Little Keanu Asing and Kolohe Andino too!

Day Five got an early start. First glance showed fun looking, but slightly gooey, peaks. One of those slightly frustrating sessions where you have a little wall, a bit of speed, but no lip to hit.

Fish territory. Maybe even, gasp, a longboard!

I’m checking the rule book, can’t find a rule banning longboards on the ‘CT. Won’t win your heat, obviously. But it’d be punk as fuck to paddle out into shit conditions as a protest.

Not that bad today. I’m just sayin’.

Beach scene was amusing. Culture appropriating Belgians wrapped in Hawaiian flags littering the beach.

I don’t care for Belgians. Terrible people. Barely slightly better than Italians in my ranking of terrible races.

Back in 2008 I had some Belgian kid at a hostel in Argentina go off on me about my country’s history of oppression. Fair enough, dork, but I’m trying to get up inside this Israeli broad. Neither the time nor place for this discussion.

And let’s not forget the fucking Congo.

Surf looked pretty good in the first heat. Solid back and forth between Stu and Keanu. Maybe his small size gave him the edge, maybe he’s just surfing a hair better than usual. Maybe it’s just the je ne sais quoi that makes me really like him for no reason I can pinpoint. But Keanu kept it interesting for me. It was hardly a firing heat, but I enjoyed watching. Very pleased to see Keanu get the win.

ADS/JJF took place in head high mush burgers. Looked like a “good” day at El Porto. My heart dropped into my stomach. De Souza would surely win. This is his territory.

But double-John surfed safe. Flowed his cuttys together, didn’t try to do anything the wave wouldn’t let him. Things got tense in the dying moments, Adriano grabbed one with three minutes left and surfed it as well as you could, all the way to the beach. Needed a 6.64. Only got a 6.37.

Very close. I expected him to get it. Like the Hendo/Bisping fight last night, doing better doesn’t always equal winning.

De Souza scrambled back into the lineup. John John played tactics, sat on the Brazilian’s face until the buzzer sounded.

Wilson/Ibelli was a tight heat. Both men surfed good, but there wasn’t a lot to be done. Battle of the cutback to top turn combo.

I got bored. Used the half hour to invent a fun game I can play with the wife. I call it Does My Finger Smell Like a Hot Dog?

“Hey, real quick, do you think my finger smells like a hot dog?”

“What? Have you been eating hot dogs?”

“No.”

“Then why would your finger smell like one?”

“I don’t know. I’m not saying my finger smells like a hot dog. I’m asking you to smell my finger and tell me if it smells like a hot dog.”

“I don’t want to do that.”

“C’mon, be a pal. Help me out. Smell my finger.”

“No.”

“Don’t be a dick. Just give it a quick sniff.”

“Get your fucking finger out of my face.”

“I don’t know why you’re making this so difficult. Just give it a quick sniff. It’s not a big deal.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because I need to know if my finger smells like a hot dog.”

“Just smell it yourself.”

“I can’t. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated. I don’t have time to explain. You’re my wife, I need your help. Just smell my damn finger already.”

“No! Seriously, fucking stop!”

“I’ll stop when I have answers! Now tell me, does my finger smell like a hot dog?”

“Fuck… fine… it smells like cigarettes.”

“And my balls too, yeah?”

ADS sounded so sad when he talked to Rosie! I feel bad for the guy.

Julian took the win with a pair of near identical frontside reverses. 7.87 for the first seemed really high.

The second sealed the deal. Took flight at the buzzer. Tossed the worst Arsenio Hall Claim ever. Hop hop hop to the the inside, mini float to dry sand docking maneuver. Needed a 5.97. Got the 6.0. I’m okay with that.

But the claim was lame and Pottz agrees.

Not a big a fan of the claim halfway through it. Finish the wave first, maybe, then do it.

Fuckin’ preach, brother.

Seabass/Andino was another tedious affair. Both guys doing the best they could with what they had. But there wasn’t enough to work with.

In my mind Seabass got hosed. Paddled into one at the midway point, surfed it to the beach, kicked the fins through the lip on his backhand five feet from the beach. Judges gave him a 3.27, didn’t seem to consider the last one a make. But it was. He was on his feet, would’ve kept going easily had the beach not got in his way. I say 4.5. I say he won.

But I’m not up in arms about it.

Time for the ladies to paddle out. Men’s event on hold. I went to bed. Sorry, it’s sexist, but I know I’m not gonna be engaged in these conditions.

Woke up to see the quarters ran sometime during the middle of my night. Stoked at first, it must have got good with the tide change. Not the case, only a hair on the right side of competition worthy.

Asing’s surfing very well this event. Knocked out Banting in the first heat of the quarters. Used his tinyness to do well. Banting threw his hands over his head with every turn, hoped to god an end of heat single maneuver standard rev would get him what he needed. Exited with his best result of the year.

Toldeo/JJF again! Such a shame the draw put these two against each other in the quarters. Without a doubt the best two surfers this event.

But them’s the breaks, and there can be only one. 

John John opened up with cutback to slash. Tossed a fin kicker at the end. 6.67. Filipe followed on a better wave but bobbled early and couldn’t quite get his balance back. Good opportunity to take the lead early, those small mistakes earned him a 6.

I really do love Keanu Asing. Really wish he hadn’t thrown god into the mix while he was chatting with Mel post heat. Such a turn off.

What do y’all think about John’s 7.73? It won the heat for him and I like that. But… I mean… I think you could make an argument that Filipe’s 5.07 with under a minute left was more technically sound. Whip quick rotation on a smaller wave. Not as gnarly, but maybe more difficult?

Tough heat to call. Asing and John John are going head to head in the first heat of the Semifinal. Tough draw for Keanu. But if the surf doesn’t get any bigger I think he has a real chance.

Medina/Wilson was essentially half a heat. Ocean went dead at the midpoint, the boys basically bobbed around like a pair of potatoes from that point on.

But the beginning was a back and forth slugfest. Wilson looked on form, Medina was gonna have a tough heat. Then Gabby grabbed a lined up left with a little over twenty one minutes left. Took to the sky, rotated, landed on top of the lip and stuck it. Wiggled a hot dog finger claim at the sky, grabbed Julian by the pussy and showed him who’s boss.

Crybaby Gabi for President!

Medina used his next wave to put Julian to sleep. Started off with a little bonk to set his line, bottom turned straight into another, smaller, backside spin to flats. 6.9, and there was nothing Julian could do. Mother Nature made the call, refused to offer the Australian anything he could use.

Last up were Otton and Brother.

Kolohe immediately linked into one of the better waves of the day. Big frontside gouge, beautiful flowing cutback, solid snap, dead ball bonk on the end. 7.67. Otton was fucked. Very unlikely he’d get a similar opportunity.

Otton sat on a 1.33 single score for roughly twenty minutes while Andino caught everything he could. Kolohe found a 5.03 with nine and a half left, wrapped up the win before Otton could respond.

Kai didn’t lay down. Picked up a 4.03 and a 5.03 as the heat wound down. But he didn’t really have a chance. Bump and lulls and mush. Andino got the best wave early, surfed it right, and had his shit stitched up from the get go.

Finals day is all that’s left. Exciting potential for a Florence/Medina battle royale to end the event.

But first they’ve gotta make it through the semis. JJ’s facing an on point Keanu. Ditto Medina with Andino. Normally I’d say the results are a fait accompli, but this time I’m not so sure.

There’s a decent chance the underdogs will win, we’ll all bitch and moan, and Asing will take his first event ever in tiny onshore garbage. Because that’s just how life works.

Don’t forget to watch the Presidential debate today! I’m expecting a clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks. Rape allegations and pussy grabber accusations for everyone!

QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE SEMIFINAL MATCH-UPS:
SF 1: Keanu Asing (HAW) vs. John John Florence (HAW)
SF 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)

QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE QUARTERFINAL RESULTS:
QF 1: Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.04 def. Matt Banting (AUS) 12.67
QF 2: John John Florence (HAW) def. Filipe Toledo (BRA)
QF 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA)15.07 def. Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.13
QF 4: Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.70 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 9.93

QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE ROUND 5 RESULTS:
Heat 1: Keanu Asing (HAW) 11.00 def. Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 10.53
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 10.64 def. Adriano de Souza (BRA) 10.37
Heat 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) 13.87 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 13.84
Heat 4: Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.50 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 11.70