What sort of person are you when the surf turns
on?
What happens to your heart when you know that
better than good, maybe even epic, surf is headed your way? Does it
soar into unspeakable ecstasy because you know exactly where you
are going to go and at what time and with what board? Or does
stutter into paroxysms of dislocation because should you go here or
there? Should you go at this time or that? Should you ride one
board or the other and whom should you invite?
When the surf is poor I feel we are all equal experts but when
it has the chance to be good then we are separated by chasms. What
is your “good surf is here” modus operandi? Are you…
…the sort that paddles out at the most well-known spot in the
morning?
…the sort that sits with your map, tide booklet, while online
looking at winds, pinpointing the place and moments you will
surf?
…the sort that calls your bro who knows?
…the sort who heads out the front even though the swell is
totally going to miss out the front?
…the sort who drives up and down the coast up and down the coast
up and down the coast fearing that whichever spot you choose will
not be the best of the best of the best?
…the sort that sits at home because it is going to be so fucking
crowded everywhere and screw it?
…the sort heads toward the spot that the swell is missing on
purpose because bigger waves scare?
…the sort that wishes “swell events” stopped happening because
decisions are difficult?
…the sort that lives for this?
I am the sort that stalks Damien Hobgood and paddles out where I
think he is on an inappropriately short surfboard.
Not too cool but also better than drive up and down the coast
bro.
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Steph or Rasta? The world may never know! Oh wait...
it's Steph. | Photo: Morgan Maassen
Sex: Rasta, Steph reverse gender
norms!
By Chas Smith
Vanity Fair calls it "a surprising moment of
political self-awareness!"
Have you seen Taylor Steele’s latest, and maybe
last, surf film Proximity? I have not and would have
continued to not if I hadn’t read a little nugget in the most
recent Vanity Fair. Steele along with Rob Machado were in
Montauk at the famous Surf Lodge screening the film and mingling
with Rose McGowan who screened a short film too.
Do you remember Rose McGowan? She was in Scream and
married, briefly, to Marilyn Manson. Or maybe they just dated.
Whichever the case she is now a filmmaker and Vanity Fair
described her short as, “Confident, poetic, and bathed in saturated
reds and greens…”
Nice, no?
Even nicer, though, was the review given to Taylor Steele’s
offering. Let’s read…
McGowan’s film screened directly before Proximity, a
55-minute cinematic surf-dream directed by Taylor Steele, featuring
a seasoned, Buddha-like Kelly Slater and the ultra-slick Rob
Machado. In one particular scene, pro surfers Dave Rastovich and
Stephanie Gilmore—a female surfer who, earlier in the film,
compliments Rastovich on his occasionally feminine surfing
sensibilities, effectively reversing gender norms in a surprising
moment of political self-awareness—catch a seemingly perfect wave
together. In one long, glorious shot, the pair dance, carve, and
intertwine like two exotic birds in a wild double-helix courting
ritual. It was pure instinctual magic.
Buddha-like Kelly Slater? Ultra-slick Rob Machado? Gender
bending Steph and Rasta surprising in a moment of political
self-awareness?
Yes, I think I will see Proximity and I think you will
too.
Or do you hate the idea of genderless bathrooms? Or does this
sort of Libtard talk fill you with uncontrollable rage?
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Podcast: Forced marriage, Wilko’s hair
etc!
By The Editors
Chas Smith and broadcaster David Scales tackle the
big issues!
Recently, Chas Smith had his bi-weekly frolic
with the podcaster David Scales on his show Surf Splendor. Usually, I find
podcasts an ordeal, a torture likely to put me in bed for a week or
longer.
Does anyone know how to cut the dead air? The gags that don’t
work? The eternal diversions that stretch the things beyond an
hour?
Mr Scales, however, is a passionate broadcaster, and pedant,
whose fury when the rules of grammar are broken is something worth
listening to. Last week, Albee Layer had his neck wrung; today it’s
Martin Potter for using the world literally instead of
figuratively.
(Will someone point out to Mr Scales about his own grammar
crimes, such as the unstoppable onslaught of the word,
like, as a filler word, the Californian semi-colon.)
Chas, meanwhile, talks about Wilko’s hair, why forced marriage
is a good thing, the ideal body shape for surfers, front-foot deck
grip, soft surfboards and so forth.
It’s light but it ain’t indolent.
Listen.
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Paul Snow, Dixon Park.
Wow: When Pipe comes to town!
By Derek Rielly
Newcastle's Dixon Park turns into Pipe for one
beautiful day!
Newcastle is a funny lil metropolis two hours drive
north of Sydney. It ain’t quite rural but, despite its
size, it ain’t quite city.
And so you have a swinging hipster scene, the sort that spawned
Craig Anderson, contrasting with ferocious Australiana, best
personified by the former CTer Matt Hoy.
What unifies Newcastle is an occasionally remarkable series of
beaches. With the right swell, oowee, you could be at any
world-class reef.
“Eight-footers, no problem with that, way overhead,” says Bosko.
It was a session populated by a squad (squad in the military rather
than pop culture sense, as in eight to twenty four men) of less
than a dozen surfers.
The usual crew says Bosko. Ryan Callinan, Chad Edser, Ryhs
Smith, Travis Lynch, even sixty-six-year-old local schoolteacher
Tim Laurie.
Bosko describes a wave during the session pictured where Laurie,
“who absolutely fucking charges”, took off sideways into the barrel
and was “absolutely imploded. Sixty-six years old, mate,” says
Bosko.
The surfer inside this cabana is Paul Snow, who got barrelled so
far down the line Bosko has no idea if he came out of it.
I’ve seen a lot of photos of Newcastle, Luke Egan, Hoy, Ando and
so forth thrusting themselves sideways and upwards, but this image
electrifies me.
It touches on that dream you have as a kid when, once, just
once, your local beach turns into Pipe. And, you, having grown up
surfing it, are the king for one day.
Does this photo affect you in a similar way?
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Jordy Smith is the worst safety surfer on tour. Did you
notice after the Grit bought numerical analysis to the game that
the WSL cribbed it? I did. This time an analysis of Jordy
turn-by-turn was done. I went through every single one of his
scoring waves and gave every turn a number from 1-10. Ten was the
highest-risk turn, the most radical and zero was, well, falling off
or doing nothing. Jordy's camp can rail against this and shoot the
messenger or they can do the analysis themselves and face the
reality. Absent an angry, belligerent Jordy, what we get is safe,
low energy surfing. As a reference point, Jordy's standard top-turn
wrap, a turn he can do with zero risk 99.99% of the time, was
assigned a five. This was painstaking, tedious work. Out of 85
counted turns, 17 scored in the excellent range (eight and above)
and eight of those came in a single heat (round five resurf against
Conner Coffin, Jordy's best heat by a mile). Jordy's average turn
score came in at a very safe 6.22. That is, safe surfing. | Photo:
WSL/@tsherms
Jordy Smith: “Tour’s #1 safety
surfer!”
By Longtom
Writer analyses every single scoring wave of Jordy
Smith at J-Bay. The results will shock!
This was supposed to happen the next day but I
ran into an old friend in the carpark and a few shots of spiced
rums later there we went again, no sober analysis.
Then, the local point was falling out of the sky over the
weekend and the sober analysis got kicked to the kerb.
But this one is real.
Straight up, there were five or six surfers in the draw who,
theoretically, could have done what Filipe did. And I include
Italo, Gabby, and reluctantly Kolohe in that list, but only one
other likely to do it in a heat, that being John John Florence.
But while John could have done it but didn’t, Filipe did. Not
once, but twice.
John didn’t because he has been trained, both by his own hand
and by his coach, to restrict the performance envelope. This is
what pro surfing does. It penalises mistakes so heavily because of
the format that a certain amount of conservatism is mandatory. John
has learnt to surf at a lesser level than his peak best, as has
every other member of the top ten. The only exception to this rule
being Kelly Slater, who has learnt to surf better in competition
than he does in free surfs.
Or had.
Any quasi-competent recreational surfer could ride J-Bay as
beautiful as it gets and stitch together a pair of threes on
best-ever rides. Any competent pointbreak surfer can ride the tube
at Supers. The pro’s are expected to exploit that canvas to reach
hitherto unseen levels of performance.
That is what makes Filipe’s wave, his overall performance,
despite some stylistic flaws, the best in pro surfing history. The
fact that he was so easily able and willing to overcome the
inherent conservatism of a man-on-man heat and the pro surfing
format in general.
Mick Fanning said the wave (J-Bay) is the star and we are just
here to do nothing and make the wave look good.
Au contraire Michael.
Any quasi-competent recreational surfer could ride J-Bay as
beautiful as it gets and stitch together a pair of threes on
best-ever rides. Any competent pointbreak surfer can ride the tube
at Supers. The pro’s are expected to exploit that canvas to reach
hitherto unseen levels of performance.
And, by and large, they didn’t.
When you consider Andy Irons opened the final at Barra in Mexico
in 2006, more than 10 years ago, with a lofty straight air as an
opening move. A section connector. And you consider what Filipe
did, you realise how much music has been left unplayed.
Jordy Smith is the worst safety surfer on tour. Did you notice
after the Grit bought numerical analysis to the game that
the WSL cribbed it? I did. This time an analysis of Jordy
turn-by-turn was done. I went through every single one of his
scoring waves and gave every turn a number from 1-10. Ten was the
highest-risk turn, the most radical and zero was, well, falling off
or doing nothing.
Jordy’s camp can rail against this and shoot the messenger or
they can do the analysis themselves and face the reality. Absent an
angry, belligerent Jordy, what we get is safe, low energy
surfing.
As a reference point, Jordy’s standard top-turn wrap, a turn he
can do with zero risk 99.99% of the time, was assigned a five. This
was painstaking, tedious work. Out of 85 counted turns, 17 scored
in the excellent range (eight and above) and eight of those came in
a single heat (round five resurf against Conner Coffin, Jordy’s
best heat by a mile).
Jordy’s average turn score came in at a very safe 6.22. That is,
safe surfing.
Jordy’s camp can rail against this and shoot the messenger or
they can do the analysis themselves and face the reality. Absent an
angry, belligerent Jordy, what we get is safe, low energy
surfing.
Sad, yes. Inevitable, no.
Nothing lights up the proud surfwriter more than going sloppy
fourths on a subject. On the tens there is only one conclusion we
can reach and it is well supported by the science of
psychology.
A mass abrogation of executive function bought on by a sustained
period of emotional over-excitement and subsequent discharge.
Translated: Judges lost their marbles after viewing too
many perfect waves. You can Google all this Richie Porta. Type
executive function, human decision making, effects of emotion,
cognitive bias, flaws in decision making etc.
It’s all there. No blame, no judgement. What’s astounding is not
when judges freak out but how often they get it right. We can wait
until the next iteration of pro surfing before judging changes.
