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Help: I wanna be a pro surfer!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

A "Choose your Own Adventure" part III!

We are in the middle of a wild choose your own adventure adventure. Read part one here and two here. And I thought it was a misbegotten charade and gave you an out but you chose to continue… but I totally accidentally gave you the wrong path so I’ll include that one as a bonus and the one you meant to choose too.

So here we are!  Again vote either (A) or (B) in the comments!

BONUS (the one you accidentally chose on my recommendation):

You really do love spending time with your dad but you were up late watching Friends and are way to tired to even move. All the the girls at school are binge watching and talking about “Monica” and “Chandler” and “Ross” and “Rachel” nonstop. To even crack in to their conversations you have to know about the dollhouse or what tapping your elbows together means.

Exhausting but definitely worth it. Just yesterday one of the cutest girls in your social sciences class totally laughed when you sang, “Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?”

Your dad is very sympathetic and will understand so you tell him you’re too tired. He smiles and whispers, “Ok son. I love you so much. Have a great school day.”

You go on to develop a prescription pill addiction and end up selling insurance, your wife cheats on you with a 5th grade teacher at a local Christian school and your kids think you are a sissy.

THE END

And now the real one. The one you meant to choose.

Your dad winks and whispers, “A bagel and orange juice are on the kitchen counter. Meet you in the car.”
You stand, stretch and head to the corner to get your surfboard. Its wax smells like summer but you know that it is cold and wintery outside even though it is only just early fall. You know the first bite of cold Pacific will make you hate yourself.

The swell is forecasted to be pretty fun. Surfline is calling for 3-4 feet at something blah blah seconds and you are thinking that 54th street might be the call but it is for sure going to be super crowded and you don’t know if paddle-battling all morning for two waves is going to be worth it. Maybe you could hit up 17th street in Huntington instead? The waves won’t be even half as good but you would have a fun surf without any pressure.

Hmmmm. You head to the laundry room to grab your still damp wetsuit still thinking about where you should head and are still undecided when you reach the car. Your dad, already behind the wheel, asks, “Where to, champ?”

You respond…
a) Let’s just go to 54th… It’ll be crazy but better.
b) I’m over the crowds lately. Let’s go to Huntington and try 17th.

Hero: British surfer saves the world!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

A cyberattack thwarted and we have Cornwall to thank!

Have you always chuckled at the British surfer too? Do you picture him, with reddish hair and pale skin, floundering on an egg-shaped surfboard in the windswept Corn Wall? His face ruddy from the ice-cold water and bangers and mash? His wax and even shade of brown from the countryside’s loamy soil?

Do you you picture him like Dusty Payne without skill?

Well then you too are in for a big surprise. The world owes its peace, this morning, to a fine British surfer!

The anonymous 22 year-old who maybe lives in Cornwall discovered some new computer virus before it could get fully activated and thwarted its growth hereby allowing you to read your beloved BeachGrit this morning. Let’s learn more!

The researcher, who identified himself only as MalwareTech, is a 22-year-old from south-west England who works for Kryptos logic, an LA-based threat intelligence company.

“I was out having lunch with a friend and got back about 3pm and saw an influx of news articles about the NHS and various UK organisations being hit, I had a bit of a look into that and then I found a sample of the malware behind it, and saw that it was connecting out to a specific domain, which was not registered. So I picked it up not knowing what it did at the time.”

Etc. Etc.

He said he got his first job out of school without any real qualifications, having skipped university to start up a tech blog, write software and surf.

“It’s always been a hobby to me, I’m self-taught. I ended up getting a job out of my first botnet tracker, which the company I now work for saw and contacted me about, asking if I wanted a job. I’ve been working there a year and two months now.”

But the dark knight of the dark web still lives at home with his parents, which he joked was “so stereotypical”. His mum, he said, was aware of what had happened and was excited, but his dad hadn’t been home yet. “I’m sure my mother will inform him,” he said.

“It’s not going to be a lifestyle change, it’s just a five-minutes of fame sort of thing. It is quite crazy, I’ve not been able to check into my Twitter feed all day because it’s just been going too fast to read. Every time I refresh it it’s another 99 notifications.”

He is now more famous than Dusty Payne.

All hail the British surfer!

Superseded Texas Wavegarden Re-Opens!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Is Texas pool the equivalent of film in a brave digital world?

Y’gotta give it to the German inventors of Wavegarden. They don’t fuck around.

When Kelly Slater squashed the presumption that the burgeoning artificial wave market would be theirs, they spent two years building a pool that at least puts it in the same realm as Surf Ranch.

You might’ve heard about their new version of a wave-tank called Cove. All we got is PR propaganda and a handful of WCT surfers who rode it, but who signed non-disclosure agreements and therefore can’t offer an independently verified opinion, so who knows how good it is?

But how do we know if the KS pool’s got legs? More NDAs etc.

Anyway, while all the confected hoo-ha about Cove was going on, poor little NLand Surf Park has finally re-opened. If you’ll remember, the tank was open for only one month before shutting its doors last November.

A bummer since nearly every session y’tried to squeeze into had been booked out, making a mockery of the naysayers who said they wouldn’t be able to find chumps willing to spend ninety bucks on a ten-wave session. Even Ozzie Wright was dying to gun his fist into it.  

For some visitors, the experience was… divine! 

Now that it’s open, and you can watch Wavegarden Mach 1 in action below if you want to form an opinion, do you think the owners are sad they poured millions into a pool that has been so roughly superseded by Cove?

Do you think the owner, in this case Mr Doug Coors from the fabulously wealthy beer family, wants to unscrew the fountain, unplug the plough and start again?

Do you think the vibration of a slamming door was heard all over Austin when Cove was loosed?

Or do you think nothing will matter when Kelly finally unveils to the world?

And then, of course, we have the mysterious Greg Webber who claims to hold the key to the greatest secret of them all.

Wavegarden, says Webber, will “end up being redundant. They’d be horrified at what Kelly did and and even more fucking horrified when I build my one. (But) only one is going to make money. My one. There’s only one design and it revolves around using the Kelvin wake. It allows us to do 500 waves an hour as a base rate. We can have a ride rate of 5000 rides per hour. That’s fucked up. That’s proper money. “

WSL: Upsets Abound on Day Three!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

Is it day three? I honestly have no clue!

Yesterday’s smugness lit a fire under the boss’s ass, leading to the subtle suggestion that I write about round three of the Oi Rio Pro today. There is something to be said for digging your own grave, though. Makes you feel like you’ve earned the punishment.

I won’t pretend that I watched any heats live, nor that I spent more than ten minutes on the Heat Analyzer. But here are the big fish that fried today in Saquarema:

Johnny Florence

While I adore our reigning world champ, I also like the idea of a title race — not a goddamn cakewalk. In my mind, Yago defeating John achieves two favorable objectives: the world title becomes achievable to the Owens, Jordies, and Gabriels of the world, and we get to see more from the inevitable talent that is Mr. Dora.

Has anyone looked more in control of their surfboard in these trampolining conditions? I say nay and look forward to a Yago victory in a few days’ time.

Filipe Toledo

Ok, what’s going on here? Filipe lost early in the two events he should have won and made it far in the two events he should have lost. Surf comps are often fluky, but four outliers in one year is pretty hard to reconcile.

On the interference… it was an unnecessary and unfortunate event, but the judges made the right call. The wave had a right, true, but Kanoa commanded the peak and therefore had the right to push Filipe off. You may not like it, but the judges called this one by the book.

Fantasy Teams

Is everyone’s dead or is that just me? I expected more from you, Freestone, Fioravanti, Filipe and Florence.

Vai Adriano!

E morte para Saquarema!

Stab: “Add some pop to your world!”

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Also Venice-adjacent Stab magazine teaches you how to wear socks!

I’ve been out of town for a week and mostly offline. Upon reengaging with the world yesterday I was pleased to note that surf media is largely ignoring the Shame of Saquarema. We should all punish the World Surf League for pushing this contest forward by never mentioning it again. I was very sad, though, to see that The Inertia‘s also Venice-adjacent neighbor Stab released a New Yorker-style cartoon feature instructing men how to wear socks.

It received 18025 likes on Facebook. A story titled “FCS has traction for airs you dream of” received 0 likes on Facebook.

The ways to wear socks include:

The Baller: “Basketball is a very popular pastime among a lot of surfers, in particular those from the east and west coasts of America.”

The Reserve: “You probably spend a lot of time thinking about fonts, probably holiday in Copenhagen…”

The Icon: “…but need a little expressive detail to make the neutral tones of their suiting pop.”

Etc.

Oh you should go read the entire feature now but, fair warning, you will be very sad too because Stab totally neglects the most fabulous way to wear socks. Please see above and I can only hope their New Yorker-style artist can return to draw.

The StabStitch: “You are in Miami with two days to kill and a suitcase full of methamphetamine…”