The stairway to hell beckons!

Watch: Pat G Explodes Under Equatorial Sun!

Who knew surfing could be so... jazzy?

I’ma be honest with you. I’ve gotta run out the door in like… ten minutes so this will be brief.


I saw this video and thought of you, loyal readers!

Here’s what’s up: The opening scene put me in a great mood. Upbeat music, fun animations, and the distinctive turquoise brine of that blessed Caribbean Sea!

Some highlights include: the quick and vicious combo at 1:28 and the tube from hell at 5:30. I cannot, for moral reasons, declare that Pat G has been gifted with flawless fundamentals, but he makes up for his shortcomings with a spring and zest that is truly contagious.

Short story short, this clip will make you want to surf more than anything I’ve seen in the past week. That’s especially counting Jordy’s Just Now.


Will you have Julian Wilson on your team? Me yes! | Photo: WSL

Fantasy: Who’s Hot in West Oz?

Secrets of the game revealed...

I don’t know about you guys and gals, but I don’t fux wit the WSL Fantasy League. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but has always been my bread and butter. I actually placed 33rd in the world at the end of the 2015 season. (Still bitter about that misplaced prize pack too, Negs. I yearned for those woolen socks you had so carefully knitted.)

Anywho, this fantasy discussion will take place in the realm of fantasysurfer If you don’t have an account, make one. I actually think there’s still a BeachGrit club. Maybe let’s reinstate that bad boy, Negs?

1. John Florence: 12.5 mil

WA’s raw power and offshore-turning sideshore winds suit John to a T. Whether it’s Box, Main Break or North Point, it’s safe to say JJF’s the favorite in the field. John also loves being in WA. It’s one of his favorite places in the world thanks to the surplus of surf and relative dearth of humanity. My only concern is that he’ll lose focus on the event thanks to all the nearby distractions. Kid-in-a-candy-store syndrome.

2. Julian Wilson: 8 mil

You didn’t listen, did you? You fell for the hypebomb that was Wayward and threw Julian on your Snapper team. But I warned you. Jules doesn’t do well at Snapper because his wide-stanced, rounded-out surfing doesn’t fit the wave’s steep transitions. But if Julian and Snapper are oil and water, Julian and WA are peanut butter and bananas. Much like John, Julian’s surfing is built for WA’s open-faced, delightfully wooly surf. Box, Main Break or North Point, Jules will succeed.

3. Michel Bourez: 8.5 mil

Strong wave need strong man. Big wave come. Michel break wave in half. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Also he’s a past winner here, which shouldn’t really matter, but it kind of does.

4. Mick Fanning: 5.25 mil

For that price, I’d take Mick in a skimboard comp. With how fantasysurfer is structured, you’re able to keep guys at their starting price for the whole year if you hold onto them. It’s kinda like stocks, except you can’t sell them for a profit once their worth increases. Either way, I’ll have Mick on my team for all eleven events this year. Probably the best 5 mil I ever spent.

5. Wiggolly Dantas: 4 mil

I basically have Wigs on my team thinking that the comp will move to Main Break. Of course I don’t want to watch Main Break, but it’s a probable outcome. Wigs loves bigger surf and his backhand lipper is so damn powerful, I could see him breaking into the quarters or semis with ease. Plus he fulfills my fantasysurfer diversity and equity requirement.

6. Frederico Morais: 3.75 mil

Remember that massive turn he did at Snapper? The one that had him beat contest-favorite Filipe Toledo? Now imagine that on a six-footer at Main Break. I’m a firm believer that big men excel in big surf, so I’m giving Freddy the green light in this one.

7. Ezekiel Lau: 3 mil

The big-man theory also applies to Bruddah Zeke. But aside from his obvious physical advantages, Zeke proved his worth against Filipe and Jordy at Snapper, which is not somewhere I’d have expected him to succeed, so I have full confidence in his ability to produce a result in WA. Let’s hope his surfing loosens up and he shows the top dawgs what he’s all about.

8. Jeremy Flores: 3.25 mil

Did you love Jer’s performance at Snapper? I did. Round one was a masterclass in railwork, while round two showcased his skills in and around the tube. Jeremy could be the most valuable pick in this entire event. If he gets the confidence rolling, he could easily win the whole damn thing.

Post script: With some basic arithmetic, you may realize that I didn’t utilize my entire salary limit of 50 mil. This is unusual for me, but I also think competitive surfing has been completely random over the past couple years, so I say fuck it! Throw caution to the wind and see what sticks. Wait, was that a mixed meta — nah fuck it!

Western Oz Descends into Madness!

Beaches around Perth are being infected with rage! Yelling! Surf skis!

Oh of course you’ve been on the edge of your seat keeping up with the melee/fight/scuffle/kerfuffle in Huntington Beach, California. It is Riot City, USA! But if you live in Perth you shouldn’t be laughing too hard because you, dear Western Australian, are dealing with a surf rage epidemic (apparently).

And right when our boys are ready to head over to the nearby Drug Aware Pro. Could the timing be any worse? Should we read a little passage from Perth Now’s Sunday Times?

SURF rage is so out of control at one of Perth’s most popular beaches that board riders are calling for surf etiquette signs to be installed at popular breaks.

The Cottesloe Longboard Club has written to Cottesloe Council asking for “surfers’ code” signs — which explain the rules of the waves and encourage respect — to be erected at breaks including Isolated, The Cove and Dutch Inn.

(There’s a longboard club?)

Former club president Ken Hall said the surf breaks, all south of the Cottesloe Surf Life Saving Club, had experienced a huge surge in surfers of “varying capabilities” and riding diverse craft, including stand-up paddleboards and surf skis.

“The increase in the breaks’ use from all abilities and surf craft of the sport has seen some varied interpretations of the surfing rules resulting in physical injury, confrontation and verbal abuse,” Mr Hall said.

(Wait. What are surf skis? Are they…. jet skis? Or…. actual water skis that can be surfed on? How do you paddle? With a paddle? I’m sorry. I am going to have to press pause until I get some more information on surf skis. BRB)

(Ok. One Google later and I’m back. A “surf ski” is like an even deadlier version of a kayak. What would possess a man to take a surf ski into a lineup? Madness is right!)

He said the surfers’ code signs, which are used extensively at other surf beaches in WA and around Australia, clearly outline the rules of surfing to help reduce violent confrontations in the waves.

(Do you think, generally, this is true? That surf rage happens because people don’t know the rules or because people purposefully flaunt the rules? And, let’s be serious, if there is a beach with a longboard club, SUPs and surf skis what hope is there at all?)

Peter Dickson, a veteran Cottesloe surfer and editor of international surf travel magazine Longbreak, said fights were rare but tensions were always high at Cottesloe’s breaks.

“I wouldn’t take my son out there — it’s too crowded and too dangerous. There are people everywhere and the etiquette goes out the window,” he said.

“The surfers at the top of the food chain get all the waves and the poor beginners don’t get anything. What we really need are more artificial reefs to spread the crowd.”

(I thought artificial reefs were proven failures. Is there some new tech I’ve missed? Some barreling success?)

Be reborn on the Banks!

Watch: N.C. Surfers Battle Demons!

Not for the faint of heart (or faith)!

If the Outer Banks of North Carolina were a style of facial hair, they’d be that really thin sideburn/chin strap found on most Eminem-worshipping, diamond-earring-toting, Malibu’s-Most-Wanted-style white people.

And that’s not just a cartographical analysis. There are actually a lot of meth and heroin addicts on the Banks. That’s what happens when you live on a strip of sand small enough to throw a rock one way and hit the ocean, then throw a rock the other way and hit the sound. It’s called isthmus fever. Boredom leads to experimentation, experimentation leads to more enthusiastic experimentation which leads to crazy thin sideburns then dead.

The only way to escape the cycle is to embrace your imprisoning waters, and also maybe find God. Christianity is like… real big ’round those parts.

But back to the water.

The only normal people residing on that archipelago are the surfers and fisherman, and even those guys teeter toward lunacy. One fella who’s managed to remain relatively sane is Brett Barley — father, avid fisherman, and the Banks’ only legitimate pro surfer. Maybe it’s just an East-side pride thing, but I’m convinced he’s damn good, too.

And really, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise; the Outer Banks boast the most consistently quality surf on the United States’ eastern seaboard. Just take the edit below, filmed by Banks’ native (I think?) Jeffrey O’Neill, as evidence.

The clip follows N.C.’s seasonal swings and showcases the best that the Banks have to offer — both in terms of waves and surfing ability. Barley steals the show, but he’s accompanied by studs like Fisher Heaverly (from southern N.C.), Bal Stack (NY), plus several local legends.

If y’ain’t afraid of cold tubes with a sprinkle of Jesus and meth, the Banks might just be for you!

Ian Cairns

Surf icon vows pro-Trump rage!

Ian Cairns offers to form "welcome party" of pro-Trumpers at HB!

Do you remember the wonderful riot that happened yesterday in Huntington Beach’s Bolsa Chica between pro-Trump and anti-Trump forces? Oh of course it wasn’t a real riot, just a mild disturbance where one person got peppered sprayed and another got punched in the face, but I feel that is the general tone of most Huntington Beach riots, aside from the classic in 1986.

Almost fun! Playful!

And I wondered out loud if we should throw a BeachGrit sponsored riot for this upcoming U.S. Open of Surfing? “Only gently disruptive of course.” I wrote. “Maybe we have someone go down on all fours behind an unsuspecting passerby and have someone else push the unsuspecting passerby over? Maybe we throw whipped cream pies? I’m open for suggestions.”

The great Ian Cairns, part of the Bustin’ Down the Door crew, part of the Bronzed Aussies, founding member of the Association of Surfing Professionals and 1976’s number 2 in the world maybe agreed and offered on my Facebook to gather a welcoming committee for us!

Proposing a riot at HB at the US Open contest is stupid and lower than your normal gutter writing (I deleted journalism). Maybe we could get a little welcome panel together especially for Beach Grit.

And then Mr. Cairns offered some names of people who were there at Bolsa Chica and love to party.

I asked if BeachGrit could bring some cake to the welcome panel party or maybe some Pepsi though have yet to hear back but will keep you advised as the planning develops.

And of course you too are invited! See you in Huntington!