It has been seven years since the Hawaiian
legend Andy Irons left this mortal coil and it’s wild how fast time
flies. It seems like just yesterday he was on the comeback trail
and just two days ago that he was challenging the dominance of one
Kelly Slater. Standing straight as an arrow in massive Teahupo’o
pits. Hoisting world championship cuts over his handsome
visage.
His story is equal measure beauty and tragedy and it is why most
of the surf media remembers him every year on the day he died.
BeachGrit did not yesterday because Derek and I were
together and surfing. Stab did, asking both Kelly Slater
and Mason Ho for some thoughts and let’s read Kelly’s.
We were at dinner [Gold Coast, 2008] and he was asking me
and my girl about food and what we make. I told him we made almond
milk, and he was baffled that I knew how to make it. It nearly
didn’t compute with him. I was supposed to make him some but he
never came by on that trip.
In Stab’s supple hands everything becomes high art and
this is beat poetry. Here, let me play some jazz and then let’s
read again.
We were at dinner [Gold Coast, 2008] and he was asking me
and my girl about food and what we make.
I told him we made almond milk.
He was baffled that I knew how to make it.
It nearly didn’t compute with him.
I was supposed to make him some.
But he never came by on that trip.
Dig.
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Surf film: “Lost cultural cache!”
By Chas Smith
"No difference between pro surfer and pro tennis
player!"
When was the last surf film you’ve watched and
been very very excited about? For me, I can tell you, it was just
two days ago when I watched Vaughn Blakey’s near epic Scary
Good. But what about a bigger surf film? One that
transcended our little bubble and had boys and girls from Topeka
dreaming? Like Big Wednesday, The Endless Summer,
etc. Maybe not since the 1970s. Ooo-ee, that’s a dry spell.
But why? What happened to us? Are we patently uncool now?
Thankfully The
Guardian asked the legendary Jamie Brisick. And
let’s read:
In the past decade, however, audiences appear to have lost
interest, leaving surf films to flounder: the 2015 Point Break
remake from Fast and the Furious cinematographer Ericson Core was
critically pummelled, while Matthew McConaughey and Woody
Harrelson’s 2008 movie Surfer, Dude belly-flopped at the box
office. Part of the reason is that these days surfing no longer has
a subcultural lure that lends itself to good storytelling. It is
now a broad, mass-participation sport. “If you watch surf films
made before 1996 you see a lot of people out of work,” says the
writer, former US pro surfer and ex-editor of Surfing magazine,
Jamie Brisick. “Back then, you didn’t know when you were going to
get the good waves. Everyone was waiting around, because they don’t
want to miss the surf.”
The arrival of accurate wave forecasting also allowed for
greater career opportunities. “Surfers could plan their week,” says
Brisick. “It became less time-consuming than it once was, and much
more of a big business. Now there’s not much difference between a
pro surfer and pro tennis player.” If surfing was now big business,
it no longer worked as cinematic shorthand for “romantic
outsiderdom”, nor as the perfect setting for the dangerous, outcast
protagonist.
Well hell. That’s pretty depressive. But wait. I don’t think Mr.
Brisick has fully explored my turn as a pro surf
writer. I feel there is all kinds of romantic
outsiderdom for me to discover. I also feel I can be a very
dangerous, outcast antagonist.
Scene:
(It is a gloomy fall day in Cardiff by the Sea. The reef is
pumping but filled with all sorts of longer boards and SUPs. A
solitary figure stands in the parking lot with a 5’10 19.25 under
one arm and a computer/wireless keyboard under the other since his
computer’s keyboard doesn’t work anymore because it got drowned in
booze. A teenaged boy rides by on an electric bicycle)
Teenaged boy: What are you trying to be mister?
Chas Smith: Get lost, kid.
How’s that for a start?
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Dear Olympics: SUP IS NOT SURFING!
By Chas Smith
The debate is over!
You read right here, 5
months ago, that the Canoe Federation and the International Surfing
Federation are in a protracted fight to keep SUP.
Keep.
As in to have and to hold.
And I have no idea what ISF president Fernando Aguerre is
thinking. This is our chance. This is our opportunity to cut out
the cancer and be freed forever from a horrible curse. This is our
moment yet somehow he is misguided. Let us read from the Canadian
Broadcast Corporation:
The Canoe Federation thinks it’s the obvious choice, since
SUP requires a paddle. “ICF statutes state clearly that a person
using a paddle as a main form of propulsion whilst on a craft in
water is canoeing, paddling,” International Canoe Federation
secretary general Ian Toulson told Reuters in April.
The Surfing Association folks say it’s not as simple as
that, it’s more nuanced.
“This is not a canoe. This is not a kayak,” International
Surfing Association president Fernando Aguerre told NPR in
June.
“Sure, it may look similar. But you know, you can play
soccer with a basketball and you can play soccer with a volleyball,
but they’re not the same sport.”
And dear Olympic committee, allow me to weigh in for surfers
everywhere. I have no idea what Mr. Aguerre’s analogy is trying to
get at but SUP is not surfing. It is canoeing and the moniker has
already been changed to SUCing by the real surfers here on
BeachGrit.
So debate over. Canoe wins. Yay for them.
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Revealed: Why Florida surfers rule!
By Chas Smith
Kelly Slater allegedly reveals the secret!
Have you been to Florida? I have and driving
from base to tip of that generally sweaty phallus altered my
deep-seated prejudices. Altered them to the point where, preparing
to leave for home I thought, “If someone held a gun to my head and
said, ‘You are moving to Florida, cunt*.’ I wouldn’t even be
upset.”
Before touching down in Orlando, I thought Florida was home to
Castro-hating Cubans, Confederate flag-loving crackers, hurricanes,
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Ernest Hemingway’s cats and very small
surf. Oh, of course I was right but it is also home to so much
more. The Scientology Sea-Org headquarters, strip clubs, Cracker
Barrels, the University of Florida and Florida State University,
Ron Jon Surf Shops, a statue of Kelly Slater and so much more.
But speaking of that statue of Kelly Slater, you know that he
hails from Cocoa Beach some few minutes north of Melbourne, which
is where the Hobgoods are from (I think) and some few minutes south
of New Burna, where Aaron Cormican is from, which is almost near
Ormond Beach, where Lisa Andersen is from, and I could pretty much
go on all day.
And how so many good surfers in Florida? The surf is very small
and also not good. How such star power?
Well, I was told a story today from someone who knows Kelly
Slater well. This person said, “Kelly says the reason that surfers
from Florida are so good is because the waves are super fast and
dumpy and so you have to pop to your feet crazy quick to even have
a chance to get down the line. Florida surfers have this ability
better than any other surfers and it translates to Pipeline and
everywhere else he says…”
Now, I have no way of knowing if Kelly really said this or
something like this or if the person was confused. I plan on asking
him but in the meantime, do you think it is true? Is it why Kelly
is a Pipe Master? Why the Hobgoods are untouchable in the heaviest
Indonesian reef passes?
Should we all move to Florida even without guns pressed to our
heads or getting called “cunt*”?
*The Inertia has a fine story about getting called a
cunt but the website spells it “c*nt.” I encourage you to read
I Got Called a C*nt by a
Grown Man.
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Watch: Mag makes best surf film of
2017!
By Derek Rielly
Watch, and hear, Dane Reynolds sing Piss In My
Mouth!
In case you’re not aware, Vaughan Blakey is the deeply
talented older brother of the WSL commentator Ronnie. He
is also the co-frontman, alongside Ozzie Wright, of the band,
Goons of Doom, and makes a living as the editor of the
Australian magazine, Surfing World.
Recently, Vaughan, in his position as editor, and along with
Danny Johnson who is the art director of the magazine, created a
movie called Scary Good. It is Vaughan’s secret major
feature, and his first since Doped Youth in 2004.
Could Doped Youth be improved upon?
It’s been almost a decade-and-a-half but Vaughan, and Mr
Johnson, have made a movie so good it left me gasping like a fish.
Watching Scary Good I was unable to feel the usual
emotions of envy and jealousy because it was a creation beyond
anything I could’ve made.
The scenario is simple: bring musically inclined surfers, along
with a producer and actual band people, to a remote beach house.
Make music. Make surf.
It costs eight dollars to buy (link at the bottom), which feels
too cheap.
Note: it is the first movie I’ve bought since Kai
Neville’s Cluster a year or two ago.
Yesterday, I spoke with Vaughan about the film.
BeachGrit: Whose idea?
Vaughan: I guess it was my idea, but the genius of the movie is
all Danny Johnson. He was the poor bastard who spent three
months locked in a room cutting the thing up. Full freak effort.
Concept-wise it was a bit of a carry-on from movies and styles the
both of us have always loved. Real Axe and Nix Nic
Nooley and all Toby Cregan’s clips capture such a rad rawness.
Andrew Kidman has always scored his own movies like Litmus
and Glass Love, and then with Doped Youth we had
no budget for music so we made up a fair bit of that soundtrack
ourselves or asked our friends who were bands to give us music. But
we were definitely amped to see if we could do it all in one surf
trip, surf and score, which I’m pretty sure hadn’t been done. So we
got the house, fitted it out with a recording studio, invited
everyone we knew who could play Smoke on the Water on one
guitar string and prayed for waves and in the end it turned out so
much better than we could have hoped for. When I sent the final
movie to Taylor Steele I told him it was a bit like
Shelter but with a house full of roaring drunk, foul
mouthed Aussies.
We got fucking death threats just for being in that zone. One
day the guy behind the counter at the servo says, “Are you part of
that surf mag trip? There was a mob in here earlier threatening to
come up the house and bash you guys. You better watch out.” I gave
him the address and told him to send ’em up but our crew never got
challenged by anyone face-to-face the whole time.
BeachGrit: Tell me how you were received by local
surfers? Were they pleased to have such a cultural awakening in
their little, and let’s just say…nameless… town?
We were there for 10 days and mate we got fucking death threats
just for being in that zone. I went to the servo down the road one
day and the guy behind the counter says, “Are you part of that surf
mag trip? There was a mob in here earlier threatening to come up
the house and bash you guys. You better watch out.” I gave him the
address and told him to send ’em up but our crew never got
challenged by anyone face-to-face the whole time. We surfed all the
worst waves on the best days and didn’t blow out a single spot so…
fuck it. We did have around 75 people swing by the house
though, including heaps of friendly locals which was the sickest.
Crew came and went, musos, celebrities, full mixed bag, but we
really built the whole week around Wash – Creed, Ellis and
Beau’s band, cause fuck man, they have so much muscle in the surf
and with their music and they’re the best lads you’ll ever meet to
boot.
You were right about Creed. He is an animal! And his
song, Johnny is a Kung Fu Master, sings!
Candy is the most magic human. Big heart, beautiful brain,
interested in everyone and everything, loves his music, sounds like
Barry White and surfs like Black Dynamite.
I like this exchange in the film.
Creed: How ya feeling?
Beau: Pretty shit.
Creed: A few comedowns in the morning.
Beau: So weird. I feel so weird.
Creed: I’m real…lost… right now.
Beau: I feel like such a loser.
Creed: Fuck, I don’t know, ay. I felt all sad all of a
sudden and now I’m just walking around…
It all feels very real. Was that scripted?
One hundred percent legit. We did do a couple of skits like
Asher Wales on the bongo but most of them ended up getting cut. We
had mics on crew at different times during the days and nights and
most of what you see is exactly as it happened. The drinking,
smoking and swearing like motherfuckers, it’s just what kids do in
that tiny little window of their lives when they get to enjoy
complete freedom and that obviously comes with a few downtimes,
especially after 10 days of ripping in. It wasn’t for us to judge
or censor or edit that stuff. Our only goal was to make sure we had
sick songs and that the energy of the week was represented as
accurately as possible in the final cut because it was one of the
best times I’ve ever had on a surf trip and a big part of that was
because everyone was so comfortable and free to be themselves. Not
a single surfer missed an early either. Not once.
How about the big left! Tell me more. Haz Bryant was
very sad afterwards with his sore head.
That was day one. Hazza (Harry Bryant) and Otto (Kai Otton) were
onto it cause they spend a lot of time down there but everyone else
was just settling in. My favourite thing about that session is how
stoked Hazza is on his big boned air off the back of the wave. Gets
a 10-foot pit and smashes his head on a rock but he’s more pumped
on tweaking his throwaway! And the Wash song is a
banger.
Who did the Sex with a Guy song? It’s
brilliant! Sexing for hours!
That was the first song recorded. It’s by a dude named Josh
Rawai and he is a messed up totally awesome guitarist. They tracked
that on the first night, pretty much took over the studio. But we
weren’t there for great musos to play. We were there to see if the
surfers we’d invited could make a half-decent album, so that was
Josh’s only contribution at the house. He nailed it though.
The Former boys came up late and were on the biggest Bubbler
crusade. Drawing dicks weeing into mouths in the dirt on all the
car windscreens and stuff. It was the theme of the night but pretty
sure nobody actually went there.
Did you ever think you’d have Dane Reynolds singing,
“Piss in my mouth!”
It’s funny the things you say after a couple of beers. That was
the one big blow-out night of the whole trip and I remember saying
to Dane “Mate everyone I know with twins looks so tired all the
time!” Ha! The girls weren’t even born yet. That was a big party
though. The Former boys came up late and were on the
biggest Bubbler crusade. Drawing dicks weeing into mouths in the
dirt on all the car windscreens and stuff. It was the theme of the
night but pretty sure nobody actually went there.
I loved the song Set the Bar Low to Achieve your
Goals too. Did you?
Sooo much. That’s Vinnie. What a legend. You should see his band
The Cloacas. Wild little
teenage muscle-men from the Sunny Coast. Bowl cuts, mohawks and
they play in boardies with no shirts on and no tatts! Jake Vincent
and his sister Jaleesa are the surprise stars of the movie. Sick
surfers, super free-spirited, kind and enthusiastic and wild
without being reckless. Dunno, there’s something about the
generation of kids between 18 and 25 right now that is so upbeat
and refreshing. They honestly don’t seem to care that people might
get offended by the way they choose to have fun. Such a healthy way
to live. People getting offended is the new cancer.
The comedic opening is clever, very dry. Scripted or
no?
Crafted but not scripted. We wanted to start with a bit of
banter with Creedo and Beauy, all them by the way, and then out of
nowhere drop in a full blown, full frame dick shot, make it known
right from the start this is not a kid’s movie and not a movie
that’s been made with any consideration of the easily offended. We
kinda only got halfway there with the opening shot but the energy
of it is all real, the whole movie is just how it all happened. And
the soundtrack blows my mind.
Who is that little ragamuffin with the blond bowl, real
mouthy? She surfs so good.
Jaleesa Vincent from the Sunny Coast. That zone is the punk rock
capital of Australia right now man and Jelly Bean is gonna change
women’s surfing. She’ll be the first of her kind in the same spirit
as Fletcher/Ozzie/Dane, a full creative culture shifter built upon
a foundation of fully ripping.
I think, best surfer movie, as in cultural document,
since Cluster. Tell me your thoughts.
Around day eight of the trip Danny and I kinda grabbed each
other and had this full-on lightning bolt moment. I was like “Fuck
man, it’s like we’re making Morning of the Earth or some
shit!” It felt like we were capturing something way bigger than the
film itself. Don’t get me wrong, a huge stupid call and we were
drunk as hell, but at its heart Morning of the Earth is a
document that captures perfectly the counter-culture mood of its
time by showcasing the lifestyle choices the surfers were becoming
passionate about. That’s what it felt like we were doing, only
instead of Simple Ben and free range chickens and veggie
gardens we had Battle of the Bowls, cartons of mangoes and
packets of Champion Ruby. I dunno how this thing will stand up over
time, but I can definitely sleep at night knowing it’s as real as
shit gets in the age of “authenticity” being the most flayed word
in the English language.