...falls on his face, wakes up and says, "Thank God
I'm not in Brazil!"
Everyone ismad at Rio! I
wrote this morning that it was nice to see the pros surf waves that
I wouldn’t even but Rory
Parker slammed so me hard I can’t get up!
He is very right!
Nobody wants to see Roger Federer play cracked cement’d net-less
tennis!
But don’t you want to know what Kelly Slater has been doing
while Kolohe Andino gets Zika?
Passing out!
He posted a video on his Instagram feed of himself doing a faceplant
doing a yoga class but not just any yoga class. A Wim Hof yoga
class! Do you not know who Wim Hof is? Vice says:
Wim
Hof first caught the attention of scientists when he
proved he was able to stay submerged in ice for one hour and 53
minutes without his core body temperature changing. Since then,
he’s climbed Mount Everest in his shorts, resisted altitude
sickness, completed a marathon in the Namibian Desert with no
water, and proven—under a laboratory setting—that he’s able to
influence his autonomic nervous system and immune system at
will.
And Kelly says:
When you’re doing a breathing class with #WimHof on
#FridayThe13th under a #NewMoon and Mercury is heavily in
#Retrograde and you pass out and fall on your face, start dreaming
and wake up wondering where tf you are and why does your face feel
like you just got tackled on the football field and somebody was
filming it all…but you think it’s funny. (Smiley)
Amazing. And there is Kelly getting his anti-age/weird/# on
while the rest of his tour mates are in Brazil. Still. I am so
fascinated by that country’s wild geo-political thing that I’d
rather be there than on Mt. Everest naked. Have you seen the movie
Everest? Brutal. And actually, I wouldn’t be on whatever
beach the contest is at but in Brasilia trying to figure out what
Dilma’s next play is.
Gabriel Medina's back-flip enlivened round two, thrown
into little one-turn beachbreak waves. | Photo: WSL
Round Two: Oi Rio Pro!
By Rory Parker
Should Wimbledon take place on cracked public
concrete?
Wake up, check my email, Rio ran.
Good, great, grand! Clicked on the analyzer, surf looks kind of
fun. I’d paddle out. In those conditions. Not in Rio, where
everyone agrees the water is poison.
Well, not everyone. Only scientists and competitors and locals.
People looking to earn a buck, the WSL/IOC, they say it’s fine.
Don’t worry. You’re far more likely to die from stray gunfire
between heats than some crazy waterborne illness.
And, you know, say a pro catches some mystery bug that ruins his
body, makes his cock rot off? They’d probably name it after him.
That’d be neat.
“I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve got a bad case of
Desouzitis.”
“But that is my name, Doctor!”
“I know. I just made it up. Kind of cool, right? Also, your dick
is gonna fall off.”
Maybe that’s a bit over the top. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.
I just drive around in a van offering free pap smears. Never
actually claim to possess medical training. Not my fault if women
assume.
Watched Adriano three tap the first wave of the day for a 6.33.
Mel calling it from behind the mic.
“Exciting, electric, fast, crisp. All of those adjectives that
describe the type of surfing we see from Adriano. No mistakes
whatsoever there. Gets three maneuvers done, I think that’s a great
way to start.”
Okay, so that’s how it’s gonna go. The Condor drew turd
polishing duty. Term’s never been more literal.
“This is the kind of thing, you know, you would find at your
home beach. Right? That’s the kind of wave here. And that’s why it
belongs on the tour. I beat on this a lot. I apologize for all you
folks in there, you know? Because there’s a lot of people who feel
like Brazil shouldn’t be here. But I believe, truly, that this is a
part of the year where you get to see what these world’s best would
do on a beach break that you have around your house. Right? You’re
not gonna have Fiji draining, you’re not gonna have Tahiti in your
backyard, you’re not gonna have all, uh, all of these other breaks.
You know, J Bay. But you will have something similar to this.”
Good rhetoric. Solid talking point to trot out when the surf
sucks. Unfortunate reality of competitive surfing. Waves come or
they don’t. Always a chance a stop’ll get skunked.
But, you know, it’s not exactly something to go looking for. If
surfing is a real sport, and I guess we’re pretending it is, if the
surfers are the best in the world, which I think we can agree that
they mostly are, dropping them into the mundane reality of the
everyman’s life don’t make much sense.
Should Wimbledon take place on cracked public concrete? Would
the NFL ever schedule playoff games at terribly maintained high
school fields? Would NBA players be willing to risk their joints on
wobbly asphalt? Stake their careers on net-less tilted rims?
Of course not. Because no one wants to see the world’s best
compete in average conditions. And the WSL knows that. If they
didn’t they’d put far more effort into broadcasting the ‘QS.
Pretending Brazil is ideal, that we tune in for some sort of
how-to-surf-slop tutorial is damn disingenuous. We want to see the
fantasy. World’s best in the world’s best.
I think we all understand the economic aspirations inherent in
the Brazilian leg. Rio’s presence on tour has nothing to do with
providing entertaining viewing. Efforts to convince the public
otherwise shows just how stupid the WSL thinks we are. Or how
little they care whether we like what we see.
Maybe they just think we’ll keep tuning in, regardless of what’s
on offer. All the talk is targeted at the non-surfers supposedly
watching. Make them think it’s exciting, then it is!
That approach could work, it’s not like they know what they’re
looking at. Tested the concept on my wife, the only non-surfer
within arm’s reach. Showed her Medina’s ten. Asked what she
thought.
“That just looks like one of those whoopity-doos they all do. Is
that like technical, or something I’m not aware of?”
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.00 def. Bino Lopes (BRA) 4.96
Heat 2: Deivid Silva (BRA) 14.73 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
14.50
Heat 3: Dusty Payne (HAW) 13.93 def. Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.34
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 19.40 def. Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 7.90
Heat 5: Jack Freestone (AUS) 14.57 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
11.77
Heat 6: Matt Banting (AUS) 14.76 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.66
Heat 7: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.33 def. Keanu Asing (HAW)
11.86
Heat 8: Caio Ibelli (BRA) 10.73 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 10.27
Heat 9: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 13.30 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 11.73
Heat 10: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 14.17 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
11.44
Heat 11: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 15.33 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.27
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.50 def. Conner Coffin (USA)
11.74
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Round 3 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 3: Nat Young (USA) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 4: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 5: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) vs. Davey Cathels (AUS)
Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Lucas Silveira (BRA)
Heat 7: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Marco Fernandez (BRA)
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 9: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 10: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Jack Freestone (HAW)
Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
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Just in: The pros are better than you!
By Chas Smith
At surfing! Maybe other things too!
It is very early morning but not too early for
the Rio Pro! Due the magic of technology, I am watching Gab Medina,
Matt Banting and Keanu Asing? (it being so early and difficult for
my eyes to see things under two feet tall) smash, crash and bash an
under two foot lip.
Fly? Yeah. They’re doing that too.
And I totally get the complaints that are sure to rain down upon
the World Surf League today. It sounds completely and utterly
silly, for instance, for the commentators to discuss Kolohe’s
“extremely technical surfing” when his is, quite literally, bent in
half trying to push a miniature water lump but God bless them all!
They only know one speed and that is hyperbole to the max!
What I am really enjoying is watching the pros smoke a wave that
I would think twice about surfing. I would wander over to the
fence, peer down upon it and think……..ummmmmm. But the pros! Can
they surf anything? Anything at all? Gabs really did do some
wonderful airs. I think Jack Freestone did something to his hair.
Seabass. All I would have done, had I paddled out, is bog rail
and pull into a closeout tube. I mind surf the gorgeous waves on
tour, the Pipelines and Whatnots and think, “Yeah, I could surf ok
if I was out with only one other man…” but watching that one other
man surf trash makes me realize how much better the pros are
than all of us. Me for sure but also you.
Also, what is a skateboarding track and how about that new
Turtle Bay ad? 2006 techno!
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Could you see a similar image appearing in a surfing
magazine? Oh King of the Road!
Parker: Skate vs Surf!
By Rory Parker
Imagine a surf version of King of the Road? Would
lame describe it?
Thrasher is a skateboarding
institution.King of the Road is a damn amusing
scavenger hunt competition that’s been running for somewhere around
a decade.
The concept is pretty simple. Challenges are written up, a
couple different skate teams travel around in vans earning points
for completing them. Winners get a cover, maybe some money too.
Good fun in the hands of skaters. I’d love to see a surfy take
on it. Mainly because it’d be the lamest thing on earth. No “piss
your pants in public” challenges. More like “do some sit-ups while
eating an acai bowl.”
This year Thrasher decided to try and make some money
off the deal. Partnered with Vice Media, gave them first crack at
running it.
Because it’s Vice,
which used to maybe be kind of cool, but definitely isn’t
anymore, they’re making a cash grab. New episodes are
free for a moment, then you’ve gotta use your cable subscription to
log in. Gotta be a US provider. They go up later on the
Thrasher site but are apparently blocked outside the good
ol’ US of A. And aren’t the full episodes anyway.
Or so the internet comments lead me to believe. Either way, it’s
not too big of a deal. They’re up on some torrent sites if you know
where to look. Or you can use a proxy. Always options for bypassing
regional restrictions, or just straight up “stealing.”
The first two episodes are up and worth a watch. Funny, great
skating. Andy Roy is present, which is entertaining.
If you’re not familiar with Andy, he’s an amazingly talented
skater/cautionary tale/prison rapist who should be long dead. Read
his legendary Big Brother interview
HERE.
Plus you get to marvel at Jake Phelps, who increasingly looks
like he’s only kept mobile by necromantic arts.
Give it a watch. Have a laugh at what amounts to a bunch
of middle aged men making money by convincing young boys to do
things that are dangerous, humiliating, illegal, or some
combination of the three.
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Rabbit Kekai was the best 60-year-old surfer in the
world, then the best 70-year-old, then the best 80-year old. Not
sure when he actually had to quit, but I’m sure it wasn’t by
choice. | Photo: @kellyslater
Rabbit Kekai is Dead!
By Rory Parker
Rabbit Kekai was surfing's last link to the Duke.
Royalty? Yeah, he was.
I met Rabbit once, briefly. San Diego tradeshow, he was
very friendly. Posed for a picture with me. Exchanged some small
talk.
But I didn’t know the guy.
So I’m not gonna bother writing some half-assed summary of his
long life. Pretend that it doesn’t even a poor job of
representing who he was, what he did. Plenty of other people will
have more worthwhile things to say in the coming days.
From Matt Warshaw, “These were guys who made a decision to
surf when surfing wasn’t a career, or anything close to
respectable—that’s a big deal. That’s a hard decision. Surfing is
so easy when your parents and teachers do it, and it’s all
over People magazine, and John John’s making 3
mil a year or whatever. I love guys like Rabbit who had to do it by
hook or crook, when nobody gave a shit, and nobody was watching, or
if they were watching, they were
thinking, Get a job, you bum. We were only ever interesting,
surfers that is, when this was hard. Rabbit lived a great life, a
spectacular life, rode a million waves, loved a thousand
women.”
