There is a place nearby and you can do it in a few
hours!
The crowds at most popular and accessible
American, Mexican, Australian and Brazilian beaches grow thicker
with each passing year, or so it seems. Longboards, hybrids, even
the dreaded SUP compete for a static number of waves and sharks are
not eating enough people to make a real difference.
Are you frustrated by this overcrowding? This human invasion? Do
you not have the money to fly across the world and sort out a place
where they ain’t? Well, it is really no problem and the solution is
right under your nose. It’s called “night surfing.”
I stayed out long after sunset recently. The moon wasn’t full
but it was there and my eyes adjusted to the scene quite easily. It
wasn’t pumping, necessarily, but fun 3-4 ft and I was alone in
Southern California. Alone. The waves were a bit hard to judge at
first, but my body eventually adjusted like my eyes.
To be very honest, I am not surfing in a wildly progressive
manner. What do I need clear light for? And, to continue being very
honest, you are not surfing in a wildly progressive manner either.
We less than progressives now have 12ish whole hours to ply our
trade all alone.
Very seriously, you should go night surfing tonight and then you
should come here tomorrow and tell everyone how much you loved
it!
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Audio: A Phone Call to Mason Ho!
By Derek Rielly
Who proves, conclusively, to be the most dazzling
interview in surfing…
…wait! I made this particular phone call a couple of
years back and it fuelled about six interviews, for
Stab, for BeachGrit and I even cut off a slice
here and there for a profile on him in the new Surfers
Journal. (A very small taste here)
But, considering how rare it is to get an unedited piece of a
noted surfer’s world, as in a phone call from dial tone to hang-up,
I figure it’s worth posting this thirty-minute conversation.
For me, it’s difficult to listen to my shrieking and fawning and
weird non-question questions without questioning my sanity for
opening my poor interview techniques to the whole world.
Mason, of course, is gracious. You can almost hear his
brain spinning as he tries to decode whatever it is the hell I
asked.
For the Journal interview I did, I spoke to his shaper
Matt Biolos about Mason. He said,
“Mason Ho is the saviour of the fucking corporate
straight-laced, uptight, fucking, pre-planned interview answer
surfing world we live in today. He’s everything that people think
surfing is and should be when you think of all the beautiful
stereotypes, like the fucking Beach Boys to fricken Sean Penn to
Big Wednesday. Mason is fucking incredibly fun to watch surf
two-foot junk to 12-foot Pipeline. He’s what everyone’s selling
without trying. He’s the most real guy out there. We’re fortunate
to have him in our lives.”
It’s very true.
Listen here.
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Opinion: Skating is better than
surfing!
By Rory Parker
It embraces progression, creates better art and
doesn't give a fuck about contests…
It’s kind of shameful to admit, but I pretty
much quit skating when I moved to Hawaii. It’s just too damn hot
all the time, and the constant series of rolled ankles and
sprained/broken wrists that are my skateboarding reality made it
almost impossible to surf. I’ve never been a very good skater, I
fall down a lot.
But, prior to moving out here, I lived and breathed skating for
almost a decade. I was writing for Automatic
Magazine, a sick little indy rag out of Encinitas which was
the only place that would publish my garbage.
While I still surfed whenever it looked fun, I wasn’t very
interested in surf culture. Because, by and large, “surf culture”
is boring. It’s too polished, too concerned with being marketable,
too tied up in contest results, forever striving to find a way to
sell itself to the unhip.
And you can’t call bullshit in the surf world without people
taking it personally and getting their panties in a twist.
Other than the whole slamming-face-first-onto-concrete side of
the sport, skating is pretty much better than surfing in every way.
It embraces progression, no bullshit airs-aren’t-real-surfing type
arguments that hold back progression for years and years.
It creates far better art, and thank god for that because I
could go the rest of my life without seeing another painting of a
fucking wave, turtle, palm tree, or some combination of the
three.
It doesn’t give a fuck who won the latest contest.
And it’s friendlier.
As hard as people try to sell the notion that surfers are just
one tribe, we all pretty much hate each other. But skating is
welcoming, at least, it is if you stick around beyond your teenage,
heckle everyone for everything, years.
Surfing will land you a better looking class of woman
though. Being tanned and muscular does that. But the type of
girl who’s into guys that spend all day falling in the gutter is
generally a lot more fun to be around. They’ll do dirtier stuff in
the sack as well.
Even though my current skateboard adventures consist almost
solely of pushing around in the street in front of my house and
trying to remember how to do frontside no-complys, I’ll always have
a soft spot in my heart for the the fun you can have zipping around
the streets on a little wheeled plank.
And I’ll keep watching skate videos when I’m trying to find a
little bit of pre-surf-session stoke.
Watch these:
Chet Childress and Jason Adams. Black Out.
I once saw Ol’ Dirty Crooks himself strolling through the
Honolulu airport while I was waiting to pick up a friend. Without
thinking I yelled, “Childress!” then realized that I’m way too old
to be playing fan boy, and pretended it wasn’t me. He looked around
for a second, then cruised on to wherever he was headed.I then
realized that yelling his name and hiding is way more lame than
yelling his name and fanning out.
Mark Gonzalez. Video Days.
The fucking Gonz, man. Was any other skateboarder ever as gifted
when it came to filming fun, shralp your way down the street,
parts? His art kills it, his poems… I don’t really get poetry so
I’ll pass on passing judgment. Mark Gonzales built a life around
being weird and creative and making life look so damn fun.
Louie Barletta. Man Down.
Following the Gonz in making it all look so damn fun, Barletta
is one of those guys I still look up every so often to see if
there’s any new footage floating around.
Natas Kaupas. Streets of Fire.
I’ve still got scars in my shins from trying those damn fire
hydrant spins.
Tony Trujillo. In Bloom.
Something worrisome happened the other day while I was surfing
super fun, super shallow, head-high semi-closed out sandbar barrels
down the street from my house. I dodged a slightly overhead set
because I was scared, then watched the thing suck dry and grind all
the way to the beach. Fucking pathetic.
Trying to wrap my head around committing and taking my beatings
has been slow coming over my last few paddle outs. The idea that I
might get bounced off the bottom and re-ruin my shoulder makes my
balls crawl up inside me and my hands shake. And that ain’t good.
Winter’s just around the corner and I really don’t want to be that
guy who’s always driving around looking for a sheltered spot to
puss away the day.
TNT’s old TWS part always did a good job of amping me up, and it
turns out it still does. Trujillo’s got a sick surfy style, goes
balls to the walls fast, and makes me want to do the same.
Andrew “Jaws” Homoki. True Blue.
This kid is fucking nuts. That’s all.
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Scientific: New Statistics for the WSL
By Richard Merkin
As The Sport of Kings attempts to professionalize,
here are some new data points to help elevate the low-brow webcast
commentary.
American sports are booming (financially) and booming on
the back of sport science. The nerds love to nerd out on all kind
of stats. Like WHIP in baseball. And PAC in football. Here are
stats for surfing. Get ready to enjoy in ways you didn’t believe
possible!
PEBAC/WCT Ratio
Peak Evening Blood Alcohol Content to Wave Count
Total, a ratio comparing a surfer’s peak
alcohol consumption the night before a contest to the number
of waves caught in a heat the following
morning. Consistently high numbers on both sides of the ratio
are generally considered a sign of a short-lived career on tour.
Consistently low numbers on both sides of the ratio are generally
considered a sign that the surfer’s sponsorship contracts may not
be renewed.
CompIntel Rating
A measurement designed to calculate a surfer’s
competitive intelligence. Subtract years of formal
education the competitor received after middle school from the
average hours per day the competitor spends with a personal
trainer. For WSL surfers, anything above 0 is considered extremely
high Competitive Intelligence. For average Americans, anything
above 12 is just considered normal.
FIN#
The number of fins a competitor has on his
surfboard. Any number above two and less than five is
considered a competitive advantage. (Any number less than three is
sticking it to the judges. Any number more than five is either
revolutionary or a severe disadvantage.)
T+DC
Tens Plus Daily Catch, the number of tens a
competitor scored in the previous season, plus the number of fish
the competitor catches while sitting through lay-days when the
waves are flat.
The 808
The area code on the North Shore. Commentators
generally note surfers whose contact information contains this
number to avoid saying something on-air that would be cause for
“getting slapped” during the Triple Crown.
VRMM
Victories Replaced for Male Modeling, a
calculation of how many heats a surfer would have won if he hadn’t
quit the WSL for a much more financially lucrative, much more
stable career in male modeling.
ICES
Instagrammed Contest/Event Shots, the number of
self-promotional shots a surfer posts to Instagram on days when the
contest is green-lit. A high ICES number indicates the surfer may
soon go on to post an even higher VRMM (see
VRMM).
ISIS
Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, this
is not a new statistic for the WSL but when
you say it out loud it sounds exactly the same as ICES (see ICES),
which can be confusing to some commentators with low CompIntel
Ratings (see CompIntel Rating). Also, it’s a good reminder that
there are way more important current events than a WSL webcast. Go
outside, surf, be thankful for this day.
Stoke Meter
“But how stoked are the
boys?” This simple 0/1 binary
scale awards a “0” to surfers who are not stoked, and
a “1” to surfers who are stoked. The Stoke Meter is generally
considered the only statistic that all WSL commentators have a high
enough CompIntel Rating (see CompIntel Rating) to calculate for
themselves.
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Can Pro Surfing Survive Without Kelly
Slater?
By Derek Rielly
Five reasons why the tour will get the shakes
without the greatest athlete in history…
More likely than not, Kelly Slater,
43-and-a-half years old, will step away from the pro tour after
Pipe.
But wait.
It’s never that easy with Kelly. He’s been threatening to
leave since he came back from retirement in 2002 (he finished
ninth) after a three-year sabbatical.
However, 2015 is different. His small-wave game is shadowed by
the barely believable histrionics of Filipe Toledo, Gabriel Medina
and John John Florence. Kelly is smarter than most. He’ll
preserve his legacy and step off the tour in 2015 rated second or
third in the world, a result that will surprise even him this
year.
He won’t disappear, of course. Kelly’ll appear, in 2016, at
those events at which he excels, Fiji, Teahupoo, and will hover
around the commentary booth.
But how will the tour look without Kelly Slater? Can it even
survive? Let’s examine the five issues that’ll arise once Kelly
splits.
1. Will the title matter?
Isn’t it something that Kelly is only a few thousand points off
the title, well into his middle age, those harvest
years? Let’s swing back to the years when Kelly wasn’t on
tour, 1999, 2000 and 2001. In 1999 Occy won the title, Sunny got it
the following year and CJ, in the abbreviated year of terrorism,
the year after. Two of those titles went surfers far beyond their
primes; the other was an anomaly of a six-event year.
Compare those titles to Andy’s three consecutive crowns fought
against Slater. In 2016, without Kelly, the title will be the most
open it’s been in a decade-and-a-half. But there’ll be a shadow of
doubt on the winner.
As in, could he have beaten Kelly?
2. You can forget about the voodoo that strikes you in
the heart
John John is very close to miraculous at Teahupoo and wherever
else (yeah, ok, France). But it’s Kelly, who like Tom Curren a
generation before him, who’ll conjure a 10-foot standup barrel
where others were falling off in closeouts. Who’ll nail a full
rotation in a stinging offshore to beat whoever he has to. It’s in
Kelly’s fight-to-the-death nature. No other surfer has anything
close to Kelly’s desire to win.
3. It helps if the Champ is lucid
Apart from being movie-star handsome, Kelly Slater is also the
smartest guy on tour, a little too hot for conspiracy theories but
nobody’s perfect. And so after a heat, or a contest, win or lose,
Kelly will dissect in forensic detail his heat or event. He’ll push
back on a commentator if they’re wrong and answer tough questions
if he feels they’re warranted. And that passive-aggressiveness when
he loses?Priceless! There is no other surfer on tour even close to
Kelly when it comes to opening their mouths.
4. You can forget the mainstream coverage
News outlets can jam a story around the hub of Kelly Slater, the
oldest athlete still shooting for world titles, former lover of
Pam, Baywatch, slayer of the Andy dragon, committed bachelor, all
that gear, whereas a piece about two 22-year-olds without much
beyond their athletic ability, just doesn’t fly.
5. Kelly spikes
YouTube hits, crowds on the beach, everyone comes for Kelly.
Take the Orca out of the marine park and all you’ve got is a pool
full of jumping fish.
(Now let’s watch his world title interview in 1992)