I was surfing swampy high tide lulls in
southern California this morning. The water was a bit chilly but
not too bad. The sun was dancing in and out of clouds. A man
paddled out with a neoprene swim cap covering his head. Since it
was so swampy and high tide lully I had much time to ponder and my
first thought was, “Wussy.” But my second thought was, “I wonder if
his wussy swim cap is going to protect him from surfer’s ear?”
And my third thought was, “Pterygium (surfer’s eye) is so
unattractive.”
And my final thought was, “Are surfers ugly freaks?”
Are we?
Do we maybe think, after watching lots of surf movies and
reading lots of surf magazines, that we look something like
this?
Or fantastically rugged dispositions, jaws cut from granite,
clear eyes gazing into a brave future like this?
But with surfer’s ear and surfer’s eye and sun damaged skin and
paranoia born of fighting over swampy high tide lulls with a bunch
of wusses do we really look something like this?
Look at yourself honestly in the mirror.
Well. At least we have each other.
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Jordy Smith's vicious, malicious and, on a good day,
delicious! Wins Vans World Cup! | Photo: WSL
Just in: Jordy Smith Wins Vans World
Cup!
By Rory Parker
Sunset Beach electrified by the world number
two!
Crazy weather in our delightful archipelago this
week. Rain rain rain. Post storm glass-offs are firing. I
had my first surfing shark encounter of my life yesterday. Cracked
wise to the wife before paddling out. “Yep, sunset session at a
river mouth after heavy rain. Super smart idea.”
Decent-sized black tip, somewhere between six and eight feet
long, surfaced and thrashed a few feet away. Spooky! Line up
cleared immediately. I nearly booked for shore myself, but one
courageous soul reminded me that’d be stupid. They’re always there.
I see them when I dive. It’s a little scarier when there’s zero
feet viz, but no reason to panic.
We got the line up to ourselves for half an hour. It was very
fun. I’m glad he was there to lend me some balls.
Today wasn’t nearly as good, but still very fun. Got in a good
session, came home to see that Sunset looking pretty good too.
Sunset’s an odd wave, in the contest of competitive surfing. It
makes for killer still photos, often disappoints on video. It’s
impossible to appreciate how difficult it is to surf from behind a
computer screen. Usually looks like a semi-mushy closeout. Provides
mostly low scores. Doesn’t really present a lip to hit, only
occasionally offers a makeable barrel.
But it’s another story from the lineup. Grinding power, massive
amounts of water moving around. The pros may paddle out on six
sixes, but there’s a reason the guys who love the wave appreciate a
lot of foam. Deep water scary spot. Easy to imagine under-the-lip
takeoffs, but a normal human needs a plank that’ll get them in
early.
I tuned in in time to catch Zeke Lau sneak though the first
quarter final heat with a buzzer beater 5 point something. Good for
the local kid. Replay shows that Frederico Morais was ripping.
Slater’s still in it? Crazy stuff. Billy Kemper’s gonna do well.
He’s got the solid wave comp scene dialed these days. Might be
because six foot Sunset ain’t shit compared to Jaws. More than
enough to intimidate us normal folks, just a small fun day to a
true charger.
Quarterfinal two was all about Kemper and T. Gudauskas. Super
committed turns. Kemper hammered that rail into the face, put every
ounce of strength into some delightful gouges. Unfortunately for
Kemper, while he dropped some beauts he couldn’t link them for the
score. Jack Robinson, on the other hand, could. Kemper may be the
better surfer at Sunset, but Jack’s the better competitor.
Meister and Slater slid into the semis during the next heat. I
was distracted by Meister’s OAM sticker. I always forget that’s
still a company.
Meister threw a frontside finner that came as a shock. You can’t
do those at Sunset.
Who was it that did the reverse a few years back? I’m drawing a
blank.
A wicked storm blew through during lunch, but it’s gone dead
calm again here on Kauai. I’m having a hard time justifying
watching surfing rather than going surfing.
Parko and Jordy spent most of the fourth quarterfinal putting on
a rail clinic. Surfing so smooth, so pretty. But Ewing and Andre
both found solid scores in the final five minutes. Ewing unleashed
on a right, but with a 2 something back up he was done. But Andre
got lucky. 8.17 for an out of control backhand off the top to carve
to reo. I don’t know, I thought the score was a bit high. But I’ll
give it to him. Andre needs the points to stay on tour, I think.
Parko got knocked to third, Andre scraped into the semis.
Too bad that John John got knocked out in an early round. But
he’s still got a shot at wrapping up the Eddie, the Title, and the
Triple Crown in the same year. That’d be pretty sweet. Damn hard to
repeat.
Though, as far as the Triple Crown goes, and I know I’m not the
first to point this out, the fact that the final event is a ‘CT
number does hand an unfair advantage to guys on Tour. Morais is on
fire in Hawaii. Second at Haleiwa, looking like a win at Sunset is
likely. But he’s gotta battle through the trials to get into Pipe.
Just like Rick Kane!
I think that’s how it works. I’m never sure with the Pipe
wildcards. Changes too often to be certain. I’ve got Eddie
Rothman’s phone number written down somewhere. Maybe I should call
him and ask.
I go back and forth with my feelings about Sunset. On one hand,
it’s such a waterman wave that it would be great to see it on tour.
It’d play spoiler every year, be a near guaranteed loss for all the
beach break specialists. But there’s only so many comp days you can
run, and it’s great that the less famous heads get multiple chances
to shine. I guess I can take it either way. Change is good, but the
current system works well enough.
Oowee! Gudauskas is playing tactics in the final minutes.
Chasing Zeke Lau across the lineup, trying to keep him off a wave.
I think there’s a lot of drama going on I don’t understand.
Qualification points or something. Maybe one of our lovely readers
can enlighten me in the comments.
It worked for Gardaflopulous. He and Morais are in the
final.
Semi two is kind of dragging. Jordy got a smoker, not much else
going on.
But Ross and Kaipo shared some knowledge that sheds light on the
Triple Crown scenario. Apparently Morais gets a spot at Pipe
because he’s leading the Triple Crown rankings. That’s good.
Kaipo’s good too. WSL needs to put him on desk duty more
often.
I got stung by a bee a few nights ago. Inside my home, at around
midnight. It was the second most unexpected sting I’ve ever got.
The first was when I went hiking in Ojai and a wasp flew up out of
a pit toilet and stung my ass while I was taking a shit.
I blame it on my landlady’s son. The bee, not the wasp. He keeps
hives on the property, always leaves wax strewn around after he
harvests. It’s kind of annoying. Not a huge deal, bees don’t bug
me. The biggest problem is accidentally stepping on the gobs of wax
and then having to scrape it off your shoe.
He always gives us free honey. Pretty nice of him. They sell the
shit for ridiculous amounts of money. People claim the organic
Wailua honey has all sorts of healing powers or something. I don’t
really care for honey, honestly. But I like the idea of it so I’ve
always got a few jars in the cabinet.
Fucking Slater. Never enters Sunset, gives it a shot and almost
makes the final. Of course.
I thought he had it locked up, but Meister’s little snap to
layback off the top combo was enough to sneak into second.
Slater almost got it back with an inside barrel, but no dice.
Still…all hail the king.
Final’s in the water. Mel says Gudasuskaks needs a first or
second to qualify for next year. Pretty slow start. Jordy got a
good one. Plenty of sitting.
Morais waited it out, found a good one, surfed it well. 8.23 put
him in the lead.
Mel set the wildcard situation straight. Morais only gets a spot
in the Pipe trials. Still gotta battle his way into the main
event.
Seventeen minutes left. Wind at my house is still dead. I’d much
rather be surfing. Hopefully Morais will grab a ten in the next
minute, I can call it for him, then bounce the fuck out.
No such luck. Meister and Jordy both found gems. Jordy’s layback
was fucking nuts. Jordy in the lead with 15.06. Morais now sitting
second.
Morais got a good one, but didn’t get the score. Jordy held the
lead for the rest of the heat.
Jordy Smith wins the Vans Sunset Pro. Cool, great, hooray.
I’m out of here. Couple hours of sun left, I’m gonna go slide
some waves.
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Rumor: Gabi daddy banned from WSL!
By Chas Smith
For allegedly making threats to judges! Death
threats!
Gabriel Medina and his step-father Charlie’s
relationship is as storied as any modern romance. Where would the
younger Brazilian be without a steadying hand? Where would the
older Brazilian be without access to riches and fame? Oh how the
love between them is so thick you couldn’t cut it with even a brand
new Gillette! So strong that you couldn’t explode it with a Samsung
Galaxy 7!
But our world is dark and evil forces, tougher than Gillette
stronger than Samsung may be conspiring to keep the two apart.
I was informed today that Charlie has allegedly been BANISHED
from the shoreline during World Surf League events for one calendar
year. Purportedly EXPELLED into outer darkness. And have you seen
him on the beach thus far? The camera always pans to him but no.
You haven’t. And why?
For supposedly maybe possibly threatening to OFF a surf
judge whilst in Portugal. Perhaps murderous threats. Feasibly death
threats.
Aye but love. True love.
And do recall when Gabi daddy, after stepson was defeated in the
Hurley Pro, turned to the
cameras and said:
I feel sad because they are clearly locking Gabriel. Just
imagine if athletics would lock Usain Bolt. Or if swimming would
lock Michael Phelps. It’s not cool. The kid born for the sport. He
goes there and win, but sadly, five people here define what is good
and what is bad. Its like a dictatorship.
A dictatorship!
So really, let’s be sincere here and study the facts.
If Charlie did indeed make threats to surf judges whilst
in Portugal and if surf judging is indeed a dictatorship
then isn’t Gabi daddy a freedom fighter? Part of La
Résistance?
Also, if he is doing it for love also doesn’t this quite
basically make him Romeo to Gabi’s sweet Juliet?
Yes?
Is Gabi daddy a mix of Che Guevara and Lothario?
Such poetry!
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Sharks: “A Town in Anguish!”
By Derek Rielly
How did a 70-click stretch of coast become ground
zero for Great White shark attacks?
You hardly need me to remind you that the little
stretch of coast from Evans Head to Byron has
become ground zero for Great White attacks, an honour Cape Town and
Margaret River were thrilled to relinquish. A potentially lucrative
upshot if you’ve got a dive biz for thrill seekers or if you’re a
surgeon specialising in combat wounds; not so great if you
surf or if you’ve got little kids who like to catch a couple
of reforms on their foamies.
Anyway, the government is about to drop nets and, good god, the
you should see the weeping from the snowflakes who view it as the
extermination of an entire species. You’d think kittens were being
throttled in front of their mothers.
The reporter and surfer Fred Pawle has taken an active interest
in the events and the public’s response. And, this week in The
Australian, he presents a six-part series, with video, that
provides the most comprehensive reporting yet on the saga.
In today’s episode, The Families, moms talk about spending
every day shivering with fear that a husband or a kid’s going to
end up in a box. And, as summed up by the shaper Phil Myers.
“I’m just worried about my kids and my friends’ kids,” he
says.”The mood in the water is a lot different. You don’t just
paddle out and look for the waves and sit around and chat and
everything. Everyone’s sort of looking this way, that way and up
and down the beach, or you know, waiting for the helicopter to come
over.”
Myers knew the region had changed when he went surfing at
Shelly Beach one day in late 2014. “I was just out on my board,
talking to some of my son’s mates, and I turned around and this
thing came around behind me,” he says. “I was only 50 yards off the
beach. And it laid beside me and I sort of sat on my board and
looked at the tail, and then looked right along it. It was like a
front of a jet, with these huge pectoral fins sticking out and this
great big pointed nose.
“I just turned around the guys and said, ‘There’s a fucking
white pointer down here, sitting right beside me’.”
A few months later, Tadashi Nakahara, a father and local
surfer, was attacked and killed at the same beach. “It was like
they arrived overnight,” Myers says. “It’s just not normal, mate.
It’s not normal.”
Upcoming episodes include: The Conservationists, The
Surfers, The Politics and Science, The Business Owners and
Solutions. A new ep every day from today until Saturday.
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Watch: A scandalous dance!
By Chas Smith
No! Not Gabriel Medina in his bathroom again!
Something good!
There is something about cold not good waves
that turns me on, visually. Maybe because I grew up in cold not
good waves and know the struggle, intimately. Maybe because cold
not good is often striking and picturesque. Maybe because… I don’t
know. Maybe it’s just a personal kink.
Whatever the case, I very much like this short film starring
Zakary Grey by Howard Groves is just the thing. A little funny
acting, a little fun voice over, a lot cold not good waves.
