Had enough tales of Mick and the shark? No? Really?
Well you're in luck, this Sunday Mr Fanning gets a spot on 60
Minutes, that show your grandparents watch each
Sunday.
Had enough tales of Mick and the shark?
No? Really?
Well you’re in luck, this Sunday Mr Fanning gets a spot on
60 Minutes, that show your grandparents watch each
Sunday.
Until then, here’s some lesser-known shark facts:
Maui has had more attacks in the last four years than
Reunion Island, despite having a fraction of the area and
population. But you don’t see them freaking out.
You’re more likely to be raped by your father
than eaten by a shark.
Sharks are visual hunters, so if you remain
perfectly still they can’t see you.
Nurse sharks are called such because they are
the only ichthyoid that lactates.
The ancient Egyptians hunted the Nile River shark to
extinction using papyrus canoes and spears.
Shark and dolphin evolution diverged more than
three trillion years ago.
The only thing more terrifying than sharks is
the future.
There’s nothing “great” about white sharks. To
assume otherwise is racist.
Paying money for “shark deterrent technology” is about
as intelligent as tying a piece of string around your
penis as tightly as you can. Equally effective as well.
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Aaron Chang (left) and Quinn Matthews, the principals
in the teary drama that threatens to bring down the house of
Surfing!
In this gorgeous episode we have Aaron Chang vs.
Quinn Matthews!
Photographer Quinn Matthews is an up and coming
star in the game. His images gorgeously capture both high octane
action and the subtle nuances of lifestyle. A flare tail’d air. A
smokey eye. A palm fluttering in the breeze. He is receiving
accolades for his work too, no small thing when every rich child
from Santa Babs is gifted 5D and RED for birthday and can jump in
with the true auteurs.
BeachGrit‘s very own Derek Rielly appreciates Quinn’s
work, writing:
When it comes to surf photography you have to, I think, make
a stand. You either feed the machinations of the web with only
cursory thought given to the craft or aspire to an authenticity and
sophistication. Quinn Matthews, at some financial sacrifice, has
chosen the latter route. His work is a documentary style that is
coloured, when necessary, by a creative eye that belies his years
(Quinn has barely escaped adolescence). Prone to obsession about
lighting plans, camera settings and compositional arrangement,
Quinn has become the go-to photographer for the best surfing
magazines in the world.
Nathan Lawrence, What Youth‘s mad genius appreciates
Quinn’s work, saying:
Many people can imitate other people’s work. But very few can
carve their own look. And that’s what Quinn has done in a very
short amount of time. No matter what Quinn shoots, he will bring
his unique vision and natural talent together to create something
people enjoy looking at.
I appreciated Quinn’s work. His breadth and depth truly
exceptional in an increasingly imitative landscape. If I was on a
deserted isle, alone, and allowed three Instagram accounts to
follow his would be four, barely edged out by @buttsnorkler.
Surfing Magazine appreciates Quinn’s work, nominating
him for a prestigious Follow the Light award and he almost won! He
almost took home the grand prize launching directly into a life of
fame and fortune.
Legendary photographer Aaron Chang might appreciate Quinn’s work
if he could only remember who the hell Quinn is! Apparently at the
Follow the Light award’s ceremony last night Aaron stepped to the
stage as the head judges and talked about the finalists but
when he came to Quinn hemmed and hawed before squirting, “Don’t
know who Quinn Matthews is…”
Uh oh!
Geriatric stumbles are embarrassing and Aaron maybe should have
done his homework, or taken some medication, before unintentionally
shaming a future star. Disdain masked as casual disregard for the
younger set is what makes an old man old. In any case, this is what
Quinn said on his Instagram account:
First off congrats to all the
finalists your slideshows were truly great. Obviously I’m bummed I
didn’t win. But I’m really bummed on Aaron Chang not knowing who I
was. That’s ridiculous. There is only 5 finalist and those 5 of us
on stage. You’re the main judge for the contest and yet you had no
clue who I was. You had to stand there in awkward silence for a
good minute trying to remember something about me before saying
into the microphone that you “don’t know who Quinn Matthews is”. In
front of family, friends, and industry professionals I struggle to
think of something that would reflect worse on me. I was very
disappointed and embarrassed. It’s crazy that despite all the
effort and time I put into forming my entry, that still
happened. I wanted to
get that off my chest and voice my disappointment in the
ceremony. Once again
congrats to everyone, and Seth for winning, your work was
incredible and I mean to take nothing away from you all, I was
honored to be a part of it.
And I would have known that, on a deserted isle, had I not
followed damned @buttsnorkler instead.
Since Mary Ann, Ginger and the Professor were
snared from Gilligan's Island!
Last night off Oahu’s North Shore a pleasure
cruise went very wrong. The boat, a 25 foot Boston Whaler, was two
miles from Waimea when it fuel ran out and then the bilge pump
stopped working and the hull took on water and it flipped over,
tossing 14 people into the water including a five-year-old child
and a dog.
The horror! The absolute horror and that horror could have ended
with everyone dead, their bones chewed by tiger sharks. But guess
who else was on the boat?
Australia’s hottest couple Tyron Swan and ………………………. Brinkley
Davies!
Unless you are culturally gorked you will know that Tyron
and Brinkley, hailing from South Australia, are magical creatures,
soon to be ultra-famous. Tyron duct tapes paraplegics onto his back
and takes them surfing. And he is handsome. Brinkley communes with
sharks, killer whales, etc. And she gorgeous. Together they are
unstoppable. And so when the boat capsized? No big deal! They
floated along with it for a few hours in the black of night holding
a five-year-old child and caring for a dog until the Coast Guard
dropped them a boat and then came and snared them.
“It was no worries…” Brinkley told my wife afterward “…but if we
had been back home we would have frozen to death.” But I disagree,
positing their smoking good looks/pure hearts would have warmed the
very ocean.
How thrilled do you think the Coast Guard was? For sure totally.
It was definitely the world’s sexiest ocean rescue.
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Key question(s): Is Kelly going to de-horn that board
of his? And can he maintain in small beachbreaks? | Photo:
WSL
Underpinning Filipe Toledo's performance is a
bedrock of depravity! True!
A year of two ago, I was employed by the
excellent, if sexually provocative and hate-mongering, website
Surfline to write the surfing equivalent of the NBA power rankings.
I wrote maybe half a dozen and loved the idea of bombing anyone
who’d been unkind to me during the year and festooning with flowers
those with a kind word.
They were rightly condemned by readers and, occasionally, I felt
like withdrawing into my little office cubicle. Lately, my fingers
have again become itchy to write.
So, here, is a pre-Teahupoo power rankings, the top 10, with the
second-tier bottom feeders appearing tomorrow.
1. Filipe Toledo J-Bay result: 13 WSL rating: 4 (-2)
Key question: Can he stay top five after Teahupoo?
You wouldn’t say Filipe has an oriental solemnity. He declared
war on dullness back in March, back at Snapper, and, but for the
weird slowness of little J-Bay, would’ve won there too. His surfing
is madness, just madness. You could see the realisation in the eyes
of Julian and the rest of the tour at Snapper. It was like some
terrible truth had been visited upon them.
The future is… here? So soon? It wasn’t Jordy or Dane,
after all? Oh, how they sobered up. Their youth was stolen
overnight!
The key thing about Teahupoo is it ain’t that hard to pick
unlike every other stop on tour. Sit here. Take off there. Filipe
will make a respectable show of things, pick up a 13th or
thereabouts, stay top five-ish, win two of the last four events,
and become the second Brazilian to win a world title. He’ll also
become the youngest world champion, ever, eclipsing Kelly Slater’s
one breakable record by eight weeks.
2. Mick Fanning J-Bay result: 2 WSL rating: 2 (steady) Key question: Is there enough sugar in Mick’s bowl to stay
in the race with three beachbreak events left?
If god (the Christian one) neglects Filipe in the last half of
the season, it’ll be Mick who’ll win, what is it, his fourth world
title? There’s such an electricity in the air surrounding Mick, so
many bowlfuls of press cuttings, that he may become, simply,
unbeatable. Mick refuses to modify his idiosyncratic attitude to
surfing (those frontside lesion!), and that ain’t necessarily a bad
thing.
3. Dane Reynolds J-Bay result: 13 WSL rating: 33 (steady) Key question: Apart from the Quiksilver Pro in France, how
many wildcards will Dane get?
Dane surfs in such a fine, clear italic that it would be too
horrible to contemplate he not seeing out his golden years on the
tour. A ninth (Snapper) and a 13th (J-bay) aren’t exactly examples
of over-performance, but he has a valuable message to deliver. One
of… enjoyment.
4. Julian Wilson J-Bay result: 2 WSL rating: 3 (-1) Key question: Can he win an event?
To win a surfing event at WSL level is an arduous task. Round
one, two maybe, three, four, or five, quarters, semi, final. It
must smack as a little sour that Julian has made three finals this
year and won… none of them, although paddling toward the mouth
of a Great White must count for something.
Julian is better equipped than any other surfer on tour, with
the exception of current champ Medina, to deal with Teahupoo,
Trestles, Hossegor, Supertubes and Pipe. But such is his bag of
gifts, his arsenal, you often get the sense he doesn’t know what to
pull out next. His drawings are brilliant and vigorous, yeah, but
sometimes, as we saw at Snapper, he can look just a little
laboured.
5. Adriano de Souza J-Bay result: 5 WSL rating: 1 (steady) Key question: Can the WSL judges get over the
psychological hurdle of ushering Adriano into an unpopular world
title?
Oh, to hell with it. Adriano inspires such vituperation, such
unimaginably offensive insults, that I wonder if he’ll find scores
much harder to come by in the second half of the season. I feel he
could mash his opponents skulls in with a steel can and still not
win. The world title will runaway from him, again, no matter how
hard he he shoots out his hind legs.
6. Owen Wright J-Bay result: 13 WSL rating: 5 (-2) Key question: Has he got more than lefthand reefs?
Second last at Snapper, second last at J-Bay, fair to middling
results at Margaret River, Rio and Bells, and wins Fiji (with
stained undershorts).
You see the pattern? Lefthand reefs are to Owen what a bowl of
warm gruel is to a grateful refugee.
So let’s count the remaining events: Trestles (youch), Teahupoo
(like glove!) Hossegor (maybe, if big), Portugal (size needed) and
Pipe (hell gonna bust loose). Two possible wins, a handful of
average results.
Where’s that going to lead us? Top three, possibly a runner-up
if he can gallop past Mick.
7. Kelly Slater J-Bay result: 3 WSL rating: 6 (-1) Key question(s): Is Kelly going to de-horn that board of
his? And can he maintain in small beachbreaks?
You could watch Slater at various points of the season and
think, oowee, it looks like he’s covered in dust, or, wow, I ain’t
seen him this fresh since his last world title year. Kelly’s
saddled up a lot of boards over the years but the move back to a
rockered, narrow board has resulted in the inconsistency y’tend to
see when a surfer, anyone, even Kelly, tries to get off what we
tend to incorrectly call fishes.
At Margarets we saw how hard he can push a rail when he’s on a
board that doesn’t need to be nursed; same at J-Bay. Teahupoo and
Pipe are great for Kelly, maybe France, if there’s swell, but
Portugal ain’t gonna be pretty. Trestles could swing either
way. Like me after two am!
8. Taj Burrow Result: 25 WSL rating: 8 (-2)
Key question: Honestly, can he be bothered?
You could never accuse Taj of looking old, of facing extinction.
But there does come a time in a man’s life when, after 18 years of
doin’ the same thing, y’think, is there anything else?
Since 2002, Taj has never finished worse than ninth. That’s a
career with horns. Taj’ll miss Hossegor (a potential result)
because he’ll have a kid poking its head out of mammy.
Does he care? About the kid, sure, about missing autumn in
France? Not quite so much.
9. Wiggolly Dantas J-Bay result: 9 WSL rating: 13 (+4) Key question: Will he die of exhaustion given his arduous
qualifying program?
So far this year, Wiggolly, the 25 year-old Brazilian rookie,
has entered eleven events, including five qualifiers. He ain’t
going to give up his CT shot easily.
What is constant in history is that the triers (see Adriano de
Souza) will always push their chips forward over natural, but lazy,
talents. Wiggolly rides a wonderful horse but how long before all
that airline travel makes him smell rank and sweaty?
10. Gabriel Medina J-Bay result: 5
WSL rating: 15 (+5) Key question: Is the boot off Gabriel’s neck?
Do you remember that wave at J-Bay when we saw the boot come off
the world champ’s neck, if briefly? One decent huck, though nothing
particularly special, a five-five if the ride had terminated there,
but then Gabriel reminded us why he became the second-youngest
world champion in history, and Brazil’s first, when he loosed his
wings and just… greased… the landing.
A little reminder that Filipe ain’t the only Brazilian on the
catwalk. Even though his world title defence has gone to hell,
Gabriel will win an event, maybe two, and finish top five.
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This is Kelly in 2011 just before a heat in San
Francisco, dressed in the Xplosive compression
wetsuit.
Three years ago, Quiksilver Inc filed a patent for a
wetsuit invented by Troy Brooks (yup, the former pro
surfer), Josh Rush and David Mas-Bertrand.
What it is, is a super tech suit, “comprising first panels
exhibiting a high-stretch and adapted to provide buoyancy to the
wearer and second panels exhibiting a low-stretch and adapted to
provide further buoyancy to the wearer wherein the first and the
second panels are fastened together by seams and wherein the second
panels are arranged according to the muscular configuration of the
wearer to stimulate the muscular relaxation velocity of the
wearer.”
That’s what it says on the patent app.
The theory goes that if you squeeze the muscles, they’ll bounce
back in the most explosive manner thereby increasing
performance.
Or, according to a piece by the Australian Sports Commission,
“Some studies have reported that compression garments can improve
muscular power, strength, enhance recovery following intense
exercise and improve proprioception.”
Do they work? Will we ever see one? Four years since Kelly
Slater wore one in San Francisco, Quiksilver says “it’s still a
work in progress.”
If you really want to dive into the finer details, the patent
application makes for surprisingly interesting reading.
