Western Oz Descends into Madness!

Beaches around Perth are being infected with rage! Yelling! Surf skis!

Oh of course you’ve been on the edge of your seat keeping up with the melee/fight/scuffle/kerfuffle in Huntington Beach, California. It is Riot City, USA! But if you live in Perth you shouldn’t be laughing too hard because you, dear Western Australian, are dealing with a surf rage epidemic (apparently).

And right when our boys are ready to head over to the nearby Drug Aware Pro. Could the timing be any worse? Should we read a little passage from Perth Now’s Sunday Times?

SURF rage is so out of control at one of Perth’s most popular beaches that board riders are calling for surf etiquette signs to be installed at popular breaks.

The Cottesloe Longboard Club has written to Cottesloe Council asking for “surfers’ code” signs — which explain the rules of the waves and encourage respect — to be erected at breaks including Isolated, The Cove and Dutch Inn.

(There’s a longboard club?)

Former club president Ken Hall said the surf breaks, all south of the Cottesloe Surf Life Saving Club, had experienced a huge surge in surfers of “varying capabilities” and riding diverse craft, including stand-up paddleboards and surf skis.

“The increase in the breaks’ use from all abilities and surf craft of the sport has seen some varied interpretations of the surfing rules resulting in physical injury, confrontation and verbal abuse,” Mr Hall said.

(Wait. What are surf skis? Are they…. jet skis? Or…. actual water skis that can be surfed on? How do you paddle? With a paddle? I’m sorry. I am going to have to press pause until I get some more information on surf skis. BRB)

(Ok. One Google later and I’m back. A “surf ski” is like an even deadlier version of a kayak. What would possess a man to take a surf ski into a lineup? Madness is right!)

He said the surfers’ code signs, which are used extensively at other surf beaches in WA and around Australia, clearly outline the rules of surfing to help reduce violent confrontations in the waves.

(Do you think, generally, this is true? That surf rage happens because people don’t know the rules or because people purposefully flaunt the rules? And, let’s be serious, if there is a beach with a longboard club, SUPs and surf skis what hope is there at all?)

Peter Dickson, a veteran Cottesloe surfer and editor of international surf travel magazine Longbreak, said fights were rare but tensions were always high at Cottesloe’s breaks.

“I wouldn’t take my son out there — it’s too crowded and too dangerous. There are people everywhere and the etiquette goes out the window,” he said.

“The surfers at the top of the food chain get all the waves and the poor beginners don’t get anything. What we really need are more artificial reefs to spread the crowd.”

(I thought artificial reefs were proven failures. Is there some new tech I’ve missed? Some barreling success?)

Be reborn on the Banks!

Watch: N.C. Surfers Battle Demons!

Not for the faint of heart (or faith)!

If the Outer Banks of North Carolina were a style of facial hair, they’d be that really thin sideburn/chin strap found on most Eminem-worshipping, diamond-earring-toting, Malibu’s-Most-Wanted-style white people.

And that’s not just a cartographical analysis. There are actually a lot of meth and heroin addicts on the Banks. That’s what happens when you live on a strip of sand small enough to throw a rock one way and hit the ocean, then throw a rock the other way and hit the sound. It’s called isthmus fever. Boredom leads to experimentation, experimentation leads to more enthusiastic experimentation which leads to crazy thin sideburns then dead.

The only way to escape the cycle is to embrace your imprisoning waters, and also maybe find God. Christianity is like… real big ’round those parts.

But back to the water.

The only normal people residing on that archipelago are the surfers and fisherman, and even those guys teeter toward lunacy. One fella who’s managed to remain relatively sane is Brett Barley — father, avid fisherman, and the Banks’ only legitimate pro surfer. Maybe it’s just an East-side pride thing, but I’m convinced he’s damn good, too.

And really, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise; the Outer Banks boast the most consistently quality surf on the United States’ eastern seaboard. Just take the edit below, filmed by Banks’ native (I think?) Jeffrey O’Neill, as evidence.

The clip follows N.C.’s seasonal swings and showcases the best that the Banks have to offer — both in terms of waves and surfing ability. Barley steals the show, but he’s accompanied by studs like Fisher Heaverly (from southern N.C.), Bal Stack (NY), plus several local legends.

If y’ain’t afraid of cold tubes with a sprinkle of Jesus and meth, the Banks might just be for you!

Ian Cairns

Surf icon vows pro-Trump rage!

Ian Cairns offers to form "welcome party" of pro-Trumpers at HB!

Do you remember the wonderful riot that happened yesterday in Huntington Beach’s Bolsa Chica between pro-Trump and anti-Trump forces? Oh of course it wasn’t a real riot, just a mild disturbance where one person got peppered sprayed and another got punched in the face, but I feel that is the general tone of most Huntington Beach riots, aside from the classic in 1986.

Almost fun! Playful!

And I wondered out loud if we should throw a BeachGrit sponsored riot for this upcoming U.S. Open of Surfing? “Only gently disruptive of course.” I wrote. “Maybe we have someone go down on all fours behind an unsuspecting passerby and have someone else push the unsuspecting passerby over? Maybe we throw whipped cream pies? I’m open for suggestions.”

The great Ian Cairns, part of the Bustin’ Down the Door crew, part of the Bronzed Aussies, founding member of the Association of Surfing Professionals and 1976’s number 2 in the world maybe agreed and offered on my Facebook to gather a welcoming committee for us!

Proposing a riot at HB at the US Open contest is stupid and lower than your normal gutter writing (I deleted journalism). Maybe we could get a little welcome panel together especially for Beach Grit.

And then Mr. Cairns offered some names of people who were there at Bolsa Chica and love to party.

I asked if BeachGrit could bring some cake to the welcome panel party or maybe some Pepsi though have yet to hear back but will keep you advised as the planning develops.

And of course you too are invited! See you in Huntington!

The Condor takes his last drop as Commissioner. We weep!

Just in: WSL Begins Downsizing!

Buh-bye Chile, Peru, Spain, Linden etc.

You heard it here third! The WSL is cutting it’s BWWT schedule, bigly!

Of course we knew the WSL was in financial peril, so their general downsizing should come as no surprise. It should also come as no surprise that according to the WSL, their downsizing isn’t actually a downsizing, but rather a more focused and streamlined contest strategy.

Let someone, whose name might rhyme with Wave BroMan, explain: As part of the WSL BWT’s dedication to running world-class big wave events on a regular basis, the 2017 BWT schedule will focus on three prestigious events: the Puerto Escondido Challenge in Mexico, the Pea’hi Challenge in Maui, Hawaii and the Nazaré Challenge in Portugal.

So who’s getting the snip? How about Punta De Lobos in Chile, Pico Alto in Peru, Punta Galea in Spain, Nelscott Reef in the US, and Todos Santos in Mexico. Five contests cut, three remain. For the sake of their season the BWWT organizers better pray they can run at least two of ’em. It takes a tour to make a title, right?

Oh, and speaking of contest organizers, Pete Mel is out! The Condor has flown his coop and can no longer don the name ‘Commissioner’. Something about running his family’s surf shop. To replace Mel, longtime Kolohe coach Mike ‘Snips” Parsons has taken the reigns.

Snips had this to say: I am really humbled and honored to be the next Big Wave Commissioner. Peter Mel and Gary Linden have been instrumental in creating the foundation for the Big Wave Tour. Thanks to the hard work of Peter, Gary and the entire big wave team, we have seen the remarkable growth and progression of the Big Wave Tour.

…Did you catch that?

“Peter Mel and Gary Linden“?

Does this mean the affluent appendage,  Robbie Maddison, finally got his comeuppance? Did he threaten enough lawsuits to get 67-year-old Linden canned? I actually don’t know, as Parson’s text is a tad ambiguous, but does it not hint at Linden’s departure?

He’s an old RM quote on the topic, just to jog your memory: I hope this affects Gary’s relationship with the WSL. He’s been a prick about this.



Report: American Dream Alive and Well!

Chad Kroeger reveals America's ultimate virtue

“To be in a city where you can have a surf session and then go to a city council meeting within the span of an hour, I just think that just shows the American Dream is very much alive.” That’s how Chad Kroeger, a so-called “freelance journalist” (loser), started his proposal in front of the San Clemente city council.

Chad’s goal was simple: to convince local officials to erect a 12-foot steel statue of the deceased Fast and Furious star, Paul Walker, on the San Clemente pier.

“Detroit has the Robocop,” Kroeger argued. “Philly has Rocky. We. Need. Paul. Walker. He represents everything this town stands for.”

“Does Paul Walker have any connection to San Clemente?” the clerk asked Kroeger.

“He… went to high school here,” snapped Kroeger.

“…His cousin went to high school here,” a formerly-closeted-Paul-Walker-fan in the committee clarified.

You can watch the video below for the rest of Chad and partner Bodhi’s hilariously impassioned plea. Even the council members were fairly receptive and amused by the proposal.

But outside of entertainment value, why should we care?

Because Chad’s opening statement, when paired with Chas’s blatant riot proposal, drove me to recall vital truth: No matter how shitty everything is or how much everyone hates one another we, as free Americans, still retain the power to pursue whatever bullshit ideas cross our corroded minds. 

Trump’s inauguration proved that. Chad’s plea proved that. BeachGrit proves that on a thrice daily basis.


Long live America! And …Australia? Can you guys do stupid shit too?