The tall man cometh! The tall man cometh!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

Owen Wright is making a run for the Fiji Pro title! Come watch a tall man play amongst the midgets!

I am a tall man, maybe 6’3, and trim. I love it. I feel genetically superior to almost everyone. I thank the Lord each morning when I wake.

Owen Wright is a taller man too, and trim. Such a specimen! And if he doesn’t thank the Lord, he should.

“Ahhh, yeah, you know, it’s not bad being tall and thin…” he says. “The best part? I like being able to walk into a club and scope all the girls, scope everyone around.”

Being taller you can. Do I think tall men are evolutionarily more advanced?

“Mmmmmmm. No, but it does seem there are so many more tall guys around now, eh? I know that being tall for me is better. I’ve always been pretty tall. I kinda grew consistently all through my life. I just grew the other week, in fact. I wasn’t 6’3, I was just under. But I measured the other day and now I am 6’3. It is funny to walk around the contest sites. A lot of the veterans are shorter guys but more of the new kids coming up are taller. And now I am officially the tallest guy on tour. When I was rehabbing my knee, Steds came into the gym and we stood back to back. I won.”

Michael J. Fox once said, “There is not a hell of a lot I can do about being short. You just gotta run with it.” Michael J. Fox starred in Teen Wolf.

Julia Child once said, “Being tall is an advantage, especially in business. People will always remember you. And if you’re in a crowd, you’ll always have some clean air to breathe.” Julia Child just makes the best boeuf bourguignon ever!

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Jay Davies: “My nappy was full of beach sand!”

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

An incredible hunk.

Jay Davies, exceptional talent out of Western Australia, put on a show during the Marg River Pro. He cut down WSL favorites. He raged through barrels. He made people believe that a very strong man can surf very well. Watch, enjoy and then get thyself to a gym because only the strong survive. And only the good die young.

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The sexiest surf photographer of all time?

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

History shall decide for sure but I say Ryan Miller, from New Jersey, wears the crown.

The surf photography game is cruel and unrelenting. For every Clark Little earning millions dipping a camera into Waimea’s famed shorebreak there are thousands of also-rans, crying into their soup.

In such a crowded field, even the smallest advantage can mean the difference between gallery shows and the back pages of Surfer (where the SUP practice machine ads dwell). It helps to have rich parents, in order to horde the latest REDs or Canons.

It also helps to be beautiful. Clark, of course, is with a million dollar Hurley smile but also Morgan Maasen with nipples so large, so brown, that to expose them in front of hungry children would be considered quite cruel. And Pete Taras hair so thick, eyes so piercing, it remains a wonder that he has remained off the cover of GQ (Greek addition) for so long.

But there is one who rises above all. The sexiest surf photographer ever? History shall decide for sure but I say Ryan Miller, from New Jersey, is the front-runner.

He is handsome, to begin with, but pairs his handsome with a leopard print bikini bottom that is just wow. His body fits into it like a weisswurst fits into its casing. He surfs it, he lounges it, he shoots in it and it can all be seen on his Instagram feed @badboyryry_

Where did it come from? Ryan says, “The bikini I picked up at Wal Mart when I was a teenager. I keep with me at all times to remember to keep it light and just have a good time. Too many sad fucks whining at these dream locations. I never want to be that guy.”

And the Instagram feed? By far the best in the game. What about it? “Instagram feed…” he says “..is what it is because I’m a pretty shit photographer. If I just posted surf photos and everyone got to see all my work then people would know I was a phony. It is really just another layer of the onion. You can see my surf photos elsewhere. On Instagram I just want to make myself smile.”

And is it ever a sexy smile. Almost like dear Mona Lisa’s.

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Lord smiling on you today, son! Owen Wright pats another ten-pointer on the ass.

Out: Reynolds, Slater, Day four, Fiji Pro!

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

Owen's perfect heat, Julian's ten-pointer and the dull thud of Dane and Kelly landing back on earth…

The pro game is a tough play. One minute you’re sloshing around in the channel gazing at Strider’s steroidal tits, talking about your heat win, the next tears are bubbling in your eyes, hazing everything like a cotton film.

Dane Reynolds, out, to Taj Burrow in round five, but not without catching a couple of grey shacks.

And, Kelly Slater, to Italo Ferreira, for the second time this year, but this time at a wave he’s been throwing apart for 30 years. You could see the dry swallows squeezing down Kelly’s neck as he composed for his post-heat interview.

But, we got new heroes! Owen Wright surfed a perfect heat, the seventh in history. “I never thought I’d get 20 points in my life,” said Owen, his nostrils widening.

Watch here.

And here’s Kelly talking about it.

Julian Wilson went pretty nuts, too. He scored 19.43 in round four against Kelly and Taj.

And how about Joel? Remember him? Maybe 20th or something on the ratings this year. Watch him whale on this bomb. Ten!

Want some highlights?

WSL Perfect Heat Totals:

2015: Owen Wright (AUS) – Fiji Pro

2013: Joel Parkinson (AUS) – Oakley Pro Bali

2013: Kelly Slater (USA) – Volcom Fiji Pro

2011: Jeremy Flores (FRA) – Billabong Pro Tahiti

2008: Joel Parkinson (AUS) – Billabong Pipe Masters

2005: Kelly Slater (USA) – Billabong Pro Tahiti

1996: Shane Beschen (USA) – Billabong Pro Gold Coast*

* Best three waves.

Fiji Pro Remaining Round 3 Results:

Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) 13.67 def. Alejo Muniz (BRA) 13.30

Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)

Heat 9: Owen Wright (AUS) def. Adrian Buchan (AUS)

Heat 10: Kai Otton (AUS) 14.97 def. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.77

Heat 11:Jeremy Flores (FRA) 10.60 def. Bede Durbidge (AUS) 4.50

Heat 12: Adam Melling (AUS) 11.66 def. Filipe Toledo (BRA) 10.97

Fiji Pro Round 4 Results:

Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) 19.43, Kelly Slater (USA) 14.34, Taj Burrow (AUS) 13.83

Heat 2: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 11.30, Dane Reynolds (USA) 10.77, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 10.67

Heat 3: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 18.93, Owen Wright (AUS) 17.26, Mick Fanning (AUS) 16.60

Heat 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 18.70, Kai Otton (AUS) 12.10, Adam Melling (AUS) 5.83

Fiji Pro Round 5 Results:

Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 10.97 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 7.34

Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) 15.24 def. Dane Reynolds (USA) 13.66

Heat 3: Owen Wright (AUS) 20.00 def. Adam Melling (AUS) 17.70

Heat 4: Kai Otton (AUS) 14.33 def. Mick Fanning (AUS) 11.33

Fiji Pro Quarterfinal Match-Ups:

QF 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)

QF 2: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) vs. Taj Burrow (AUS)

QF 3: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Owen Wright (AUS)

QF 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)

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Revealed: Why Shane Dorian Hunts Pig!

By Rory Parker

10 years ago

So he can make Rory Parker's famous lychee-infused pulled pork!

Lychee season is in full swing on Kauai these days. Discarded husks and pits litter the streets of Kapaa, burn-out chronic wastes of air peddle bags of purloined fruit on the side of every road.

But, damn, are these things tasty.

Sweet, juicy, with just a tiny hint of tart. You can only stuff so many down your gullet before you get sick of them though, so when your tree starts dumping 100 pounds of the little red treats you need to find other ways to make them a meal.

My favorite thing to do with them is make pulled pork. You’d expect the lychee to dissolve and flavor the meat, what happens instead is the pork infuses the fruit, leaving you with hot sweet salty savory little pork nuggets, a perfect companion to a greasy pig feast.

Rory’s Hawaiexicasian pulled pork with swine infused lychee

Ingredients:

4 lbs pork shoulder or butt

12 or more fresh lychee- pitted and halved

2 small sweet onions

5 garlic cloves

2 Tbsp alaea salt

1 Tbsp black pepper

1/2 tsp cumin

1 large Jalapeno

1 Tbsp chopped ginger

¼ cup rice vinegar

2 Tbsp honey

2 Tbsp spicy Chinese mustard powder (mix with a little water to form a paste.)

2 Tbsp brown sugar

3 Tbsp sesame oil

Halve and quarter onions, put on bottom of pot. Peel garlic, slice three cloves lengthwise. Using paring knife, stab pork and insert garlic, put on top of onions. Slather pork in mustard paste, then cover pork with lychee. Don’t allow lychee to fall into bottom of cooker.

In one bowl, combine:

1 Tbsp Alaea salt (can substitute kosher salt)

1 Tbsp pepper

1/2 tsp cumin

1 Large jalapeño – sliced (more if you want it spicier)

2 cloves chopped garlic

1 Tbsp diced ginger

In another bowl combine:

¼ cup rice vinegar

3 Tbsp sesame oil

2 Tbsp honey

2 Tbsp brown sugar

Whisk ingredients of bowl #2 together, then pour over bowl #1 and stir together.

Pour over slowly over meat, taking care that the lychee stay don’t fall into bottom of cooker.

Then sprinkle with one more tablespoon of alaea salt

Cook for six hours on high

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Eat beach grit spam!