Where did the surf industry begin? Exactly.
Steve “longtom” Shearer is the greatest writer in BeachGrit’s now longish history and it is only by some sick metaphysical twist that he is not universally famous. I look forward to his offerings like I once looked forward to The Dukes of Hazzard and he has never not once disappointed me. Yesterday’s Opinion: Chas’ Worst Story Ever! might have been his finest. In one fell swoop he eviscerated me while making a strong case for sweet Australia.
As a quick summary, I published a piece a few days ago professing my own love for the Lucky Country but also claiming its ruthlessly enforced status equalization makes for a place that is perfect to live but impossible to become someone. To invent… anything. Longtom unsheathed his sword and parried:
We invented the surf industry! The very self same surf industry whose grave you dance on with such bonhomie.
We have invented so much that has made the world great. The surf world could not function, would not exist without Australian dreams and Australian dreamers. Off the top of my head, and there are many others I’m sure, we are responsible for: twin fins, hippies, the shortboard, thrusters, legropes, bucket bongs, the retro movement, Indonesia, finless surfing, sideboob, feminism, gender fluidity, androgynous free surfers, beard oil, hipsters, surf travel, leashless log riding, pro surfing, online surf retail, vertical integration, surf media liquidity events, renewable energy, taxpayer subsidised surfing contests, celebrity trash and the internet etc etc etc.
He is totally right except about one small trifle. Australia didn’t invent the surf industry. Orange County, California did.
Orange County, California. The land of Newport Beach, Costa Mesa and… Irvine. Orange County, California. Home of Quiksilver, Hurley, RVCA, Vans, Gotcha, Op, Robert August. Orange County, California. Birthplace of the bro.
Yes, Australia did conceive of so much that makes the surf world function but it took the Orange County bro to make it an industry. The Orange County bro, you see, is as pretty and as vapid as his Australian counterpart but he is also a stone-cold business back-stabber such as the world has never seen. The Orange County bro, his father an executive at a bank, his mother a graduate of USC’s Annenberg School for Communication. The Orange County bro who smiles inwardly when his best friend in the entire world is fired as VP of Brand Activation because he knows he’ll be able to make a lateral move if he slides those duties into his own portfolio.
The Orange County bro. As ruthless as his Australian counterpart but instead of enforcing status equalization he only strives to climb the business ladder. There is no distraction for him, no pleasure outside moving from from the VP of Digital Marketing to Senior Director of Brand Communications. The Orange County bro. Infected with Orange Lung.
Without him there would be no industry at all but only collection of people having a bit of fun making surf things and what good would that be?
Listen to the MC-5!
Email me I will hook it up!!!
happens more than you’d think…
Floridian bros please help this poor turtle: https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Search for a beautiful town called Jaco where the crackheads carry scissors in their pockets to coax potential buyers and the casino’s turn into whorehouses when the sun goes down.
Isn’t it lovely. I saw a heavily pregnant local hunched over in the gutter at 7am all cracked out. 2 nights in jaco on my way south was too much. Pura vida!
Was she black? That lady is so gnar I saw her taking a shower one early morning with a water bottle while casually walking down the street, heavily pregnant. She offered me fellatio. And a dollar for Subway. I swiftly got the hell away.
Yes that’s her. So heavy
https://www.theguardian.com…
NEver been …so would I be able to get a damn good orange juice in Orange County? Like a really ” Damn that’s the best Orange Juice I’ve ever had! ” type orange juice, I’m talking better than the orange Juice from Country Kitchen in Margaret River circa 89, type orange juice?
No, the orange groves and agriculture that I rode my bike through as a child have all been cleared out in order to either build more shopping centers or housing developments for Chinese and Arabs to buy up.
This is outrageous!!!
The only really good things that came out of Australia: AC/DC and Mad Max.
Also, they didn’t invent Indonesia, plate tectonics did.
Throw another shrimp on the Barbie mate!
Prawn is the appropriate word .
Don’t forget Crocodile Dundee, Fosters beer and Outback Steakhouse! Austrailian burnouts are pretty cool too.
Oh man the “bloomin onion” is my favorite!
Weren’t the Young brothers were born in Scotland? Mel Gibson in US?
What a shit cunt selfish industry to be claiming in the first place! Quite a fitting owner in the OC profile i guess.
flatbill guy is an alternate name I use to describe oc bro.
God that flat bill style is awful.
I suppose it’s a reaction to the properly curved bill of a baseball playing Midwest yokel.
fratbill
bratfill
OC guy is my favorite. Leased Mercedes SUV, obligatory Jiu-Jitsu sticker on the back, sandals with pants always, loud cell phone talker in inappropriate places, self-important to the max, refers to his hobby as “my surfing”, yells at his kid to bend his knees more through their bottom turn at 2′ Creek…
The emptiness of those lives shocks me.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to understand normal non surfing people, and it took a cyclist to sum it up perfectly for me
So, reading between the lines here, the Orange County Bro™️ is why the surf industry is fucked at the moment? And surfing in general is on a steady downward spiral into mainstream acceptance like so many chemicals poured into Orange County rivers only to end up polluting our oceans into a massive fluro soft top tidal wave of human filth?
Pretty much yes.
Hey California gets credit for inventing the shortboard, right? Outside of driving 12mph on a highway because “checking the waves, brah” that’s gotta be the most important invention in surfing.
the cia created the surf industry and hippies. nothing sells the wonderful freedoms that capitalism provides over communism like surfing does. everything the surf industry touches is destroyed by capitalist greed.
Almost Ck, they created acid. The only drug an mk ultra victim isn’t allowed to have is weed.
keep reading. The cia didn’t invent lsd
Hofmann*
I just finished it. It’s called Cocaine + Surfing: A love story!
I hate vegans. Did veganism start in the OC? I hope so
Veganism started with hippies. As LT claimed, hippies, the scurge of earthly dwellers, were invented by Australia. Veganism was Australia’s fault.
LT wins then. Australia has a lot to answer for. I hate myself and my countrymen.
How do you know someone’s a vegan?
… just wait a few minutes and they’ll tell you.
Just heard there’s a McVegan burger coming out. The end must be close.
Do you think McVegans are allowed in Vegan Meetings?
I don’t.
The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse will be OC Bro’s
They’ll be McVegan, McGluten Free, McOrganic lovin’, McPreservative-Free needy fuckers riding to your nearest restaraunt
They’ll get sitted just before you and take 30 minutes to order steamed kale with herbs
https://m.youtube.com/watch…
Seen it before. Hilarious.
Guilt all round for everyone, acting like self-righteous shitheads on their pet subject/s.
This reminds me of Tool’s “Carrot Fire and Brimstone” track
A man is having a heart attack on a plane:
Passenger “Is anyone here a doctor?”
Vegan: “I’m a vegan”
Veganism is meant to pussify the natvie population. Same with all the soy products. Meant to make the native population never fight back and to increase empathy. There is a strong connection between veganism and the invasion of europe in countries like swedistan and Germany, or what’s left of them.
Well this is certainly going to fill in the time between the start of 2018 tour and any new wavepool news!!
Can you imagine a world without industry bros? Shudder
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
When paperwork demands I state my race/ethnicity, I fill in the space with “Orange County”. When it next asks me for my gender, I fill in the space with “bro”.
I was still awarded educational scholarships.
Brilliant.
Does chas’ non bro status stem from the fact that he is from Oregon or because he is just not a bro? This is so confusing. Going to lay off the mole rips!!!
I think it is because Oregon. True OC bros are born and bred.
There’s no bro in Bastendorff.
Well, there is. Also; bastord.
I do lots of remodel work for a well known 80’s pro from San Clemente who starts every interaction with the phrase “hey bro”. Even through the weed haze it is all starting to make sense.
Archie?
Oh God – Donovan
Good guess!!!
Since the Australian accent evolved from the alcoholic slur of super drunk settlers, I’m pretty sure Longtom wins.
Ahhh orange county, the blood-red stain in the midst of our wonderfully blue california. Where stock tips are traded in lineups, and plastic surgeons drive to the local with a wavestorm riding shotgun in their convertibles. Where coveting thy neighbors wife is a mandate not a sin. Breathe deep and taste the ambition, mingled with smoke as ventura burns.
The decline and fall of the American Empire ?
The end of the hegemony at least. I say, good riddance! Does this mean I have the soul of an Australian?
Yes Chine , but the use of a less intellectual synonym for hegemony could have your soul sipping a cold beer in Australian Nirvana in no time .
How about “american douchebaggery” rather than “hegemony”? I’ve been meaning to visit for ages, but am honestly afraid I’d never want to come home again. Nirvana sure does sound nice.
Enlightenment with a full strength ale awaits your soul.
“Where stock tips are traded in lineups, and plastic surgeons drive to the local with a wavestorm riding shotgun in their convertibles.”
Not nonexistent, but this statement far more-accurately describes LA; more specifically the South Bay. On average the Orange County surfer is better (not to say there aren’t kooks, we’re talking about California here..) than his seemingly (make believe) urban LA counterpart.
Also, I believe people actually still wear puka shell jewelry up in LA. Truly bizarre.
mmmm, CDM feels a shitload like PV to me
Who the fuck surfs in CDM retard? Big Corona breaks like once a year.