There's never been a better time to glory in the gifts my country has given the world!
Oh, how I envy all you drunk lunatics Down Under! Thanks to the dimly understood wonder of the international dateline you get to celebrate the birth of America twice! First on the fourth by your reckoning, and also on the following day as dawn greets the birth of the greatest nation ever to blunder its way across the world stage.
There’s never been a better time to glory in all the gifts my country has bestowed upon the world. We look to a near future ruled by short-sighted, self-interested fascism, a mindset which dovetails perfectly into the typical surfer ethos.
Shout it loud and proud, “I love America!” Emphasis on loud. We’ll be taking notes. When Glorious Leader Trump takes the stage there will be hell to pay for any of you who don’t get on board but quick.
We gave the world surfing! When the Hawaiian natives were mostly dead by disease, the sport all but disappeared at the hands of mindless religious zealots, we saw the potential. “Let’s market it!” we cried. “Useless accessories, produced by slaves! Corporate profit! Let’s wrap in all in empty pseudo-spiritual rhetoric! That’ll sell!”
We invented the leash and fins and wetsuits. America defeated the Nazis and stole the secrets of polyurethane and fiberglass. The splendid US of A first dreamt up the notion of assigning points to a solo sport. Wrapped it up in a ugly little package and marketed it to the world. What would your professionals be doing without America? Working in mines? Wrangling kangaroos? Drinking themselves into oblivion while they rue the fact they were born in a second world penal colony formed to divest the UK of its criminal element?
We gave you beer and capitalism and modern standards of hygiene. We beat the King of England, so you didn’t have to.
Without the mighty USA the world wouldn’t have concepts of freedom, nor justice, nor equality. Our gracious hand has slowly but surely guided the rest of this hunk of dirt kicking and screaming toward progress.
We beat the communists by building world killers, bottled up the Japanese. Every day we heave expensive ordinance earthward. To protect your freedom! Do we get any thanks? No. But we don’t need it. Much like a parent loves an ungrateful child, we love you, Australia!
Today, and tomorrow, celebrate the United States the way your convict ancestors would have wanted you to. Get piss wasted, drive drunk. Oppress a minority. Blow something up. Rape your land of its wealth. Offshore production to an oppressive regime.
God bless America!
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Gold!
hahahahahahahahahaha!
who’s that fucker? haha… no, twas actually kinda forced, bitchy boss tried to harass me, so i landed a two week paper in her face and bought myself a lil’ time… but it featured a 150/90 psi blood pressure mark on occasion, kinda pretty fucked situation heh…? but maybe it gonna trigger good vibes, rushing some decisions on house moving back to home town close to family & friends, rio/niteroi has been a bitch lately, olympic/crooked politics times… care to hint me a little on this guido ref…?
46… it’s been a bitch lately, overweight too much this time around, gonna pick blood test results on Friday just to not risking the party… happy news, I’m on mini vacation too, actually 15 day medic leave… been at my home town, Cabo Frio, for a two week chillaxing with sister, brother and inlaws …
hold your mules, cholo, it’s on (edit) thursday…
niiiiice, have a bust! so, in order to follow that trend, have a pitch of margs, some peyote if you will, in my intention on Friday 7th, my bd this time… #arribamono #goape #vaimacaco
#hashtag
wooden sticks ‘n all… btw, how are times in zapataland, many maracujá caipirinhas already?
“Oh, how I envy all you drunk lunatics Down Under! Working in mines? Wrangling kangaroos? Drinking themselves into oblivion while they rue the fact they were born in a second world penal colony formed to divest the UK of its criminal element?”
that kinda people being here trying & diminish brazzos, hahaha. … fuck ya ozzie, just plain fuck yaselves !
The only reason the US acknowledge our existence is summarised in 2 words – Pine Gap!
is the 4th of July something like May the 4th or the 20th of April??
I think it’s Guy Fawkes, or maybe one of the Kardashan’s birthdays?
America gave us the Fonz! When did BG jump the Shark ?
Americans can’t say ‘cunt’ properly. It’s not second nature. They hesitate for a nanosecond and give away their internal struggle. So we’ve got that on y’all [=youse].
They also don’t get most Australians find our convict history funny, not a cause of shame. That joke never gets old
Have you ever called an American woman a cunt? if you have you will understand our reticence.
Understood, but it’s the decriminalisation of the word ‘cunt’ to be synonymous with ‘person’ that’s very Australian…ie ‘youse cunts gonna be using this mooring for long? Coz we had it booked.’ asked very politely by a boat load of young blokes to a boat load of slightly older blockes last summer at Rottnest. After all, a cunt is not a bad thing, is it?
Yeah but Australian men have no memories. American men begin to say “cunt” then they think of their mothers and panic.
I don’t think you gave us beer.
..or man on man, wasn’t that Westerley?
well as a matter of fact, (cough cough nerd alert) the East Coast Surfing Championships at Cape Hatteras used a man on man system at least a year before the 1977 Stubbies, and perhaps even before that.
thanks Rory but we really don’t need any encouragement to make total cunts of ourselves on the piss.
I will say though that a pissed aussie idiot is generally less of a cunt than a pissed american idiot. something about the idea of american exceptionalism turned in on itself makes people particularly nasty with a gut full of grog.
Convict scum, bizarrely, end up better behaved than religious puritans.
Except for Nick Carroll, don’t go near him after he’s necked a few chardonnays.
Big Day on Kauai?
A wasted drunk bogan aussie is wayyyy worse than a wasted drunk redneck.
Being from Australia and living in a tourist town in Canada, and spending quite a lot of time in the PNW, its almost embarrassing watching aussies get fucked up here. A pissed bunch of bogans vs a pissed bunch of Frat boys would be siiick fight to watch
probably right.
I got my head punched in pretty thoroughly by a canadian and his lady friend at Whistler.
was riding home and heard screaming, sounded like someone getting murdered/raped. It was a bloke having a fight with his missus. I asked if everything was OK and he king hit me and started laying into me. I got him on the ground in a death grip and the lady layed the boot into me time and time again.
Fun times.
1) piss wasted – Check
2) drive drunk – Check is standard here in Oz
3) oppress a minority – Check if not aboriginal population it is any other migrant group
4) Blow something up – Check Great Barrier Reef good place to start – need more room for ships to piss our resources offshore.
5) Rape your land of wealth – Check – either more mining instead of farms or sell our largest farms to China
God bless Australia too!! Happy 4th July America