Parko's gonna retire, Adriano's gonna win, Dusty Payne'll lose a heat against himself…
Predictions? Who don’t like ’em? We got eight weeks until we greet again the of the first WCT event of the season. Let’s imagine what skirmishes will greet us.
The author of this piece is a Mr Kyle Wilson, who explains his work thus: “If it’s too harsh or you think lawyers would get involved I’m okay with toning it down (Yes, Kyle, even us libertines at BeachGrit recoil at descriptives that contain “blossoming between her uplifted thighs, its swordlike blades gaping open to expose the bloody depths.”) Honestly, I think it’s funny and would love to read it. These guys are on tour, tomorrow I get to surf for an hour in slop shit Florida waves before I go to construction work. If you can’t laugh at yourself..”
1. Most Likely To Win The World Title: Adriano de Souza
Yup. And he’ll do it with even less fanfare than last year. With every tour win or great result Kelly Slater will announce new and innovative results at the wave park to steal his thunder, culminating in a Kanye style mic grab during ADS’s World Title speech in which Slater reveals, in true Willy Wonka fashion, that a golden ticket for lifetime access to the park is hidden in the lining of one of his $400 OuterKnown jackets. Madness ensues. ADS plays solitaire on his flight home to Brazil.
Kelly will skip Rio with a knee/foot/back/shoulder injury. And who can blame him? Who wants to surf through a sea full of human shit? Maybe this will be the year the boys on tour put their collective foot down and refuse to surf until they deal with the pollution problem. The WSL will panic and try to recruit replacement surfers, Dusty Payne will be the only one to cross the picket line and be promptly eliminated in a round two heat against himself.
2. Most Likely To Skip Rio: Kelly Slater
Shocker. I know. Kelly will skip Rio with a knee/foot/back/shoulder injury. And who can blame him? Who wants to surf through a sea full of human shit? Maybe this will be the year the boys on tour put their collective foot down and refuse to surf until they deal with the pollution problem. The WSL will panic and try to recruit replacement surfers, Dusty Payne will be the only one to cross the picket line and be promptly eliminated in a round two heat against himself.
3. Most Likely To Pull A Freddy P: Joel Parkinson
Parko’s round one heat in pumping Snapper Rocks will see him drop two perfect 10’s and come in with 13 minutes remaining. Kai Otten is then forced to give Parko a piggyback ride through the already drunk Gold Coast crowd. Surprisingly, Parko still shows up to all remaining WSL events just to stick his finger in Kai’s mouth to ruin every yawn.
4. Most Likely To Have Their Yawns Ruined By Parko: Kai Otten
5. Most Likely To Not Be Recognized By His Shaper: Alex Ribeiro
Nothing against the kid. I’ve just never heard of him and I guess I assume nobody else has either. Don’t feel bad Alex. This one time I was maced by my shaper’s wife because he neglected to tell her that I’d be waiting for them when they got home from an evening out. When I drunkenly pranced across the yard to give a woman I’ve never met a hug she predictably reacted badly. Didn’t help that I was going through a ski mask phase at the time.
6. Most Likely To Change Their Name: Wiggolly Dantas
For obvious reason. Come on bub, it’s been 26 years, you gotta pull the trigger. May I suggest “Ortho”?
Runner Up: John John Florence
Seriously, how is everybody okay with this shit?
7. Most Likely To Be Involved In A Sex Tape Scandal: Jack Freestone
Alana Blanchard is sitting at 1.5 million followers and needs to turn up the heat. She will convince Jack to be the “Ray J” to her “Kim Kardashian”. “The Fappining” will be but a drop in the pond once this goes public. Jack will wake up with 500k new followers. Way to take one for the team Jacky boy.
8. Most Likely To Get A Patriotic Tattoo: Kolohe Andino
I’m picturing a bald eagle. Draped in an American flag. Guzzling a Bud Heavy. Firing an M 16. Location: tramp stamp.
9. Most Likely To Bang A Hollywood Starlet: John John Florence
I heard a rumor that Double J got all up in those Taylor Swift guts, but this year he’s going to capitalize even more on those magnificent golden locks of his. He’s going to set his sights even higher. Jennifer Lawrence? Salma Hayek? Bette Midler? Hell, maybe all three. Good on ya JJ.
10. Most Likely To Be Voted “Best Ears”: Jadson Andre
My god, have you seen those things? They are fucking glorious. There is this short story by Charles Bukowski called “The Great Zen Wedding”. Bukowski drunkenly tries to fight a Buddhist Monk and says: “I either want your motherfucking outfit or your motherfucking ears”. I don’t wear Oakley board shorts, Jadson. I’m coming for those motherfucking ears.