Are you happy with what you've become?

Oh those GoPro Mouth Mounts!

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

Are you looking to achieve that cock-jammed-down-your-throat look?

Things are happening. Amazing things. Magical things!

Maybe I’ll tell you about them later. Maybe I won’t. Maybe it’s more fun to let your imaginations wander.

Maybe I’m just brain fried from surfing a very fun left hand point all day. I really need to get a surf hat. Just say fuck it and pick up a chin-strap number. Or stop shaving my head so short. Leave a little hair for protection from those nasty ol’ UV rays.

Anyway… there’s a point here. Something I need to say before I forget. Before my mind shuts own for good.

We, surfers as a whole, have done a lot of stupid shit over the years. Banana boards. Short shorts. The US Open. Velcro booties/deck pad combos. Fu Wax. Board shorts over wetsuits. The Game.

I’ll bitch and moan. That’s what I do. Can’t help it.

But in the end I can ultimately accept that things just are the way they are.

But GoPro mouth mounts…

Three guys paddling around the line up. Looking like they’ve got cocks jammed down their throats.

I’ll be the first to say, “If that’s the look you’re going for you go shine right on you crazy fucking diamond!”

If it’s not, and I’ll bet that’s that case, you need to take a look a good hard look at the footage you’ve been generating. Is it good? Is it great? I’ll bet not.

Like amateur porn, the idea is a hell of a lot prettier than the reality. It may feel good. It does not look so.

Now pop that fucker in. Go stand in front of a mirror for twenty minutes. Film it. Watch it.

Are you happy with what you’ve become?

PS: Nate Diaz is going to murder Conor McGregor.

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Look at the wildness in the eye! "Keep away from Venice-adjacent!" the boys at The Inertia holler!

Blood Feud: The Inertia vs. Marijuana!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

The Distributor of Ideas catches Reefer Madness!

And didn’t you think that your favorite purveyors of a Venice-adjacent alternative lifestyle would be a little pro-marijuana? It’s natural! It comes from Mother Earth just like chia and Laird Hamilton! But apparently NO! They are NOT!

In an Instagram post sent me by our wonderful Rory Parker the Distributor of Ideas distributed this one:

Yep, it ain’t all rainbows when it comes to reefer. There’s that little thing called addiction. And whether it’s mental or physical, addiction is very much a reality in the legalization movement. Dr. Samuel Ball, the CEO of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, sat down with Tech Insider to discuss the realities of today’s manufactured marijuana and its dangerous potency. Aside from the addictive mental properties in the plant, there’s also the damage it does to the lungs when smoked, which scientists still don’t know much about. Something to think about.

But what? How? Does this mean that The Inertia is in the pocket of Big Pharma? For sure it does and who would have ever guessed that? Let’s now read from some of the Instagram comments.

bobby_dietz: When someone’s mom hacks into their account and decides to post something.

lee.mc.surf: Unfollowed inertia you bunch of asshats

tenthumb: The most dangerous thing about weed is the risk of some judge locking you in a fucking cage for smoking a plant. Fuck off with your nanny post!

nickpitzel: FUCK @theinertia thanks for giving me a reason to unfollow you mainstream zombies.

formulakerrr: What the hell? Is the DEA running this account?

pate.brasfield: This is dumb as shit you guys are complete idiots

samuel_hein: Why is this surf page telling me to stop smoking weed? Lol

michael_keeney: Barn fest.

Etc.

I couldn’t find a pro-Inertia anti-weed comment but I’m sure there was one. Right?

Get high…on life!

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Get: “I have Billabong contract” look!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Are you tired of looking like an average joe? Well follow these simple steps to look like a pro!

To become a professional surfer you’ve got to be the best of the best. You’ve got to put your time in, press your shoulder against the wheel, duck dive, shred, spray, dawn patrol, evening glass, surf, surf, surf, surf, surf. No exceptions.

……Well maybe one exception. Let’s read about it in Elle!

The ropey matte waves worn by pro surfers like Laura Enever and Felicity Palmateer do notcome from a curling iron—they’re earned in the ocean. While some stylists will tell you it’s not possible to re-create the look on land, with a bit of salt spray and a lot of diffuser action, you too can pass for someone with a Billabong contract.

Start by misting wet hair with John Frieda Beach Blonde Sea Waves Sea Salt Spray (it’s for non-blondes, too), and then twist varying sections away from the face. No time to air dry? This is where your diffuser comes in handy. Flip your hair over and hit wet ends from the bottom, working your way up until waves are 80 percent dry. Finish with another salt spray mist. And get totally stoked, because you’ve just mastered the no-surf surf wave.

Have you mastered the no-surf surf wave? And I thought the “Billabong contract” look was a touch more, how do I say, provincial? A smidge more, let’s see, windshield sunglasses and flat brimmed hat and inner bicep tattoo?

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A gold medal run!

Lowell Taub and the worst week ever!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Did you have a rough week? Not as rough as this! Gold medal bad!

Imagine, for a few moments, that you are Mr. Lowell Taub. An ex-ski racer. A sports agent to the stars! Your roster includes the likes of ski legend Bodie Miller and skateboarding prodigy Nyjah Huston. Life is so good. Very good. All you have to do is pick up the phone and deals come rolling in.

“Mr. Taub! Budweiser beer here…say, we really love that Bodie Miller fella. Can we give him a million dollars please?”

“Mr. Taub! Monster Energy on the horn… Whitney Houston is the voice of her generation….. wait. Nyjah. Nyjah Huston has the look the kids love. A million dollars?”

You sit back in your ergonomically superior chair and say, “How ’bout two million?”

Oh it’s child’s play!

And it don’t end with Bodie and Nyjah. You’ve got snowboard icon Shaun White and swimming’s most eligible gold medalist Ryan Lochte.

Wait! Shaun White AND Ryan Lochte?

Oh hell! You just had the WORST WEEK EVER!

Let us revisit. You woke up on Tuesday after a fun extended weekend and there is Shaun all over TMZ and Deadspin for showing penis pics to the drummer of his band, making her watch dead bear porn and telling cab drivers that they “suck dick for a living!”

Definitely not an easy spin. “My client was… ummm… uhhhhhh… joking.”

Then, two days later while sorting through the various penis pics Shaun sent over, your Ryan Lochte gets busted for bald-faced lying about being tougher than his friends while getting robbed at gunpoint in Rio!

An even harder spin! “My client was… I think… ummmmmmmmmmm… joking.”

The weekend cannot come fast enough.

Whew!

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Video: Surfin’ in the DPRK!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Close the Surfer Poll....we have our winner!

Ok…and ok…and ok. Maybe I missed this. Did I miss this? I must have because there is no way this hasn’t come out in the surf media. Did it already appear on The Inertia? As an advertisement for a hot new workout? As a new market for chia yogurt goodness?

Is StabStitch using it to sell its artificial anti-shark pseudo-science to unsuspecting kids for $200 a pop? To fund massive operating losses born of a perpetual 70% sale on all soft goods? Is Kim Jong-Un partnering with Lex Pedersen to paint all surf the same color of paranoid yet autocratic beige? Wait…is Lex the one still there? Or the other one? The blonde one? Who likes….. oh never mind.

But anyway for sure it has come out. Right? In case I missed it and you’ve already seen… as you were.

But if not WOW!

Just WOW!

Gawker, which is going out of business next week beating StabStitch by three weeks, writes:

A popular Youtuber named Louis Cole, whose channel has nearly 2 million subscriptions, ended his trip to North Korea by creating a music video called “Sufin In The DPRK.” This isn’t some biting political commentary that touches on the atrocities carried out by the North Korean dictatorship, but rather a fun, lighthearted video about “bringing our wold together.”

Cole has already been hit with criticism for the lighthearted and intellectually dishonest “adventure videos” he’s posted on YouTube while on his state-organized tour of North Korea. In one video description, Cole writes “I’m trying to focus on positive things in the country and combat the purely negative image we see in the Media.”

For whatever reason, Cole doesn’t seem to realize that his tour of North Korea, just like all other tours of the country, is staged and set up to appear as if the country is thriving and prosperous. Cole seems to think that by not mentioning these atrocities, or the hunger ravaging the country, and by making a cheery video hanging out with his new North Korean friends, that he’ll be able to help bridge some global divide. That, of course, is delusional—but we hope Cole enjoys the YouTube ad revenue!

WOW!

And you are welcome The Inertia and StabStitch. You can both use this to sell your chia/suable anti-shark tech.

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Eat beach grit spam!