Jordy is in his 27th year and any idea that he's going to win a world title, or create a legacy beyond the current epoch, you would think is fast fading. For a surfer who has the liberal gift of body awareness (think: he's the only surfer on tour who can jam two significant turns within half-a-metre of lip) his lower third rating on tour would seem a grand failure, despite the injury that kept him out of Fiji. | Photo: WSL

Power Rankings: pre-Tahiti! (Part two)

Today! The dull and maybe meaningless mid-tier! Eleven through 17!

11. Jeremy Flores
J-Bay Result: Injured
WSL rating: 12 (-2)
Key Question: Can this dormant animal be roused?

“No major brain damage!” Jeremy told me proudly in June when he face-planted at a reef in Sumbawa, Indonesia. “A fucken air,” he’d said. “All frothing to learn all these new tricks and ended up landing head-first onto dry reef.”

Can you imagine?

Bleeding rapidly, blinded with his own blood, groaning, overcome with pain and terror? Being rescued by Wiggolly Dantas and Jake Paterson and helicoptered to hospital? And in this, a sort of comeback season, after so many scandals, and for all his inability to understand a crowd, when he again looked able to navigate a heat?

La vie est cruel parfois (yes, French! Mais bien-sur!). The way it strikes under your defences, the way it rips the skin from your undersides. The way t gives you a couple of kisses then clean forgets about you.

The general structure of Jeremy Flores’ surfing remains. I believe he has the stomach for Teahupoo, and for Teahupoo when the other children on tour are gasping and squealing, and enough glimmer in his little-wave game for the beachbreak events. Occasional gunshots amid the flutter of little wings.

12. Nat Young
J-Bay Result: 9
WSL rating: 7 (steady)
Key Question: Is he a dumpy little woman or a supermodel?

Often, I’ll look at Nat Young and think, how can someone that obvious in his technique, with those clumsy telegraphed turns, with a smell so bad it wafts through the webcast, make it among giants like John John and Kelly and Filipe and Medina? So formal, so boring.

But then he’ll unload his cargo like ten thousand devils and what are we to think then?

Is he a dumpy little woman with no redeeming features, as I initially thought, or a supermodel or… perhaps likely… a melange of both?

When Nat throws on his lipstick and rouge he makes me die to be spooned with his sugar. Otherwise, I just find it queer as anything and numbing.

13. Italo Ferreira
J-Bay Result: 13
WSL rating: 9 (-1)
Key Question: Is he really Brazilian?

I tend not to set my alarm to watch Italo’s heats in different time zones. But those who know say the kindest things about Italo’s surfing, at least in a partial degree, and this is backed up by his rating in the top 10.

He lacks the dazzling skin of Wiggolly and Filipe and their apparent weightlessness and, therefore, I conclude he is a Brazilian on the Portuguese side of the ledger not the fabulous African side.

Not that it reduces my physical admiration one iota, the cow-like tenderness of his eyes, the captivating shyness.

14. Matt Wilkinson
J-Bay Result: 13
WSL rating: 16 (-2)
Key Question: Why the yellow teeth?

If I was a girl I don’t think I’d kiss Matt Wilkinson. His teeth, that briny snout, a pork-like red of the skin. The hair is striking granted, but there’s not much else to give an uprush to the brain.

The feeling I have for Matt Wilkinson is as an admirer of his ballet. I’m fascinated by it, so fascinated, I’ve grown very fond of watching him surf.

He certainly did go down swinging his little fists at J-Bay, 16-ish points to Gabriel’s 19-and-a-bit. Afterwards, he sobbed miserably, shoulders hunched up, but his friendless was not diminished and nor was the imagination and intuitive nature of his surfing.

Matt was beaten by the 2014 world champ, after all, and in his best heat all year.

15. Josh Kerr
J-Bay Result: 13
WSL rating: 9 (-1)
Key Question: Can he tidy up the style a little, just to make his hammers a little more cut and dried?

I’ve seen Josh Kerr nail the biggest airs I’ve ever seen, he has the gift of flight after all, and, then, look lost while out on the face. Just this morning on the WSL website, I thought the homepage featured a photo of Josh at the US Open. But a closer inspection revealed Billabong stickers – it was Courtney Conlogue!

This is common thing. It is the hardest thing in the world to be a little of everything, and not just one or the other, although this is where John John Florence and Dane Reynolds excel.

This year Josh’s air game looks subjugated to turns and it maddens me. I want the noise of the cannon, the clash of steel! I want my brain inflamed!

Josh Kerr is fearless and skilled but he cannot allow himself to be weakened by the colonialism of what he perceives as “criteria”. I can’t exaggerate the effect this has on his career.

Yeah, be conscious of the danger, it is a tricky and occasionally tiresome game, but don’t lose what you represent.

16. Joel Parkinson
J-Bay Result: 13
WSL rating: 17 (-2)
Key Question: Why?

Just, why? Eight heat wins and the season is halfway done. Examine the 2012 world champion’s heat average and it’s a respectable 13.72, which means he’s average a couple of sevens every time he paddles out, better than surfers rated far above.

But such are the varying fortunes of surfing. The standard of play is high. It is cosy and it’s congenial, a friendly mix of age groups and nationalities. His survival on tour will depend on his pooling his efforts and resources. Teahupoo, result, Trestles, maybe not, France, possibly, Supertubes, possibly, Pipe, yes.

It’s interesting to compare Joel’s career and life to Mick’s. One has three world title, possibly four come December, the other has kids and a life that exists beyond professional surfing.

If he wants to milk the WSL teat for a few more years, Joel needs less crooning and has to become more barbaric, terrifying.

Joel needs to exude electricity instead of, what is now, just a faint buzz.

17. Jordy Smith
J-Bay Result: Last
WSL rating: 22 (-4)
Key Question: How can someone be so singularly repellant and yet at the same time singularly magnetic?

What a number of angles there are to the question of Jordy Smith! However, what interests me is passage of time, how quickly it sweeps by us all. One minute we’re staring at headlights in the distance and in the blink of an eye we’re watching the taillights fade to black.

Jordy is in his 27th year and any idea that he’s going to win a world title, or create a legacy beyond the current epoch, you would think is fast fading. For a surfer who has the liberal gift of body awareness (think: he’s the only surfer on tour who can jam two significant turns within half-a-metre of lip) his lower third rating on tour would seem a grand failure, despite the injury that kept him out of Fiji.

But life isn’t so cut and dried as all this. The only way to express the truth is to, calmly, assess an athlete’s assets and make some kind of summation.

Well, here, he lives an exciting and modern life (with a bikini model who seems to adore his reduced chin and heavy eyebrows) in California and lives off a skilfully negotiated contracted worth many millions.

“Who do you think I am?” he might ask.

“I don’t know,” you’d be compelled to say.

Mea Culpa: Paul Speaker is a prophet!

I heart the WSL.

I have poked gentle fun at the World Surf League since its 2015 birth. I had poked gentle fun at the ASP before that and Rip Curl’s Neil Ridgway got real mad at me but it was so gentle! And so fun! And Neil, do you still have that red beret? Let’s do a sort of naughty reenactment someday!

But back to the now, or more precisely, back to the 4 months ago. WSL CEO Paul Speaker issued a press statement that said, “It is the most exciting time in the history of the sport right now.” I laughed and laughed and laughed and wrote (here) that he took (maybe) ecstasy.

In the weeks since Mick was tousled by a great white, though, I have reflected on CEO Speaker’s words and, I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right! The thrill of that shark biz is, of course, gone but left in its wake is a general appreciation of what the WSL has built. Fun webcasts. An announcing team that has become as familiar as a soft blanket. National rivalries threatening to burn for years. Sponsors with heft. A spot on an American network. And very fine surfing.

So to you, CEO Speaker, I say, “I’m sorry.” And also, “If you did have any ecstasy it’d be really fun to take and sit in the channel at Teahupo’o together with a waterproof little sound system playing anything by College.” And also, “Long live the WSL!”

If I was Jarrad Howse, I would do non-stop selfies too.
If I was Jarrad Howse, I would do non-stop selfies too.

Unexpected: Jarrad Howse is back!

And welcome to the first exclusive look at Snowdonia going full speed.

Jarrad Howse is a very handsome man. His eyes when he smiles….I don’t care who you are….welcome to Melt City! He is the sort that grows better with age. Like, he wears wrinkles with such careless disregard. Like, George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Being neither tall nor short is a distinct advantage in that his handsomeness stands front and center. Tousled hair. White teeth. Subtle Australian accent worn like warm, not hot, cashmere.

Here, Jarrad and friends can be seen surfing in a sneak preview of the soon to be open commercial wave park Surf Snowdonia. You’ve seen other clips on those websites for middle-aged men with social disorders (hello The Inertia!) and dark, probably illegal, sexual kinks (is that you Surfline?) but you’ve never seen Jarrad Howse.

And how much do you want to go surf Snowdonia now, hater? 2 meter (6 ft) for 150 meters (I failed math) of pure joy?  The ocean has just been made redundant. Viva the handsome man!

Surf Snowdonia – Sneak Peak from Surf Snowdonia on Vimeo.

We’ve got waves. Check out a sneak preview of what’s to come. Thank you to all our staff, contractors, Wavegarden and the Conwy community for their support. Open for business from August the 1st.

FILM / EDIT: Luke Pilbeam

Surf Snowdonia is the first ever commercial surfing lagoon that generates waves simultaneously for beginners, intermediate and advanced surfers.

Utilising Wavegarden technology a 2 metre advanced wave is produced that peels 150 metres and runs for 16 seconds.

Surf Snowdonia will open for its first customers at 10am on August 1 2015 – to book a session

Mick Fanning 60 MInutes
Had enough tales of Mick and the shark? No? Really? Well you're in luck, this Sunday Mr Fanning gets a spot on 60 Minutes, that show your grandparents watch each Sunday.

Mick Fanning on world’s most prestigious TV show!

No, wait, on 60 Minutes!

Had enough tales of Mick and the shark? No? Really?

Well you’re in luck, this Sunday Mr Fanning gets a spot on 60 Minutes, that show your grandparents watch each Sunday.

Until then, here’s some lesser-known shark facts:

Maui has had more attacks in the last four years than Reunion Island, despite having a fraction of the area and population. But you don’t see them freaking out.

You’re more likely to be raped by your father than eaten by a shark.

Sharks are visual hunters, so if you remain perfectly still they can’t see you.

Nurse sharks are called such because they are the only ichthyoid that lactates.

The ancient Egyptians hunted the Nile River shark to extinction using papyrus canoes and spears.

Shark and dolphin evolution diverged more than three trillion years ago.

The only thing more terrifying than sharks is the future.

There’s nothing “great” about white sharks. To assume otherwise is racist.

Paying money for “shark deterrent technology” is about as intelligent as tying a piece of string around your penis as tightly as you can. Equally effective as well.

Aaron Chang and Quinn Matthews
Aaron Chang (left) and Quinn Matthews, the principals in the teary drama that threatens to bring down the house of Surfing!

Series: Surf photographer feuds IV!

In this gorgeous episode we have Aaron Chang vs. Quinn Matthews!

Photographer Quinn Matthews is an up and coming star in the game. His images gorgeously capture both high octane action and the subtle nuances of lifestyle. A flare tail’d air. A smokey eye. A palm fluttering in the breeze. He is receiving accolades for his work too, no small thing when every rich child from Santa Babs is gifted 5D and RED for birthday and can jump in with the true auteurs.

BeachGrit‘s very own Derek Rielly appreciates Quinn’s work, writing:

When it comes to surf photography you have to, I think, make a stand. You either feed the machinations of the web with only cursory thought given to the craft or aspire to an authenticity and sophistication. Quinn Matthews, at some financial sacrifice, has chosen the latter route. His work is a documentary style that is coloured, when necessary, by a creative eye that belies his years (Quinn has barely escaped adolescence). Prone to obsession about lighting plans, camera settings and compositional arrangement, Quinn has become the go-to photographer for the best surfing magazines in the world.

Nathan Lawrence, What Youth‘s mad genius appreciates Quinn’s work, saying:

Many people can imitate other people’s work. But very few can carve their own look. And that’s what Quinn has done in a very short amount of time. No matter what Quinn shoots, he will bring his unique vision and natural talent together to create something people enjoy looking at.

I appreciated Quinn’s work. His breadth and depth truly exceptional in an increasingly imitative landscape. If I was on a deserted isle, alone, and allowed three Instagram accounts to follow his would be four, barely edged out by @buttsnorkler.

Surfing Magazine appreciates Quinn’s work, nominating him for a prestigious Follow the Light award and he almost won! He almost took home the grand prize launching directly into a life of fame and fortune.

Legendary photographer Aaron Chang might appreciate Quinn’s work if he could only remember who the hell Quinn is! Apparently at the Follow the Light award’s ceremony last night Aaron stepped to the stage as the head judges and talked about the finalists but when he came to Quinn hemmed and hawed before squirting, “Don’t know who Quinn Matthews is…”

Uh oh!

Geriatric stumbles are embarrassing and Aaron maybe should have done his homework, or taken some medication, before unintentionally shaming a future star. Disdain masked as casual disregard for the younger set is what makes an old man old. In any case, this is what Quinn said on his Instagram account:

First off congrats to all the finalists your slideshows were truly great. Obviously I’m bummed I didn’t win. But I’m really bummed on Aaron Chang not knowing who I was. That’s ridiculous. There is only 5 finalist and those 5 of us on stage. You’re the main judge for the contest and yet you had no clue who I was. You had to stand there in awkward silence for a good minute trying to remember something about me before saying into the microphone that you “don’t know who Quinn Matthews is”. In front of family, friends, and industry professionals I struggle to think of something that would reflect worse on me. I was very disappointed and embarrassed. It’s crazy that despite all the effort and time I put into forming my entry, that still happened. 
I wanted to get that off my chest and voice my disappointment in the ceremony. 
Once again congrats to everyone, and Seth for winning, your work was incredible and I mean to take nothing away from you all, I was honored to be a part of it.

And I would have known that, on a deserted isle, had I not followed damned @buttsnorkler instead.