Globalism: “I am Brazilian too!”

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

The world needs more uniters.

We live in the most divisive of times, blacks hating whites, browns hating whites, whites hating whites, whites hating taxes, whites hating healthcare, whites hating intercontinental ballistic missiles, whites hating North American free trade and I think this is all very sad. Oh of course our surf bubble is not immune. We bicker like the rest of them and maybe even worse. Australians hating Brazilians, Americans hating Brazilians, Hawaiians hating Brazilians, the French hating Brazilians, etc. A bunch of ugly nationalists.

This polarization is getting us nowhere though. And it is sad. So today I went looking for a role model. Someone we could all look to as an example of open-hearted civility in these darkest days. Someone we could hold up and emulate.

And I found that person.

Me.

Chas Smith.

Before the Corona J-Bay Open, you see, I set my Fantasy Surfer team to “all Brazilian.” That’s right. I paddled Adriano de Souza, Gabriel Medina, Filipe Toledo, Italo Ferreira, Caio Ibelli, Wiggolly Dantas, Miguel Pupo and Jadson Andre into the best J-Bay ever and they performed horribly.

But you know what? I forgot that I had a Fantasy Surfer team and so also paddled them into the Hurley Pro where they did better and the Quiksilver Pro where they did worse. And now my team is 20,662 out of 21,583.

Expect to see me interviewed by Anderson Cooper soon. And don’t forget your tissues.

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Choose: Your Stoke Ambassador!

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

The WSL is electing your voice! Choose wisely!

Being grouchy really brands a man as old and irrelevant, know what I’m saying? Or brands a man Gen-X which is pretty much the same thing. The kids aren’t grouchy. They are filled with hope and passion even though their entire world is ending in a hail of North Korean missiles and rising sea levels. Just kidding. Kim Jong Un will never really succeed and global warming is a lie. Know what I’m saying?

But how did we get so far away from Stoke and Leisure? Your World Surf league Ambassador of Stoke and Leisure finalists are in and YOU get to decide! Should we meet them?

YES WE SHOULD!

1) Jason who says, “I’m the biggest gas station around. I use practices such as yoga, meditation, earthing, surfing and skating to fill my energy tank – not other people.”

2) Linda who says, “I’m stoked about surfing, coconuts, shells, people, stray dogs, mangos, sand between my toes, sunlight, sand in my wetsuit, bonfires, sand in my bed, moonshine, acoustic guitars, flashmobs, sand in my bikini…”

3) Mariana who says, “I’ve been working and traveling for a long time and I absolutely LOVED it.”

4) Sara who says, “eat as much coconut as i can and .. why not? share one with John John Florence!”

5) Scott who says, “I have those cahoonas and I’m ready for this challenge if given the opportunity.”

6) Adam who says, “Everything I have done, seen, and accomplished this far in my life has led me to this point.”

7) Zach who says, “Whether I get the position or not, I’m way too obsessed with filmmaking, photography, travel, surf, and the world of adventure to ever give up the dream.”

8) Pat who says, ” I’ve been told my spirit animal is a yellow labrador.”

Soooooooooooooooo? Who you feeling? Don’t be lazy. Vote today!

And it may totally read like I’m being ironic but I am not. Irony is cheap. Grouchy is out. Let’s embrace hope!

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Watch: Kelly struggle with gender fluidity!

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

The world's greatest surfer delivers an object lesson!

Gender fluidity is the buzziest thing since wearing jeans backwards. It is all over the place and I’m not just talking about the TQ in LGBTQ. I’m talking everything from Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik sharing a wardrobe all the way to the non-binary scene. Those who don’t identify as male and don’t identify as female.

Much buzzy.

And we all have learned the proper way to respond to the genderqueer/agender/gender non-forthcoming. If a person tells you, for example, they are not a mr or a ms but an mx then you know to nod and say, “Nice to meet you, ze or zir…” while not smiling but also not not smiling.

Easy.

But back in the dark old days of 2010 it was not easy. We were ignorant like cattle and thought humans were either male or female. Like cattle.

And let us watch a video of the world’s greatest surfer encounter Zazon in France in 2010. She claims to simply have been born a boy but transitioned to a girl so she could win the heart of Kelly Slater. Tres romantic and not at all even very fluid. And how does Kelly respond? Let’s watch!

Oh no. Oh no no no. No no no no no no no. This is like listening to my grandma talk about race relations back in the 1980s. No. No no no oh no. The real problem is that he dares correct zim’s assertion that “I am a huge fan of yours since I’m a little boy…” by saying, “Little girl.”

Ouch!

Such a cisgenderist! Such a dualist! Such a bianist!

I totally assume Kelly Slater knows the correct verbiage/understanding now and of course we don’t hold this against him but we also kind of do if ze’re going to be honest.

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The profound wisdom of Ricky Toledo whispered into the ear hole of his son Filipe.

Watch: Filipe Toledo’s New Profile Film!

By Derek Rielly

7 years ago

Ravishingly insolent surf star scrupulously examined!

Filipe Toledo is a ravishingly insolent surfer who does not pull punches or take prisoners. His double-oop at J-Bay stood as a corrective to the safety surfing of Jordy Smith; the recent win at Trestles, uncomplicated by any hiccup or discontent, enforced the cult of Filipe.

Released a few hours ago is the eight-minute short film Flowness which profiles the recent history of Filipe, his move to San Clemente and so forth.

The effect of Family on Filipe is scrupulously itemised: the group prayers, Ricardo helping sticker up the boards, mama T helping with his baby Mahina (the little girl he created with model Ananda Marcal whom another pro surfer described to me as the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen up close), Filipe skateboarding down his street in San Clemente with Mahina in his arms, the clapping, the dancing, the soccer.

This short film is a moving examination of a boy in the modern world, the trials of sport and the importance of love.

Filipe’s surfing, of course, is of a standard few are able to envisage let alone formulate.

It’s upbeat!

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Fanning: “I’ll help coach Aussie team!”

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

Mick Fanning signals his 2020 Olympic direction!

It has been a year or such since the announcement that surfing will be included in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics and we’ve all had time to digest. While I have gone on record to point out that surfing in the Olympics will be “stupid,” I am quietly intrigued by various storylines.

Like… the nationalist fires that will begin to burn. Maybe? I mean, I can’t imagine caring if an American wins and I can’t imagine you caring if an Australian wins but for sure all of Brazil will care if a Brazilian wins. They will care to the point of becoming super annoying thus pushing Americans and Australians into naturally xenophobic positions which could easily be mistaken as broadly racist positions. Will surfing then become the favorite sport of the alt-right? Will BeachGrit do a deal with Breitbart? I told you. Intriguing.

Also… coaching. Bede “The White Fijian” Durbidge has already been tapped to lead Australia’s contingent but today Mick Fanning raised his hand and asked for an assistantship. Let’s read olympics.com!

Back to the sport he has served with such distinction for the past 14 years. Fanning was over the moon when he heard that surfing will be on the programme in Tokyo in 2020.

“I’m a big sports fan and I always enjoy watching the Olympics so I can’t wait to see what kind of performances and pressure we see with medals up for grabs,” said the man who was champion surfer in 2007, 2009 and 2013.

At 36 and currently sitting outside the top 10 of the WSL Tour ranking, Fanning is not certain of exactly how he wants to be involved, he just knows he has to be there.

“I guess I wouldn’t completely rule it out (competing in 2020) but there’s so much talent coming through the ranks at the moment and my guess is that by 2020 there will be better prospects for medals for Australia,” he said. “If that’s the case I’d love to assist an Aussie team in a coaching role.”

Now that is a super coaching duo. Bede n Mick. I totally bet Joel comes on too and they all aggressively drink Balter in between heats.

But who do you think will coach the U.S. team? I’m putting my money on Brett Simpson. I think he would do well. And I think he will tap Taylor “Cap’n America” Knox for his number two.

And Brazil? I’m going with the surprise announcement of player/coach Neco Padaratz with the surprise selection of Sunny Garcia as his second.

Who will coach Team France?

What about Team Portugal?

What about Team Hawaii?

Very intriguing.

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Eat beach grit spam!