But the sun also sets!
Few things give me as much pleasure as reading Longtom’s analyses on BeachGrit. Matt Warshaw and Derek Rielly’s conversations, when Mike Ciaramella calls me a kiss ass, when Ian Kanga Cairns calls me a gutter writer. Those things, maybe, but Steve Shearer sure does know how to keep me giggling.
And, very quickly, what is protocol with handles? Am I supposed to use Longtom only or is it ok to also use Shearer? I’ll defer to his judgement.
In any case, Kelly Slater. Steve wrote:
For now, lets look at Kelly’s numbers. They’re bad, man. How bad? Real bad.
Kelly rode 44 waves for an average wave score of, what? Take a guess. Five? Six?
3.87.
Under four in surf that was mostly good to great Snapper Rocks, one of the most rippable waves on earth. Only one of those 44 waves (2.27%) made the excellent eight-plus range. A perfect wave he flubbed so badly it should have been a 10. That wave was the source of the awks Fanning locker-room, bun-in-the-oven exchange (more on that in a minute.)
His average heat score after seven heats including today is a princely 12.57. It’s a miracle Kelly made the quarters at Snapper. His is a surfer in steep decline, according to the numbers.
Normally I would mock, for fun, and offer some anecdotal evidence to Kelly Slater being different, better. Him lulling the competition to sleep with poor performance only to wack on the head with an unprecedented dance at Bells, or something. Except I was just with my favorite ever surfer, the great Michael Tomson, and we were talking about Pipeline. I asked if he still surfed out there and he said:
Never! Wouldn’t even CONSIDER it. It is terrifying, man. There comes a point in time when it doesn’t matter how hard you’ve trained, how fit you are, how many hours you’ve put in, how good your equipment is. Fuck all. you’re still not going to make that drop and it’s because reflex. You don’t have that reflex. At the time you’re not thinking. But thinking can get you caught from behind.
That point in time comes for everyone. Has it officially come for our Kelly?
I’m a baseball guy, and will throw down a saying that rings true in any sport. The game tells you when to hang up your cleats. Absolutely no one is immune to this fact. The nail is already driven into the wood, and Kelly’s cleat laces sure look like they are tied together to me. It’s just a matter of placing the loop on that nail that remains.
I’d be curious to see the viewership stats for early round heats that include Kelly vs. those that don’t. I’m going to guess he still has a draw.
The question becomes: Why?
Do we think he is still worth watching or are we waiting for the train wreck?
same reason Tiger still does
Wow – this article inspires everyone to state their age!! i’m between 40 and 45 then
Kelly was born just a couple of weeks before me and I have to say that this shit is true. Getting old sucks. There are waves that I surfed well 5 or 6 years ago that I really don’t surf anymore. Of course I spend the majority of my time living the American Capitolist Dream so my personal fitness and surfing time take a backseat to the all mighty dollar.
I think there is a roll for Slater staying relevant in surfing. He keeps guys my age inspired to hit the waves and that’s good for surfing’s businesses side since we have the money to buy shit.
capitolism, its what’s for dinner
lol I just left a nearly identical comment on the newer post. boards looked like shit last year, look like shit this year.
He tried to buy one and got denied. Any board he rides that looks like a CI will only give credence to CI. Marketing Shyter Designs comes with a price.
You gotta give us some details, my dude.
be funny as fuck seeing him send his chick in a disguise to grab something off the rack
You’re writing a book about cocaine and surfing. And you’re with Michael Tomson. Coincidence?
The sad fact – for those of a certain age – is that Kelly’ surfing ability has been superseded by pros with middling ability – and we see this reflected in ourselves. Anyone under the age of 30 is probably pissing themselves at the sad parody he’s become. He’s a Ben Stiller character. If I knew anyone under the age of 30 I’d make a point of asking them about it, but the little fuckers just surf circles around me.
Is Little Mikey C willing to bring his youthful exuberance to the table on this?
Kelly phase 2, please…. quits competing, stays on tour as a total boss… commentating, interviewing, scaffolding supervisor… hopefully turning up two weeks early and staying on a week post comp, dropping edits and embarrassing tour surfers with his performances for another decade {or two}
No disrespect, but he reminds me of a scarf wearing middle aged man driving a champagne coloured convertible Porsche.
Sure, it’s the fastest car when the lights go green, but Dude, the colour! and that flowing scarf?
Scaffolding is to remain the domain of Kiwis and only Kiwis.
Aussie mining joke (truth), as seen from Chas
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Holly shit. I’m 45 and I’ve just ordered a champagne colored 7’6″ fat board. I won’t ride it with a scarf, but it looks like I’m almost dead…