surfing holland
Surprising to see that Holland gets some fun days. And it doesn't look too cold. Looks like everyone is in a 3/2. One ripper rocking the long arm springsuit.

Who Knew: Holland has shredders!

Rory Parker

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Fringe weirdos? Or North Sea shredders?

I was aware that Holland had a thriving little surf scene. Seems like everywhere with a patch of coast does these days. Doesn’t need to be good, or warm. There’s always a group of masochists willing to chase that feeling only surfers know, supposedly.

I’ve always written them off as fringe weirdos. Like the Great Lakes guys. When it’s always freezing fucking cold, and the best day would be considered garbage anywhere else, what’s the point? Take up another hobby. There’s nothing magic about surfing. You can find that good feeling in a million other places.

Surprising to see that Holland gets some fun days. And it doesn’t look too cold. Looks like everyone is in a 3/2. One ripper rocking the long-arm springsuit.

It could still be freezing hell, I suppose. Viking blood lunatics laughing at the chill. The rest of us bundled up in hoods and booties and crab claw glove monstrosities.

I’ve always thought Holland was its own separate country. Turns out I’ve been wrong all these years. It’s part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands. People often refer to the Netherlands as Holland, but that’s incorrect. All the people are called Dutch. Not to be confused with residents of Denmark, who are the Danes.

Maybe you already knew that. It’s news to me. They don’t teach us much about the rest of the world here in the good ol’ Republic of Trump. I know almost nothing about systems of governance outside my own borders. I guess the powers-that-be don’t think we need to know. Maybe they’re right. Dutch politics don’t have much influence over my daily life.

On the other hand, we’re about to hand the keys to our nuclear arsenal to an insane reality TV star who’s pledged to surround our borders with an Iron Curtain style wall. That shit’s got global ramifications.

Everyone in the video surfs surprisingly well. Especially Mr Long Hair. Dude throws down some admirable hacks. He must travel a lot.

 

Revealed: The secret Kelly Slater message!

Chas Smith

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Kelly Slater's death mask riddle has been solved!

Ask and you shall receive! Just this morning, only a short few hours ago, I wondered what Kelly Slater was trying to tell us with his various death mask montages. First he posted his face over Gene Wilder’s then over Leonard Nimoy’s and finally over the painter Bob Ross’s.

And what? What mystery was the 12 x World Champ unspooling for us to solve? What did he want us to learn? What did these three men, Gene, Lenny and Bob have in common?

Oh I know some feel that Kelly was merely re-posting images he found amusing from the Instagram humor account @thesurfinghobo but I know the man better than that. He is a philosopher! A complex theorist! A drinker of Purps, eater of chia, lover of all things non-GMO. A believer in the Universe and he would never roll out meaningless clues.

Thankfully the answer has been given.

Kelly Slater is warning us all off drugs!

Look at him above superimposed over Nancy Reagan’s (dead) face and it all makes perfect sense.

Gene Wilder, as Willy Wonka, was a euphemistic drug maker/pusher. Dead.

Leonard Nimoy, as Spock, gave a very moving speech in which he said, “As a Vulcan I find the use of hard drugs illogical.” Also dead.

Bob Ross was most famous for painting what he called “happy little trees.” It doesn’t take a genius to imagine what “happy little trees” actually are (marijuana). Dead.

And, lastly, where did the Kelly Slater and Rob Machado short film High Five (spelled HI-5 to avoid any drug connotation) appear? That’s correct. On the notoriously square, vehemently anti-drug Inertia.

Just Say No! is what Kelly Slater wants us to do. If we don’t we are all going to die.

This message has been Sal Masakela approved.

Kelly Slater and the shifting death mask!

Chas Smith

By

What puzzle is the world's greatest surfer begging for us to solve?

Oh what fascinating mysteries surround the world’s greatest surfer! Do you follow him on Instagram? You simply must because that is where our stickler begins.

A few weeks ago the wonderful Gene Wilder died. You remember him from Blazing Saddles, See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex*. Kelly Slater remembers him from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and happened to be offering his own Golden Ticket to surf the Wave Ranch near Tulare, California.

And so Kelly posted a touching tribute to Gene but also superimposed his own face over the actor’s just departed one, in Willy Wonka garb. Strange? The people said “Yes!”

His comment section lit up with folk suggesting it was an unseemly move. The regular media even got involved. Buzzfeed posted a piece titled: People Are Very Confused About Kelly Slater’s Gene Wilder Tribute. Fox Sports followed with: Kelly Slater’s bizarre tribute to Gene Wilder sparks backlash.

Your BeachGrit? Of course we were there, not throwing stones but cheering loudly for Kelly’s blood feud against decorum! Still, we were in the minority. Most found it tawdry. But do you think the 17 x World Champion crawled into a hole to sob about how nobody understands him?

No!

He doubled down days later by suggesting, on Instagram, that we follow a new religion based on the teachings of Spock and Bruce Lee. Leonard Nimoy, who played Spock and died in 2015, was used to illustrate the post but Kelly removed Mr. Nimoy’s face and replaced it with his own in the profile picture.

A few commenters complained about the indecency but most applauded the religion and looked to sign up for auditing sessions.

Victory!

But did the 9 x Pipeline Master finish there?

No!

Today Kelly’s face is superimposed over famous cloud painter Bob Ross in his Instagram profile picture. You’ll remember Bob from public television. A warm face framed by a giant afro painting pastoral scenes. Is Bob still alive? No! He died in 1995!

And what is Kelly trying to tell us by placing his own face over the faces of the departed time and time again? What puzzle is he begging for us to solve? I need your help as I failed geometry.

Also, while we are at it, let us start a pool for which dead man is next. My money is on Brangelina.

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Gimme: A belt I can love!

Chas Smith

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New brand Cuater serves up a thing that all men need! Are you a man?

There are two things a man needs in life and one of them is a belt. He needs it to hold his raw Japanese selvedge denim to his waist. To swing on a branch across an engorged river. To punish wayward teenagers. To punch through drywall in order to obtain the treasure hidden therein (drugs!).

Now, I am not in the business of endorsing just any ol’ product especially products that are scientifically dubious and rob children of their hard-earned pennies on empty promises that sharks will not nibble (hello Stab!) but when something floats across my horizon that makes me smile I can’t help but shout it from the rooftops.

Cuater belts is one of those things and has no

Firstly, my favorite is amazingly made of paper. They have very fine leather and stretch models too but it is the paper one that caught my eye because artists imprint on it and it achieves an impossible to replicate patina over time. Like raw Japanese selvedge denim! Anything that must be broken in, that begins to resemble its owner, is an item I must own.

I spoke with co-founder Robbie McKnight about his belts on a warm Laguna Beach day recently. And yes that McKnight. His father is the legendary Bob of Quiksilver fame. His sisters are Roxy and Kristi both completely fabulous. They are the first family of surfing with neither doubt nor peer. And Robbie told me of his inspirations, of his dreams, of how it feels to start a brand in this day and age.

It’s rough! But his product sings, it works and you should go here today for a browse. Buy one for you (here!) and if not for you, for your friend who needs to hold his pants up or find treasure hidden behind drywall (old porn!).

Creed says, "I don’t strive to be unique. I strive to fucking be myself."

Film: Creed McTaggart v Pam Anderson!

Derek Rielly

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Firmly anti-contest stud meets fallen TV star… 

Just now, the surfboard sponsor of Creed McTaggart released a fine, if slightly abrasive, five-minute cut to showcase Creed’s Love Buzz board model. Before you scroll, swipe, to the film, which features Pam Anderson and is called P.A.M, and which is located at the bottom of the page, how about we get to know the firmly anti-contest Western Australian?

Here, over two separate interviews, BeachGrit attempts to unspool, via psychoanalysis, the labyrinth of Creed McTaggart’s unconscious.

FEARS: I freak out about stability. I feel like in this surfing game, you don’t really know how long it’s going to last and what’s going to happen. I see so many fucking good surfers and really amazing people that just get dropped and within months they’re just gone. I always freak out about that. I feel guilty if I’m doing fuck-all at home or partying too much. I feel like I don’t want to waste it. When you think about it, it’s like living 10 lives in one.

ON BEING UNIQUE: I don’t strive to be unique. I strive to fucking be myself.

ON COURAGE: I wouldn’t call myself a brave person. I’ve done a lot of dumb things. I fucking quit school. I wish I didn’t quit school. I really liked school.

ON THE FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP: When I was 13 I wanted to be strong like him so I’d have two protein shakes a day and I went boxing training for six years. But it never really worked. By the time I was 17, I just went, fuck that.

DRIVING CARS:  It’s really scary for me. I feel like I don’t belong on the road. If there’s someone tailgating me, for example, I freak out and speed up. I’m semi-dyslexic and I always to forget to fucking turn on the lights and the windscreen wipers. All that pressure! Once you’re on the road, you’re part of a family, a whole family, but no one likes you and everyone gets road rage. It’s this one giant seething organism trying to get to this place and that place and  I’m stuck in the middle cutting people off, totally oblivious, just trying to learn. I just fuck with my own head, really. It’s probably not like that. I get really nervous and anxious.

ON COACHES: Coaches fucking piss me off. I did four ISAs and I just fucking hated it. It’s such a weird vibe. So intense. It didn’t feel real. It felt fake and I hate coaches telling you where to put your arms when you surf. I’ve always want to surf how I wanted to surf

ON MARIJUANA: There’s a time and a place. Coming from Margaret River there’s a lot of kids I went to school with who got into it too hard and they smoke billies all day and do fuck all. That’s really sad. I don’t rate that.

ON HEAVEN: There’s a heaven I enjoy by myself where I’m lying in bed and it’s thunder storming outside and I’m all cosy and I’m reading a book or listening to music and there’ll be moments where I think, fuck this is heaven. And then there’s the other type of heaven with your friends, having beers in the afternoon. I get a lot of flashes of heaven. More heavens than hell, I try to make it.

Photo: Jack English
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