Notorious last-placers storm to guaranteed second-lasts at Teahuoo!
It is a gruesome business, this hacking away at heats in waves that look like ashtrays, just to whittle it all down to a workable dozen or so. When might sanity prevail, when might sentimentality be thrown out the door, so the surf fan might be spared the long and mentally costly grind of rounds one, two and three?
A two-day contest would instantly turn a shabby, cross-your-fingers event into something extravagant and representative of surfing. You can’t count on a friendly shark at every surf event to stir up the internet.
If the business of the WSL is to sell the game to the fabled football fan, too dumb mostly to care what appears on his television screen, what might he make of thirty-minutes of Bede Durbidge and Glenn Hall, scrubbing for fives, in rain-soaked inconsistent waves?
But for the surf fan, for you and me, even on these bleak days, though not, let it be said, as bleak as yesterday, not as threadbare and despairing, there are highlights to be found among the long hours staring at a computer screen, eyeballs drained of essential moisture.
Brett Simpson won a heat? And he beat Taj Burrow? And he beat him well? For Brett it was like a man bursting out of a loveless marriage and straight into glorious infidelity!
CJ Hobgood, an excellent craftsman if there ever was one, has been disregarded by everyone including and has announced his retirement from the tour. Would he drift off the scene, crumbling, plucked?
Today new eyes grew in a new head. A nine and a bit! He sent Nat Young straight back to Santa Cruz in last!
“I could not be more astonished than if you told me the Turin Shroud was a fake,” gasped CJ.
I also enjoyed Adam Melling wrestling a foam ball at one point in his heat against Ace Buchan, though he eventually lost. Kolohe Andino, outstandingly brilliant at everything it seems except surfing heats, scored less than five against Wiggolly Dantas. Perhaps he can raise poultry with his millions.
Watch it all here, condensed form.
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.10, Jadson Andre (BRA) 8.23, Brett Simpson (USA) 4.70
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) 11.67, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 11.50, C.J. Hobgood (USA) 9.67
Heat 3: Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 13.10, Keanu Asing (HAW) 7.16, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 5.37
Heat 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.66, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 9.00, Garrett Parkes (AUS) 1.30
Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) 12.17, Adam Melling (AUS) 6.26, Taumata Puhetini (PYF) 1.33
Heat 6: Bruno Santos (BRA) 8.67, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 5.30, Michel Bourez (PYF) 2.44
Heat 7: Dusty Payne (HAW) 10.00, Nat Young (USA) 5.14, Kai Otton (AUS) 1.30
Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 10.83, Taj Burrow (AUS) 4.77, Glenn Hall (IRL) 2.96
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) 17.17, Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.80, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 9.00
Heat 10: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.43, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 14.47, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 5.73
Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW) 17.96, Fredrick Patacchia (HAW) 13.83, Bede Durbidge (AUS)11.43
Heat 12: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 14.90, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 12.34, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 12.27
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 16.26 def. Taumata Puhetini (PYF) 8.44
Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 8.57 def. Garrett Parkes (AUS) 8.23
Heat 3: C.J. Hobgood (USA) 18.13 def. Nat Young (USA) 16.66
Heat 4: Brett Simpson (USA) 16.50 def. Taj Burrow (AUS) 10.23
Heat 5: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 14.36 def. Glenn Hall (IRL) 9.44
Heat 6: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 10.83 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 4.47
Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.67 def. Ricardo Christie (NZL) 12.44
Heat 8: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 12.50 def. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW) 10.96
Heat 9: Kai Otton (AUS) 14.66 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 5.54
Heat 10: Jadson Andre (BRA) 17.10 def. Michel Bourez (PYF) 10.60
Heat 11: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 16.40 def. Adam Melling (AUS) 15.27
Heat 12: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.60 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 14.07
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 3 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Brett Simpson (USA)
Heat 2: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)
Heat 3: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 5: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Gabriel Medina (HAW)
Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Bruno Santos (BRA)
Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Aritz Aranburu (ESP)
Heat 8: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) vs. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 10: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
Heat 12: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)
Raise poultry or get a restraining order on soccer mom Dino. Oh, the pressure !
reads like you’re just trying to fill up space, pointless article
well said DR. especially bede heat and kolehe stuff. i enjoyed how they were gone to commercial break,or maybe it was strider in the water or at that big desk, during j. kerrs insane wave of the event….”and while we were away`…..” .
millions or hundreds of viewers tuned in to see the “LIVE” event……..and get to watch a replay of the highest scoring wave of the event..at that point…..why is it stillllllllllll so hard to stay on the guys actually surfing in the water during heats?
I think someone needs to tell Kolohe to rethink his heat strategy. Maybe try surfing or something. I dunno.