A day in the life of Laird Hamilton!

Derek Rielly

By

A rollicking fourteen hours of exercise and the demolition of eight fish at lunch!

Do you, like me, wake up every morning and ask yourself every morning, what shall I do? Do you stroll into the kitchen, throw the coffee pot on, paw at a few boxes of cereal on the pantry shelves, and think, what shall I eat? Do you stare at the little tummy that protrudes, at the paltry chest, at the delicate arms, and think, should I exercise?

One man who towers above us all, of course, is the almost fifty-one-year-old Hawaiian Laird Hamilton. His body is enamelled and jewelled. He’s invented everything necessary for riding big waves, taking credit for little, influencing thousands. Salty and big and wonderful.

Therefore, when his website lists, in detail, what he does in the course of a day, a man is compelled to shut up and listen.

Let’s examine.

5:50 A.M. – Hydrate
Laird has recently been drinking a giant glass of water to start the day, and to get the pipes working; mixed with ¼ tsp. of Himalayan salt and fresh squeezed lemon.

6:00 A.M. – Father Daughter Bonding Breakfast; Laird and Brody share a morning smoothie

Brody is an early riser like Laird, while Reece sleeps in a bit longer. Brody loves her morning time all to herself with her Dad. This time of year Laird adds two full scoops of Whey protein for himself (staying warm in the surf burns up to an extra 400 calories an hour), plus adds ½ scoop for each girl. Then mixes in a serving of Greens, as well as a broad concoction of fruits, nuts, and other ingredients to increase the calorie count.

6:15 A.M – ESPRESSO
Laird drinks a cup of his Superfood Coffee and Creamer.

6:30 A.M – Quick Surf Check
Calls to the crew

6:45 A.M. – Barn
Quick commute to his river front work shed – workout barn ‘man cave’.

7:00 A.M. – Gear Check and Load-Up
(jet ski fuel check, rope and radio equipment inspection, board selection, and mount-up)

7:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. – 5 hour morning Foilboard session
(20 or more 2 to 3 minute rides each)

1:30 P.M. – Massive Lunch with the Boys and / or Gabby
Laird’s lunch is usually a major sushi and sashimi chow-down, typically consuming enough food for two grown men. A combination of up to 8 assorted raw fresh fish and vegetable rolls, plus plenty of locally caught Ahi. No bread or pasta, just lots of close-to-the-source local foods, including plenty of fresh fruit and coconut water that is hand-picked and straight from the shell.

2:30 P.M. to 5:00 P.M. – Afternoon Ocean Session
Foilboard session 2, tow-in or afternoon SUP session, (10 or more additional rides per person)

5:00-5:30 P.M – Stretching, Meditation

5:30 P.M. – Sunset River Paddle Board Session
40 minutes or more of high intensity stand-up paddle boarding

6:30 P.M. – Dinner with the family
Gabby cooks almost every night. Always plenty of high quality protein such as very lean steak seasoned with sea salt, served with a variety of vegetables, quinoa, and a big salad.

8:30 P.M. to 9:30 P.M. – Quiet Time
Reading, nightly walk with the kids, Gabby and Laird personal time.

9:35 P.M. – Bed
Laird winds down early to recharge for the next day. He is admit about getting enough sleep 7-8 hours.

“The friends and family who take turns rotating into Kauai throughout the winter months to be a nearby spectator to the daily exploits of Laird and his co-extreme big wave surfers, get to momentarily immerse themselves in this high-energy and high-risk routine. Better yet, a few brave souls even get to occasionally join in. But to maintain the pace of a big wave surfer day-in and day-out requires significant prior conditioning and discipline. So when you start to feel like maybe your 60 to 90 minutes of physical activity a day is a bit tiring, remember, Laird and team get that much exercise in by 9 A.M, just as a warm-up to 8 hours more of intense physical activity.”

How does that grab you? Are you compelled to shape your life accordingly?

And do you like the humiliation of the final paragraph (“When you start to feel like maybe your 60 to 90 minutes of physical activity a day is a bit tiring, remember, Laird and team get that much exercise in by 9 A.M)? 

 

 

Real Talk: JJF is past his prime!

Chas Smith

By

John John Florence suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!

How cruel is this surfing world? One minute you are the past, present and future all rolled into one. The next you are a punching bag in lowly comment sections. “What the hell happened to John John?” the people type. “And Dane Reynolds is fat.”

I don’t actually know if John John Florence is well and truly past his prime. He did not live up to his competitive promise last year that’s for certain but there does seem to be an overwhelming exodus moving away from the once commonly held belief that the beast was the best surfer in the world. I’ve read about how “Mmmmm he can do a couple airs and get barreled but that’s about it…” I’ve also heard people say “He’s ok but Gabby is better.”

Again, true? Honey, there is no such thing. Perception is all that exists in this surfing world. There is no “winning,” no fastest time or highest jump or longest throw. So if the majority of people, or even a very vocal minority, feel John John is spent then he is spent. His fans could go red in the face explaining how technically advanced he is, how magical, how wonderful, but if their entreaties are met with indifference then they have failed.

Pure subjectivity combined with an ever faster spinning globe proves an almost impossible weight to bear. Brother Andino, barely into his 20s, gets described as a has-been. Jordy Smith, still three long years from 30, has been a has-been for the better part of a decade. Kelly Slater is, somehow, the only surfer not governed by the laws of our universe and JJF ain’t no Kelly.

Can he soar again? Most certainly! Our cruelness is only matched by our fickleness. What wonderful traits we all share!

 

Quote of year: KPD officer Brad "Candido testified that Pellegrine was advised not to drive the vehicle in its condition because the airbags had been deployed and the hood of the car was blocking the windshield. When he arrived at the Hanalei substation, Candido testified he saw Pellegrine’s car covered in blood and a blood trail, which he followed. He testified he then heard Pellegrine shouting, 'I only had a couple of pina coladas and I lost my whole (expletive) arm.'"

“World Famous Jumbo Surfer” back in news!

Rory Parker

By

“I only had a couple of pina coladas and I lost my whole (expletive) arm" says Jim Pellegrine… 

Jimbo Pellegrine is out on bail and soon to be winging his way back to California, according to an article in today’s Garden Island.

Let’s read the most entertaining part of the story:

“It took KPD officer Brad Candido 17 minutes to decide he was going to get a mandatory blood draw from Pellegrine, according to his testimony on Tuesday. That’s from the moment he arrived at the Hanalei substation at 6:32 p.m. to the moment he left at 6:49 p.m. to escort Pellegrine’s ambulance to Wilcox Memorial Emergency Room, he testified. Candido testified that, although he did not know if there was alcohol in the glass, Pellegrine appeared to be drinking a pina colada at the Hanalei Dolphin Restaurant. Candido testified that Pellegrine was advised not to drive the vehicle in its condition because the airbags had been deployed and the hood of the car was blocking the windshield. When he arrived at the Hanalei substation, Candido testified he saw Pellegrine’s car covered in blood and a blood trail, which he followed. He testified he then heard Pellegrine shouting, ‘I only had a couple of pina coladas and I lost my whole (expletive) arm.'”

His lawyer won him a minor victory in his ongoing legal struggles, successfully suppressing the results of the blood draw taken without consent or warrant following the accident in December of 2014 that took Pellegrine’s left arm.

When he arrived at the Hanalei substation, Candido testified he saw Pellegrine’s car covered in blood and a blood trail, which he followed. He testified he then heard Pellegrine shouting, ‘I only had a couple of pina coladas and I lost my whole (expletive) arm.’

The ruling come in the wake of the 2014 Hawaii Supreme Court ruling that mandatory blood draws violate our fifth amendment “right to be free of warrant-less searches and seizures is a fundamental guarantee of our constitution” and “consent may not be gained by explicit or implicit coercion, implied threat, or covert force.”

Of course, a warrant could have been obtained, had the arresting officer made the effort. However, his explanation amounts to, “I couldn’t get one in time, even though I didn’t even make an attempt.”

Furthermore, despite the misquote of Missouri v McNeely by The Garden Island, the ruling actually stated that “… the natural dissipation of alcohol in the bloodstream does not constitute an exigency in every case sufficient to justify conducting a blood test without a warrant.” Therefore rendering the prosecutions claims of exigency totally invalid.

This type of legal fumbling has become par for the course in Kauai courts following last year’s departure of 8 of 12 deputy prosecutors over the span of a few months, leading to a rushed hiring of inexperienced attorneys to fill the vacancies.

Unfortunately for Jimbo, this ruling makes little difference in his larger case, beyond proving he has a competent attorney. Hawaii’s DUI laws are notoriously lax, in comparison to places like California, and are classified as petty misdemeanors carrying no penalties beyond minor fines and possible license suspension.

The oft repeated mythical explanation for Hawaii’s more or less inconsequential DUI laws stem from a defendant’s right to a jury trial when facing misdemeanor charges. Supposedly, prior to the weakening of DUI penalties, the courts were clogged with DUI cases, cases in which local juries are typically unwilling to convict. Because everyone drives drunk out here, it’s a small place, and no one wants to see their family members go to jail. It’s always a been a bit mind-boggling to me, but I come from California, a place with insanely tough penalties, and was well indoctrinated with the idea that driving wasted is a very bad thing.

Jimbo’s not out of the woods yet. He still faces felony terroristic threatening charges due to his ambulance freak out on the way to the hospital. A freak-out which, according to an anonymous source, continued into the emergency room where he let loose on the attending nurses. The nurses declined to press charges, as dealing with that type of behavior is more or less part and parcel of working the late night ER.

Jimbo is currently out on $25,000 bail, and will be returning to the mainland for a few weeks before he returns to court on March 28.

In lighter Kauai court room news, here’s an amusing appearance by a resident transplant Kingdom of Atooi activist, Stick Man. He has a real name, but I don’t know it.  Last time I saw the guy he was shaking that stick at the ocean and chanting nonsense. More or less a harmless kook, I enjoy the headache he causes for our local prosecutors ever so much!
Unfortunately for Stick Man, he made a legal miscalculation last week while trying to place Sara McNamee, the prosecuting attorney on the left, under citizen’s arrest for unspecified charges, then blocked her path as she tried to leave.
Which is unlawful imprisonment, and was a very bad idea.
What Youth
How much do you love a public blood feud? Do you love What Youth's universal contempt for mainstream surf?

Blood Feud: What Youth v Surfer!

Derek Rielly

By

And Surfing, too! Come read What Youth's universal contempt for everyone!

Oh happy day! The sun is shining and the birds are singing.

What about the blood, you ask? Oh it is gloriously feuding!

Surfer magazine, the grand ol’ dame, most notable today for stealing artwork from others, posted a nondescript photograph of the surfer Asher Pacey on their Instagram account. Surfer‘s one million and one hundred thousand followers rewarded the image with twenty thousand likes.

You are the “Bible of the sport,” and have a storied legacy of editors and photographers who are probably shitting themselves at seeing this. Please, we all deserve better from you. Surfers, editors, photographers, followers. This is our lives and just because you’re trying to appease a mil worth of followers, remember when you post something like this you make us all look like kooks. So please, stop it.
Sincerely, What Youth ❤️ PS: And for God’s sake people, stop “liking” this shit.”

What Youth, the magazine started five years ago by former Surfing editor Travis Ferré, among others, was enraged by this photo, reposted a screen grab, and publicly labelled it as a shameful abuse of Surfer‘s position as the “Bible of the sport.”

Let’s examine.

“Dear @surfer_magazine,
@asher_pacey and your million+ followers deserve better than this photo and caption. You are the “Bible of the sport,” and have a storied legacy of editors and photographers who are probably shitting themselves at seeing this. Please, we all deserve better from you. Surfers, editors, photographers, followers. This is our lives and just because you’re trying to appease a mil worth of followers, remember when you post something like this you make us all look like kooks. So please, stop it.
Sincerely, What Youth ❤️ PS: And for God’s sake people, stop “liking” this shit.”

Apart from the earnestness of “this is our lives etc”, I like the way Travis isn’t afraid to spit a basinful of blood at Surfer. Who has passion like this? Who else cares enough to do such a thing? I run out of energy just liking photos.

Australian minnows Surfing Life, joined the feud. The editor, Wade Gravy, wrote:

wade gravy Meow! 🐯 That’s the lamest tirade on the internet today. “This is our lives”. Wait, what? I’d hate to be working at @surfer_magazine or @surfingmagazine having to endure this barrage of wet-fish slap downs. Was this attempt at feud starting a decision made by the team, or the petulant elitism of one intern? Whatever it is, it sucks the most, but probably has the more pugnacious of your teenage fanboys busting with rigidity, hoping that by jumping into your corner might get them an invite to your next circle jerk. Focus on doing you and get that right, before you expend the effort required to rag on someone else.

But What Youth wasn’t finished! Now Surfing was in their sites! 

What Youth
What Youth’s contempt grows fiercer, this time at the magazine it decapitated five years ago!

Do you like What Youth‘s role as self-appointed guardians of surfing’s credibility?

Are you part of their radical class (What Youth) or do you see yourself more on the docile, pious side of the game (Surfer, Surfing etc)?

 

“Riding rollers to the big Kahuna-ville!”

Chas Smith

By

Is this the worst depiction of surfing ever?

This Sunday is the Super Bowl and will you watch? For those unawares, the Bronocs from Denver are taking on the Panthers from the Carolinas and it is going to be a total dog, I think. But it won’t really matter because Americans tune in to the Super Bowl religiously.

It is why the National Football League is so extraordinarily powerful. The compulsion to view outweighs almost every good reason not to and so, either purposefully or accidentally, either in rooms crowded with party attenders or lonesome studios, it will be on.

And of course you know that WSL CEO Paul Speaker came from the NFL. He was the Director of Marketing and Ideas. I wonder if he came up with this one?

Which begs the question. Is this the worst depiction of surfing ever?

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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