In a move rocking the publishing world, Surfer
Magazine admits (basically) that it has run out of ideas.
8ish short months ago, Surfer Magazine
took a cover concept from the defunct, but brilliant,
Transworld Surf. It featured John John Florence with the
words “Watch the Throne” written bold. As stated on this very
website, the unattributed “borrowing” was, “Not a long enough time
ago for Surfer’s issue to be homage. Not a short
enough time ago to be ‘we thought of it first just printed late.’
Just the right amount of time ago to be uh oh!” (read whole story here!)
And they have done it again. Transworld‘s first cover
under its brilliant, yet enigmatic, creative director Sam Allen,
showed a young African boy bodyboarding a wave whilst sticking out
his tongue in black and white. It was as bold as it was perfect and
I asked Mr. Allen about it one day. How in the world did the
magazine agree to such different cover? He told me that he had to
swap everything out under cover of darkness and sneak it in. Have
you ever heard of such a thing at a major publication? His
instincts were, of course, right and today that cover is lauded as
one of the best of all time.
Though it is very well known, Surfer apparently has no
moral objection to borrowing the concept for their latest cover and
feature the same boy (maybe) with his friends standing in the waves
and smiling. In black and white.
Sources have confirmed that the Surfer staff is
thinking about re-naming their website PeachGrit. We will,
of course, keep you up to date.
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Reading: Five Breezy Escapist Books!
By Rory Parker
Who needs serious or wrist-slitting depression?
Elevate!
I like to read, and if you enjoy BeachGrit,
which is more than a little text heavy, I can only assume you do
too. Here’s a list of a few of my favorite books. Good books,
to be sure, but not heavy reading by any means. Reading should be
fun, provide escapism, make you laugh.
There’s a place for seriousness, but we don’t all have the
fortitude to slog our way through Joyce, or try to understand what
the fuck Pynchon is talking about, or deal with the wrist-slitting
depression Bukoswki brings to the table.
#1 Youth in Revolt by C.D. Payne
What begins as a funny but relatively realistic
bildungsroman slowly but surely moves into the realm of
the absurd. This might be my favorite book of all time. It follows
Nick Twisp, a no more than averagely horny fourteen-year-old boy,
through a series of increasingly serious and ridiculous
misadventures, all motivated by little more than his desire to get
his dick wet.
#2 Dune by Frank Herbert
You’ve probably read Dune, it’s one of the most famous
and critically acclaimed scifi novels ever written. Herbert manages
to tell an exciting tale of space wars, knife fights and giant sand
worms, all wrapped up in an allegory about the danger humanity
faces every time they lift someone to the status of “hero.”
The first book in the series is the easiest to swallow, as it
progresses it wanders into philosophically strange territory. I
love them all, but the later installments aren’t for everyone. But
Dune... anyone who says they don’t love it is a filthy
liar.
#3 Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb
Robin Hobb is the second nom de plume of Margaret Astrid
Lindholm Ogden, one of the most hyper-prolific and soul crushing
talented writers in the world. Each year she drops a new
book, each year it is absolutely superb. Assassin’s
Apprentice is the first instalment in her Realm of the
Elderlings series, which currently numbers fifteen novels. It’ll
suck you in and leave you crying and she manages to make you love
her characters, then subjects them to utter anguish.
#4 Tapping the Source by Kem Nunn
Set in a pre-gentrification Huntington Beach, Tapping the
Source follows Ike Tucker, a desert rat turned surfer in an
attempt to find who is responsible for his sisters death. It
doesn’t wax poetic about ersatz soul, it portrays surfers as they
generally are, self-involved hedonistic scumbags. Violent,
cruel, graphic. It is, in my opinion, Nunn’s finest work.
#5 Can’t You Get Along With Anyone by Allan
Weisbecker
Just kidding, this book fucking sucks.
Like most, I was a huge fan of In Search Of Captain
Zero. Great story, especially if you take the author at his
word and assume it’s all true. Which it, of course, isn’t. Writers
are, by nature, professional liars and you shouldn’t trust a word
they say.
I’ve got a longstanding personal beef with Weisbecker, and by
all indications I’m one of many. CYGAWA is, ostensibly, a
memoir, but is in reality a pile of self-indulgent garbage penned
by a misanthropic prick with little to no personal insight.
The following Amazon review does a good job of explaining the
situation:
My biggest beef, I suppose, is this: Weisbecker makes a big
deal–A REALLY BIG DEAL–about the ins and outs of good writing.
Talks a lot about building suspense, carrying the reader along,
giving the reader a pay-off at the end. He talks about his
obligation to the reader. And yet, when it comes to executing those
very things he preaches (in a manner so pompous I can only assume
his picture is used to illustrate the entry for “blowhard” in
Wikipedia), he completely drops the ball.
About half way through I got sick of his mewling self-pity.
About three quarters of the way through I decided to stop reading.
At the end, with him curled in a ball, unable to confront his
toxic, two-timing lover, I all but threw the book across the room
shouting “That’s it? That’s it, you complete pussy?”
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CJ Hobgood, simple, sober, original against Nat Young.
A classic!
Notorious last-placers storm to guaranteed
second-lasts at Teahuoo!
It is a gruesome business, this hacking away at
heats in waves that look like ashtrays, just to whittle it all down
to a workable dozen or so. When might sanity prevail, when might
sentimentality be thrown out the door, so the surf fan might be
spared the long and mentally costly grind of rounds one, two and
three?
A two-day contest would instantly turn a shabby,
cross-your-fingers event into something extravagant and
representative of surfing. You can’t count on a friendly shark at
every surf event to stir up the internet.
If the business of the WSL is to sell the game to the fabled
football fan, too dumb mostly to care what appears on his
television screen, what might he make of thirty-minutes of Bede
Durbidge and Glenn Hall, scrubbing for fives, in rain-soaked
inconsistent waves?
But for the surf fan, for you and me, even on these bleak days,
though not, let it be said, as bleak as yesterday, not as
threadbare and despairing, there are highlights to be found among
the long hours staring at a computer screen, eyeballs drained of
essential moisture.
Brett Simpson won a heat? And he beat Taj Burrow? And he beat
him well? For Brett it was like a man bursting out of a loveless
marriage and straight into glorious infidelity!
CJ Hobgood, an excellent craftsman if there ever was one, has
been disregarded by everyone including and has announced his
retirement from the tour. Would he drift off the scene, crumbling,
plucked?
Today new eyes grew in a new head. A nine and a bit! He sent Nat
Young straight back to Santa Cruz in last!
“I could not be more astonished than if you told me the Turin
Shroud was a fake,” gasped CJ.
I also enjoyed Adam Melling wrestling a foam ball at one point
in his heat against Ace Buchan, though he eventually lost. Kolohe
Andino, outstandingly brilliant at everything it seems except
surfing heats, scored less than five against Wiggolly Dantas.
Perhaps he can raise poultry with his millions.
Watch it all here, condensed form.
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.10, Jadson Andre (BRA) 8.23, Brett
Simpson (USA) 4.70
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) 11.67, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 11.50, C.J.
Hobgood (USA) 9.67
Heat 3: Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 13.10, Keanu Asing (HAW) 7.16, Filipe
Toledo (BRA) 5.37
Heat 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.66, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 9.00,
Garrett Parkes (AUS) 1.30
Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) 12.17, Adam Melling (AUS) 6.26, Taumata
Puhetini (PYF) 1.33
Heat 6: Bruno Santos (BRA) 8.67, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 5.30,
Michel Bourez (PYF) 2.44
Heat 7: Dusty Payne (HAW) 10.00, Nat Young (USA) 5.14, Kai Otton
(AUS) 1.30
Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 10.83, Taj Burrow (AUS) 4.77, Glenn
Hall (IRL) 2.96
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) 17.17, Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.80, Matt
Wilkinson (AUS) 9.00
Heat 10: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.43, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 14.47,
Ricardo Christie (NZL) 5.73
Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW) 17.96, Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)
13.83, Bede Durbidge (AUS)11.43
Heat 12: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 14.90, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 12.34,
Miguel Pupo (BRA) 12.27
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 16.26 def. Taumata Puhetini (PYF)
8.44
Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 8.57 def. Garrett Parkes (AUS) 8.23
Heat 3: C.J. Hobgood (USA) 18.13 def. Nat Young (USA) 16.66
Heat 4: Brett Simpson (USA) 16.50 def. Taj Burrow (AUS) 10.23
Heat 5: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 14.36 def. Glenn Hall (IRL) 9.44
Heat 6: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 10.83 def. Kolohe Andino (USA)
4.47
Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.67 def. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
12.44
Heat 8: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 12.50 def. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)
10.96
Heat 9: Kai Otton (AUS) 14.66 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 5.54
Heat 10: Jadson Andre (BRA) 17.10 def. Michel Bourez (PYF)
10.60
Heat 11: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 16.40 def. Adam Melling (AUS)
15.27
Heat 12: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.60 def. Keanu Asing (HAW)
14.07
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 3 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Brett Simpson (USA)
Heat 2: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)
Heat 3: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 5: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Gabriel Medina (HAW)
Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Bruno Santos (BRA)
Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Aritz Aranburu (ESP)
Heat 8: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) vs. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 10: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
Heat 12: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)
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Shadowed and sad: Day one, Billabong Pro,
Tahiti
By Derek Rielly
I see nothing but boredom, everywhere. But, wait,
Kelly!
Tahiti, as in the island in French Polyneisa, is the
most beautiful of its sort on earth. I must confess that
every time I sort myself out and land in Papeete and make that
two-hour drive to the perfectly named End of the Road, where one
finds the wave hosting the Billabong Pro, I lose all my gloomy
apprehensions.
I doubt there is a greater joy on earth than being met at the
airport in the early evening and driving toward Tahiti-iti, little
Tahiti, in the bed of your accommodation’s pick-up; you, gazing at
a Pacific sky knitted almost solid with stars.
There are no objectionable hotels or sweeping estates of
billionaires who are never to be seen. Instead, at the End of the
Road we find clusters of modest home-stays, whitewashed, air-cooled
houses that take in anyone who wants to surf Teahupoo or the other
couple of reefs nearby for a hundred US or so a night.
And therefore, during the Billabong Pro, instead of 34 surfers
and their various entourages spread out over a dozen hotels we have
surfers living cheek by jowl, sometimes literally. And the mood is
elevated. Dinner and breakfast is taken on long narrow tables, a
dozen surfers crowded around the poisson cru and french fries and
cans of beer, sometimes wine. Staying at the End of the Road during
the event is both an education and an inebriation.
Today the waves were very poor at the Billabong Pro,
three-to-six feet, and dulled by an onshore wind, as appealing as
communist architecture. Kelly Slater was marvellous, Fanning was
revived by the #IMWITHMICK campaign enough to paddle out and, in
total, eight heats ran in waves so ugly I’m guessing most of us
averted our eyes in shame.
Get debriefed here.
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.10, Jadson Andre (BRA) 8.23, Brett
Simpson (USA) 4.70
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) 11.67, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 11.50, C.J.
Hobgood (USA) 9.67
Heat 3: Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 13.10, Keanu Asing (HAW) 7.16, Filipe
Toledo (BRA) 5.37
Heat 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.66, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 9.00,
Garrett Parkes (AUS) 1.30
Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) 12.17, Adam Melling (AUS) 6.26, Taumata
Puhetini (PYF) 1.33
Heat 6: Bruno Santos (BRA) 8.67, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 5.30,
Michel Bourez (PYF) 2.44
Heat 7: Dusty Payne (HAW) 10.00, Nat Young (USA) 5.14, Kai Otton
(AUS) 1.30
Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 10.83, Taj Burrow (AUS) 4.77, Glenn
Hall (IRL) 2.96
Upcoming Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 1
Match-Ups:
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS), Matt Wilkinson (AUS), Kolohe Andino
(USA)
Heat 10: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Gabriel Medina (BRA), Ricardo
Christie (NZL)
Heat 11: Bede Durbidge (AUS), John John Florence (HAW), Fredrick
Patacchia (HAW)
Heat 12: Jeremy Flores (FRA), Wiggolly Dantas (BRA), Miguel Pupo
(BRA)
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Style: The WSL Haircut Power Rankings!
By Negatron
Who has the best hair on the WSL!
Carine Roitfeld is the style icon famous, among
other things, as the editor-in-chief of Vogue
Paris. Her opinion on a man’s hair bears retelling.
“The true test of a man’s style is the haircut. There are some
men who look good no matter how their hair is styled, whether it’s
trendy or not. A man can change his haircut many times, but to pull
off any haircut, you have to be very chic.”
In the spirit of Roitfeld, the newly minted BeachGrit
writer Negatron has created a power rankings of the best hair on
tour…
#1 Ricardo Christie
WSL ranking 29th
What’s not to like? Golden Shirley Temple curls with a touch of the
Caribbean. So “surfie” to the mainstream. But to me, a nod to the
era’s past yet individual and contemporary at the same time. Even
your girl looks at his hair with glaring green
eyes. Unfortunately for Ric, it may also cost him his spot on
tour this year. Too many times I’ve seen him brushing his hair out
of his eyes while riding a wave… scoring an 8.75 when he needed a
9. The most respected rookie on tour. He needs to lose those locks
as at this level a one millisecond delay from a swipe of the hair
is enough for another undeserved 25th placing.
(Here we see the hair swipe in action)
#2Josh
Kerr
WSL ranking 9th
California has ego-inflated
population base. If you don’t look good you ain’t good. Hair
dressers from across the States go there to find fame and
fortune only to end up homeless on the streets. Only the best
survive and the Australian ex-pat has tapped into that source.
Just the right mix of tradition, taste, function and form to match
his expanding business empire.
#3 Taj Burrow
WSL Ranking 8th
Mr Burrow doesn’t give a shit about how his hair
looks, but two decades of hanging with models on his arm has his
cellphone contacts brimful with top hair stylists from
around the world. In the long term this could mean more than
any World Title. Burrow strikes me as the sort of man that doesn’t
blink an eyelid at paying $400 for a trim, only to walk out the
door without even looking in the mirror and straight into the
ocean.
#4 Bebe Durbridge
WSL ranking 11th
Just natural surf hair. Timeless and honest. Gets
haircuts from his aunt, out on her back lawn when he’s back in
town. Has a gruff curl that just screams, I could tile that
patio in under three hours.
#5 Nat Young
WSL Ranking 7th
There’s something bad-arse about letting your mum cut
your hair. In a perverse way it’s… gangsta! No nonsense, no
fuss and definitely no frills. Much like his approach to surfing
waves in competition.
Luckily for him, he’s a top 10 pro-surfer as in the
real world no woman under 45 would even look twice at that mop.
Ain’t no shame in winning heats though!
#6 Kelly Slater
WSL Ranking 6th
The King actually isn’t bald. The brave decision to
pretend to be bald has him here in the top10. Being the
mastermind competitor, back in 03 he worked out that if he shaved
every hair off his head his opponents would be drawn faster
into his laser like hypnotic eyes, rendering their competition
savvy useless. Leaving them flustered and foundering around for
scraps while he takes the best waves of the heat. Luckily for the
younger generation, they have grown up with his dome and don’t seem
to be as affected as those in the dark years gone by.
#7 Keanu Asing
WSL Ranking 21st
For the life of me, I can’t remember how Keanu surfs.
But that boy-next-door short back and sides cut! With that cute
little spiky quiff on-top. Any parent would be happy to see him
walk though the door with their daughter.
#8 CJ Hobgood
WSL Ranking 36th
Nothing but respect for a dude who’s thinning
out but owns it. Cool, calm.”It don’t matter” his hair laughs!
CJ ain’t gonna fall into the shaven head, club bouncer look
like his tour contemporaries Freddy P and Slater. On a side
note, it looks like a couple of up and coming bouncers are
looking to join the ranks in the coming years: JazzHands Jadson,
D-Pain and my man Wiggolly.
#9 Glenn Hall
WSL Ranking 32nd
Micro has hair like my accountant, A simple side-part
that says, listen to me… I know… just relax. I trust my accountant.
He makes me money. I like this, therefore Glenn’s just’s slipped
into the top 10 for the first time in his career.
#10 Michel Bourez
WSL Ranking 25th
The Spartan is a name an urban myth mobster would
have on the streets of New York in the 50’s. Michel’s wise-guy hair
demands respect and respect is not given lightly by the
Spartan.
#11 Julian Wilson
WSL Ranking 3rd
Look he’s perfect all-round, so of
course his hair is fantastic. Usually I punish people like him out
of bitterness and resentment. But I really don’t want to endure
relentless badgering and trolling in the comments from his legion
of pre-teen fan-girls.
#12 John John Florence
WSL Ranking 14th
JJF takes surf hair to the next level. Anyone’s who
has spent a month surfing non-stop knows the feeling, hardy, stiff,
salt encrusted tufts only a surfer could love. Imagine surfing
non-stop for pretty much your whole life. I’m guessing his hair is
pretty much 85% salt. But I do get a sneaking suspicion that some
yucky little pillow dreads may be lingering around the base of his
neck. If anyone can prove it, Wilko and his mangey mop is taking
JJF’s spot.
#13 Mick Fanning
WSL Ranking 2nd
Ricardo should take note from his old Rip Curl
stablemate. Short, sharp, concise and to the point. Not an ounce of
vanity or emotion. It’s the hair of a man that wins heats, titles,
fights sharks. A buzz cut that the common man can identify with. I
am Mick Fanning, give me the trophy.
#14 Gabriel Medina
WSL Ranking 15th
The Brazilian Storm doesn’t seem to be translating
too well into a well groomed headpiece. Sure they are a good-ish
looking bunch of cats. But I identify more with an ugly man with a
brave haircut.
Anyway, Gabriel just beat Pupo to make the list
simply for the pure potential his hair has… so thick. Such
body.
#15 Jordy Smith
WSL Ranking 22nd
The man with the most potential of them all! Oh so
close he gets. Such height and combinations! He just doesn’t know
what to do and when to do it. I feel the frustration within
him building and growing every month. I know he struts the mirror
like Mick Jagger but the self-doubt and inner-rage once he hits the
catwalk cripples him. I have a solution. Jordy, with a
forehead of that size you need a long straight fringe to put the
focus back to the hair and your eyes. Half Emo, half 80’s styling.
Covering one eye, with it short at the back but lightly layered.
Dyed black of course.
#16 Owen Wright
WSL Ranking 5th
Owen knows it’s going. Every death pit he gets spit
out of (while lesser men quiver on the shoulder) shoots a few more
strands off the top. Wave by wave it going. Like CJ he’s owning it.
With a nod to the late 60’s songwriters he looks like he could be
playing bass guitar along side Neil young. But caution must be
taken as it’s a fine line. One minute you are playing with Neil
young and the next you are in a Michael Bolton cover band playing
the sax solos.
