Enough to make you laugh. Partly from true
amusement, partially from sorrow and disgust…
Lots of legal fun going on in our beloved
archipelago. Enough to make you laugh. Partially
from true amusement, partially from abject sorrow and disgust.
Kenoi faced a couple felonies, a couple misdemeanors, thanks to
poorly considered decisions to use government money to pay for a
stand up paddle board, bicycle, a shitload of booze, and multiple
trips to Oahu buy-me-drinkee bars.
If that last term sounds a tad racist, that’s because it
probably is. The polite term is “hostess bar.”
Irvil Kapua was allowed to resign rather than face charges,
while his wife remained of the force, steadily working her way into
a position of power.
Karen Kapua was ordered to repay the money stolen, plus an
additional $25k, and sentenced to sixty days in jail. She
will be allowed to serve her time on the weekends.
Sadly, the poor fuckers she framed in the course of her
employment weren’t given the same leniency. She had to cover up her
theft somehow, what better way than claiming it was used via
confidential informants to conduct drug purchases which, obviously,
never actually happened?
Let's get a little closer to Jon Pyzel, the shaper
to world champion John John Florence!
Some of the most exciting surfboard design is
coming out of a little factory in Waialua on Oahu. Here, you’ll
find the shaper Jon Pyzel, who is forty-eight, building boards for
the new champion of the world John John Florence. Pyzel is also,
nominally, the “best shaper in the world” after winning a
blind-fold contest starring Dane Reynolds, that appeared in Stab
magazine.
Pyzel has been making boards for John John Florence, who has
just-turned twenty-four, since the kid was five; since his mama
Alex brought the boys to see him at his old bay at Sunset
Beach and gave him two-hundred dollars for materials to build John
a board. The yellow four-six with halo of orange rails is
“hideous to look at” but now exists as a memorial of sorts to a boy
destined for greatness.
This interview was recorded between Waialua, Oahu, and Bondi,
Australia.
BeachGrit: Is that the fabulous Mr Jon Pyzel? Tell me
everything! Tell me about your current emotional position. Your boy
wins the world title; you scoop up the Stab prize as #1
shaper.
Pyzel: I don’t know about fabulous but it’s Jon Pyzel! I’m
pretty fucking happy. Happiness mixed with a little relief. I don’t
know. It seems like it’s been a long road.
BeachGrit: You must’ve seen John’s world title coming a
long time ago…
Pyzel: I felt like it was coming for a long time. It’s one of
those things, you never know until it happens. I believed in it,
but cautiously believed. I knew he had the talent, put it
that way. And I think the one thing that stands out the most to me
in this whole thing, especially being in Portugal and seeing his
whole situation, was that I literally feel like he…chose…
to win the world title. And it happened. He just went, ‘I’m really
going to do this.’ Without sounding arrogant, because that’s not
what I mean. I feel like the guy can do what he wants in surfing.
So he went, ‘Ok, now, this is what I want to do.’ Choosing to be in
that frame of mind, cleaning his way to do that. Pretty
fantastic.
BeachGrit: In the final, he really loosed
himself.
Pyzel: That was the after-party right there.
BeachGrit: Tell me about his little crew in
Portugal?
Pyzel: He was staying with his girl Lauryn (Cribb), his filmer
Erik (Knutson), and a good friend Brandon Wasserman, who’s like his
road manager. He does everything. Makes everything easy. That whole
group, they get along really good. It’s not some team
that’s…working. They’re a group of people who are happy to
be around each other. No one’s discussing heat strategies. All the
pieces were already there.
BeachGrit: I was surprised Mom John wasn’t there when
the champagne rained.
Pyzel: I know, Alex was super bummed. I mean, she was super
stoked but sad she wasn’t there. Those guys didn’t know the
numbers, that he could win the whole thing there. No one was
breaking down numbers at the dinner table. Once he was
in the quarters, or maybe even the fourth round, there was a point
when we realised… you can win this. It got down to,
win three heats and you’re the world champion. Six good waves. It
was pretty radical.
BeachGrit: There was very little negative electricity
clouding the air when he scooped up the title
cup.
Pyzel: Such a good thing, such a good feeling. Even the guys who
could’ve won it were stoked. I talked to Jordy and he was stoked
for John. No one was, like, ‘Fuck that guy!’ The best surfer is the
world champ. That’s a cool thing to see happen ’cause it doesn’t
always work out like that. As surfers it’s killer. It validates pro
surfing. This is the guy we think is the best surfer and he
won.
BeachGrit: Did you dance the night away?
Pyzel: Everyone was drinking beers at a nine-thirty in the
morning. There was a big fridge of Coronas and Sea Bass was leading
the charge. Even Kelly was drinking a beer and that’s rare. After
lunch we split. I went back to my hotel and had a nap. Woke up at
six, went to John’s house and him and his friend Kieron were just
getting in from surfing. He’d gone and surfed for two hours.
BeachGrit: Is there any amount of money, you think, that
could convince him to ride for another company?
Pyzel: I don’t know. You’d have to ask him. We’ve been through a
lot. He’s had people obviously come to him, and he’s ridden
different boards. And there’s been different times when I felt some
pressure coming from big companies. And I’ve told him, too,
’cause we’re pretty close friends, don’t feel like you have to ride
my boards, because we’re friends or because you owe me anything.
What has happened, for me, having a kid of that calibre, is it’s
challenged me and kept me working hard. I don’t want him on other
boards. I want him on my boards. I don’t think money is a worry for
him. He’s doing alright. If he was losing, or doing
shitty, he’d be looking for different boards. He’d change it. We’ve
had times when the boards weren’t working great so we worked on
it.
BeachGrit: In detail, can you describe his go-to board
for average three-foot waves. For waves most of us schlep around
in?
Pyzel: The Bastard is his favourite.
He’s been riding it for three or four years now. (Either a 6’0″ by
18.63 by 2 1/4 or 2 3/16ths.) More than a lot of surfers who ride a
totally different board in different conditions, he prefers to have
a consistent feel – straight up, standard short boards, made a
little bit for better waves than worse waves. He’ll make it work
when it’s less than perfect. My boards tend to be a lot flatter
than a lot of shapers. But this design is pretty curvy, with a
single concave through the bottom and a tiny, tiny double concave
in the fins. It tends to have a little more volume though the nose
and under the chest. Being bulkier up front helps in landing is
when the front foot is on the nose. It stabilises stuff there,
keeps the board out of the water.
He also tends to ride boards small relative to his size. He has
a narrow stance, watch him pumping down the line. Wide boards and
narrow don’t fit. The board will also hold. The things aren’t
sliding out. It’s not going to let go. He likes sensitive boards
that you can push hard.
BeachGrit: What’s your design philosophy?
I don’t have some sentence written down, but if you look at
my boards, they’re simple, they’re clean and I try to make ’em look
pretty.
BeachGrit: What did you shape today?
Pyzel: I shaped a ten-five, four inches thick, a monster for a
six-eight water polo playing guy. I just shaped a couple of six-o’s
for Jack Freestone. I shaped a ten-o, an eight-six, two
six os, I shape everything. And I just cut a new ten-five for John,
another big Bay board.
Apologies can be difficult to deliver but they soar
like poetry when done right!
Oh we humans sure are error prone! Always just
putting our foot right in it! I make enough mistakes for two people
every day. Sometimes three! But it’s how we react when caught out
in some mistake that defines us, no? A great apology makes up for a
thousand sins. Let’s read some of the best mostly context free
surfer apologies of all time!
Mick Fanning:Prior to the exchange with
the reporter, I had refused to speak with him because I understood
he worked for Stab magazine and that it had previously published
articles which I believed were racist and anti-Semitic. I strongly
object to views, statements and comments of that nature.
I acknowledge that my decision to use words that were
inappropriate – albeit in an attempt to be ironic, knowing they
were of the type favoured by the magazine – was misjudged and
wrong. I don’t have or condone any form of racist or, more
particularly, anti-Semitic view.
Wait. Is this an apology? No matter, I suppose. Bravo!
Noa Deane:I would like to apologise for my
actions 2 nights ago at the surfer poll awards, it was incredibly
stupid, what I said was not targeted at any of the surfers on tour
and they are on there because they are the best surfers in the
world I truly respect them and above all I’d like to apologise to
the people of Hawaii and any kids watching. I’m meant to be a role
model in surfing and my actions on the night were not appropriate
and that was not the time or place to voice that opinion.
My only goal was to raise the point of surfing not becoming
a corporate sport like football but I can see and acknowledge how I
came across and I am sorry…. I’m truly humbled to receive the AI
award someone who I looked up to as a kid and loved his surfing,
and can’t believe that I over shadowed the honour of with my
actions later in the evening.
Yes! full-throated and complete! Everyone included in the
apology party! But also totally unnecessary. Fuck the WSL!
Jamie O’Brien:I shook hands, everything
was cool, but he asked me to put my head down when I shook the
hand, and I was disappointed with the, like, “Jamie O’Brien bowing
down to me” thing. I went back and apologised and did the right
thing, but hey, he did wrong too, I wasn’t the only one. I’m not an
asshole and that’s not what I was pushing for. But it took off on
social media.
Ricardo Dos Santos was a fighter and a stud. So is Jamie O and
this apology sings!
Kelly Slater:
Remember this apology from the great Kelly Slater for
stealing Adriano de Souza’s thunder by releasing footage of his
magnificent wave pool not 10 hours after ADS won the crown? Adriano
doesn’t remember it either!
Australia’s Surfing Life:At Surfing Life
we absolutely abhor racism of any kind and actively work to
eradicate it from our culture. In the same issue, we extended five
pages of free advertorial space to a charity active in remote
Indigenous communities and while our respect for Otis is primarily
driven by his incredible talent as a surfer, we also admire the
fact he is a role model for many Indigenous
Australians.
An apology plus advertorial! A gift that keeps on giving!
Mick Fanning:It’s always great being home,
it was great to see everyone getting barrelled, everyone just sort
of is laughing. Obviously the crowd can be a bit crazy, but
apologise to anyone we burnt, but you know, when the waves are that
good…
Wait. Is that an apology? No matter, I suppose. Poetry!
The Youth Against Establishment stay True to
This!
Volcom, as you read right here just last month,
has completely gutted its surf and
snow programs. Decapitating all but a very few riders and most of
the long time management team. Littering the earth with headless
bodies. Cutting costs, theoretically. Improving the bottom line,
maybe.
Oh sure the dearly departed (Alex Grey, Parker Coffin, Quincy
Davis etc.) may not have sold the most boardshorts/swim gear ever
but that’s not the fucking point!
The point, I think, is that the brands are built on the backs of
those who actually do the thing. Those who live and die seasonal
deaths. Kicking back down through the ranks was a way to honor
that. And paying people to surf, snow, skate, especially no name
kids, represented the essence of a derelict dream. Or it did to
me.
Like a populist on his soapbox I railed against the Stone for
this grave injustice. This cowardly hit. This destruction of, dare
I utter the word, soul!
But, today, I have learned I was wrong!
It has been revealed that Volcom was simply saving pennies to
sign a major superstar. A gal so stylish that the floor melts under
her feet. A sweetheart who represents what we love to an
absolute T. A shred of the highest order.
The daughter of The Rolling Stones’ frontman Mick Jagger and his
ex-wife supermodel Jerry Hall is herself a supermodel and now the
face of Volcom. Let’s read from Vogue!
Georgia May Jagger might be the quintessential British cool
girl, but her style isn’t solely restricted to modish dresses and
Chelsea boots. As a newly appointed ambassador for Volcom, the
model has found herself incorporating ski, skate, and surf apparel
into her everyday wardrobe.
And with the brand’s launch of Simply Solid Swim, a
sustainable swim collection that’s made with ECONYL, a fabric spun
from recycled fishing nets, she’s working bathing suits into her
look, too. “I was wearing the ECONYL swimsuit like a crop top the
other day,” she says with a laugh.
Becoming the face of a swimsuit collection isn’t just about
posing for the camera, though. After shooting the campaign with a
group of Volcom surfers in Hawaii, Jagger was keen to try out the
sport herself. With the help of Volcom surfer Coco Ho, Jagger set
out on the beaches of San Clemente, California. “I was quite
nervous!” Jagger says. “I can sort of barely walk down the beach
without falling.” Sea legs not withstanding, it seems the model is
something of a natural on the board. “I was quite surprised because
I got up the first time. I was like, Oh, my God I’m surfing right
now,” she says, laughing. “After that, I was quite addicted. They
had to, like, drag me out.”
And I do apologize Volcom for I was very far out of line.
Georgia May Jagger, from an iconic and powerful family, represents
our passion, our esprit de corps. She is a youth against
establishment.
The look of disappointment in a child's eyes is a
sight to behold!
Happy Halloween! I guess, if you celebrate
it.
Derek doesn’t, ‘cuz he’s Australian. (I think.)
Chas doesn’t. ‘Cuz he loves Christ and refuses to participate in
anything that involves ghouls or ghosts or witches. It’s all black
magic! (I assume.)
I don’t because the combination of alcohol and masked anonymity
effectively turns off my self-restraint. Which is why I got the
shit beat out of me the last time I observed the holiday. Swore off
costumes and booze when I woke absolutely battered, pieced together
the previous night, learned I totally deserved the thorough
beating.
It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy,
committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of
pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get
snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex
dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.
Besides, Halloween sucks now. Gone are the days when unattended
children roamed the darkness in unsupervised cabals.
It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy,
committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent
Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used
to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were
okay with that. We knew the risks.
Now it’s nothing but well chaperoned daylight toddler walks.
Safety minded parental approval. Fucking pathetic.
Do you know how hard it is to steal a bag of candy from a child
when their parents are present? All adults look more or less the
same to children. But dear Mom and Dad are fully capable of picking
your ass out of a lineup.
My generation has turned into a bunch of sissy-pants helicopter
parents, and they ain’t letting their spoiled crotch fruit out of
sight. You’ve gotta be a real weirdo to take joy in costumed
children. Halloween should be about experiencing dimly lit fear and
danger while the grown-ups stay home and get wasted.
A lot of what was once considered good-natured fun is now
considered criminal activity. Want to hide in the bushes and
terrorize passing toddlers? Think again.
You can still wring some joy from the holiday. The look of
disappointment in a child’s eyes as you hand it a single piece of
the cheapest off-brand candy Walmart sells is a glorious sight to
behold. But if you’re looking to strike fear into the hearts of
strangers you’ve gotta get creative. Spooky music and faux spider
webs just won’t cut it at 3PM.
Since kids are off-limits, you’re left to target the chaperons.
Which is fairly easy with a little creativity. You don’t even need
to bother decorating or donning a disguise.
“Oh my goodness! What a lovely costume! Aren’t you all adorable!
I love Halloween. The terms of my probation state I can’t
approach within 200 yards of a minor. But tonight they come to
me!”