Minutes after I poke at his surfboards! This one's
for you Nick Carroll! It's a trilogy!
I pressed publish on BeachGrit’s newest feature
Real Talk not ten minutes before Kelly Slater won the Pipeline Pro
a banana surfboard beating Jamie O’Brien, Bruce Irons and a
gorgeous little McNamara.
Real Talk talks real and I had written that Slater Designs
surfboard are very ugly and they make me not want to surf them and
they are poor. And then Kelly Slater won, surfing like a demigod,
top turning like Tom Carroll.
Nick Carroll wrote:
Real Talk: That’s about enough Kelly for a while. I mean
fucken hell, just this week you’ve had him saving a (non) doomed
family, going on about 9/11, and lying next to his wacky quiver for
the second time in a row. How much attention does he need?
and then:
Christ now there will be another KS feature won’t there. at
least this time it’ll be about his surfing.
Nick Carroll is right! Kelly Slater won and won convincingly and
won smoothly and won in my face. Such Kelly style. A master of
rubbing a man’s nose in his own excrement. But I still don’t want
to ride one of them. Do you? Really? Do you really?
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Real Talk: Slater Designs look awful!
By Chas Smith
Let's be honest. Just for once. Or maybe even
twice!
I will tell you firsthand. The surf industry
loves more than anything to pat a back whilst, at the same instant,
gossiping feverishly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done the
same. Written glowingly about something I just, minutes before,
gagged over. I’ve done it so many times, in fact, that I forget
when I loathe and when I love. Which is why BeachGrit‘s
newest feature Real Talk is so imperative. We, for the first time
ever, are going to call it like we see it. Maybe we’ll be totally
wrong but we’ll, at least, be totally honest and dignity may, in
some distant future, come crawling back through the door!
Our first offering is Kelly Slater’s new surfboards.
Surfing magazine wrote glowingly about them many weeks ago and Stab,
as is its wont, just reprinted the same review today. I’m sure I’ve said they look
sick to someone but I lied! Study them! I am no shaper, no surf
design expert, but every time I see a picture of one of those
boards I think, “UGH!” I think “My surfing would be set back 15
years!” I look at the weird Tomo one and think. “No. I’d embarrass
myself badly both through the parking lot and on the wave.” I look
at the one that has multi steps in the tail and think, “Why the
hell does that board look like that?” I look at the one that is
maybe supposed to be the high performance shortboard and think, “I
don’t need any more potassium in my diet.”
I see many boards that make me want to grab their besotted rails
straight away and dance them through a ten point wrap-around carve.
I see Slater Designs and think, “If those were the last boards on
earth I’d quit.”
But why? What about them disgusts? I don’t quite know. Something
visceral for me, maybe, combined with Kelly’s boggy-turned World
Tour effort last year. I reached out for expert advice from one of
the world’s best shapers but was rebuffed. “I am not going to get
suckered into any of that type of stuff right now. The boards
are a bit out there, but if he proves successful on them, opinions
may change…” he said. But I will say right now. UGH!
Now that’s real talk. Do you disagree? Are you dying to spend
dollars on a banana? Are you begging to surf just like you did in
the early 1990s?
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Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs The Cabal!
By Chas Smith
Kelly Slater talks politics, Ralph Nader and
conspiracy!
Last night was the official grand opening of
the United States of America’s 2016 presidential election. The Iowa
Caucus! And if you are not from the US/don’t understand what a
“caucus” is that’s ok! Nobody does! Quite basically, both Democrats
and Republicans go state by state winnowing their fields to get
down to one candidate each and then those candidates bash into the
general election and voila! A president!
I was glued to the television all night watching the returns.
Politics is a fascinating game. I love each and every nuance, each
and every turn of that damning page. Will Bernie Sanders smash the
Clinton powerhouse? How far will Donald J Trump ride a wave of
populist rage? Can Ted Cruz tuck any more smug into his cellulite?
All of it. Every jot.
Of course the country should have something bigger/better/funner
than a simple two-party system but it don’t, much to Kelly Slater’s
chagrin. Listen to the man talk politics here and also about the
global cabal! Do you agree with him? Do you agree with his nod
toward a broad conspiracy? Would you vote for his presidency? Since
he is not running, though, who would you vote for? Are you a Marco
Rubio gal? Do those ears stir your loins?
Nine-11 was a Zionist-CIA conspiracy! By Rory
Parker.
It is great to watch Kelly talk politics but my favorite part of
the clip is when his interviewer tells Travis Lee (I presume),
“We’re in Hawaii. You can do what you want. It’s a free place.
That’s what I love about this place here. It’s kind of very easy
going.”
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The noted writer Matt Warshaw, crown-fringe and dancing
hands at left, and the sizzling big-wave stud Brock Little, circa
1998.
Warshaw on Little: “He’s
indestructible!”
By Derek Rielly
The noted writer Matt Warshaw on the dazzling
legacy of Brock Little.
There’s a lot of folks coming to terms with
Hawaiian Brock Little’s illness. One of ’em is the surf historian,
and one of the more underrated writers in the game, San Francisco’s
Matt Warshaw.
BeachGrit:I’m pretty numb to people I
don’t know getting cancer, dying etc, but for some reason hearing
that it was Brock, the ultimate big-wave stud, shook me. Why do you
think that is?
Matt Warshaw: The Instagram photo, maybe? I found out he was
sick three or four weeks ago, but when I saw the picture yesterday
it just buckled me. The shock of the photo, then Brock saying “I
have cancer, it sucks,” which is such a total Brock thing to say.
So the two things together, the awful photo and the totally normal
voice . . .
When he rode for Gotcha in the ‘80s, he’s drive up at my house
in San Clemente and pull two huge cardboard boxes of free gear from
the back seat, dump it all in a huge pile and just crack up, all
these free clothes when he just cruised around all day in trunks
and no shirt. Michael Tomson was a fuckin god back then, terrifying
and all-powerful, and Brock would come back from a meeting with
Michael and do this wicked imitation of him and all his kowtowing
minions, and it was just blasphemy.
Yeah, agreed. But it’s more than that…
He was indestructible for all those years.
More than that.
He laughs at everything. How serious all the big-wave guys are.
The idea of getting a paycheck for surfing. All the bullshit surf
industry politics. He laughs at it and loves it at the same time,
which is the perfect attitude. Brock loves being part of it all,
lives for gossip, puts himself in the middle of everything. Then
he’ll step outside of it and make fun of it all. When he rode for
Gotcha in the ‘80s, he’s drive up at my house in San Clemente and
pull two huge cardboard boxes of free gear from the back seat, dump
it all in a huge pile and just crack up, all these free clothes
when he just cruised around all day in trunks and no shirt. Michael
Tomson was a fucking god back then, terrifying and all-powerful,
and Brock would come back from a meeting with Michael and do this
wicked imitation of him and all his kowtowing minions, and it was
just blasphemy. And hilarious. But anyway, for some reason, apart
from him being a friend, the idea of a guy with that perfect of an
attitude getting cut down by cancer just seems especially cruel and
wrong.
Years back, I was doing these ads for Surfing Life where
I’d get famous surfers to talk about why they read the mag. You
know, I read ASL because… Brock said, “because it
doesn’t take surfing seriously.” Ever since, I felt he rode a
similar wavelength and I’ve based my career on that
quote…
That’s it exactly.
The idea of a guy with that perfect of an attitude getting cut
down by cancer just seems especially cruel and wrong.
And so damn good looking. The sorta guy I’d keep real
far away from my gal. A little busted, a brutal handsome
edge.
After Chas did that little piece for you about Balaram
Stack and Christie Brinkley, I followed with a 10 Most Glam couples involving a
surfer. Brock and Kate Bosworth came in #8. She flew
to Hawaii to do Blue
Crush and the producers handed her off to
Brock to show her the island, teach her a little about surfing, and
he got the gig was he was the “responsible” surfer on the set,
right? She was like 19 at the time. Look at the two of them! Brock
said they kept it platonic for a couple of weeks. I cannot imagine
the willpower involved. The pheromones just filling the air. They
should have bred. The word would be a better and better-looking
place.
Brock Little and Blue Crush star Kate
Bosworth.
And you know, while yeah, women threw themselves at Brock, he
also had the worst luck with love. Heartbroken more often then not,
which is how we bonded in the first place. For 10 or 15 years, one
of us or both of us was needing to spill guts about the latest love
disaster. The night of the 1990 Eddie, when he got second, he
called me and spent like 10 minutes on the contest, then sighed and
got to the real point of the call, which was that his recent
ex-girlfriend was dating a lifeguard. He always wanted to be
married, and he always wanted to start a family, from way
back.
Do you remember when baggy was beautiful? Matt
Warshaw, three sizes too big, at left, and Brock Little, in
oversized cord and shearling, right.
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Opinion: Decide the world title at
Jaws?
By Rory Parker
Who would struggle and fail? Who would die?
The hardest part of pumping out a constant flow of words
about surfing is coming up with ideas to write about.
There are periods when it feels like there’s nothing to say,
beyond, “Hey, check out this radical three minute web clip.”
And I can only take serving up so much pablum before I get bored
with what I’m doing, and if I’m not enjoying writing there’s really
no point. There definitely ain’t much money.
Like, Mick’s getting divorced. Ugh, such a non-story. If it were
contentious, if he was whomping on her or she were claiming he
brought home the clap after after some filthy top ten group
grope-and-poke, then right on, let’s go full media feeding
frenzy.
Should the world title be decided at Jaws? Of course not,
that’d be a terrible idea. Getting A+ quality swell for big wave
events is more difficult than herding cats, and the vast majority
of the ‘CT would just struggle and fail. Maybe die, more likely
dodge sets and basically waste a million quality waves.
But normal divorces are boring, and kind of sad. Absolute terror
if you’re the primary breadwinner. Or so I assume. I’m not
too worried about a divorce in my future, the wife and I have been
together since we were kids, got no pre-nup, and I’ve made it very
clear I’d expect her to keep me in the lifestyle to which I’ve
become accustomed. I feel I am due, nay, am entitled to,
half. If the missus thinks she’d be getting an
amicable dissolution she doesn’t know me at all. God bless gender
equality.
When it’s slow, and I’m struggling, Derek’ll gift me a little
prompt and that’s usually enough to spark some inspirado. Because
there’s always something to write about, and a good
suggestion is enough to get the words flowing. I don’t think the
actual act of writing is that difficult, especially considering the
relatively low standard to which the surf media is held.
Like juggling, once you’ve got the knack it’s easy to keep
things moving. And once you get me started I’ll happily blather on
for hours.
Today’s suggestion was, “Should the world title be decided at
Jaws?”
Of course not, that’d be a terrible idea. Getting A+ quality
swell for big wave events is more difficult than herding cats, and
the vast majority of the ‘CT would just struggle and fail. Maybe
die, more likely dodge sets and basically waste a million quality
waves.
I’ll admit that watching the beachbreak killer contingent endure
white knuckle heats could be entertaining, but not enough to fill
24-ish hours of webcast.
I do think that the tour could benefit from
including at least one deep water power wave. Something that
requires thick, seven-foot plus, sleds. Holds you down, beats your
ass, leaves you wrecked and ruined on the inside gasping for air
staring down a looming set.
Sunset is an obvious choice. The spot has a legacy, already got
the permits and infrastructure in place. Seeding 44 guys into the
HIC Pro would be relatively easy, and it’s a consistent enough wave
to count on.
I’ll admit it’s an often boring event, but it manages to produce
at a few moments of brilliance every year. And while it doesn’t
make for great video it does produce killer stills. And injecting a
bit of the ol’ waterman spirit back into the tour would be
nice.
Although, man, the word waterman…
Talk about taking a good term and marketing it into the ground.
Always something to aspire to be, but not a label you get to bestow
on yourself. You know, you spend a lifetime learning to surf,
paddle, dive, fish, play in a swirly wet hell that’ll kill you
without caring.
Then other people call you a waterman, you downplay your
ability, but smile inside because it means you’ve accomplished
something. Something that’s kind of narcissistic and comes at a
heavy price and doesn’t really make you a better person or more
successful at real life, but is still worth feeling proud about.
Like owning a big thick cock, if it’s true you don’t need to talk
about it.
I blame the SUP crowd.
They’re the ones who emblazoned the term on every epoxy import
piece of shit they could get their hands on, silk screened it on
t-shirts they flipped for $50 a pop to
spare-tired-middle-life-crisis cases looking to sweep their way
into a lifestyle that’s slightly less meaningless than however they
wasted the last few decades.
