You are breaking my heart WSL CEO Paul Speaker. But
I'm coming to your house!
Damn you WSL CEO Paul Speaker.
DAMN YOU!
I know it is just the hurt talking. I know that my acceptance
letter may still be in the mail. I know it all in my head.
But my heart aches! It burns! I sent my application to be
your number one man, your right hand, your coffee getter,
international travel booker, neck massager four days ago…
FOUR DAYS AGO!
And still haven’t heard back.
Why?
You heartless son of a bitch.
WHY?
I have it all! I have a passion for and basic knowledge about
professional surfing. I can figure out the time zone difference
from here to Australia. I can put out the fire in your Samsung
Galaxy 7. I can work a computer. Your needs will never be put
second and not even for a second.
Is it because you are sexist? Is that why you haven’t hired me?
Because you are racist?
Why?
There is no good reason. None. You and I were supposed to be
together forever. I’ve started buying polo shirts you know. And
wearing khaki pants and tassled loafers. I’ve started talking like
a weird corn fed kook. Like I’m from Iowa. Like you. Just exactly
like you. We’re the same Paul Speaker!
The same!
Is my acceptance letter still in the mail? Maybe? Should I come
to your Venice adjacent apartment so you can tell me “Yes” in
person?
Oh that’s what I should do!
I’m on my way dearest Paul Speaker! Bringing a bottle of
champagne! See you soon!
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Portugal: “Medina’s out! No title!”
By Rory Parker
John John your champ! (probably)
We’re on again! Day three, remnants of round
two, all of round three, Rip Curl Pro Portugal.
Strider’s raving about the surf. Sooooo good. It’s been firing
here for days! Turpel got the tube of his life at this particular
bank yesterday!
We’ll see. Hyperbolic hype is the name of the game. It’s gotta
be better than yesterday.
But if it’s really been so much better here than at
Supertubos… what the fuck.
Still, let’s not start on a negative note. It could be worse,
whatever the case. I’ve a new appreciation for bad. I sat through
an entire episode of Flip’n Sk8s, the worst fucking thing
anyone has ever done in the history of the world.
Worse than In God’s Hands. Worse than Surf
School.
Worse than Surf House.
Worse than the vicious ingrown hair (I hope!) at the base of my
dick that I’ve been dealing with since I went a little overboard
with the manscaping last week.
Buchan/Banting got the day started in some surf with potential.
Once again it looks like a day that’ll hardly go down in history.
But it’s contestable. Enough energy to hold hope the tide turns
things on as the day progresses.
Even so, the first heat of the day didn’t hold much appeal.
Buchan kicked things off with a mid-six on an okay right. Banting
right behind him, surfed one to the inside closeout and tossed a
solid reverse for a 6.93. Matt looks like last event’s results have
given him a bit more confidence. He’s still doing that annoying
thing where he throws his back hand over his head with every turn,
but he’s surfing better than expected. Hire a style coach, or
something. Iron that shit out, I could become a fan.
Beyond that first exchange pretty much nothing happened for the
rest of the heat. Shitty waves, low scores, until the last minute
or so. Ace went backside and did a few not-very-good whacks.
Banting got a better one. ‘QS turned to the inside, did another
reverse, won by a bit more than half a point.
Seabass/Alejo up next. Not much better than the last. Only two
moments worth mentioning.
Seabass snagged a gorgeous right mid-heat, unleashed a carve to
crack to layback bash combo. He surfs so good when he’s surfing
good!
The next came when Strider interviewed Ace Buchan, who I’d
forgotten is the Surfers’ Rep. Ol’ Raspberry started off with a
nothing statement.
We got started out here on the right and we’ve been looking
at the left, so for you, in your mind, you had to make a
transition.
No idea what to make of that. I swear, if I didn’t know any
better I’d sometimes think Mr Wasilewski had never surfer a day in
his life.
Ace wasn’t feeling the empty chatter game. Unleashed some honest
opinion. (edited slightly for clarity)
Yeah, for sure, the right’s definitely better. It’s a little
bit high for the left at the moment. But, to be honest, it’s pretty
frustrating. You know, we’ve come here to move to a left hand bank
and it’s been pumping for three days and we’ve been sitting at
Supertubes watching closeouts. It’s meant to be the world’s best
surfers in the world’s best waves, and this is meant to be a mobile
event. To be frank it’s come, this move’s come two days too
late.
You could call Ace a sore loser, but it’s hard when the talking
heads have been spouting lines in total, if more
corporate-friendly, agreement.
Seabass beat Alejo. Yay for him. We both live on Kauai, which is
enough to make me a fan. I’ll admit, though, I don’t really like
seeing him in the water on breaks between stops. Especially if I
feel like I’m surfing well. Nothing kills that I’m-ripping
feeling faster than watching someone with actual skill.
Bourez and Freestone up next. Surfed well, got the blood pumping
a bit. Freestone opened up the heat with a single maneuver alley
oop for a 5.67. Bourez was next on an overhead left. First turn was
great. Super late, super hard, air drop to the flats. Poked it
vertical a couple times, then did his weird arched-back
extendo-snap on the shoulder. 6.83.
Freestone took the next. Backside floater, bonk, crack, crack.
Pretty good. 7.6 good? I don’t really think so, but that’s what
they gave him.
Bourez proceeded to sit out most of the heat. Let Jack have the
line up. Freestone paddled around, caught a couple waves, didn’t
improve on his score.
With a hair under six seconds left Bourez found the wave of the
heat, then bashed it to death. Gave an “I’m happy I’m winning now”
hand clap claim at the end. Freestone couldn’t find an answer.
Caught a gooey left as the clock wound down. Took his fifth second
round exit of the year.
Surf started picking up for Cathels and Ibelli. Overhead, open
shoulders. Enough power to really drive hard off the bottom and up
through the lip.
Ibelli made the most of it. Caught a pair of sevens, one high,
one low. Aimed his nose at the pocket, pushed hard, earned the
win.
What’s with all the pros forcing out babies these days? Ace has
one on the way, Bourez is playing Llama and ditching the preggo
wife at home. Gross. Kids are the worst.
This was the point I fell asleep. Damn time difference! But I
need my rest. Get very cranky when I’m tired.
Now I’m sucking down coffee, playing catch up. So many heats to
go. Good thing I have my new AeroPress! Got it as a gift, at first
I wasn’t too stoked. Makes one cup of coffee at a time? What the
fuck? How am I gonna suck down my daily pot’s worth? That’ll take
forever.
Turns out it makes more than one cup at a time, and it’s damn
tasty. Worth the effort. Strong and black and getting me absolutely
wired to start my day. Hooray.
Stu Kennedy got an easy draw against Dusty Payne. The kid from
Hawaii came out of the gates strong, then forgot how to surf.
Finished with a blown-opportunity back-up score of 1.23.
Kennedy’s had a magic year, considering he kinda lucked his way
onto the tour. I’m almost seeing shades of Machado. Kennedy surfs
so fast, light on his feet. No real power but plenty of style.
Unless this is a one-off year I can see a lengthy career in his
future.
Next up were Coffin and Young. Conner dispatched Nat without
much of a hassle. Solid power surfing, good wave selection. Nothing
mind blowing.
Final heat of round two, Asing/Igarashi, was a fairly mundane
affair. Igarashi was surfing better than he usually does. More
commitment, more power. Asing didn’t really come through.
I ate dinner at Kenji Burger last night, my new favorite
restaurant in Kapaa. Damn tasty stuff. They were playing surf
clips, lengthy Asing freesurf part came on. Fuck, he rips. Wish he
could do the same in a heat.
While I love Keanu I’m damn glad I knew better than to put him
on my fantasy team. Failed to back up France. Put Kanoa into round
three, where he’ll be facing ADS. I don’t need to be psychic to
know that’s as far as he’s going.
Banting and Kolohe got round three started in a boring fashion.
Both just surfing to make it through. Nothing challenging, not
worth watching. Kolohe won.
Wiggly and Parko got more engaging. Both guys in form, pushing
things. Joel found a sick one. Long backside tube, came out and
milked it to death. 9.33. Typical Parko steez.
Wiggles was ripping, but he couldn’t find the same waves Parko
did. Threw a few admirable hacks, didn’t play it safe. Just
couldn’t help the fact that Parkinson was the wave magnet.
Fuck… this is running long. Let’s hit fast forward.
Wilson/Andre was a tight one. Julian won by .07. I disagree.
Wilson’s final wave, a 6.47, was overscored.
ADS beat Igarashi. Yep. Of course. Kanoa picks up his ninth
thirteenth place result of the year.
Bourez easily beat Ibelli. Worth watching is his 9.7 with six
and a half left. I don’t see it. But it’s so far beyond the score
I’d drop I can only assume it looked different from the beach.
The next two heats were what we’ve been waiting for. JJF against
the wild card Frederico Morais, then Medina and Flores.
Beyond his family and friends, no one cares how Morais does.
We’re in a title race, let’s go John John.
Florence did the thing where he sits and waits for a good one.
It’s a tactic that’s cost him some heats. But not today.
His first wave, with about fifteen minutes left, was a safe and
sound, top to bottom flow, backside whack crack smack. Five turns,
each more critical than the last. Mr Florence can do better, but
he’s looking to win, not wow. Judges rewarded him with an 8.5,
which he promptly backed up with a 6.67 he could’ve sleepwalked
through.
Better’d the back-up on his next wave, 7.77. Left Morais needing
a 9.9 to get through. Basically combo’ed, only 3 and a half minutes
left.
John John’s through to round four. Up next are Medina and
Flores. Number two in the world because of WSL corruption!
Normally I’d call this a walkthrough for the Brazilian. Flores
doesn’t do well with tactics, melts down, beats himself. But when
Flores is on he is fucking on!
Medina came out swinging. Deep, if short, barrel followed by a
layback foam slash/reo thing. Looked cool, put him in the lead with
a 7.17. Flores on the next three waves. His first two solid, but
slightly off rhythm and off balance. Combined they put him in the
lead, but they weren’t enough to confidently beat Medina. He’d need
to do better.
Number three was better. Three hard backhand smacks,
ended it with a long floater. The whitewash rebound nearly caught
him, but he rode it out and solidified his lead with an even
eight.
The nerves got to Medina. Fell on his next three waves. Redeemed
himself a bit with a 6.77, then pulled into a worthless
closeout.
An opportunity came through, solid left that might’ve given him
the lead. Gabby consistently manages to find scores come crunch
time. But Flores wasn’t having it. Used priority to stuff the
Brazilian, cracked his way into a 7.07, extended his lead.
Six minutes left, Medina got a decent wave and surfed it very
well. Fins out hit, grab rail spin-slide, nothing cutback, ended
with a beautiful layback gouge. Probably not enough, but you never
really know where the score’s gonna go.
Unfortunately for Gabe, it was only a 7. Flores picked up the
next one using priority, linked his way into an even bigger lead.
7.7
With two and a half minute left Medina needed a 7.91. But it
wasn’t there. He found a nice tube to blob turn combo. Threw his
hands up, begging for the score. But it was nowhere near enough, no
matter how hard he tried to sell the lie.
Medina’s out in round three! No title for you!
Honestly, I don’t even care about the rest. John John’s gonna
win the title! I just know it.
Seabass knocked out Kerr.
Pupo beat Slater in a convincing fashion.
Coffin killed the Llama. Wonder if he regrets trading the birth
of his kid for a third round exit?
Stu Kennedy squeaked by Italo.
Jordy smashed Otton to bits.
That’s it for the day. Hasta mañana.
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Just in: Bob Martinez back on tour!
By Chas Smith
And Bruce Irons! And Scooby! It's a personality
bonanza! A rebel tour!
The Rebel Tour dream has flitted before our
eyes for many years now. Our brains understand what the ASP/WSL
serve up. Best surfers. Best waves. But our hearts, oh our aching
hearts, how they want more! How they want fire and spice,
personality and sugar. Swears! Cusses!
PASSION!
Well guess what? Tomorrow begins the waiting period for a
competition called Allianz Perfect Chapter.
It takes place over one day, at Pria do Norte in Portugal
and is pura tube riding event and features surfers with fire and
spice, with personality including:
Bruce Irons
Bob Martinez
Pedro Scooby
Damo Hobgood
Koa Rothman
Etc.
You can bet your bottom dollar that fines will not be handed out
willy-nilly. The the surfers will be able to have fun again!
Is this the start of something big? Something gorgeously
light?
Sunscreen that comes as a pill! How futuristic! How
Gen Z! But does it work?
Sunscreen is a sonofabitch. You know it. I know
it. Big pharma knows it.
Who likes it? Nobody wants to slick ’emselves in a stew of
unpronounceable chemicals every two hours. But you want
to get eaten up by a melanoma? Spend your last days affixed to a
chemo tube? Yeah, me neither.
Now, according to the NY Times, edible sunscreen is on
the menu. Instead of tubes of gunk rolling round the back of your
car and swipes of zinc on your seats a new future beckons: grab a
bottle of pills and shake out a little sun protection.
Every morning before Scott Kyle, a 53-year-old competitive
sailor from San Clemente, Calif., hits the water, he chugs an
orange-flavored beverage named UVO, a drinkable sunscreen intended
to fight off sunburn from the inside out.
The vitamin-rich cocktail, available
on the internet and at dozens of medical spas, tanning salons and
pharmacies across the country, contains 30 immune-boosting
antioxidants and other nutrients that, the makers say, help protect
and repair the skin from sun damage.
“Normally I would be sunburned for a
couple of days, and now I’m not,” Mr. Kyle said. “I’ve given it to
other sailors, and they notice a difference. Now they come up to me
and say, ‘Have you had your UVO today?’”
Mr. Kyle is not alone. A growing
number of outdoors enthusiasts are turning to new sunscreen
products that are said to protect the skin from harmful rays
without the need to apply — and reapply — messy lotions and gels.
But there is scant scientific evidence that the products actually
work, or whether they have potentially harmful side
effects.
In New York’s Hamptons, beachgoers
pass around bottles of orange pills called Heliocare and pop the
supplements as if they are a party drug. The herbal remedy is made
from a fern called Polypodium leucotomos that is native to Central
and South America, and its makers say that it helps the skin be
more resilient to the sun and maintain a youthful look.
Do the tabs work?
Dr. David J. Leffell, the chief of
dermatologic surgery and cutaneous oncology at the Yale School of
Medicine, said that he understood the appeal of these alternative
sunscreen products. “If you tell someone, ‘You can take this pill
before you go out or you can drink this nice, refreshing,
berry-flavored drink,’ they are hearing ‘magic bullet,’” he said.
“They think, ‘I’ll drink this, and then I can do whatever I want
because I’ll be protected.’”
But “there is no scientific evidence
whatsoever that UVO functions as a sun protector,” or that any of
these oral sunscreen products do what they say they do, Dr. Leffell
said. “There is a sucker born every minute.”
Skipper comes in on a wing and a prayer! Kids
disappear!
You might’ve seen this on our IG feed on
Monday. Real short: boat comes swinging through
a lineup, capsizes, kids get trapped under boat, two young
surfers go and save the kids.
The back story: two pro’s, Micky Clarke, who is seventeen and
rides for Quiksilver, and his pal Eithan Osborne, sixteen and
Volcom, are surfing Ventura Harbor. Pal Chris Papaleo is shooting
from the beach.
Suddenly, “There’s a boat joining the lineup and it ended up
catching a good-sized set,” says Mickey. “It seemed like it had no
awareness of its surroundings, just recklessly going through the
lineup and ended up capsizing.”
Mickey sees there’s a couple of kids onboard and when they don’t
come up after the boat goes over, yells for Eithan, who’s closer,
to get ’em out.
“They were under the boat for ten or fifteen seconds,” says
Mickey. Eithan climbed onto the boat and pushed down on one gunwale
so the boat would lift on one side. The kids, who were around nine
and twelve, swam out. Mickey and Eithan paddled the first kid to
the beach; Mickey went back and got the older one.
How was the driver? “The driver was the dad of the children,”
says Mickey. “And after he came up after flipping the boat he
started shouting, ‘My boat! My boat! I won’t let my boat sink!’ And
climbed on top until the harbor patrol rescued him. He had no
explanation for why he was driving through the lineup. He did
nothing to save his children.”
On the beach, the kids said “Thank you” but didn’t respond to
questions. “We don’t know whether they were in shock, couldn’t
speak, or couldn’t speak English,” says Mickey.
The story, and the footage, aired…everywhere. Mickey
and Eithan were on CNN, ABC, Fox 11 and KTLA.