Alt-Right: WSL stokes nationalist fire!

A new day has dawned!

With Marine Le Pen, Pooty-Poots, Trump, etc. all on the march rabid nationalism is on the rise! And while this development may strike fear into globalist hearts it is exactly what the World Surf League Samsung BOOM! Tour has been missing don’t you think?

The League today threw gas on the fire with a provocative piece titled European Pride Soaring Thanks to Rookie Trio. And doesn’t that sentence feel like it came straight out of the National Socialist style guide?

It sure as hell does.

Brexiter Paul Evans writes:

In the mid 2000s a surge of European surf talent swept onto the elite Championship Tour (CT), threatening a major sea change in Tour demographics. As the 2009 Tour began, six European surfers from four different countries set off to conquer the seven seas, buoyed by a wave of optimism not seen since the days of the great navigators. But since that year of promise, it’s been been eight long seasons since a European rookie arrived on the men’s CT, pulled on a competition jersey and paddled out to do battle against the best of the best.

But finally, the wait is over.

This year, a potent triumvirate of European rookies — consisting of a Frenchman, Joan Duru; an Italian, Leonardo Fioravanti; and a Portuguese, Frederico Morais — will lead their continent’s professional surfing renaissance. All three will all look to bring old-continent flavors to what’s promising up to be a stacked new world order.

Each word drips with England-for-the-English condescension while also dividing the tour along national, or at least regional, lines which is going to make 2017 the best year yet. Where we used to cheer for individuals I feel we will now be cheering for country. Some of us may even cheer for race. And while vile, in theory, it will create a boisterous new atmosphere.

But do you think the WSL will continue to stoke this fire from the commentary booth throughout the year?

Will Ronnie B. slip into talk about deconstructing the administrative state while lobbing softball questions to Pottz?

Will Joe T. say, “…little jam into the lip and, if you look at the lines of work, I would break it up into three verticals or three buckets. The first is kind of national security and sovereignty. … The second line of work is what I refer to as economic nationalism…”

Will Pottz say, “Yah Ronnie… The divide is no longer between the left and right but between patriots and globalists.”

Stay tuned!

The outright crazy Keoni "Cheeseburger" Nozaki. He spins like a top!

The One Surf Visual to Watch Today!

Three pals travel to Cabo… 

Are you attracted to surfing because it hits pause on life’s grotesque absurdity? That it gives you the power to become something else, even for an hour or two? A private fantasy?

Today, I received an email from the filmmaker Joe Alani. It read: “My brother and I took a trip to Cabo with Cheeseburger and friends. We put out an edit. Do you think there’s room for it on your site?”

Yup, maybe. Let me watch.

I’ll be honest. I’m kinda done on surf shorts, most of which have descended into farce or at least shining examples of bourgeoise seriousness. Millionaire surfers carried to a wave. Closeups of the surfers suffering from a paralysing morbidity. A study, if you want it, of a good, or great, surfer’s technique. But it ain’t film.

This little five-minute short grabbed me a little because it claims nothing of cultural value.

It disregards many of the conventions of the modern surf short. It is low on moody atmospherics. There are no jazz or obscure eighties tracks. The surfers appear to be having a whale of a time.

It doesn’t pretend to channel Truffaut or Wes Anderson.

But it’s something. Surfing you can relate to. A couple of beers speared. A brilliant holiday mood.


Kelly Slater gently scolds BeachGrit!

And he is right! The low hanging fruit don't taste so sweet!

Kelly Slater is one of our favorite subjects. We have had his name in the title lock so often that a cursory Google of BeachGrit delivers a veritable treasure! Who could ever forget such classics as:

Opinion: The terrible legacy of Kelly Slater!

Kelly Slater: World’s worst pitch man!

Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs. Decorum!


Just in: Kelly Slater swings at “next level dipshits!”

The man is our joy. And it my seem like we joke lots and lots because we do joke lots and lots but it is always with a hefty amount of goodwill. Public figures like Kelly Slater are wildly rare. Exceedingly rare. Scrutiny and trolls have rendered most to button their lips entirely. But Kelly keeps offering his thoughts, his feelings, his opinions and he keeps taking pokes for them.

Like when he Instagram commented on Jeremy Flores feed that the sharks of Reunion should be culled. It was a nuanced take on a very serious problem. Of course Kelly doesn’t wish for the death of sharks across the board but he recognized that a particular imbalance exists on the French isle.

But then our own dear Michael Ciaramella jumped in poking Kelly in the eye. I read his story and winced slightly. We tap dance here we try not to stomp and Michael’s bit of irony dripping with sarcasm was… heavy footed.

Kelly’s commented on our Instagram, graciously, “Tricky, touchy subject. But Reunion appears to be an anomaly when you consider attack rates across the globe. And of course @beach_grit would be the first to grab the low hanging fruit instead of consider(ing) the (emotional) context.”

Ooooh I winced again but this time fully. He is completely right. Nuance is slipping away in our increasingly polarized world. We should be encouraging non black and white responses to problems with our dance, not pushing readers, or Kelly Slater, into an either/or proposition.

And so for the second time in BeachGrit‘s wonderful history I’ll stand up and shout, “We were wrong!”

Long live nuance!

The Absolute Best Hawaii Team House!

Pipeline is nice but who's really got the snuff?

Every Hawaii season there are very many contests but one matters more than rest. It is not the Pipe Masters nor the Punani Cup nor even The Eddie. This competition revolves around which team house is the absolute chillest to chill at. Let’s break down the 2016/2017 ratings.*

4. The Billabong house is always pretty dank. It’s big, ganja green, and right at Off the Wall. What’s not to like? This season the Billy Boys threw a few impressive ragers, but the overall vibe seemed a bit edgy — like at any moment someone could bust in the door and smack the living shit out of the team manager. A fun place to get sideways, but overall not super dope.

3. The Volcom house is a North Shore staple, often producing the loudest tunes and meanest grinds on the strip (Kaiborg does a mean BBQ). Local lore dictates that you need expressed written consent to enter the premises, but when you bring a couple kegs over the boys are such legends! Weirdly none of their team riders were around, so Riddle and I just sat around and pounded a few brewskis with a cardboard cutout of Noa Deane. Pretty chill IMHO.

2. The Weedmaps house — new kids on the block! Super stoked to see some open-minded individuals penetrating the authoritarian surfing industry. What more, they got a dank-ass mansion with a pool and surround-sound speakers to blast some vintage Sean Paul! With a plethora of herbs and spices circulating the domain, it’s safe to say this was a properly irie dojo. Would chill there again. (P.S. Dirt Nasty you still owe me twenty bucks! Haha just playing he’s crazy love that guy.)

1. The RVCA house is like a crazy symphony, man. They’ve got all these majorly different dudes like Luke and Bruce and Betet and everyone seems to be on their own wavelength which is a little confusing at first but once you really listen to the vibrational cacophony you start to realize how harmonious it sounds and it’s fucking trippy, but like in a good way. Just being present in that natural amphitheater made me reconsider a lot of things I was taking for granted in my life, and for that, the RVCA house is my pick for the absolute chillest house on the North Shore in 2016/2017.

Oh and all their team riders can freaking shred that shit too. Peep this crip clip.

*Disclaimer: The author did not, and has never chilled at any of said houses. All characters and scenarios have been completely falsified for the sake of this dope (but untrue) review.

Art: The Inertia’s high water mark!

It is an achievement of the human will!

Most artists toil in mediocrity. They have a vision, a spark, some initial drive but it all too easily and all too often gets lost somewhere between idea and reality. This dissonance, though, is what makes great art so great. It is an achievement of the human will. A rare breakthrough. A moment in time that resonates across time and space.

Let’s take for example the Mona Lisa, Beethoven’s 5th, John Kennedy Toole’s The Confederacy of Dunces, Beyonce’s Hold Up. Etc.

And The Inertia‘s Zach Weisberg just reached this plateau. This rarified air. Or rather he reached it a few weeks ago but great art is eternal.


And thus begins:

I might be the least qualified human to test-drive a new vehicle and speak with any degree of authority about the experience. I know jack about cars. I don’t drive them for performance, racing, sportiness, etc… or understand much about what distinguishes good from great. I never even learned to drive stick. I realize no self-respecting man should never commit that last sentence to print. Or pixel. But it’s true. I grew up in a world of automatics, and for the sake of transparency, felt we should get those formalities out of the way before proceeding further. I’m not an automotive expert.

And then:

…This becomes that much more interesting when framed with the question most relevant to our readership: Will Chevy’s new electric vehicle work for surfers and outdoor enthusiasts?

Which lead to:

And I was curious about this. Does this car actually work for surfers?

In a very complex form of heavy-duty, professional vehicle testing, I put one of Henry’s shortboards in the trunk. It fit! Henry says he also stuffs his 10’ paddle board into the car no problem.

Before ending:

So if you can get to the beach and kill fewer things – like your wallet and your earth – in the process, the Chevy Bolt EV is worth a serious look. Right now, the vehicle is only available in California and Oregon, though it will roll out to the rest of the country this year.

And shit! I mean… shit! Art! We have a man who cannot drive a stick shift, a 10 foot paddle board and an electric-ish car on The Inertia.

SHIT! I mean…

Read the entire monument here.