Ugh: Man surfs for 30 hours!

Josh Enslin enters the Guinness Book of World Records!

Do you remember the bro, “Everyday” Dale Webster, who surfed 14,641 days in a row with a minimum of three waves per day? 40 whole years? It is an ironman streak that will surely never be broken, or even approached, but like, ugh, right? Sometimes the ocean is just an ugly tub and it is a great pleasure not to step foot in it. I tip my imaginary cap to him while at the same time surf checking and then going home.

Yesterday, another record was broken. South African Josh Enslin surfed on South Africa’s eastern cape for 30 hours and 11 minutes catching 466 waves. The previous record of 29 hours and 27 minutes had been set by American Ben Shaw.

“The toughest part for me was the 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. stretch. Conditions were freezing, fatigue had set in, and my body was freezing,” Josh told Billabong, one of his partners. “The waves had picked up as well, so I was duck diving all the time.”

And good on him too but that sounds awful. God awful.

Well now he is in the Guinness Book of World Records alongside Dale Webster. If you were going to try and break a record which would it be? I am going for Snarkily Dismissing Other’s Accomplishments Every Single Day Over the Course of a Life.


Filipe arrived at the party and his swagger was back. Gone was the laughing stock of Teahupoo, back was the greasy acrobat. | Photo: WSL

Everyone admits: “Filipe world’s best!”

TourNotes's Peter King on the supremacy of Filipe Toledo and crummy judging decisions…

Last year I interviewed the former pro surfer turned video-journalist Peter King on his use of tour surfers as his personal marionettes. There can be no shadow of a doubt that the old crone has the good humoured admiration of all the best surfers in the world, and this includes Kelly Slater and John John Florence.

Do you watch his creation Tour Notes? Of course you do!

Why does he succeed while others hack up work solemnly tiresome and dull?

“I don’t drink, never drank, I love sugar, but I’m not threatening anyone’s space. I’m not some 26 year old shucking and jiving my way up the marketing chain. I’m not trying to be anyone’s agent, I’m not trying to be a host of the webcast, I’m not trying to make 15 dollars on a Surfline photo. There’s no jealousy. It’s just me. “

Read that interview here.  

Two weeks, ago, the noted writer Rory Parker theorised that 2015 was surfing’s dead-ball era of surfing, a boring game of numbers, surfers drilled into mindless conformity by repetitious scoring and events. And PK responded thus:

“I don’t think it was boring. I found a lot of great moments out there…not sure if the right stories though are always being told.Perhaps Rory you need to get on this tour with me! Between my #Tournotes style stories and you reporting your take on things, I think there would be an untold amount of interest generated from the Tour stops and characters …regardless of who wins what heats.”

I like PK’s candour so I interviewed him, again, for his opinion, which I believe entirely lacks prejudice, of the 2015 season.

If anyone messes up they have to leave. Except the judges. The judges don’t answer to anyone. It’s more like a supreme court than a surfing contest. I’ve sat around, watched jaws drop at scores, and a couple of days later they apologise. But there goes someone’s livelihood. Filipe great Adriano at Trestles, hands down, and yet we get to the end of the tour and Adriano’s the world champ.

BeachGrit: Rory wrote about the dead-ball era of surfing, that it was the most tedious in recent history. Do you agree or no? 

PK: He was pretty spot on. The tour’s trying to play it safe the first couple of years out to satisfy everyone. My opinion is this: Everything is up for grabs on that tour. You can be fired like that, Brett Simpson didn’t qualify so he’s kicked off, goodbye thanks for coming. If Dave Prodan, the marketing manager says something wrong, he may have to leave. If anyone messes up they have to leave. Except the judges. The judges don’t answer to anyone. It’s more like a supreme court than a surfing contest. I’ve sat around, watched jaws drop at scores, and a couple of days later they apologise. But there goes someone’s livelihood. Filipe beat Adriano at Trestles, hands down, and yet we get to the end of the tour and Adriano’s the world champ. But there’s no way he beat Filipe at Trestles. And Filipe would’ve won that event, the way he was surfing.

And you can’t tell me Gabriel got a six-five for flopping down at Pipe. There’s a lot on the line, man. All the hype and the quality of surfing, they have to get the scores right. The big question is, how do we get the world champion we all agree on? We need to show Joe Shmoe, whom the WSL made a fan of surfing, that the fix isn’t in, and if boring is being celebrated as Rory articulated, how do we show excitement? Man, I don’t know. I’m not on the board of directors. I don’t even have a backstage pass.

BeachGrit: Who’s the best surfer in the world? 

PK: Filipe is in the best surfer in the world, hands down. Everybody, everybody, admits that Filipe is the best, most exciting surfer in the world. He does a move and everyone’s jaw is down. Slater, John John, everyone knows it. He’s not the best in Tahiti, or big Fiji, or Pipe, yet, but he’s a kid and he’ll get better. He’s Brazilian so he’s crazy.

BeachGrit: You preach to the converted. I wrote a story a week or so back about Adriano, the pool, the shark, all conspiring to wipe Filipe’s three-event win season from our minds…

PK: He made everyone look ridiculous. No one had an answer. You know what I like? He claims tens. He doesn’t claim sixes. Everybody in the world can claim between nine-five and a ten. With all that stress, that’s cool. But begging for a six-five is a joke.

I think a combo of the smartest and best surfer pick would be Julian Wilson. He’s just that good in all-sized waves. I just don’t think he likes these world titles getting away from him. I feel like he let this year slip away. He probably should’ve been real close to wining that world title.

BeachGrit: What does it take to win a world title? 

PK: You can’t win without being competitive. It doesn’t accidentally happen. Adriano, he’s not afraid to get into people’s faces. Mick, Julian, Kelly. These are guys who are not ashamed to win. John John seems like he doesn’t want to offend anyone. He cruises around and when he surfs a heat looks like a freesurfer paddled into the area. You can almost hear the commentators say, “Hey freesurfer, you’re great, but get out of the contest area.”

BeachGrit: John John and a world title? A dream? 

PK: (Deep sigh) If I was reading one of those old Derek Hynd analysis in Surfer magazine, for world title, I’d say No Chance. Now, from my viewpoint, I give him a slight chance because he’s that good you can’t say no. John John should start travelling with Filipe.

BeachGrit: Are they good pals? 

PK: Totally. Filipe is the only person he took to be in his movie. He love love loves Filipe. Everyone loves Filipe.

BeachGrit: Is he an easy-to-love kinda guy? 

PK: Yeah, and the family’s amazing. So cool. The dad is completely wild and hilarious. They’re like a travelling circus. There’s twenty-seven of them! (Pause) No, but it feels like it.

Why do we have to listen to Ross Williams second-guess a score? Can we remove the middle man? How did they arrive at the decision? Do we have to hear Pottz or Ross say it was an eight five, they get a seven, and no one knows why? Can’t we just ask ‘em?

BeachGrit: How about the current state of the WSL?

PK: It’s the biggest it’s ever been globally. It’s an interesting time. These guys have a business to run with millions and millions of dollars. They’ve gotta get it right. They genuinely want to get it right. There’s nothing evil and they’re not trying to trick the public. The judges froth to surf, those guys are out there every morning, everyone’s a fan of surfing. There’s no malice. But we all pull our hair out when we see a bad decision. What can we do about it?

BeachGrit: An independent ombudsman, maybe? 

PK: Maybe the tour guys could have an app and if a decision is heinous, they can text a red dot. A red flag. If there’s enough, let’s say 17 dots, the decision gets looked at. And why can’t we listen to the judges themselves? Why do we have to listen to Ross Williams second-guess a score? Can we remove the middle man? How did they arrive at the decision? Do we have to hear Pottz or Ross say it was an eight five, they get a seven, and no one knows why? Can’t we just ask ‘em?

BeachGrit: My experience with (head judge) Rich Porta has been delightful. He’d happily explain… anything. 

Earlier in the year, earlier in the year, the judges told Kolohe airs wouldn’t be counted unless they were ridden out of perfectly. Everyone I was sitting with watching Gabriel shook their heads and could not believe he got the score. He fell down, he triple claimed. It was pathetic. It was… pathetic… that he got that score

PK: Richie is so gnarly, dude. If he wasn’t that confident, that mentally tough, he would’ve killed himself by now. He doesn’t care what you think. He loves it. Put a normal human being in that job and he’s dead…

BeachGrit: Let’s talk about Gabriel’s six-five at Pipe a little. I saw a rotation and then some, the score fitted, as it was more dazzling than another two-second, four-foot tube. 

PK: Okay, earlier in the year, the judges told Kolohe airs wouldn’t be counted unless they were ridden out of perfectly. Everyone I was sitting with watching Gabriel shook their heads and could not believe he got the score. He fell down, he triple claimed. It was pathetic. It was… pathetic… that he got that score. Someone debating about the score on text, though, was Shane Dorian. He said it was a radical move and definitely the score. Now, get Rich Porta in the booth and explain why he got a six-five. At the end of the day, go through controversial heats with Ronnie Blakey saying to Richie, “Three heavy results today. Come down and talk about it. Prove your point to me on TV.” We need to have an honest and open understanding of what’s going on.

BeachGrit: What’s your take on Gabriel, forgettable first half, sizzling second? 

PK: He’s the forgotten story. He’s been riding an SUP all year, pretty much. His surfboards are 23 inches wide and four inches thick. I could literally stand-up paddle those things. He’s unstoppable on ‘em. He’s probably got 36 litres under him. The biggest things I’ve ever seen. He’s got big thick legs. Legs like an elephant. Jordy’s legs and David Beckham’s torso. They’re contest machines. They come pre-stickered, all those stickers are laminates. He’s not wasting his time putting stickers on boards. His act is… tight.

BeachGrit: What do you think of  Kelly’s pool?

PK: It’s incredible and I hope to get there soon. But it’s just a test facility, which is lost on a lot of people. It’s not what he’s building. It’s not for everyone to come and surf. It was just some cheap land to test everything out. From what I know, it’s not a secret. He’s been trying to build it for ten years. He wanted everyone in the industry to come in on it but no one wanted to. I bet they feel stupid now. That’s probably a ten billion dollar idea. I just want to get a job as a lifeguard at one. He told me we’re going to the pool  in February. But you know Kelly. He’ll tell people he’ll bring them to Fiji, tell ‘em he’s not going, then call ‘em from Fiji to tell ‘em how good it is.

BeachGrit: What’s gonna happen on the tour this year? 

PK: Kelly Slater’s going to win the world title, Julian Wilson too. Contradictory? Yeah, but I’m covering bases.


Blood Feud: Albee Layer vs 72 heroes!

Maui's second favorite son (after Laird Hamilton) gets ready to rumble!

Do you love Albee Layer? I do. I think surfing needs a lot more hims. He surfs very big waves well, second to Billy Kemper in that world famous Jaws event just a few months back and small waves very well too. Flips and things! More importantly, maybe though, he has a sense of humor.

Three days ago he posted a picture of Jaws from the cliff with the caption:

80 heroes out there maybe 8 good surfers couple 15 foot waves almost no barrels, in case anyone wanted a report. It’s like watching a girl u love get f**ked by a bunch of animals… (smiley face)

And how good is that? How funny? How perfectly succinct? A few of the 72 heroes did not like. @justindirico wrote, “Oh didn’t know you owned the wave. Fucking tool.” @josh_pcpc_prosser wrote, “Fuck your a tosser.” And @tristan_rucynski wrote, “My name is Albee. I own this space of water. I am bitter always. I am God himself reborn.” But he is not! His name is Tristan Rucynski and he is not very funny!

The support Albee got far outweighed the rage. Kala Alexander, Dingo Morrison, Jojo Roper, Coco Ho, Mark Matthews,  etc. etc. all gave many laughs and fist bumping emoticons. And it would seem that Albee won the blood feud so handily that it shouldn’t even be called one. A good blood feud surprises, though, so let’s wait and see if the 72 heroes can regroup and somehow pounce.

What joy!

 


"There's a ton of groupies that had their panties up their ass over it. The wave is small, not like I roasted him at 10-foot Pipe," says goofyfooter Chucky, the surfer on the outside of Dane Reynolds.

“Barneys Act Like I Spat on Dane’s Baby!”

What it feels like to burn Dane Reynolds at Seaspit, Santa Babs… 

Oh, there’s been a ton of waves in California, dazzling outstandingly beautiful waves. Do you like the sessions filmed at Sandspit, that lil drainer next to Santa Babs harbour that was formed in 1929 when the breakwall was built?

If you watch this clip (by the fabulous norwell9) below you will see it in undeniable form.

Even better, at the one-and-a-half-minute mark, you’ll see a goofyfooter drop out of the lip onto Dane Reynolds. It is a game of the cat versus the mouse, Reynolds stiffening his muscles as the surfer completes his drop-in, and later waving his arms in protest.

I could care less but random barneys act like I fucked his chick and spit on his baby or something…just a minor little head high grinder…he got plenty better waves than this that day. Should’ve seen the other things that happened out there…way gnarlier. Even saw a bodyboarder and another pro roast Bobby on a real set wave…now that’s heavy.

Do you wonder who the surfer is? Do you wonder of the circumstances?

Let’s ask Chucky aka the_rig, whom I engaged on Instagram.

“Yeah it was a great moment it ‘s even better that I blew it after…I love it. I have an epic photo of it…and I have no business pigdogging small waves shoulda surfed somewhere better without 100+ guys out. The glare was super bad looking up the point, some guy yelled “go”, he knew I didn’t see him and he got over it and stopped crying pretty quick…there’s a ton of groupies that had their panties up their ass over it…the wave is small not like I roasted him at 10ft pipe…I could care less but random barneys act like I fucked his chick and spit on his baby or something…just a minor little head high grinder…he got plenty better waves than this that day. Should’ve seen the other things that happened out there…way gnarlier. Even saw a bodyboarder and another pro roast Bobby on a real set wave…now that’s heavy. Hey…at least I’m not Sean Penn hahahahaha.”

It’s a brilliant story. Do you have more?

“Some people love it, some hate it, and it’s El Niño so everyone that actually surfs has been getting good waves all week and forgot about it instead of looking at the Internet all day. I just happened to notice it between absolutely scoring today. Dane’s cool he’s probably had more than a few good laughs since…super minor.”

Did Dane remark on the event?

“He was snapped, just like anyone in the world would be initially…but when we squashed it 30 seconds later he knew it wasn’t intentional and was cool…said it was all good and no worries. I surfed for 2 more hours.”


Rocky Cannon and Kaipo Guerrero are back spitting fire into the mic. The only thing funnier than what they're saying is how angry some of it is making the uppity online haole types.

Live: Da Hui Backdoor Shootout!

With commentators spitting fire into the mic!

The second day of the 2016 Da Hui Backdoor Shootout is ON!

The surf is pumping, the boys are ripping, Rocky Cannon and Kaipo Guerrero are back spitting fire into the mic.  The only thing funnier than what they’re saying is how angry some of it is making the uppity online haole types.

There’ve been some beautiful moments already, with Mason Ho throwing down an insane cross-step floater and air droppng into two inches of water at Backdoor during the first heat, and Makua Rothman taking an asshole puckering ride over the falls backwards during the second.

Fuck your job, tune in and enjoy.