Apologies to the reader/boss/girlfriend etc.
If you’ve felt neglected and abused, loyal BeachGrittians, I understand. You’ve been handed rubbish lately. Of course Chas flips trash better than your average hobo, and Longtom’s musings have helped soothe the dumpster-fire burn, but the fact is we (emphasis on me (and Chas and Derek)) haven’t written much of value in the past…. mmmmmm…. four-ish days.
But we have excuses!
As you know Chas is busy with cocaine. As you may not know, and as I’m writing this I’m not sure if you’re supposed to know (?), Derek is also busy with something bound and verbose. He’s so busy in fact, that he asked me to curate two (2) articles a day for a nine-day span, while he finishes a project that will someday make a great coaster.
I agreed to his request but did so with a slight reluctance. Y’see, some days surf writing is easy. Kelly calls for a cull, Robbie Maddison acts like a wealthy bellend, etc. But others days it’s hard to find something noteworthy enough to pass off as news… so we fake it. We flip and spin and jump through hoops in an attempt to amuse our wonderful readership. To do that twice in a day is not only painful for us, it’s unfair to you.
This is not where I offer some wonderful solution to an apparent problem. This is where I make further excuses on my own behalf.
Three days into my nine-day sentence, a swell popped up. Actually it was two swells — forming back-to-back in the vivacious Southern Ocean. My initial plan was to meet them in Fiji, where a wonderful local (albeit American) family has offered me their couch in exchange for… friendship? They are incredibly gracious.
I then contacted an Aussie mate, who I’d met in Panama, to see if he’d like to join. He declined, citing work and a three-week trip to South Oz in his near future, but mentioned that the Fiji swells would first make landfall at his local, and they looked good.
A few chart-checks, phone calls, and one seriously disgruntled girlfriend later, I had a return ticket from LAX to Melbin with a seven-day layover in Fiji on the way back. Two trips for the price of one, four swells in the space of two!
I took off Monday night and have been pretty non-stop ever since. As a result, I’m not only slightly behind on my quota (thank you Chas for picking up the slack!), but 90% of my posts have been blasé video garbage, which is less fun for me to write than it is for you to read.
But I finally have a lay-day, so hopefully something interesting happens in the surf world!
Oh and, you’ll hear more travel tales shortly. I promise not to follow Chas’s advice this time.
does this apply if I come from a relatively affluent background but am fully supporting myself? if yes that’s fine, I just want to be clear
To recap: Your boss hit the ski slopes and you were left the keys to the shop. The task was simple enough, 2 hours a day for 9 days – a lot of work, sure, but imagine your customers – the middle aged, the cubicle locked; we dissect heat analyzers and curse richie porta’s name when dropping flashlights on toes. We hide surfboard purchases from wives; in futility we wake up early on Saturdays to surf, only to rush home and muster up soggy pancakes for a gaggle of sleepover dazed groms. Any article would do. Really. We hit refresh at off times on obsolete cell phones and blame the lack of fresh content on the Lost surfboard clock. Must be the time difference. It will come. We comment anyways, something old, something new, something borrowed and blue.
And you. With one simple task, offer us an apology. “I had to ditch my girlfriend and chase a swell. I didn’t have time to open the shop. You understand right? It’s so hard writing about surfing!”
Well here’s a succinct answer to your rhetorical question: If i was unmarried, chasing swells around the world, I also wouldn’t care about beachgrit for a few days. But, sadly, I really do. I can’t watch sports center and learn about poostances and kellz’ chatter boards and how absolute shit my fantasy team is at marg’s. I need this.
And so, enjoy your trip. Just don’t come here in the interim offering shallow apologies while you traipse around the world chasing waves. Remember that a good swath of your readers sisyphus their way to the next lapse of crowded, non-memorable local swell and these articles are a brief reprise from our cruel domestic reality.
You’ve been given an audience, don’t take it for granted. Let us have the goods.
And please, please don’t make one vaguely interesting bar story 3 or 4 articles spread out over 4 days.
come on man.
this is real talk right here
you have simultaneously inspired and depressed me with this deep-cutting comment. I commend your honesty, righteousness and writing ability, whilst simultaneously apologizing for being a shit cunt (aussie friends have taught me new slang terms). I will do my best to do better, for you, jimbome.
Your comment will be printed and pasted on my wall for times of discouragement.
Actually I’m expecting an update post from the cloudy lineup -> wifi access of all the boat drivers.
And shitcunt is one word, not two and the t is silent.
That’s what Stephen King did with all the rejected stories he submitted to magazines when he was coming up. Stuck ’em right in front of his typewriter. Never give up
Chas, brush the cocaine off your table. This is a Sundance winning screenplay right here!
Well now, that was beautiful.
Chas is the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dam! I shutter to think where you and Derek’s fingers are at this very moment. Just be sure to wash with soap and scrape those finger nails clean.
Does anyone sense a personal insecurity issue here — “but the fact is we (emphasis on me (and Chas and Derek))”
Derek must be negotiating Sabre’s writing fee….contra not cutting it with the teenage Novascotian? exploit LT and MC in the meantime despite below par content.
Your reference to four-ish days in your opening paragraph must have been measured using the Hawaiian scale
I honestly thought Derek was away with Sabre Norris managing her career by finding confectionary sponsors
We choose our own paths. Seems like you are on a good one. If you can afford this type adventure off Beach Grit income you are slightly over paid. Better yet you may be on assignment, if thats the case I may as well stuff my face with another piece of garlic bread..
It’s okay man, you don’t have to say that. All we’re asking for is the right balance of substance and genuine effort for us to ruthlessly pick apart and shame your family with.
You have been BitchSlapped by Chas and Derek MC by being dumped after 1 event and replaced no less by Longtom!. Bitchslapped on each cheek (which cheeks??)…ouch!
You are the American Caveira. Hopefully Wigs can tune you up a bit.
At least you aren’t writing about fucking freediving.
Brah, 2 articles a day? Grit length? Should take about 15 minutes. 20 tops.
If only I were that competent…
Was it the 20s period or the 0.9m height that sold you on cloudy? Major character insights lie within your answer
The swell has been slightly downgraded since point of purchase but I remain optimistic! Period does amazing things over there, to answer your question…
Yep no shelf. You at the current or next wsl stop now?
Near-ish to event number three, soon to be at stop number five!
Swell chasing level achieved: advanced. (A BG first??) How many of the great multi’s do you think there are?