Hawaii don't need tourism money, sustainable is a scam, you're a terrible person and more!

One thing I miss about writing for The Inertia, people used to get so angry at me! So easy to push buttons, get all the kooks up in arms.

I get a lot more positive feedback on BeachGrit, which, to be honest, always makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Like, if most people enjoy what you’re doing, maybe it’s not that good. Right?

Or maybe Negatron just removes all the mean comments. I don’t know.

I think the piece that pissed the most people off was some low-effort junk titled, 5 Unpleasant Truths About Surfing that Everyone Needs to Hear.

Oh, did the internet ever get up in arms! And over such mundane, obvious, pointless stuff too.

Today Derek suggested I do a follow-up.

Okay, no problem, easy stuff, always got plenty to rant about.

Hawaii doesn’t need your tourism money: I see it come up every time someone mentions the problems caused by a constant stream of visiting pasty skinned lookee-loos. “Hawaii wouldn’t be able to survive without tourism.”

Nonsense. Hawaii would do just fine without below living wage hospitality jobs. The local populace would be more than happy if every illegal vacation rental flooded the long-term market and caused rental prices to plummet. No one would shed a tear if the legions of befuddled turtle gazing morons stopped bringing Kam Highway traffic to a screeching halt.

Yeah, a handful of people make a mint siphoning money out of visitors’ pockets, but the state as a whole bears the burden.

I will admit the chronics probably enjoy having a steady influx of rental cars to pillage.

“Sustainable” is a scam: Our boards are poison, accessories made in Third World hell-holes, and sustainable just means something can go on forever.

But that hasn’t stopped several groups of money minded “social entrepreneurs” from cashing in on branding efforts.

By the way, I’d like to use this opportunity to offer my own “Rape Offset™” program. For a small fee I will promise not to abduct and molest any unsuspecting individuals, thereby freeing you to buy a rusted-out van and start snatching.

Let’s examine two of ’em.  Sustainable Surf which peddles its “Deep Blue Surfing Event” brand, and The Center for Surf Research, the same people behind STOKE certifications.

Acquiring a “Deep Blue Surfing Event” label is relatively simple, throw money around. Purchase some carbon offsets, gift a local charity a few bucks, then lie about how “green” you are. Like, did you know that the Van’s US Open is a sustainable event? Yep, great for the environment. There definitely isn’t a massive amount of garbage swag abandoned on the beach every year.

By the way, I’d like to use this opportunity to offer my own “Rape Offset™” program. For a small fee I will promise not to abduct and molest any unsuspecting individuals, thereby freeing you to buy a rusted-out van and start snatching.

Their own site states “The 2015 Vans US Open of Surfing (USO) has exceeded the minimum requirements in four categories, and has been designated as a Deep Blue Surfing Event™ by Sustainable Surf.”

Then follows up with “The Vans US Open of Surfing did not meet the requirements of the renewable energy category, which requires a minimum 25% renewable energy overall. Biodiesel usage was not reported, although the generators did have signage declaring biodiesel.”

There’s nothing special about riding a wave: Yeah, we all want to pretend we’re somehow keyed in to Mother Gaia, that our favorite hobby makes us somehow more pristine and pure than your typical landlubber. But it’s just a hobby.

You know that awesome feeling you get after an amazing session, how life seems brighter and better and makes it seems like every single shitty aspect of life isn’t so bad? You can get that anywhere.

Jump out of a plane, play a game of golf, build a model train set in your basement. It’s all the same, just a fun activity that makes the average day a little easier to get through.

You’re probably a terrible person: If you don’t believe the average surfer is a xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic, bigot, please do me a favor and go click around social media for a few minutes. Start with The Inertia‘s Facebook comments, then hit up the Surfer Mag bulletin boards, swing on over to Stab when you’re done there. Go ahead, I’ll wait here…

Brutal stuff, huh? Amazing how much close minded hateful rhetoric spills from our collective fingertips when we can hide behind anonymity.

Supporting your child’s professional surfing aspirations makes you a terrible parent:

Got a batch of crotch fruit you’d like to turn into failures with the emotional depth of a kiddy pool? Then go ahead and home school ’em, spend each weekend shuttling between NSSA comps.

Maybe you’ll get lucky, they’ll be talented enough to slog through the ‘QS for a few years, then snag a job repping for a sponsor.

More likely they’ll end up hanging drywall at forty, drinking away every night at a local watering hole, reliving the time they got a two page spread and the resulting $500 photo incentive check.

They’ll find some small solace in the fact they’re the best surfer at their local spot, eventually knock up some trash bag, and pass along the tradition of failure to the next generation.