And other Kickstarter campaigns we'd love to
see!
The following investment opportunities are not real and
intended only for entertainment purposes (unless you think
otherwise, you know what I mean?).
Hello, boys and girls. Thanks for visiting my
Kickstarter page.
I’ve got a few new products just for us surfers and I want YOU
to be a part. I want to spread the wealth to all my tri-finned
friends. Why? Because I care. Because we’re bound together by the
tides. And nothing is stronger than that.
Except cash. We just need a little green to get us going,
pals.
Getting in on this action is gonna cost a measly couple of
bucks, but well worth it on the back end. Whaddya gonna do with
those bills in your pocket, anyway?
Buy wax? Scrape that off of your neighbor’s boards at night?
You gotta jump on one of these. Big cash guaranteed,
friends.
A NEW GAMING SERIES
Dolphin Slayer:
You’ve always wanted to jump on the back of one. But admit it,
you’ve sort of always wanted to punch one, too. Now’s your chance.
Let’s make this video game for everyone who gets the crap scared
out of them when those little pretenders, one of these wannabe
threshers pops up next to us. “Oh, look at me, everyone. My trachea
is anterior of my brain.” Big deal. Gimme some money to put this
game into production. Digital payback.
Climate Assassins:
Grand theft what? Famed diver Jacques Mayol said, “We
are inseparable from mother earth. We are one.” But he never
made it to level three. This one’ll be on shelves within a couple
months. You can waste your time with junk like memorizing
right-angle postulates, considering a reverse mortgage, and
learning how to read. Or you can lay some cash down and make a
killing.
Landfill-Seafill:
Remember when you and your friends used to put pieces of
pumpernickel bread on your shoes and wait for a seagull to come by
so you could kick it? It’s like that kind of fun, only better. In
our new online concept, players can compete against the best
virtual polluters in the world. Give what you can. Take the
rest.
DISPOSABLE WETSUITS
Supposedly, one in three hundred people in the U.S. have a
peanut allergy. Well, guess what? Boo-hoo. The other 299 of us have
bigger problems than a little throat swelling – like what to do
with old, dry-rotting wetsuits.
So, here’s the gig: These wetsuits have a brick-sized pouch on
the inside. When you’re done with the suit, just quietly slip a few
rocks in the pouch and let it peacefully sink down on top of your
favorite break. Just Pop and Drop, baby! Instant reef and your
wetsuit is never seen again. No mess and it’s gone for good. Just
like in Landfill-Seafill! Here’s your opportunity to
be a part of the solution. And it’s just good science.
DISPOSABLE WETSUIT CRAP BAG
You want disruptive technology? How ‘bout a little built-in
breakaway crap bag fo ya? How’s that for disruptive? How many times
have you borrowed your friend’s seal -lined wetsuit only to return
in with your leftovers still in it? Awkward, right? But not
anymore. This little neoprene add-on can rip right off after you
take care of business. Just tear the velcro seal and toss it away.
No mess, no explanations. Just watch as the bag floats away
peacefully down the line. Biodiversity at its finest.
PAVE THE BAY CAMPAIGN
Ok, forget about the wetsuit thing for a second. You
want a real investment, don’t you? That bridge in San Fran
is just one big hassle – and – you – know – it. Oh, sure. You say,
“Shouldn’t we be transforming our world into something greater?
Shouldn’t we be evolving as a species?” Evolving?
Darwin married his cousin. What we really want is easy access to
waves, am I right? Bang. Toll-bridge cash, every day, baby. Help me
get this done.
SUPER-SAVER SURF ADVENTURES
My uncle Bert told me stories about his trips to South America
in the sixties. Unfortunately, Uncle Bert ended up getting arrested
for seeing too many colors. Now you can go on a great surf trip
like Bert, too, but without the jail time or melting face. Paraguay
awaits!
Yes, South America, friend. Land of endless lefts. Of course,
you can waste your money draggin’ your board on the rocks all the
way back up the point at Chicama, eat a fried guinea pig on the way
while you’re at it. Or… visit me in Paraguay! No crowded waves, no
long paddles, no nothing. That’s right. No sardine-packed line ups,
no problems.
GUARANTEED!*
PUMPERNICKEL
I need five bucks for some pumpernickel. Meet me at O-side Pier.
Saturday.
*Not guaranteed.
