Stop looking at me! Look at the waves! | Photo:
WSL/Kelly Cestari
Watch now: Perfect Cloudbreak!
By Chas Smith
The Fiji Pro is on and Cloudbreak is doing it!
Oh if you can find your way to a computer or
phone or iPad or Smart TV then do! The Fiji Pro is on and
Cloudbreak is perfect. Not even hyperbole!
Kelly Slater almost scored a perfect heat total. He took off
late toward the end and shattered his board and even though he had
the field combo’d let a barrage of F-words fly! “Fucking fuck fuck
fuck!” he said or something much like that.
And that’s how good it is! I’m glad that the WSL doesn’t have a
delay because otherwise they could have scrubbed Kelly’s swears.
But his swears were like sweet honey! Like cocaine wine!
Click
here and watch the rest of the day! Your boss will
understand.
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Panic: Deadly sea snake in California!
By Chas Smith
A new terror rears its (small) head!
Sharks are busily chomping all-comers in
Australia. Chomping people and fish and birds and dogs. Maybe
chomping so many that Australia’s yellow bellied sea snake decided
to swim to Huntington Beach.
“Yellow bellied sea snake?” You ask while popping new FCS II
fins in your board. “What the hell is that?”
“Oh.” I respond while taking a sip of coffee lightly touched
with cream. “Only the most poisonous snake in the whole wide
world.”
Your eyes go wide as you say, “Tell me more.” I can see that you
are trying to take your FCS II fins out but
they….are….not….budging.
“Watch this video of Kolohe
bench banging his fins…” I offer before adding “…and
read this before getting too scared.”
A poisonous yellow-bellied sea snake has made appearanced
again on California beaches. The environmental group Surfrider
Foundation made the startling discovery 30 miles south of Los
Angeles at Bolsa Chica State Beach during a beach cleanup. They
belive snakes appearing due California shores due to warm waters
that are attributed to El Nino.
The snakes are highly poisonous , but their small mouths and
fangs make it difficult for them to bite humans Initial sightings
of the toxic snake happened back in October on Silverstrand Beach
in Oxnard. Yellow-bellied snakes are the most wide-ranging in the
world. Most reported bites are by fishermen, said Pauly. There’s
never been a recorded human fatality.
“These snakes spend their entire lives eating small fish,
and it’s not like a rattle snake that can open its mouth really
wide… So it’s very difficult for them to bite things that are very
large,” he said.
The aquatic snakes tend to live in open ocean
waters.
“They have an extremely modified body form. So basically it
turns their entire body into one long sort of fin,” said Pauly.
“They’re really good at swimming in open water but this particular
species can barely move when it’s on land.”
Your fins are bench banged out now and you are frustrated that I
scared you like that so you begin putting them back in and that is
almost as frustrating as taking them out and so you are glaring at
me.
I take another sip of my coffee and say, “There’s never been a
recorded human fatality. There’s also a first time for
everything.”
P.S. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I tried watching that Kolohe bench banging video again myself
and FCS made it private! I’m literally dying and not from a
poisonous snake bite but from laughter!
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Last heat of Burrow's career, and it was the kind of
heat that's worth waiting for. The kind that salves the sting of
the countless hours wasted. A magnificent display of wave riding
ability. 18.76 for Florence to 18.6 for the guy with the bad
haircut who's probably shit-can hammer wasted right
now.
Parker Reports, Round Three Fiji Pro!
By Rory Parker
Taj Burrow's last ever heat! Wilko hangs on to ugly
yellow jersey!
Round three of Fiji. Kind of bumpy in the
morning, cleaning up through the day. Mix of bad and spectacular.
Medina started out the day with fire. Caught a million waves. Found
some pits, shaved ’em good.
Poor Banting. So humiliating. We all have off days. Doing it on
camera’d be the worst. As out of the groove as Medina was in
it.
Life’s the worst. Explode your knee rookie year. Come back the
next and eat a pile of third round exits. Mr. Paisley Pottz pointed
out that our fave polite waiter spent the lay-days on the mainland.
Doing his own deal.
Indicative of a poor mental state? Need to get away from the
anxiety? Maybe just bored as hell sitting on a white sand beach
staring at nothing. I know it sounds dreamy to those of you who’ve
never, or rarely, done it. But that shit gets tiresome quick.
Next two heats slowed down bad. Bourez handed Igarashi another
early round exit. Payne took out Toledo while the ocean refused to
cooperate.
Slater on fire, looking like himself. Guess it just takes good
surf to keep the best surfer ever interested. Good bye Jordy.
Conner Coffin fucked up bad. Totally rookie mistake. Had the win
in the bag, ate an interference. Uncle Wiggly’s post-heat interview
was classic. He’ll take the win. Do better next round.
Things started heating up again during the heat with the lowest
combined height measurement.
Keanu dodged a barrel bad, made up for it by going balls to the
wall at the next gnarly section, air dropping into obliteration. I
dig the diminutive Hawaiian, and he surfed well, but he got
seriously upstaged by De Souza. The Brazilian took the win easy,
started showboating towards the end.
All I can think of is how funny they’d look, one on the other’s
shoulders, trench coat, trying to sneak into an R rated movie.
Italian Ferrari struggled against an in-form Jug Handles Andre.
Started to find his feet midway through the heat. Big barrel to
deep fading cutty. Earned an even 9, not enough for the front spot.
You could see the fire catch as he took a full speed exit from the
ski.
Wasn’t enough. Jadson used his priority well. Chased Italo
around the lineup, snagged a decent one in the closing minutes.
Ferrari forced into a hail mary floater that would’ve been great if
he hadn’t come unstuck. Instead he got hammered, took the set on
his head, said “Sayonara.”
Kerr/Flores. Two very good backhand barrel riders. Watching
Flores from the channel at solid Pipe was one of the most
entertaining sessions I’ve seen first hand. But Kerr’s on my
fantasy team, even though Rusty tried fucking with us over the
whole in competition IV use deal.
Kerr grabbed the lead early with two solid barrels. 7.33 and
6.67. Judges being niggardly with the excellent scores today. Good
to see. Leave room for improvement, rather than get excited and
paint yourself into a corner.
Flores played catch-up the entire heat. Great barrels, gorgeous
backside carving cutbacks, still couldn’t do it. Last second ride
made for a bit of a nail biter, but not really. Great ride but not
enough.
White Lightning v Melling. I know I’ve harped on it, but it’s
fucked that the WSL is allowing Fanning a just-for-fun year. Give
him a sabbatical, that’s great. But allowing him to cherry pick
events, and guaranteeing an injury wildcard for next year, reeks of
favoritism. “You’re a draw so we’ll bend over backwards to
accommodate you.” Anyone else blows off shitty events ‘cuz they
aren’t feeling it they get fined. But not Mick. He even gets seeded
as though he’s on tour, rather than a wildcard. Which is what he
is.
Mick won.
Been waiting eagerly for Taj versus Double-J Flo. Best barrel
rider in the world. Much loved hero on his retirement swing. Sure
enough, JJ pulls into a keg on his first wave, gets an 8.17. Full
speed jet assist dismount out the back. I hope everyone starts
doing them. They look fun, and someone will eventually mistime it
for a spectacular disaster. Taj added an, in my opinion slightly
over-scored 8, to his previous 2. JJ came right behind with stylish
dreamboat arm drag. 6.17.
Taj answered with a gorgeous 9.2. Long barrel, linking turn to
turn to the channel.
Back and forth beauty.
The crowd was on Taj’s side, but Florence was amazing.
Last heat of Burrow’s career, and it was the kind of heat that’s
worth waiting for. The kind that salves the sting of the countless
hours wasted. A magnificent display of wave riding ability. 18.76
for Florence to 18.6 for the guy with the bad haircut who’s
probably shit-can hammer wasted right now.
I had to do a radio show so I missed the next two heats. I got
to talk about illegal TVRs and how people can screw over the
landlords!
Ace Buchan beat Pupo, which is great for my languishing fantasy
team. Then Wilko beat Muniz to hang on to his ugly yellow
jersey.
But JJ and Taj! Amazing! Magic! Sensual! Velvet! Goodbye sweet
man! Fare thee well!
That’s it for the day. If anyone on Namotu is reading this, I
got a $50 bounty on a picture of him passed out at the bar.
.
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Kelly may've flamenco all over Jordy Smith, but Gabriel
Medina did the same thing on Matt Banting. I love that sweet
sonofabitch! | Photo: WSL
Fiji Pro: Slater’s Flamenco Stomp!
By Derek Rielly
After eight lay-days, the Fiji Pro is back! Kelly
stomps Jordy!
A warrior Wednesday morning sun pierces the
pall of eight Fiji Pro lay days. Laughter shrills the morning air.
It’s on, as they say.
A new swell. A little close together. A little hard to pick. Do
you sit up on the ledge and find a roll-in, or on the inside?
Round three begins,
Gabriel Medina versus Quicksilver’s number one team rider Matt
Banting. Gabriel’s hazel eyes open like a little kid at the
four-to-six-foot waves, and he reflexively swoops onto the sets
like a ravenous baby on a nipple. Fourteen points to four.
Michel Bourez and Kanoa Igarashi promenade up and down the
lineup, doing very little except exercising their arms, the highest
wave of the heat, Michel’s 4.17
Dusty Payne and Filipe Toledo occupy a similar role. Dusty
wins, his high a 4.50. The heat is enlivened when the commentator
Ron Blakey tries to goad Ross Williams into criticism of
Filipe.
“Filipe’s always under the microscope,” says
Ron. “Definitely not on the attack here, like Snapper,
Trestles, Brazil, Portugal.”
Ross bites. “He has the fluid speed but with all the girth and
size you want…power.”
The predictable shock of disappointment gives way to Kelly
Slater’s flamenco stomp of Jordy Smith.
“Kelly has Jordy in a headlock,” says Ross, even as Kelly
occasionally struggles to control the ultra-senstivity of the
Webber banana, ridden as a quad.
After the heat, Kelly is philosophical.
“When you’re the guy struggling you get the moral support,” he
says, adding, “I don’t think we ever get to a place where we want
to be.”
Examine the first heats here!
And see Conner Coffin interfere with Wiggoly Dantas!
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Rage and the theatrical Brazilian!
By Chas Smith
What about him makes us xenophobic?
I generally think it very funny when rage rains
down upon the heads of Brazilian surfers for their exaggerated
claims, their artful post wave celebrations. The watery samba has
never really bothered me much. If anything, I think they should
push it further. They should take note of Victor Cruz’s hips or
Cher’s arms and really perform.
But last night, watching the NBA finals game 5, I finally felt
the rage for myself. Anderson Varajão plays for the world champion
Golden State Warriors. Last year he played for their opponents the
Cleveland Cavaliers. He is tall, 6’10” with a sweet jump shot but
is most famous for his flops. His wild, artificial body quakes that
are aimed at getting foul calls from the referees.
Oh how they annoy! His face draws into a mask of bewildered
pain. Mouth grimacing, eyes little slits of pain. He rolls on the
ground. He holds his head. He goes into full spasms all for the
smallest brush.
And the rage bubbles in my heart!
“That fucking Brazilian! That fucking fake Brazilian! He never
even got touched!”
Now, what about his Brazilian-ness makes it so bad? Why does it
have anything to do with my rage? When white basketballers and
black basketballers flop I find it cheap and tawdry but don’t hold
it against their nationality. But when this tall Brazilian flops I
want to drop giant bombs on São Paulo. The announcers, usually
restrained, even tee off on him!
The same in surf. Matty Wilko’s claims are very much worse, I
think, than Gabe Medina’s but it is Gabe who draws the ire.
What about the theatrical Brazilian makes us xenophobic? Could
unlocking this mystery bring about world peace?
