But what's up with Joe Turpel?
And just like that, it was finals day!
Unfortunately I was busy this morning and missed all heats before the final. Looks like there were a couple good ones though (Yago beat Gabby, Mick!), so I’ll have to check them out a little later.
Anyways, I jumped online just as Kaipo and Pottz were discussing the whereabouts of their missing colleagues.
Rosy Hodge, Kaipo explained, would return to her role at the Outerknown Fiji Pro in a couple weeks’ time (she has been stuck dealing with the pesky American visa/immigration system).
Chelsea Cannell, whose role I never quite understood as she is neither a surf expert nor especially attractive, has taken time off to become a mom(!) but will be returning shortly and with plumper breasts.
Lastly, and most interestingly, is Joe Turpel. Kaipo attributed Joe’s disappearance to “personal time”, but assured that he will be back “very soon”.
I’ve heard whispers that Joe was in the middle of certain legal troubles, but can in no way validate those claims. Also somewhat interesting, Joe hasn’t posted on Instagram in seven weeks, after being a near daily-poster during the period leading up to his absence. Here’s his last photo:
Then, the final!
With 10,000 fans on the beach, and 9,993 of them in favor of Adriano, it only seemed right that the pugnacious plumber take this bitch out.
The waves looked fun — still weird, but fun. Long lefts with a strange side-wedge had ADS licking his chops. There is no one who can better dismantle a disorganized wave on their backhand.
His first wave brought a smile to my face. De Souza opened with a big turn, then milked it to the sand. So unnecessary, but so damn beautiful. Nobody cares more than Adriano, and that’s gotta count for something.
Ace fought back with a low-nine on a long, slopey left-hander. He carved the shit out of it and was justly rewarded. Needing only a six to steal the lead, it seemed momentarily probable that Adriano could lose the title.
Then, boom! Adriano caught the inside double-up and belted it like a red-headed stepchild. 9.8 was the score, and the fans went berserk.
Ace had one more chance to turn the heat but fell just short. Adriano sat on him for five minutes, and just like that it was done.
There are now four legitimate world title contenders, with JJF, Owen, Jordy, and Adriano all within a few hundred points of one another. Turns out John won’t run away with this thing after all, and I reckon that’s for the better.
Congratulations to my board-brother Adriano, and, WSL… more Yago wildcards plz!
joels father past away… =/
Medina not getting love from the judges. Struggle to see how Yago won both two wave exchanges; despite the closeness.
Agree Mr Dee, when are the judges going to get a front-side air is heaps harder than the good ol’ tried and true air-rev.
9.80?
The whole Turpel conspiracy has me riveted – desperately need to know what has happened to the nasal drone.
I have been thinking the worst ever since Kaipo asked for surfing vernacular a few weeks back.
We really need to get to the bottom of this – leave no stone unturned
Let’s speculate: Turpel murdered multiple drifters, now Ziff is using his legal clout to cover up the crimes!
From what I hear it’s much less dramatic than all that
Boo! BORING!
then tell us what the fuck it is then smartass!
A Brazo won in bRazil? No, way!!!!! How amazing is that…..? Fart….snore…..wiggle…
Adriano Da Pooooooooooza! Vs Acme Buckethead…can they pick a more boring final?
Let’s hope fiji produces some mental ledge work….this is when JJ and Gabby tell the rest of the world to suck it.
Annabel was different.
Here was a young Pirate, just logging into my own scrawny and pale carcass scarcely hatched from me walkabout.
This young pupae delighted in the few lovers I could scare up as well as the occasional monogamous one nighter types that never conjured those nervous allergies to rohypnol or chloroform.
To make a short story long, most gals my age were not interested in Scrabble or my encyclopedic knowledge of fetal deformities…. which led, inevitably, to a highly developed taste for elderly ladies. Not the gaudy, overly perfumed and war-painted bar flys – nay, the ladies approaching the back forty of the child rearing cycle who, through either quiet desperation or minor mental ticks never married or were recently divorced. Some call them cougars. I think they deserve a long, run-on sentence.
Also, I liked the mothering attention whilst courting; fully cooked meals, endearing massages, post coital cuddling and grown up alcohol that didn’t come from a box.
Never one to shrink from a challenge, I spied a phenomenal body from the rear angle at the local Fred Meyer. Anabel was a petite 34 year-old grass fed female buying a pair of wine coolers. I seduced her with words like “hi,” and a smattering of “umm,” to find that she just moved from Portland and was painting her grazing bin. Like a good neighbor, I offered to help.
Concupiscence didn’t take long once we arrived at the farm. She came on pretty strong as we hoofed up the hill. Once inside, we began the mating ritual. Clothing was tossed to the floor, nostrils were flared and full nudity and adult situations ensued.
The weird part was, and the reason I’m even spinning this yarn, is what happened when I dismounted and she pounced on my exhausted frame. She bounced away at first, head back, eyes closed, lost in ecstasy until her arms suddenly spread and rapidly began flapping like a raptor in heat.
Then, in a brief moment of lucidity, her eyes cracked open and she witnessed me, in full light, for the first time. I’ve never been punched and kicked that many times without breaking penetration… all the time, snarling and snorting like a sailor.
I have never, nor will ever again, have an orgasm remotely approaching that one.
So, happy Memorial Day Americans!
And long live Adriano – the best example of professional surfing that we have had and will ever have. The rest are poor imitations of the machination.
Was that Blakey in his ear reminding him its 50k to wear his hat on the podium?
Actually, maybe Renato?
Our hero!
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Adriano cannot wear those outerknown overalls on stage
Actually, he could since OK now owns Fiji….Wait, they don’t OWN Fiji, well you know what I mean.