You after Stab calls and says, "You're hired!"
You after Stab calls and says, "You're hired!"

Dream Job: Stab editor-in-Chief!

Chas Smith

By

Stab magazine is hiring! Do you have what it takes?

Have you ever wanted to travel the world on limited notice? Be a gatekeeper? Handy with a keyboard? Evolve filmmakers? Upload stories? Brilliant medium director? Inspire a meme?

Well son of a bitch. Your dream job just became available.

Stab magazine says…

Rory, are you there? (The Rip Current one from Scotland)

Michael Ciaramella… what about you?

Nick Carroll?

Huma’s Tears?

Doobalchy?

Come on. One of you sons of bitches should apply.

Michael Kocher? You there? You need some money?

The British shark (smooth hound?) is marked by its crooked teeth and confused bearing.
The British shark (smooth hound?) is marked by its crooked teeth and confused bearing.

Horror: Shark attack in England!

Chas Smith

By

A bloody terror boils on Devonshire's pristine shore!

They’re everywhere. EVERYWHERE and don’t you wish global governments were unified in trying to stop shark attacks instead of Islamic terror?

I wish they were.

ISIS can go suck a fat one. They are just about to lose their homemade capital city in Iraq and  but sharks AYE AYE AYE! Sharks are on the move and grabbing stronghold after stronghold.

Kalani Robb is feeding them with drones while, halfway around the world, one is attacking a nice British teacher. The BBC reports:

A surfer said he fought with a “small shark” after being bitten off Bantham beach in south Devon.

Teacher Rich Thomson, 30, was left with a bruised leg and cuts to his hands after he hit it on the head.

No other incident of this type has happened to surfers in UK waters, according to experts who said the shark could have been a smooth hound.

Mr Thomson said the shark, estimated at about 1m (3ft) long, “grabbed me on the leg”.

“I turned round and saw this little shark was on my thigh and wriggling its head side to side,” said the seasoned surfer.

“I hit it on the head and it swam off.

“My hand was cut to pieces.”

“I went home and told my wife I was late because I had been bitten by a shark,” he said.

“She said ‘I’ve heard that one before’, but it was true.”

But wait. The shark could have been a smooth hound? Like, what kind of smooth hound? Like, an English Foxhound?

Mr. Rich Thomson could have gotten bit by his dog whilst going surfing? In either case his telling his wife that he was late because he was bit and his wife telling him, “I’ve heard that one before…” is my fav anecdote of the week.

So British!

Robb: “Let’s stoke the sharks out!”

Chas Smith

By

Kalani Robb and pals feed San Clemente's sharks with drone!

Southern California’s new shark population is causing consternation in many young San Clemente hearts but Kalani Robb don’t care because he is an islander! (Isn’t he?) Last week, as reported by Grind TV, the world’s favorite happy Hawaiian waiter decided he should feed the sharks a big ol’ fish by using a drone. Let’s watch the KTLA news report!

Kalani said he has surfed all around the world but never seen such a high concentration of sharks. Is hyperbole? It sounds hyperbole. He also said he wanted to feed sharks a fish with a drone to highlight how many sharks there are in the water for those who are planning on hitting the beach this summer. Is good idea? Is great! Valley stay home!

The lifeguards said baiting sharks “goes against our mission of keeping the beaches safe.”

Haters.

And a scientist told Grind TV, “I’m a little worried about all the crazy things people are doing with these sharks – chumming off public beaches to lure them to boats for viewing, intentionally trying to catch them and attaching floats to them as marker, dragging seal targets around to get them to strike, and now feeding them from drones off public beaches. All these activities change the sharks’ behavior and may increase the chances of someone in the area getting hurt.”

Hater.

BeachGrit says, “Everyone stay out of the water! Sharks everywhere! EVERYWHERE!”

Shrill and on point.

Fred Pawle

Definitive: Scientists to Count Great Whites!

Derek Rielly

By

Are Great Whites in abundance or clinging to survival? New study plans to find out!

Are you as perplexed by the surge of Great Whites in the surf, and the arguments for and against solving the problem, as me?

Nets and dangling hooks are terrible things (they kill so many friendly animals), but they work. Compare and contrast attacks in Ballina with the Gold Coast. (Zero on the GC.)

The ocean is the shark’s environment, but it’s a pleasant place for humans to frolic in, too.

The Great White is endangered various scientific bodies say, but attacks are more relevant than ever before in human history.

For me, the argument has to boil down to this. If the Great White is endangered, y’can’t kill ’em. We live (and die) with it until stocks are replenished. Then we ice a few to restore the balance.

But if they’re not endangered.

Well.

Git the ropes out boys! 

So we gotta count ’em, right? Put the issue to bed once and for all.

A few days ago, the Australian government announced it had given its scientific body CSIRO the task of counting Whites in their east coast nurseries (Newcastle to Seal Rocks) and to use that data to estimate the population on the west coast.

Even though the Great White has been protected in Australia since 1999, experts concede they don’t know how many of the animals live in Australian waters.

I wonder, are we imagining ourselves sick about the Great White or is there a current oversupply of the animal?

The study will be complete by December.

Richie Vas found the wrong side of a widow's peak.

Documentary: 2016’s Best Surf Comp!

Michael Ciaramella

By

We still get chills!

And it was one year ago yesterday that Mark Matthew’s sadistic brainchild, Red Bull Cape Fear, graced the screens of terrified spectators across the world.

On the competition’s one-year anniversary, Red Bull dropped a comprehensive documentary on the 2016 event. You should watch that here or, if short on time, read a brief synopsis below.

When Mark Matthews first saw the forecast, he didn’t believe it. In all his time as an east coast Aussie surfer, he’d never seen a storm of this magnitude marching its way across the Pacific. The fact that it fell within the waiting period for his signature “Big Wave” event, Red Bull Cape Fear, seemed to good to be true.

Then he saw the surf. Fifteen-foot Ours Cape Fear Cape Solander might sound cool on paper, but in reality it’s like watching one of those crash-test videos stuck on repeat. Considering Mark was unable to compete in the event (due to an injury suffered at Jaws a few months prior), he didn’t feel comfortable deciding whether or not it was safe enough to hold the event.

The decision went to an anonymous vote amongst the competitors, but it was longtime slab-specialist, Koby Abberton, who truly made the decision.

“I said, ‘We’re having this contest. This is what makes us’,” Koby explains in his motivational speech to competitors before the vote. “Before Tahiti I wasn’t that known. After Tahiti I was a worldwide name. Someone here will be a worldwide name at the end of this contest.”

From what I’ve heard, it’s not generally a good idea to tell Koby no — even if the alternative is a fifteen foot death slab. The event was called on, somehow nobody died, and the rest is history.

You really need to watch the doco though… high quality viewing!

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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