Listen: Our best (worst) podcast ever!

Rory's Wife

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Fall in love (or asleep) with Cori Schumacher!

Full disclosure: Derek hates this podcast. With a passion. Didn’t want to run it. Here’s the review he sent to Rory:

I find Cori’s opinions soft, predictable, conformist, complainist, her life story dull and her stories anything but spectacular enough to warrant asking our readers to give it an hour of their lives. I know you dig her stuff, and that’s cool, but I couldn’t find one moment that might lift the interview from complaint-fest to… 

how to change the world. 

If that’s what she’s trying to. 

I felt like I was stuck at a party in Portland listening to the same old tired tropes, getting drunker and drunker trying to drown out this grim women burning my ears. 

But, above all, it has zero relevance to our readers. 

Pretty harsh.

So I gave it a listen. Holy fuck, I could not disagree with Derek more. I found Cori to be intelligent, articulate, and downright inspiring. We all bitch and moan about shit that goes down in our respective communities. Cori not only successfully defeated a giant shoreline development, she one up’d herself and ran for local office.

An LGBT environmental activist winning in a Republican town, in the same election that gave us Trump? That’s pretty badass. Never one to keep my mouth shut, even when I should, especially when I should, I hit up Derek. Wrote what I knew was sure to rile him:

Rory said you don’t want to use the podcast with Cori. I knew when I listened to it you’d hate it. Progressive female LGBT activists don’t generally appeal to middle aged straight white guys. You’re either board or threatened by them. I get it. I assume you’re in the board/can’t relate category. No judgment whatsoever. Taste is just that.  

Worked like a charm. Anytime you mention to a straight white guy that they are a straight white guy, they get defensive. After all, they are the most oppressed people on the planet, right? Throw in the “oh are you threatened by women” insinuation and you’re sure to get a reaction. No harm in some occasional trolling.

I’m pretty sure Derek’s right though. He knows what he’s doing in the surf world. He created Stab. No magazine was more inclusive to women. Well, if they were willing to get naked and pose for faux artistic erotica.

Interesting that Derek was thrilled with the Anastasia Ashley podcast (Editor’s note: wasn’t. Didn’t want to hurt Rory’s feelings.). Pointed that out to him:

Fuck, you obviously felt that other woman, the butt model, I don’t recall her name, was interesting enough to post. And I thought she was terrible. I wasn’t the only one. The comments were brutal about her lack of substance and irritating affected accent. When Rory tried to get her talking about life all she could come up with was something along the lines of “I want to do good things, like help people and stuff.” From what I can tell, the only thing she’s ever done, is have a nice ass and post pictures of it to instagram. She’s interesting to you, but not me, and apparently not to BeachGrit readers either. And please don’t try to claim I’m somehow engaging in “slut shaming” like you insinuated Cori & Co. did. I’m as sex positive as it comes.   

Cori on the other hand, is a woman raised as a conservative Christian, comes out as gay, quits her athletic career to get an education, helps defeat a giant development project, then inspired by that experience, successfully runs for local government in a Republican area, that interests me. That inspires me. There are other people who will feel like me, people who read BeachGrit.

I’m willing to bet you have a lot more “intellectually muted left-wingers” that read BeachGrit than you think. Not everybody feels like you do and not everyone feels like I do. Isn’t a diversity of viewpoints awesome? 

After my incessant nagging, Derek caved. Probably just to shut me up:

I couldn’t agree less but I love the fire!

I’ll post when I get home….

Here’s Rory’s take:

I think you’re wrong about the podcast. I don’t think her story is dull.  I think it’s uncommon and would speak to a lot of people who don’t feel represented in the surf world.  And I think that’s a good thing.  Sexuality and women’s surfing is worth discussing, whichever side of the coin you fall on.

As far as the readers, I think they’d listen, some would get angry about it.  That’s fine, it’s still engagement. And we do have female readers.  

So, long story long, I harassed Derek into posting this. Sorry Derek. Now you know why Rory wants to strangle me.

I’m sure most of you will agree with him and hate it. Don’t blame Derek, blame me. But fuck, some of you might not hate it.

As Rory always says “leave your mean comments below.”

Redemption: A way forward for Gabi!

Chas Smith

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The most embarrassing surfer in history could become a hero!

It doesn’t get discussed as much as it should. I bring it up semi-regularly, as often as I can wedge it in, but still. The Gabriel Medina shaving his armpits video for Gillette is the most embarrassing, tone deaf thing any professional extreme sport athlete has ever done.

Ever.

It should be on daily loop in surf media. Or at least every other daily. Like, watch it again with Sterling Spencer.

Can you believe it? Can you really? Gabriel “Gabi” Medina shaved his chest and armpits for a video that was purposefully placed online.

It should have/did kill his career. But there is a way forward! A path for him to reclaim his self worth!

Do you recall the “double pits to chesty” commercial skateboarder Ryan Sheckler made for Axe body spray? Watch here.

And also embarrassing no?

But.

I was once at a skateboarding event and Ryan Sheckler was there and some fat kid shouted “Double pits to chesty! Do a double pits to chesty!” and he sniggered to his fat friend.

Wanna know what Ryan did? He looked up to the stands, nodded, kicked over to some ramp, launched, and in the air DID THE DOUBLE PITS TO CHESTY!

Since that day I have been a massive fan of Shecks. He gets it. He knows. He got paid to do something dumb and owned it afterward.

If Gabi showed any of that self-awareness I’d be a fan of his too. If he paddled out to Pipe during the Masters with a Gillette and proceeded to shave his armpits while the world looked on I would be praying for his return to number one.

Wouldn’t you?

John John Florence Twelve
Ain't having John John Florence as the world champ a beautiful, universal thing?

Watch: Ep #6 John John Florence in Twelve!

Derek Rielly

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A little reminder of how beautifully John John kicked the title… 

The web series Twelve has stolen my heart. And this ol pump is a calcified motherfucker. It ain’t easy to break into.

But, Twelve, the seven-part series that fortuitously documents John John’s world title year is something that’s going to linger. The music is subtle and sharply cut to whatever’s on screen. Slow-motion, drone, lifestyle, voiceover, nothing too much, nothing too little.

The series, called Twelve ’cause that’s roughly how long each short goes for, is the creation of the filmmaker Bill Ballard and is bankrolled by Hurley. It’s monied but it ain’t excessive.

This episode, which I suggest you watch now, throw on the headphones if you’re at work, give a kid an iPad if you’re a daddy, follows John through France (the drone angle on La Piste is sublime) and into the world title home straight in Portugal.

Remember how John won the title when Conner stomped Jordy in his semi with a nine-five tube? And remember how John John came into the final and surfed like a maniac, throwing spears on every wave?

It’s a sold to behold, to cherish, and remember.

Watch here! 

That's pretty much all of us, minus the boogs who don't count.
That's pretty much all of us, minus the boogs who don't count. | Photo: Turtle Bay

Discovered: Number of surfers worldwide!

Chas Smith

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The number 23,000,000 gets kicked around but how many of us are there really?

So I was poking around Stab yesterday for giggles and found the story Only 0.0000014 Percent Of Surfers Will Qualify For The Tour which asserted that there are 23 million surfers worldwide as its baseline. Since it was Stab no source was credited but I’ve seen this figure before and total bullshit right?

Right?

And let’s finally get to the bottom of this once and for all. We can do it!

Now, before we begin, self-identifying surfers don’t count. Those who like the image, look, feel but don’t actually get in the water. A “surfer” as far as it matters to us must surf. Also not boogie or SUP primarily.

Right?

We don’t need to put a hard number on how many times a week makes a surfer a surfer but let us suggest that at least once every ten days on average barring horrific injury or death. Once every fourteen days tops. On average.

Ok.

No way are there more than 1.5 million surfers in the United States. Let’s say Europe and Australia have the same amount, 750k each and that is generous for Australia basically implying that 5% of that whole population surfs but Snapper Rocks. And Bondi.

Let’s say Brazil has another 750k and the rest of the world another million. This all seems totally fair yeah?

That is 4.75 million surfers.

Where in hell did this 23,000,000 number come from?

4.75 million is the number we will use from now on unless you have a better idea.

Parker: “I’m off to Oahu!”

Rory Parker

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Goodbye hermit life. Hello Turtle Bay!

I’m packing my bags and cleaning my house. Off to Oahu for two weeks this Thursday. Running away to join the circus.

Playing surf journo sans cell phone may prove challenging. Maybe I’ll grab a burner at Walmart before I go. Maybe I won’t. We’ll see. Time will tell.

Am I looking forward to the trip? I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t exactly play well with others. I enjoy my hermit life. But no one really knows what I look like. I’ve been trying to wrangle Pyzel onto my podcast, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t know we’ve met. Multiple times. Lurking on the fringes should come easy.

Or maybe I’ll embark on a drunken rampage, get my ass kicked over words I don’t remember writing, fly home early with my tail between my legs. That’s a definite possibility. Though Derek probably wouldn’t be too pleased, since he’s footing the bill for this little adventure.

Won’t make to it the Surfer Poll awards. That shit’s tonight. Also, I wasn’t invited.

I loved reading who won when I was younger. Don’t know why I cared about them so much, but I did. Are they still relevant? Certainly is a big to-do. Hosting stuff at the Turtle Bay don’t come cheap. Maybe they get a break on rates because of the cross-branding bar deal?

Speaking of branding, the Poll awards are sponsored by a company that makes aluminum skateboards, a tire company, and that one gig that sells expensive flavored coconut water. Makes sense to add some sort of spice to the water. Pre-packaged coconut water tastes fucking foul. But I’m not the market. When I get a hankering for some coco juice I just go pick one. It tastes better, don’t cost nothin’, and I get to open it with a machete. Pour some rum in there and you’ve got a truly tasty beverage.

You know what I watched yesterday? Surfing World‘s take on Skateline. They’re calling it Weak Wrap, which is a clever play on words.

I wasn’t expecting much, it being a Skateline ripoff and all. Which is why I’ve been aware of it for a bit, but never took the time to hit play.

I’ll admit, my initial reaction was unfair. It’s actually good. Danny Johnson’s got a great delivery, I’ve truly enjoyed the few episodes I’ve watched so far.

And it’s not like Gary Rogers invented the faux talk show format. Though Weak Wrap does give a brief nod to their inspiration in the first installment.

Here’s the latest. Give it a watch.

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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