The horror! The beauty!

Watch: The Greatest Burn of All Time!

Only in Australia, they say

You’ve heard of Tropical Cyclone Debbie. She hit northern Queensland, then southern Queensland, rained a lot, wreaked general havoc.

But what you maybe haven’t heard, or rather seen, is the best surf clip to come from ol’ Deb. It’s not a grinding barrel or a massive air but rather a drop-in. A burn. Please watch it right meow.

And did you see? The Debbie-fueled standing wave? The adept jet-ski handling? The perfect whip and release of the tow rope? The stylish approach to the ledge and subsequent hop down the face? The brutal stiff-arm to his only stand-up competition?

This is, by any measurable standard, the greatest burn of all time. Kelly on Parko at Kirra was nice, but no. This is it.

Leon soars despite wearing 10 pounds of rubber and a terribly unfashionable wrist clock!

Ugly Watch Co. Makes Beautiful Film!

The Crocs of time-telling!

I know what I said. That BeachGrit’s recent video posts have been blasé garbage yada yada yada, but I must declare that this one is utterly brilliant! G-Shock’s Grasshopper in the Snow combines all of my favorite tropes: beautiful cinematography, a worthy subject, perplexing narration and unsubtle branding.

Leon Glatzer, a lanky Costa Rican with a penchant for giganto-spins, was sent somewhere (north, I believe) to film an advertorial for ugly watch brand G-Shock.  Of course they won’t mind that I’ve called their product aesthetically atrocious, as G-Shock’s whole shtick is durability. It’s the laboring/surfing/sky-diving man’s watch. Utility over fashion.

Which makes me wonder… why spend all the money on this fllm? I’m gonna gander that with travel costs, production dollars, etc., the price tag on Grasshopper in the Snow trumped… 40k? I don’t know, thats just eyeballing it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they ponied up some legitimate cash for their ugly watch movie. It makes me partially forgive G-Shock for all the terrible Joel Centeio ads I had to suffer through over the years. And no dis to Joel, he’s a proper shred, but G-Shock’s 2008 marketing schemes were nearly as horrendous as their product. And Grasshopper is the Rolex of surfing advertorials!

You’d still have to pay me well north of fifty bucks to be seen in one of those wrist cages, though.

Now enjoy the film! (Bought to you by G-Shock — the contraceptive watch co.)

Looks at all the pretty colors!

The Perils of Chasing a Swell!

Apologies to the reader/boss/girlfriend etc.

If you’ve felt neglected and abused, loyal BeachGrittians, I understand. You’ve been handed rubbish lately. Of course Chas flips trash better than your average hobo, and Longtom’s musings have helped soothe the dumpster-fire burn, but the fact is we (emphasis on me (and Chas and Derek)) haven’t written much of value in the past…. mmmmmm…. four-ish days.

But we have excuses!

As you know Chas is busy with cocaine. As you may not know, and as I’m writing this I’m not sure if you’re supposed to know (?), Derek is also busy with something bound and verbose. He’s so busy in fact, that he asked me to curate two (2) articles a day for a nine-day span, while he finishes a project that will someday make a great coaster.

I agreed to his request but did so with a slight reluctance. Y’see, some days surf writing is easy. Kelly calls for a cull, Robbie Maddison acts like a wealthy bellend, etc. But others days it’s hard to find something noteworthy enough to pass off as news… so we fake it. We flip and spin and jump through hoops in an attempt to amuse our wonderful readership. To do that twice in a day is not only painful for us, it’s unfair to you.

This is not where I offer some wonderful solution to an apparent problem. This is where I make further excuses on my own behalf.

Three days into my nine-day sentence, a swell popped up. Actually it was two swells — forming back-to-back in the vivacious Southern Ocean. My initial plan was to meet them in Fiji, where a wonderful local (albeit American) family has offered me their couch in exchange for… friendship? They are incredibly gracious.

I then contacted an Aussie mate, who I’d met in Panama, to see if he’d like to join. He declined, citing work and a three-week trip to South Oz in his near future, but mentioned that the Fiji swells would first make landfall at his local, and they looked good.

A few chart-checks, phone calls, and one seriously disgruntled girlfriend later, I had a return ticket from LAX to Melbin with a seven-day layover in Fiji on the way back. Two trips for the price of one, four swells in the space of two!

I took off Monday night and have been pretty non-stop ever since. As a result, I’m not only slightly behind on my quota (thank you Chas for picking up the slack!), but 90% of my posts have been blasé video garbage, which is less fun for me to write than it is for you to read.

But I finally have a lay-day, so hopefully something interesting happens in the surf world!

Oh and, you’ll hear more travel tales shortly. I promise not to follow Chas’s advice this time.

Gimme: More sharks! More wipeouts!

Two things the world can't get enough of!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it many times. The general non-surfing public will click on two things when it comes to our favorite dance.

1) Shark attack.

2) Big wave wipeout.

The World Surf League short film “Shark attacks Mick Fanning at J-Bay Open” has been viewed over 24 million times on YouTube. That is, like, 24 million times more than the next WSL production.

In second place is the wipeout reel. The Big Wave Awards just released this year’s and it has made the USA Today and Bleacher Report. Let’s watch!

Bleacher Report writes:

Those of you who enjoy surfing as a hobby may want to think twice about viewing the video above.

As Hemal Jhaveri of USA Today’s For the Win explained Wednesday, the World Surf League recently announced its nominees for the 2017 Wipeout of the Year award, which it will hand out at the Big Wave Awards in Huntington Beach, California, on April 29.

In anticipation of that event, the WSL released a video of the nominated spills, and the footage is jarring.

Truth be told, we’re not sure if it would be worse to be the person who fell from the very top of a wave or the individual swallowed by the water near the base.


Anyhow, when Mick Fanning got bumped by a shark it got 24 million views. When he got bumped yesterday by Kanoa Igarashi it got 152 views. Let’s post that too and try to grow its numbers so Kanoa feels more valuable than a shark.

Not champagne, and a Sunbeam Alpine, but close enough...
Not champagne, and a Sunbeam Alpine, but close enough...

Update: “I was wrong!”

Keep surfing on tour Kelly Slater!

I’d be the second person, after my ex-wife, to tell you that I am not perfect. I sometimes make mistakes. Sometimes speak without really thinking. Sometimes forget to weigh all the possibilities in a scenario. Sometimes get re-married before being officially divorced thus getting to be, all too briefly, a fabulous bigamist.

Or like this morning, I wrote a bit about how age catches us all and it seems like it might have just caught Kelly Slater, a man who appeared to defy those very odds. I wondered if it was time for him to figure some thing to do with his time other than get embarrassed by young boys.

But thank God for you. Because when I do make mistakes you are there to gently correct. To set me back on the correct path and this morning my dear Negatron did just that. In the comments underneath the Kelly Get Lost bit he wrote…

Kelly phase 2, please…. quits competing, stays on tour as a total boss… commentating, interviewing, scaffolding supervisor… hopefully turning up two weeks early and staying on a week post comp, dropping edits and embarrassing tour surfers with his performances for another decade {or two}
No disrespect, but he reminds me of a scarf wearing middle aged man driving a champagne coloured convertible Porsche. Sure, it’s the fastest car when the lights go green, but Dude, the colour! and that flowing scarf?

A scarf wearing middle aged man driving a champagne coloured convertible Porsche? There is, honestly, no aesthetic vision that appeals to me more. That, and precisely that, is what I will someday be (maybe in five years fingers crossed on book sales etc.).

Thank you Negs. Thank you for setting me straight.

And Kelly? Stay right where you are, gorgeous!