But what's up with Joe Turpel?

And just like that, it was finals day!

Unfortunately I was busy this morning and missed all heats before the final. Looks like there were a couple good ones though (Yago beat Gabby, Mick!), so I’ll have to check them out a little later.

Anyways, I jumped online just as Kaipo and Pottz were discussing the whereabouts of their missing colleagues.

Rosy Hodge, Kaipo explained, would return to her role at the Outerknown Fiji Pro in a couple weeks’ time (she has been stuck dealing with the pesky American visa/immigration system).

Chelsea Cannell, whose role I never quite understood as she is neither a surf expert nor especially attractive, has taken time off to become a mom(!) but will be returning shortly and with plumper breasts.

Lastly, and most interestingly, is Joe Turpel. Kaipo attributed Joe’s disappearance to “personal time”, but assured that he will be back “very soon”.

I’ve heard whispers that Joe was in the middle of certain legal troubles, but can in no way validate those claims. Also somewhat interesting, Joe hasn’t posted on Instagram in seven weeks, after being a near daily-poster during the period leading up to his absence. Here’s his last photo:

West is pretty good ey

A post shared by Joe Turpel (@joeturpel) on Mar 29, 2017 at 5:49am PDT

Then, the final!

With 10,000 fans on the beach, and 9,993 of them in favor of Adriano, it only seemed right that the pugnacious plumber take this bitch out.

The waves looked fun — still weird, but fun. Long lefts with a strange side-wedge had ADS licking his chops. There is no one who can better dismantle a disorganized wave on their backhand.

His first wave brought a smile to my face. De Souza opened with a big turn, then milked it to the sand. So unnecessary, but so damn beautiful. Nobody cares more than Adriano, and that’s gotta count for something.

Ace fought back with a low-nine on a long, slopey left-hander. He carved the shit out of it and was justly rewarded. Needing only a six to steal the lead, it seemed momentarily probable that Adriano could lose the title.

Then, boom! Adriano caught the inside double-up and belted it like a red-headed stepchild. 9.8 was the score, and the fans went berserk.

Ace had one more chance to turn the heat but fell just short. Adriano sat on him for five minutes, and just like that it was done.

There are now four legitimate world title contenders, with JJF, Owen, Jordy, and Adriano all within a few hundred points of one another. Turns out John won’t run away with this thing after all, and I reckon that’s for the better.

Congratulations to my board-brother Adriano, and, WSL… more Yago wildcards plz!