Kelly Slater and the shifting death mask!

Chas Smith

By

What puzzle is the world's greatest surfer begging for us to solve?

Oh what fascinating mysteries surround the world’s greatest surfer! Do you follow him on Instagram? You simply must because that is where our stickler begins.

A few weeks ago the wonderful Gene Wilder died. You remember him from Blazing Saddles, See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex*. Kelly Slater remembers him from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and happened to be offering his own Golden Ticket to surf the Wave Ranch near Tulare, California.

And so Kelly posted a touching tribute to Gene but also superimposed his own face over the actor’s just departed one, in Willy Wonka garb. Strange? The people said “Yes!”

His comment section lit up with folk suggesting it was an unseemly move. The regular media even got involved. Buzzfeed posted a piece titled: People Are Very Confused About Kelly Slater’s Gene Wilder Tribute. Fox Sports followed with: Kelly Slater’s bizarre tribute to Gene Wilder sparks backlash.

Your BeachGrit? Of course we were there, not throwing stones but cheering loudly for Kelly’s blood feud against decorum! Still, we were in the minority. Most found it tawdry. But do you think the 17 x World Champion crawled into a hole to sob about how nobody understands him?

No!

He doubled down days later by suggesting, on Instagram, that we follow a new religion based on the teachings of Spock and Bruce Lee. Leonard Nimoy, who played Spock and died in 2015, was used to illustrate the post but Kelly removed Mr. Nimoy’s face and replaced it with his own in the profile picture.

A few commenters complained about the indecency but most applauded the religion and looked to sign up for auditing sessions.

Victory!

But did the 9 x Pipeline Master finish there?

No!

Today Kelly’s face is superimposed over famous cloud painter Bob Ross in his Instagram profile picture. You’ll remember Bob from public television. A warm face framed by a giant afro painting pastoral scenes. Is Bob still alive? No! He died in 1995!

And what is Kelly trying to tell us by placing his own face over the faces of the departed time and time again? What puzzle is he begging for us to solve? I need your help as I failed geometry.

Also, while we are at it, let us start a pool for which dead man is next. My money is on Brangelina.

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Gimme: A belt I can love!

Chas Smith

By

New brand Cuater serves up a thing that all men need! Are you a man?

There are two things a man needs in life and one of them is a belt. He needs it to hold his raw Japanese selvedge denim to his waist. To swing on a branch across an engorged river. To punish wayward teenagers. To punch through drywall in order to obtain the treasure hidden therein (drugs!).

Now, I am not in the business of endorsing just any ol’ product especially products that are scientifically dubious and rob children of their hard-earned pennies on empty promises that sharks will not nibble (hello Stab!) but when something floats across my horizon that makes me smile I can’t help but shout it from the rooftops.

Cuater belts is one of those things and has no

Firstly, my favorite is amazingly made of paper. They have very fine leather and stretch models too but it is the paper one that caught my eye because artists imprint on it and it achieves an impossible to replicate patina over time. Like raw Japanese selvedge denim! Anything that must be broken in, that begins to resemble its owner, is an item I must own.

I spoke with co-founder Robbie McKnight about his belts on a warm Laguna Beach day recently. And yes that McKnight. His father is the legendary Bob of Quiksilver fame. His sisters are Roxy and Kristi both completely fabulous. They are the first family of surfing with neither doubt nor peer. And Robbie told me of his inspirations, of his dreams, of how it feels to start a brand in this day and age.

It’s rough! But his product sings, it works and you should go here today for a browse. Buy one for you (here!) and if not for you, for your friend who needs to hold his pants up or find treasure hidden behind drywall (old porn!).

Creed says, "I don’t strive to be unique. I strive to fucking be myself."

Film: Creed McTaggart v Pam Anderson!

Derek Rielly

By

Firmly anti-contest stud meets fallen TV star… 

Just now, the surfboard sponsor of Creed McTaggart released a fine, if slightly abrasive, five-minute cut to showcase Creed’s Love Buzz board model. Before you scroll, swipe, to the film, which features Pam Anderson and is called P.A.M, and which is located at the bottom of the page, how about we get to know the firmly anti-contest Western Australian?

Here, over two separate interviews, BeachGrit attempts to unspool, via psychoanalysis, the labyrinth of Creed McTaggart’s unconscious.

FEARS: I freak out about stability. I feel like in this surfing game, you don’t really know how long it’s going to last and what’s going to happen. I see so many fucking good surfers and really amazing people that just get dropped and within months they’re just gone. I always freak out about that. I feel guilty if I’m doing fuck-all at home or partying too much. I feel like I don’t want to waste it. When you think about it, it’s like living 10 lives in one.

ON BEING UNIQUE: I don’t strive to be unique. I strive to fucking be myself.

ON COURAGE: I wouldn’t call myself a brave person. I’ve done a lot of dumb things. I fucking quit school. I wish I didn’t quit school. I really liked school.

ON THE FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP: When I was 13 I wanted to be strong like him so I’d have two protein shakes a day and I went boxing training for six years. But it never really worked. By the time I was 17, I just went, fuck that.

DRIVING CARS:  It’s really scary for me. I feel like I don’t belong on the road. If there’s someone tailgating me, for example, I freak out and speed up. I’m semi-dyslexic and I always to forget to fucking turn on the lights and the windscreen wipers. All that pressure! Once you’re on the road, you’re part of a family, a whole family, but no one likes you and everyone gets road rage. It’s this one giant seething organism trying to get to this place and that place and  I’m stuck in the middle cutting people off, totally oblivious, just trying to learn. I just fuck with my own head, really. It’s probably not like that. I get really nervous and anxious.

ON COACHES: Coaches fucking piss me off. I did four ISAs and I just fucking hated it. It’s such a weird vibe. So intense. It didn’t feel real. It felt fake and I hate coaches telling you where to put your arms when you surf. I’ve always want to surf how I wanted to surf

ON MARIJUANA: There’s a time and a place. Coming from Margaret River there’s a lot of kids I went to school with who got into it too hard and they smoke billies all day and do fuck all. That’s really sad. I don’t rate that.

ON HEAVEN: There’s a heaven I enjoy by myself where I’m lying in bed and it’s thunder storming outside and I’m all cosy and I’m reading a book or listening to music and there’ll be moments where I think, fuck this is heaven. And then there’s the other type of heaven with your friends, having beers in the afternoon. I get a lot of flashes of heaven. More heavens than hell, I try to make it.

Just think how much more time you have now that your Power Rankings are done! Go out and take care of some important business!
Just think how much more time you have now that your Power Rankings are done! Go out and take care of some important business!

Power Rankings: The one-word edition!

Chas Smith

By

Come get your lightening round!

I love power rankings. I love them no matter who does them from Lou-Sam to Derek Rielly from Nick Carroll to Nick Carroll from Matt Warshaw to Albert Einstein. I read and think, “Such observation! Such skill! I could never write a power ranking!”

Until today.

There I was drinking sake and reading ESPN’s week two NFL power ranking and feeling bored, thinking that the writer could have summed up each team with just one word instead of a small paragraph. And then I thought, “I could do that! I could write one word!”

So without further ado:

  1. John: John
  2. Gabi: Stepson
  3. Wilko: Goofy
  4. Jordy: Nippies
  5. KS: GOAT
  6. Parko: #lifeisbetterinboardshorts
  7. Ace: Friendly
  8. Italo: Italian
  9. Julian: Snakebit
  10. Kolohe: AndDino
  11. Filipe: Dizzy
  12. ADS: Rotorooter
  13. Mick: Lebensabschnittpartner
  14. Bourez: 500
  15. Kerr: upt/azy
  16. Sea-Bass: kickhisass
  17. Caio: Ciao
  18. Wiggolly: Dantas
  19. Stu Kennedy: Forehead
  20. Nat Young: Eyes?
  21. Kanoa Igarashi: Twink
  22. Jadson: Middle-aged-hair-line
  23. Miggy Pupo: Fun!
  24. Dusty: Springfield
  25. Conner: secret-turn
  26. Adam Melling: Lebensabschnittpartner-lite
  27. Davey Cathels: I’ve got nothing. Who is he again?
  28. Jack Freestone: GOT
  29. Alejo Muniz: Yeah?
  30. Alex Ribeiro: #ibeforeeexceptafterb
  31. Matt Banting: Dane/Craig
  32. Keanu Asing: 4’11

The end.

Surf shoe laughs at mass incarceration!

Chas Smith

By

Vans releases "The Prison Issue." Tone-deaf or celebratory?

Did you know that the United States of America locks more people up than any other country on earth? More than North Korea, China, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Iran, even Australia. More than Russia, Mongolia, Ukraine, South Africa, France, even Syria.

So many people!

1 out of every 36 Americans is under some sort of correctional supervision according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, growing by 700% from 1970-2005 creating a multi-multi billion dollar industry.

Moreover, the whole proposition is wildly racist. The Center for American Progress reports that one out of every fifteen men in prison is black, one out of thirty-six Hispanic and one out of one hundred and six white. One out of every three black men will go to prison at some point in their lives generally for some low-level, petty drug crime. Black men get stopped more often by the police, searched more often, beat more often and then get carted off to the big house very much more often to spend at least 20% longer there.

A human rights disaster by any measure.

And are you reading this on a contraband cellphone behind bars right now?

Probably not (because if you are not Maurice Cole then you are white) but if you want to feel like you are try buying a pair of the new Vans Prison Issue. A shoe modeled on the very same sort black and Hispanic inmates wear in cages.

The release reads:

The return of the prison issue (AKA style #23) features an updated toecap and resized straps for the ultimate comfort and support.

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Hmmm.

Do you think actual prisoners get updated toecaps and resized straps? Do you think releasing a shoe celebrating hard time in an era of extra-hot racial tension is tone-deaf or do think Vans parent company VF Corp is honoring a truly American pastime?

Should some percentage of sales go to the non-profit The Sentencing Project aimed at fixing America’s criminal justice system?

Oh what a grand idea!