Paul Speaker and team exit the water after another clean event!

Just in: CNN edgier than the WSL!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

The stodgy news network goes on a swearing spree while the WSL polishes its Book of Mormon!

How many naughty words do you hear on a World Surf League broadcast from the booth? Oh sure every once in a while a competitor will tee off and drop a few juicy bombs but the only swear I can recall hearing was Pottz very quiet, “Oh shit…” when it appeared that Mick Fanning was being brushed by a shark. Very very quiet.

But look at CNN!

The stodgy cable news network is busting out all over these days! First, journalist Fareed Zakaria told the weirdo with the beardo (Wolf Blitzer!) that Donald Trump is a “bullshit artist.” He said, “There’s a pattern here. Every time it is demonstrated that Donald Trump is plainly ignorant about some basic public policy issue, some well-known fact, he comes back with a certain bravado and tries to explain it away with a tweet or statement. That is the model of a bullshit artist.”

Shit was not bleeped. Bullshit. Live on CNN.

And now strategist Liz Mair called Donald Trump a “loudmouthed dick!”

She said, “It’s amazing to me that anybody’s still having a discussion about having some sort of intervention or bringing him (Trump) back on message. His message is being a loudmouthed dick…”

Dick was not bleeped. Loudmouthed Dick. Live on CNN!

And do you think that the WSL, exporting a cool guy vibe is disappointed at being shoved in the corner by a geriatric? Or do you think the league is so proud about freshly burnished “stick up the ass” credentials? Sorry, not ass. Behind. Stick up the behind.

Proudly tsk-tsking since ’06!

Also, though, if CNN is cursing all over the place does that mean curses have lost all edge?

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Podcast: “Everything is Always Terrible!”

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

The third installment brings us Richie 'Vas' Vaculik. Slab rider, MMA fighter!

After a shamefully long three-week delay, here’s another episode of Everything is Always Terrible.

The third installment brings us Richie ‘Vas’ Vaculik. Slab rider, professional MMA fighter, former ne’er-do-well.

Richie’s one of those people who played it fast and loose during his youth, until severe consequences reared their ugly head. Pretty typical, most of us don’t possess much foresight during our early years. Ask a teenager why they did something stupid and you’ll almost always get a sullen, “I don’t know.”

Nowadays Richie is a more level headed individual. Heaving himself into hideous slabs, competing at the top level of the MMA featherweight division, still laying carpet in his free time. Hard worker, hard charger. He trains and spearfishes, chases his dreams.

We talked about the mental ramifications of being a small man, his penchant for public nudity, showing Kelly Slater his penis, training in Thailand, working his way up from tiny local venues to the UFC. We discussed growing up in rough and tumble Maroubra, fear, his response to it, how our flaws and failures shape us into worthwhile human beings.

Richie Vaculik is a funny, intelligent, man. I am very happy we were able to make this happen.

You can find us on Stitcher here.

iTunes here.

Or press play on the SoundCloud panel below.

https://soundcloud.com/eachrit/podcast-everything-is-always-terrible-episode-three

Give it a listen. Leave your angry comments below.

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Olympics: Let’s wave those stars and bars!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Or the damned Southern Cross if you are a no good convict!

Oh I know that I’m supposed to be so anti-Olympic because surfing is NOT a sport it is a LIFESTYLE but I am, in my heart, thrilled THRILLED that we will be marching in Tokyo. Because, like, USA! USA! USA!

And maybe it is my problem with the World Surf League. I can’t for the life of me seriously cheer for Kolohe Andino or Kanoa Igarashi or Dane Reynolds or any other individual on the World Surf League Championship Tour. Men who do are closeted pedophiles.

(I’m looking at anyone over 18 who has purchased a WSL surf jersey)

But I CAN cheer for country. For AMERICA! And I know that you cheer Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, etc.

So how much fun are we going to have in 2020? The message boards will be tinged with xenophobia and if Donald J. Trump in my president then nuclear war may be a very real option! We will bring real grit to our discussions, real passion. Paixao! We can discuss the nuances of British surfing (ha!) and the strengths of the Spanish (double ha!).

Who will surf for Mexico? For Fiji? For Tahiti?

Will it make Hawaii take separation seriously for the first time since the islands were annexed? Will Rory Parker have a major dilemma on his hands?

Goddamn I love nationalism.

Ed. Addition:

Look at WSL CEO Paul Speaker trying to chime in on someone else’s accomplishment! What a total asshat! Paul? Are you there? Do you want to talk with me yet? Fucking goober kook? NFL shit bag?

“Congratulations to ISA President, Fernando Aguerre, and the ISA on their successful bid to have the sport included in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games,” said Paul Speaker, CEO of the World Surf League (WSL), the globally recognized home of professional surfing

Globally recognized. Globally. Yeah.

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Can you imagine? Swing your blade over at the Slater and, later, move to the Wavegarden.

It’s Official: Surfing is an Olympic Sport!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

IOC formally includes surfing in the 2020 games. Are you thrilled?

This’ll give you a shiver, either good or bad. Today, as expected by everyone, the IOC formally included surfing in the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo.

“This is a huge moment for professional surfing and further highlights surfing’s rise as a global participatory and spectator sport,” said the WSL’s CEO Paul Speaker.

In the sort of oddly stilted quote you get when quotes go through the PR wash, world number two John John Florence said: “For the sport, being accepted onto the Olympic stage is a great step forward. Surfing continues to grow and seeing it reach the Olympic level is really exciting. I’m looking forward to the opportunity of representing our country if I’m fortunate enough to make the U.S. team.”

On the other side of the ledger, we find Owen Wright.

“Fuck the Olympics,” Owen told Surfer magazine (pre-brain trauma), later expanding on the theme to a reporter from the news agency Reuters: “I think surfing in itself is more of an art form and an expression so I think the Olympic banner doesn’t really suit the sport of surfing. It suits a lot of other sports but I think surfing is more like judging an art work. It’s kind of hard to put it under that one banner. If you had one event and named the Olympic champion? I think in the world surf league we have a bunch of different canvasses, they’re all totally different waves, and by the end of it you get the winner. I think it has to be like that, to have a bunch of different inclusions to get the one champion.”

And you?

Will you cry with the winners and losers on the podium and cast darting eyes at the rippling bodies flexing or will you just… cry?

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Buy: A fabulous Stab-Minions exclusive!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Stab joins forces with the lovable Minions for a very special beach lifestyle offering!

Collaborations are very exciting aren’t they though? Who could ever forget 2009’s Kanye West x Nike’s Air Yeezy? Or 2011’s Kanye West x Jay-Z’s Ni**as in Paris? Supreme x Undercover? Opening Ceremony x Vans? The Standard x Quiksilver?

Stab x Minions?

That’s right! Your favorite retail conglomerate (Surfstitch x Swell x Stab x Magic Seaweed) just announced an exclusive offering of Minions-inspired surfwear.

You know the Minions don’t you? The lovable yellow creatures that first appeared in the films Despicable Me, Despicable Me 1 and Despicable Me 2 before getting their own stand alone film The Minions?

They are very funny and there was only a small controversy when it was revealed that their look might have been inspired by the children that Nazi’s used in poisonous gas experiments.

But do they surf? Apparently yes! Let’s read about it from the industry blog Shop-Eat-Surf!

Celebrating the Minions’ passion for the beach lifestyle as highlighted in the Minions Paradise mobile game, now available worldwide from EA, the Minions Lost in Paradise Collection will include t-shirts, denim and board shorts for men; and t-shirts, a midi dress, denim and swimwear, including a bikini and one-piece options, for women. Known for his iconic The Melty Misfit characters, Buff Monster interpreted key elements from the Minions Paradise game to design the core collection art.

Style icons and models; filmmakers; innovators on Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube; and real-life couple Jay Alvarrez and Alexis Ren have been tapped to collaborate on the marketing campaign for the launch. Additionally, surfers, such as Rusty athlete Noa Deane, will appear in association with the collection. The influencers will be featured in a multi-layered digital campaign timed to the launch of the collection.

“Fans all over the world have embraced the Minions, and the popularity of the Minions Paradise EA game leading to the launch of an inspired apparel line is a real testament to the characters’ broad appeal,” said Manuel Torres, Executive Vice President, NBCUniversal Consumer Products. “Our partners at Illumination continue to inspire us to develop new creative opportunities for the Minions, and we look forward to the fans’ reaction to the limited edition surf collection.”

Available August 15, 2016, the collection will be sold exclusively by online action sports retailer Swell.com in North America and Europe and by Surfstitch.com in Australia.

The Minions’ passion for the beach lifestyle! Wonderful! Also, maybe we can hope for a Blood Feud! Do you remember Minions’ spokesman Jay Alvarrez’s with Ethan someone? Ouch!

Something you certainly must own. Buy exclusively at Surfstitch x Swell x Stab x Magic Seaweed!

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Eat beach grit spam!