And other Kickstarter campaigns we'd love to see!
The following investment opportunities are not real and intended only for entertainment purposes (unless you think otherwise, you know what I mean?).
Hello, boys and girls. Thanks for visiting my Kickstarter page.
I’ve got a few new products just for us surfers and I want YOU to be a part. I want to spread the wealth to all my tri-finned friends. Why? Because I care. Because we’re bound together by the tides. And nothing is stronger than that.
Except cash. We just need a little green to get us going, pals.
Getting in on this action is gonna cost a measly couple of bucks, but well worth it on the back end. Whaddya gonna do with those bills in your pocket, anyway?
Buy wax? Scrape that off of your neighbor’s boards at night?
You gotta jump on one of these. Big cash guaranteed, friends.
A NEW GAMING SERIES
You’ve always wanted to jump on the back of one. But admit it, you’ve sort of always wanted to punch one, too. Now’s your chance. Let’s make this video game for everyone who gets the crap scared out of them when those little pretenders, one of these wannabe threshers pops up next to us. “Oh, look at me, everyone. My trachea is anterior of my brain.” Big deal. Gimme some money to put this game into production. Digital payback.
Grand theft what? Famed diver Jacques Mayol said, “We are inseparable from mother earth. We are one.” But he never made it to level three. This one’ll be on shelves within a couple months. You can waste your time with junk like memorizing right-angle postulates, considering a reverse mortgage, and learning how to read. Or you can lay some cash down and make a killing.
Remember when you and your friends used to put pieces of pumpernickel bread on your shoes and wait for a seagull to come by so you could kick it? It’s like that kind of fun, only better. In our new online concept, players can compete against the best virtual polluters in the world. Give what you can. Take the rest.
Supposedly, one in three hundred people in the U.S. have a peanut allergy. Well, guess what? Boo-hoo. The other 299 of us have bigger problems than a little throat swelling – like what to do with old, dry-rotting wetsuits.
So, here’s the gig: These wetsuits have a brick-sized pouch on the inside. When you’re done with the suit, just quietly slip a few rocks in the pouch and let it peacefully sink down on top of your favorite break. Just Pop and Drop, baby! Instant reef and your wetsuit is never seen again. No mess and it’s gone for good. Just like in Landfill-Seafill! Here’s your opportunity to be a part of the solution. And it’s just good science.
DISPOSABLE WETSUIT CRAP BAG
You want disruptive technology? How ‘bout a little built-in breakaway crap bag fo ya? How’s that for disruptive? How many times have you borrowed your friend’s seal -lined wetsuit only to return in with your leftovers still in it? Awkward, right? But not anymore. This little neoprene add-on can rip right off after you take care of business. Just tear the velcro seal and toss it away. No mess, no explanations. Just watch as the bag floats away peacefully down the line. Biodiversity at its finest.
PAVE THE BAY CAMPAIGN
Ok, forget about the wetsuit thing for a second. You want a real investment, don’t you? That bridge in San Fran is just one big hassle – and – you – know – it. Oh, sure. You say, “Shouldn’t we be transforming our world into something greater? Shouldn’t we be evolving as a species?” Evolving? Darwin married his cousin. What we really want is easy access to waves, am I right? Bang. Toll-bridge cash, every day, baby. Help me get this done.
SUPER-SAVER SURF ADVENTURES
My uncle Bert told me stories about his trips to South America in the sixties. Unfortunately, Uncle Bert ended up getting arrested for seeing too many colors. Now you can go on a great surf trip like Bert, too, but without the jail time or melting face. Paraguay awaits!
Yes, South America, friend. Land of endless lefts. Of course, you can waste your money draggin’ your board on the rocks all the way back up the point at Chicama, eat a fried guinea pig on the way while you’re at it. Or… visit me in Paraguay! No crowded waves, no long paddles, no nothing. That’s right. No sardine-packed line ups, no problems.
I need five bucks for some pumpernickel. Meet me at O-side Pier. Saturday.