There's never been a better time to glory in the gifts my country has given the world!
Oh, how I envy all you drunk lunatics Down Under! Thanks to the dimly understood wonder of the international dateline you get to celebrate the birth of America twice! First on the fourth by your reckoning, and also on the following day as dawn greets the birth of the greatest nation ever to blunder its way across the world stage.
There’s never been a better time to glory in all the gifts my country has bestowed upon the world. We look to a near future ruled by short-sighted, self-interested fascism, a mindset which dovetails perfectly into the typical surfer ethos.
Shout it loud and proud, “I love America!” Emphasis on loud. We’ll be taking notes. When Glorious Leader Trump takes the stage there will be hell to pay for any of you who don’t get on board but quick.
We gave the world surfing! When the Hawaiian natives were mostly dead by disease, the sport all but disappeared at the hands of mindless religious zealots, we saw the potential. “Let’s market it!” we cried. “Useless accessories, produced by slaves! Corporate profit! Let’s wrap in all in empty pseudo-spiritual rhetoric! That’ll sell!”
We invented the leash and fins and wetsuits. America defeated the Nazis and stole the secrets of polyurethane and fiberglass. The splendid US of A first dreamt up the notion of assigning points to a solo sport. Wrapped it up in a ugly little package and marketed it to the world. What would your professionals be doing without America? Working in mines? Wrangling kangaroos? Drinking themselves into oblivion while they rue the fact they were born in a second world penal colony formed to divest the UK of its criminal element?
We gave you beer and capitalism and modern standards of hygiene. We beat the King of England, so you didn’t have to.
Without the mighty USA the world wouldn’t have concepts of freedom, nor justice, nor equality. Our gracious hand has slowly but surely guided the rest of this hunk of dirt kicking and screaming toward progress.
We beat the communists by building world killers, bottled up the Japanese. Every day we heave expensive ordinance earthward. To protect your freedom! Do we get any thanks? No. But we don’t need it. Much like a parent loves an ungrateful child, we love you, Australia!
Today, and tomorrow, celebrate the United States the way your convict ancestors would have wanted you to. Get piss wasted, drive drunk. Oppress a minority. Blow something up. Rape your land of its wealth. Offshore production to an oppressive regime.
God bless America!