A man "pooed in his cap" for Christ's sake!
In a shocking report from yesterday’s Gold Coast Bulletin, Aussies have been getting super fucking wasted.
The drunkards are part of a traditional Aussie beach culture known as Surf Lifesaving Clubs. For our American and Pakistani readers, a Lifesaving Club is where adults cover their head with a funny-looking hat, wrap a hammock around their banana and play fun games at the beach. Parents then force their kids to enroll in Nippers and the cycle continues.
I don’t believe a Lifesaving Club member has ever saved an actual life, but I could be wrong.
Anyhow, it sounds like sporting ridiculous attire and rowing around in a little boat wasn’t enough for certain individuals. They wanted excitement, freedom, and a host of potential lawsuits brought on by their drunken antics. Let’s read from the Gold Coast Bulletin:
DRUNKEN patrons are using ladders to enter clubs and others are being evicted for headbutting walls as a boozy culture threatens to destroy the family image of Gold Coast life saving clubs.
Queensland’s Office of Liquor and Gaming Regulation is being asked to intervene after receiving complaints about fights between patrons, alleged overcapacity at indoor venues and use of outdoor keg storage areas for supporters’ clubs.
Photographs show several young men and women using a makeshift ladder to gain entry to the deck at the Tugun Surf Life Saving Club during the national titles.
Resident Terry Camp said he and others in the street watched as patrons were ejected from the club and went to the southeast corner of the building where they placed temporary footpath barriers against the wall to use as ladders.
And this is appalling! Grown adults who dress like something out of Pee-wee Herman’s wet dream should not be acting in such a fashion. I, for one, am ashamed on behalf of all Aussies but it doesn’t end here. Oh no, this issue of drunk Lifesavers is a chronic issue in today’s world. We’ll continue with the GCB:
A Gold Coast Bulletin report in May detailed how a Queenscliff surf club member “pooed in his cap” at an event at the Currumbin RSL after boaties went on a Mad Monday binge drinking tour of the Glitter Strip during the cancelled national titles.
And what the fucking shit? Kick a wombat and call me bogan but do not insult the jimmy hat.
To poo in one’s cap is not only an affront to the celebrated history of Lifesavers, but to the Australian continent as a whole. It’s the equivalent of strangling a bald eagle in America or supporting women’s rights in Pakistan. Absolutely disgusting.
A commenter named Cathy said it best: “[Lifesaving clubs] lost their family image years ago. Booze, pokies and hot chips. Nothing to do with surf safety.”
What have you to say for yourself, Australia?
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News Flash! An Australian, or a large gathering of Australians getting drunk is not news. Adding poo does not make it any more newsworthy. Getting caught with a small quantity of pot in Kuta however is a different matter.
1) Lifeguards are professionals, and enjoy getting drunk. Save lives, good folk
2) Surf Club Presidents, Treasurers, Head Honchos are fucking vermin, sucking from the tit of free public land lease. Love nothing better then wasting money on surf boats and other shit unrelated to saving lives. Feel free to spit on their minions selling lotto tickets outside Coles. Show no pity
I’m going to steal that that goddamn no parking sign you fuckers, it’s public land you shitheads
It’s not low tide till this arvo.
I’ve never felt more proud to be Australian. Smashin tins and shittin in bins
A nice game of Soggy Sao is a quite popular celebratory activity too.
What are “pokies and hot chips?” (Booze I’m well acquainted with.)
Seriously, the Ozzie language sounds like a bunch of made up jargon; like the language of the three stooges
Pokies are slot machines and hot chips are fat fries
Thanks!
Fuck if a poo in the cap was the worst drunken atrocity at the Boaties convention then it has been a very quiet year. That year the cops and organisers thought it would be a good idea to fence them in around Kurrawa Surf Club and just leave them there to drink piss like some sort of weird zoo, now that was funny.
Personally I reckon the competing clubbies are ok. Mostly locals and are very fucking good water people. Its the new breed of lifesaver clubbie that are fucking horrendous. Blow in from suburbia somewhere can barely swim let alone handle a large rescue board in any type of surf above a ripple. They are pushed through their bronze medallion with very very very poor ocean skills if in fact any at all. Handed a red and yellow uniform and turn into floggers of the highest order. Shithouse.
There is a long ongoing problem with clubbies. The mob getting pissed at the Aussie Titles or in the club on a sunday arvo are not part of that problem. Plenty of that mob are cunts but not like the useless cunts they stick on the beach supposedly to save lives.
this is grim but true Adam! In Sydney the surf club movement has become a social entry point for British IT consultants and dreadful local dignitaries, and the sort of people who very much want to be on Committees. Almost nobody can swim yet they insist on blowing whistles and waving flags at innocent beachgoers who have unfortunately strayed beyond the mandated bathing area. Not only that, they appear to enjoy dressing up like Ronald McDonald. I do it too but with gritted teeth, in the hope that at least if I am around, less people will be harangued by whistle blowing British IT consultants. Thank god for bluebottles I say. It keeps them busy.
“the sort of people who very much want to be on Committees” is maybe my favorite descriptor of all time
Yeah, a bunch of people popped into my mind. Btw, great article; very fun from an American perspective, i.e., shitting in a cap is something I’d expect them to do, haha, they’re mental.
Sums it all up pretty well. My view is I respect the professional life guards and generally view the clubbies with derision as they are more of a liability in the water than anything – apart from yourself obviously 🙂
It may be time we reach out to great whites to help us cull British IT Consultants. On the useless scale, great whites beat out British IT Consultants and SUC/K humans. They’re just confused by us surfers’ such harsh peel angle approach to establishing a dialogue between surfers and great whites.
Made my Grandma watch one guy two caps, wasn’t her favourite.
Oh come on. What’s a poo in a cap?
Something that is worth two poos in the bush.
If a poo is in a bush where it cannot be seen, is it really a poo?