Gossip: Surfer dates Christie Brinkley?

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

a New York State of Mind for sure!

Balaram Stack is a New York surfer with a wonderful name. I once broke into his mom’s house with then Surfing editor-in-chief Taylor Paul to maybe get wax or something? I can’t remember. We wanted to surf and it was pumping out the front. Later, Balaram’s mom drove us somewhere. All of this is fuzzy. Taylor? Can you help me here?

Billy Joel is a New York singer famous for his soulful vocals and piano playing. His famous song New York State of Mind soars as does the playful Uptown Girl. The latter was written about his then wife supermodel Christie Brinkley.

And has there ever been a grander star than she? Her face filled my childhood dreams. The very picture of American beauty. She graced the cover of many Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions, was in National Lampoon’s Summer Vacation as Chevy Chase’s fantasy in the red Ferrari and tickled insomniacs with her late night informercials for Total Body Fitness etc.

She and Billy Joel were married in 1985 and divorced in 1994. But there is a new man on her Instagram feed and it is none other than New York surfer Balaram Stack! Could they be more than friends? The captions are cute, nice, fun and may belie a romantic connection? Balaram’s eyes sure glow but wouldn’t yours? I texted the boy and asked, “Are you dating Christie Brinkley?” At time of printing he has yet to respond.

If Balaram and Christie Brinkley are, indeed, an item I will nominate this for the best surfer + model/actress/singer connection of all time. Kelly Slater with Pam Anderson had, previously, held the number one slot. Kelly Slater with Giselle had held the number two. Kelly Slater with Cameron Diaz had held number three. But Balaram trumps them all if, indeed, true.

(Thanks to Jerry Muncuso for his sharp IG skills.)

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The Florida skimboarder Brad Domke, surfing twenty-foot Jaws as you read, and three-time world champion Tom Curren in Mex last year. Not a fin between 'em.

Candid: I love stand-up bodyboarding!

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

So does Tom Curren! Brad Domke in a roundabout way too…

I spent every Summer, from ten to sixteen, condemned to the daily hell that was junior lifeguards.

I hated it with a passion. Ride my bike to the beach in the early morning gloom, run and swim and run again. Desperately try to hide my ever present boners from the swiftly developing girls in my age bracket. A tiny patch of exposed tan line, the way a one piece suit would ride up their pubescent little asses, a light breeze brushing my trunks against my tiny pink member. They’d force us to wear those elastic waistband/mesh underpants combo nightmares, nearly impossible to hide an erection in those things. Spent a lot of time lying on my stomach feigning confusion while an instructor berated me to get up and start running.

When we were finally set free it was a mad dash to retrieve my surfboard and get in the water before noon, when the black ball flag flew and hard boards were banned by the same fascists who’d been torturing me all morning.

A tiny patch of exposed tan line, the way a one piece suit would ride up their pubescent little asses, a light breeze brushing my trunks against my tiny pink member. They’d force us to wear those elastic waistband/mesh underpants combo nightmares, nearly impossible to hide an erection in those things. Spent a lot of time lying on my stomach feigning confusion while an instructor berated me to get up and start running.

Because it was the early 90’s, and leaving children unattended was yet to be declared criminal, I had a lot of time to fill before whichever parent I was living with came home. Surfing was my first choice, but lacking that option I was happy with setting fires, shoplifting, prying open the newspaper pay boxes that contained those old porn/prostitution pulp rags that have long since disappeared.

A Summer friend, TJ Jenkins, a kid who went to a different school but was my best bud three months of the year, eventually turned me on to stand-up bodyboarding. TJ was head and shoulders beyond me, ability wise, eventually became an amazing aerial surfer, by 90’s standards, then dropped off the face of the earth around the time we turned eighteen. I often wonder what happened to TJ, social media searches don’t turn up squat. He had a drug problem for a bit toward the end, really hope he’s still breathing.

It was fun, not surfing, but close enough to scratch the itch. I began lugging my bodyboard with me each day, a tattered and waterlogged Mach 7-7 wider than my arms were long. Couldn’t do a turn, just get in trim, maybe manage the occasional end section bonk. But I was having fun, and that was all that really mattered.

I backed off around thirteen, when I realized how badly it was fucking up my style. Keeping the rail in the water requires an off kilter stance, actual bottom turns are nearly impossible without an amazing level of ability.

But I still own a boogie, an oversized fat boy model Custom X I bought fifteen years ago, that occasionally gets dusted off and put to use. I eat shit on the takeoff nine times out of ten, but I still have as much fun today as I did back then.

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Objective: Your favorite surf brand!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

Which one do you love more than all the rest?

Social media is an absolute hoot. Sometimes. When Twitter, Instagram etc. all first started cracking for the mags, a few years ago, I thought, “Amazing! Now the world will actually know how many people engage!” My computer skillz were such, and still are, that I didn’t know the numbers could be gamed. Derek’s were/are better. He can photoshop and edit li’l vids that the WSL threatens to sue us over. Neither of us are good enough to fudge follower numbers, though, (Hello barely 15k people on Facebook!) but whatever. We embrace reality! We stab artifice in its wandering eye!

In any case, objectively, which of our surf brands have the biggest following/are most popular? Do you have a guess? The lovely boys over at EmpireAve.com did an amazingly exhaustive study looking specifically at Instagram numbers. Not just which is biggest (surprise!) but which has the greatest engagement, which posts the most, which posts get the most likes etc.

The piece is full of fun facts and a provide a small window into how the brands see themselves, what they project and how that projection is received by the people.

And your favorite brand based on likes?

Billabong! Followed by Quiksilver, Rip Curl, Volcom and those upstart Mad Hueys!

Quiksilver actually has the most followers but people around the world clicked Billabong’s little heart more than all the rest…12 million times even!

Dig in to the rest HERE and for fun plug your own account into the mix. How did you do? Will 2016 be better? Let’s hope!

P.S. Todd Kline (@toddokrine) had 90,520 likes.

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Four Things Surfers Have Ruined

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

Can you guess four things surfers have screwed up? Wait, only four?

I know a lot of you are reading this stuff from outside my own country, and I’m never really sure how much US news makes it across borders. Not much, I assume, since I know little to nothing about what’s going on in Australia, or New Zealand.

Which is where I think a large majority of our readers reside.

Anyway, in case you weren’t aware we’ve got a lovely bunch of right wing racist Christian terrorists occupying a federal building and rattling their sabers. A true blue bunch of nutjobs, one of their number, a PTSD addled vet, even posted a jihad-style martyr video.

Entertaining stuff, I figure they’re either going to get killed or locked up for a very long time. It’d be scary if I still lived on the mainland, place is infested with this type of lunatic. But I’m thousands of miles away, safe in the Pacific, resident of the state with the lowest gun ownership rate in the USA.

The only real effect it has on my life, outside of entertainment value, is that it finally changed my opinion on guns. I’ve always liked guns. They’re cool, make a lot of noise, kill things. Don’t own any, myself, because like Jim Jeffries said, “From time to time, we all get sad…”

So, yeah, for whatever reason, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I’m in the no-more-guns camp. It sucks, group of idiots ruined it for everyone, but them’s the breaks.

I’ll happily sacrifice my theoretical right to own a firearm if it keeps them out of the hands of people like those dumb fucks in Oregon.

Which got me thinking about aspects of surfing that aren’t bad, in and of themselves, but are used in such a way that the world would be a better place without them.

Don’t we surfers love to fuck stuff up? A delusional horde of hedonistic narcissists who play at spirituality descend on a locale and kill in inside a decade. Pollution, poverty, addiction, carpet bagging cocksuckers joining the gold rush to buy up land and privatize access. We’re a nightmare, and we know it

Here are four…

Volume: Arguably, the most useless number you can assign a surfboard. Sure, coupled with length, width, rocker, a tiny bit of knowledge about bottom contour, and rail foil, it can help make a decision regarding board design. But on its own it only relates to buoyancy, and means nothing worth knowing. But it’s a single number, very easy to explain, great for selling boards. Perfect when slapping together a bullshit calculator that peddles boards to uninformed consumers.

Travel: Jeez, don’t we surfers love to fuck stuff up? A delusional horde of hedonistic narcissists who play at spirituality descend on a locale and kill in inside a decade. Pollution, poverty, addiction, carpet bagging cocksuckers joining the gold rush to buy up land and privatize access. We’re a nightmare, and we know it. Read about surfers screwing Bali here.

Religion: I’m not religious, made no secret of that. But I don’t really have a problem with people who are, as long as they keep it to themselves. Which most do. The average person is pretty decent, trying to foist your ethos on another person is fucked enough an act beyond the pale.

But religious surf organizations, almost exclusively Christian, never cease to get me riled.

Bunch of chicken hawk charlatans trying to recruit the weak and dumb, turn my favorite activity into a means of indoctrination. It’s not something of which I’ll ever be accepting, or even approaching polite.

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Do you think they'll give shark jaw trophies in South Africa anymore?

Ex-pro surfer wins fantasy version!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

It's a fantasy come true! Like Pete Rose!

Is it your dream to be on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour? To surf those waves in front of the hundreds online and maybe win it all? To be chaired up the beach on the shoulders of your best acquaintances and sip lukewarm Red Bull?

I can only imagine that was Blake Thornton’s. Who he? Oh ye of little memory! Blake stormed onto the CT in 2010 after winning Santa Cruz’s Coldwater Classic and competed for maybe the year before maybe falling off? Surf historian Matt Warshaw…I’m looking in your direction right now. That’s what happened, yeah? In my mind’s eye he had a beard and powerful cutback.

In any case, this year saw Blake riding a hot hand all the way to first place…of Fantasy Surfer! Yes, the Australian native won it all (six nights at the North Shore’s Turtle Bay plus two welcome drinks) and did it in such fashion that he didn’t even need Pipe. Adriano, are you reading? Mick, are you? Blake crushed his competition early and crushed them often and, thus, was allowed to play golf instead of being glued to those last heats. Surfer mag interviewed the champ after his victory. Let’s tuck in!

Do you feel like your professional career helped narrow your picks?

I would be lying if I said it didn’t help in a way. I think having surfed all the spots and knowing how they break on different swells and how certain guys perform at certain venues was definitely an advantage.

As we approached the last event, did you feel confident that you were going to win the whole thing?

I wasn’t too up to speed with the whole numbers breakdown, but my buddy—who actually got me into Fantasy Surfer initially—is an accountant and a real number-cruncher. He did the math and said it would be tough for someone to overtake me as I had a pretty low throwaway.

How did you find out that you won?

I just jumped online after Pipe had finished and I saw that I was still rated number one. Not long after I received the official email and was pretty much in shock. I was actually playing golf on the finals day. It was pretty hard to sit through some of the slow heats, so I was streaming it on my phone and tuning in to the highlights.

How did Fantasy Surfer begin for you?

I joined Fantasy Surfer two years ago and it started out as a way for me and my buddy to go head-to-head each event. In the beginning, I didn’t do much research. I just picked teams based on which surfer I thought had a good chance at the event and even picked a few guys who were friends. But it wasn’t until the Trestles comp that my mate informed me I was ranked fourth in the world. From there, I started to dig into it more and looking into the forecast. But I never studied heat draws or anything like that — just the surf forecast.

Any shockers this season? Looks like you killed it at Portugal and Tahiti, but Rio and Lowers were rough.

Yeah, Rio and Lowers are tough ones to pick, particularly Rio, I guess. It’s a funky beach break and there are always a lot of scrappy heats. It’s a place where even the best surfers struggle and there are always upsets. Trestles is such a machine. Now that the judging has evened off a bit, it feels like it’s a venue that rewards both rail and air surfing equally. There’s no guarantee that real high-performance guy like Toledo can beat a real solid rail surfer like Ace out there. So that’s why it was a tricky one for me.

Do you have any advice that you’d want to to give other players?

My biggest advantage was that I had been there and done that. Paying attention to the history of the surfer at the event would be a good start. Swell forecasts are always a good trick, too, but I reckon the best way is to keep it fun and maybe start a club with a bunch of mates like I did. Who knows — you might find yourself on top at the end of the year.

If you are racist and/or xenophobic and are angry with surfing’s two Brazilian champs in a row embrace Blake and your problems be solved!

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Eat beach grit spam!