J-Bay is three days off. Forecast looks like it’ll kick off in some solid swell. Yippee skippee hooray!
And sharks! Sharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharksharkshark! Chompy monsters lurking below the surface, looking to nibble on your fave pros’ salty pink bits. So tasty! Like crispy brined pork belly. Can’t get enough of the stuff.
We’ll see a bullshit sonar buoy floating somewhere in the lineup. Does it work? Maybe? Basically a super expensive fish finder. Shows the people watching some squiggly lines. Which they claim are identifiable based on something or other.
What’ll happen? Will there be constant heat stops and starts when a pod of dolphin shows up? Will they just ignore the thing? Spout a bunch of feel-good nonsense about safety while secretly winking at the fact it’s an empty gesture meant to alleviate nonsense fears?
Maybe the world will learn the nasty fact that the sharkies are always there. Right below your feet. Spooky!
Here’s my fantasy surfer picks for the event. Use them as a guide. As a guide to who you should not pick, probably. My team has done terrible all year. I blame it on bullshit judging and terrible surf, but maybe I just suck. Probably the latter.
No goofy guys on this one. If it’s big and barreling they won’t be able to cookie cutter top turn to victory.
Adriano de Souza: Power squat safety approach is what the judges want to see. ADS’ll give it to them. I figure there’s a decent chance he’ll lose to Kerr in round one, but he’ll make it through the next few.
John John Florence: I mean, come on. Can’t bet against JJF in big frontside tubes… is what I want to believe.
Jordy Smith: The lanky hometown boy is an injury magnet, for sure. But he’s playing to a local crowd, and that shit totally influences scores. I picked Jordy because he’ll get the loudest cheers.
Conner Coffin: I just picked him because Gerlach did our BGTV segment. And he surfs real good. And he gets the Curren comparison enough that I figure it’s like picking Tom. I’d totally pick Curren if they gave him a wildcard slot, and this is the closest thing to that.
Dusty Payne: Total heart pick. I want Dusty to do well because I like how he surfs. At the same time, acting based on my emotions is usually a terrible idea. The type of thing that leads to me getting in an argument with some tourist at Costco because I called her lazy when she took a loaf of bread out of her cart and just stuffed it on a random shelf.
Mick Fanning: Yeah, his ankle may be wonky, but this year is all about special treatment for White Lightning. WSL is selling his shark encounter way too hard for them to give him an early round exit.
Steven Sawyer: I just felt like picking a wildcard. Seems like they’ve been playing spoiler a lot this year. But I don’t know shit about the kid. Oops, just watched a video. He’s stands with his right leg forward. Scratch!
Jeremy Flores: I don’t know why. He’s a very good surfer, basically.
Kelly Slater: Reinvigorated drive, maybe? Did Fiji rekindle his competitive flame? Maybe, maybe not. But if the surf is big and good he’ll have fun. And when he’s enjoying himself he’s still the best overall surfer in the world.