Hawaii’s Refugee Crisis!

You want to be a refugee in a tropical paradise? First, you gotta learn some rules.

How fucked is this photo? Mooching off aloha, living true to the stupid fucking haole stereotype.  Come to our islands (I’ve lived here for eights years! Super local status! You should hear my affected pidgin!), take take take, then bounce back to the mainland when you’re done taking advantage.

I get the desire to live the hippy trip. I really do.

I love being naked. Drugs are great. Anonymous sex is the tits.

And you can make it work. I’ve met more than a few spacy weirdos who get along just fine. Work some menial part-time job, spew a lot of spiritual mumbo-jumbo while sipping kombucha at the beach park.  It’s not for me, I like hot water and fast internet and enough money to pay my bills on time. But shine on you crazy diamonds! If you can follow a few rules we’ll get along just fine.

Wash yourself: Even raccoons wash their hands, and those fucking trash pandas are filthy by nature. When you’ve got a million streams, the ocean, and a multitude of public showers available to rinse the dirt off your greasy body there’s no excuse for hands so grungy it looks like you’re wearing a pair of gloves. This is basic fucking hygiene we’re talking about. The type of stuff that should come standard with a pair of opposable thumbs.

White people dreads are disgusting at the best of times, in humid tropical weather they’re little more than fetid petri dishes hanging from your scalp. You may as well collect a pile of cat shit and staple it to your dome. Equally fashionable, equally disgusting.

Wear deodorant: I don’t care if you think it’s unnatural. Get one of those crystals to run on your pits, I’ve heard they work. Smear berry juice on yourself, or mud, or whatever. I don’t really care.

If you think you can rock up smelling like a pile of onions and be treated decently you’ve got another thing coming. Yes, I know, if everyone smells then no one smells. But that doesn’t change the fact that you fucking stink.

Cut your hair: White people dreads are disgusting at the best of times, in humid tropical weather they’re little more than fetid petri dishes hanging from your scalp. You may as well collect a pile of cat shit and staple it to your dome. Equally fashionable, equally disgusting.

Cut that shit, shear it short. Stop pretending that smearing patchouli in your shit-locks is the same as a proper wash.

Don’t beg: Sharing means giving as much as you take, maybe more. If you have no job, no money, are always bumming rides and not contributing you’re a leech. If you beg and borrow but have a safety net in the form of mommy and daddy back home you’re an actual thief.

You see these fuckers on a semi-weekly basis slouching through the streets of Kapaa. They hitch a ride down from Princeville, where they live illegally in the bush. Act like they’re a part of nature rather than the environmental scourge they really are.

Shit on the ground, steal fruit from real humans.

Worse than the feral cat plague, fed by the same type of moron.