Long Read: The State I Hate!

Florida once represented everything bad in surfing for me... and then I visited.

Almost ten years ago I had never really been to Florida but that didn’t stop me from hating it. I imagined it a cut-rate California. A trashy pit. Unchallenged prejudice is an ugly disease though and so I went and fell in love. Here is an old story of redemption.

We humans, we surfers, all carry with us many and varied prejudices. We carry them heavy like stones. We think that Newport’s 54th Street has been overrun by cheap, tattooed hipsters who are destroying the soul of surfing. Or we believe that riding a longboard is akin to getting fat and gross. Or we feel that SUPing is akin to admitting total failure in life. Our prejudices become fossilized and they alter where we surf, who we spend time with, the media we consume and how we move through the world. And yet all prejudices have a flip side. A set of beliefs that, equally heavy, prop up the opposing conclusion. That tattooed hipsters are surfing’s new, fresh soul, for instance. That riding a longboard shows the beautiful, lithe fluidity of man and wave becoming one. That SUPing is akin to admitting total failure in life (This is a simple fact, not a prejudice).

I carry my own prejudices and I have carried one, in particular, for as long as I have been aware of surf as its own culture. It is a large stone, with an art deco motif painted teal and orange. It is that Florida is horrible. That Florida is the bane of surfing culture.

I came to this conclusion growing up on the West Coast. California provided the parameters for what was cool. Florida seemed so far away and so weird. Its waves were small. Its pastimes, like fishing and hunting and maybe even being racist, did not match my own. I did not understand Florida and thus I came to loathe Florida.

And then one day, I thought, “OK. Enough. I will go and test my supposition that Florida is the worst state in our union and see if it is found wanting. I will go to the state I hate.” I landed in Orlando and rented a Fiat and I drove through 2,500 miles of swamp, seniors and Cuban expats. I drove through country music radio stations and merengue radio stations. I drove. And surfed. And spent time with real Floridians and experienced first hand the state that I hate. And at times the stone of my prejudice grew larger.

There were so many people in Florida that reinforced my distain. The wild Cuban refugees in the south that bellow for an attack on an ancient man who lives off their shore. The gun-toting rednecks in the north that bellow for the return of the Confederacy. The grandmas and grandpas in the middle that can’t bellow, because they’ve lost their voices, but whisper for increased Medicare spending. And dispersed throughout this madness are naked men who eat other homeless men’s faces, 92-year-old women who shoot at their neighbors for refusing to kiss them and ice cream shops that use Ku Klux Klansmen for mascots. Floridians are off their nuts in a way I have never experienced “crazy” before. It is as if God shook the United States of America and the worst of the weird fell into Florida.

But despite the degenerates, there were people I met in Florida who were as good as the face eaters are bad. People that caused the stone of my prejudice to slowly crack.

Southern hospitality is a cliché as old as drinking mint juleps dressed in seersucker, but my goodness if it ain’t real. Sterling Spencer is an exemplary model. I met Sterling in his hometown of Pensacola, deep in Florida’s Panhandle. The Panhandle, also known as “The Redneck Riviera,” or “Lower Alabama,” is exactly what one would expect.

Sterling met me on the beach as the sun slid down the sky, with an extra surfboard chosen just for me and a smile. I didn’t need his board. I had a fresh …Lost Bottom Feeder. But the thoughtfulness was delightful. Sterling paddled me out into the remnants of Hurricane Isaac and laughed me into some of the best waves of the evening. He introduced me to his friends in the lineup and they all shared with benevolence and stoke.

And beauty spread out all around us. I was shocked, in fact, by how beautiful Florida is. She is a stunner and awesomely swampy. Spanish moss dangles from broad-branched trees sinking their roots into shallow waters. Birds fly low and eat humping bugs called love bugs. I did not picture Florida, entirely, as a swamp, but I like that it is. I like picturing Ponce de León’s men dying of malaria.

After our surf, Sterling and his lovely wife took me out to experience “real cracker action.” They frequented neither of the ramshackle establishments we graced that night and, in fact, it was quite a hassle for them. Old friends still living a high school dream continuously approached them, spitting drunken nonsense into their faces, but they took it all and took it so I could feel genuine Panhandle fun. Later still, when the 3AM hour drew nigh, Sterling’s lovely wife refused to let me drive away and made me the most pleasant guest bed in their neat beachfront townhouse instead.

The following morning I drove off into a humid haze on the way to visit Shea Lopez. I have reason to believe that Shea is not the greatest of “Chas Smith” fans but he reached out, nonetheless, and invited me to the Lopez family reunion and go I did. And it was a real family reunion, too, featuring aunts, uncles, cousins and cousins. Kids bounced off the walls for hours upon hours. I was the only outlier, but I was treated like family. I was fed fried chicken straight from Cory Lopez’s grill. We stood in his backyard and gazed out and the sun, again, slid down the sky. Instagram has taught me to hate sunsets but Florida taught me to love them again. All the colors of the orange, red and yellow palette are employed with reckless abandon. The sky glows love. I was happy. And left happy to go further south still. To Miami. But along the way I stopped in CJ and Damo Hobgood’s hometown to meet Jamie Tworkowski.

Jamie founded the suicide prevention nonprofit To Write Love on Her Arms, which also happens to be CJ Hobgood’s sponsor. How great is that? A nonprofit sponsoring a surfer? Maybe the greatest. He invited me to surf Sebastian Inlet with him, introducing me to a wave that used to be legendary as well as its crusty locals. I was accepted in their warm Southern embrace. I felt loved. The sand on the beach was the whitest I had ever seen and the ocean felt like a bathtub. The waves were not great, maybe two feet, but I realized that when the sand is the whitest and when the water is a bathtub, surfing feels like a dream. Even in two feet.

After sharing chicken-fried steak and a cold beer with Jamie, I drove to Miami. And thought about the people here. Sterling, Shea and Jamie represent the good. Open, honest, giving, kind, sincere. Model Southerners. Model human beings. They could each, also, be models. Handsome.

Florida is home to the best of the best. Home to people who, when the lunatics grow exhausting, are there to take you into their homes and families and hearts. The worst and the best. No lukewarm in Florida. No Ohio blandness. And, in really experiencing this lack of blandness, the stone of my prejudice became dust and blew away. Florida is no longer “The State I Hate.” It is now and forever, affectionately, “Fucked Up.”


Science: Surf proves the earth is flat!

"WATER has never been shown to curve in any container!"

Nature is endlessly magical and it is really no wonder that the ancients worshipped her rocks, trees and oceans. The sun rises and sets. The earth spins around her. Or maybe not for this morning the Instagram account @aframeking used the very waves we ride to prove definitely that, much to Kelly Slater’s chagrin, the earth is indeed flat. Let us read his case.

#aframeking @woodywaveswoodworth ・・・ Dramatic interplay between Ocean and Earth. Once all the swell energy rolls to the boundary of land which contains it, WATER always returns and maintains perfect level, as in Sea Level. Here on Instagram we see images looking out towards the horizons of many, many thousands of locations all over the Earth showing a perfectly flat straight Horizon Line. (unless shot with a wide-angle or fish eye type lens) The primary question that fuels the Flat vs. Round Earth debate is that in order to have a sphere or ball you must have consistent curve radiating down away from every single point on earth in 360 degrees. Logically and scientifically speaking, if WATER covers some 70%+ of our known world, and WATER has never been shown to curve in any container, pond, lake, inland sea, or ocean then how can we be on a ball? Additionaly, WATER also has never been demonstrated to cling uniformly to the exterior of any shape, regardless that it be motionless or in the case of the globe earth constantly spinning at around 1000 miles per hour at the Equator, while rocketing at some 66,000 miles per hour in our annual orbit around around the Sun, which they tell us is 93,000,000 miles away. Other offical science motions include Our Solar System spiraling within the Milky Way Galaxy at around a half a million miles per hour, along with some ridiculous millions of miles per hour speed that all the galaxies are exploding across the empty void of infinite black space from the point of our Big Bang beginning. All these beyond fantastical, unprovable motions are in all the official Science textbooks and taught to us from the very first day we walked nervously into our government mandated Indoctrination Camps we call schools. We are told that this is our reality as we were, buzzered, belled and brainwashed like Pavlovian dogs through 12+ years of school. Every hour upon the hour we were shuttled into classroom after classroom (boxes) where a spinning toy globe earth was on display without exception. If you look honestly and critically at what we have been told to beLIEve, it does not make sense with the world we experience everyday.

A post shared by King Of Aframes (@aframeking) on

Dramatic interplay between Ocean and Earth.

Once all the swell energy rolls to the boundary of land which contains it, WATER always returns and maintains perfect level, as in Sea Level.

Here on Instagram we see images looking out towards the horizons of many, many thousands of locations all over the Earth showing a perfectly flat straight Horizon Line. (unless shot with a wide-angle or fish eye type lens)

The primary question that fuels the Flat vs. Round Earth debate is that in order to have a sphere or ball you must have consistent curve radiating down away from every single point on earth in 360 degrees.

Logically and scientifically speaking, if WATER covers some 70%+ of our known world, and WATER has never been shown to curve in any container, pond, lake, inland sea, or ocean then how can we be on a ball?

Additionaly, WATER also has never been demonstrated to cling uniformly to the exterior of any shape, regardless that it be motionless or in the case of the globe earth constantly spinning at around 1000 miles per hour at the Equator, while rocketing at some 66,000 miles per hour in our annual orbit around around the Sun, which they tell us is 93,000,000 miles away.

Convinced? You should be but in case not let us now turn to those who commented.

At least your good at taking pictures, because your 100% certifiably insane. Whatever drugs your on, I suggest you quit.

Ever heard of gravitational acceleration? Stick to photography.

Why are u guys spreading flat earth bullshit? Epic lineup tho lol

Please be advised not post anything like this again and also to remove this photo. Please don’t insult the rest of our humanities intelligence with your stupid ridicule.

Etc. Etc.

But let me ask you a quick question. Does the flat earth theorizing completely embitter you? When someone suggests they believe do you feel the bile rising? Do you want to rip them to shreds? I suppose I don’t really understand the vitriol. Chemtrails are much more offensive.


children-orcas
Happy children play major role in viral video.

Watch: Assassin Whales Stalk Happy Children!

Are you terrified of being eaten alive in the surf?

Yesterday, a news piece hit the wire of two frolicking children being surrounded by a couple of Killer Whales or assassin whales (Ballena asesina) as the Spanish like to call ’em.

It’s a hell of a good show. Panicked yells of “Stay still! Stay still…stay still!” provide the soundtrack as the two Killer Whales swim towards two kids who cling to each other for dear life.

Watch here.

Afterwards, newspapers were quick to assure swimmers that the Killer Whale poses no threat to humanity. Very few recorded attacks and so forth.

And that is mostly true except for those poor Whales in pools who, eventually and justifiably it might be admitted, turn on their jailers.

(If you’re a sick bastard, click on this.)

I want to ask:

Do you ever contemplate being eaten alive while you surf? Either by shark, whale or whatever else lurks in the depths, maybe a stingray barb through the heart?

Does it worry you? Does it occupy the majority of your thoughts when the sun goes down just a little or is yet to creep over the horizon? When a school of baitfish turns the water black?

Or are you an evolved human being who believes dying doing what you love would be the… etc… etc?


Rumor: Beer giant to sponsor WSL!

Let the good times roll?

Man if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Rumor-mongering is a tough business. Sure it feels good to break that story, just ask Stab magazine’s Ashton Goggans‘ alter ego Adjunct Professor (by the way I found out who the Adjunct Professor actually is and it is the most priceless thing ever. Seriously. Like… I’ve been laughing non-stop for four days.) But in order to get that story you have to be amongst it, not writing damned books or skiing in Aspen. That’s why I am the most thankful for you. You share what you hear, I vet then publish.

And here we go. The vetting on this is, I’ll admit, slim but let’s not let that get in the way. A fantastic gentleman emailed:

This morning out near the Venice Breakwater, I heard a guy talking to another guy about Anheuser-Busch perhaps sponsoring the WSL. The guy saying it was only an OK surfer, so it might be legit! (Clearly don’t run with my word but maybe a well-placed call…) Perhaps the WSL is getting its act together? I kid…

A well-placed text is pending but let’s think about this for a moment. You are of course familiar with the famed Bud Tour. It was a surfing series and a young Kelly Slater won many of the events. You also remember the Bud Light Air Shows where Josh Kerr was the champion. You also remember the Bud Light Lime Surf Tour or maybe you don’t but anyhow it existed.

So for Bud, Bud Light and Bud Light Lime’s parent company to get back in the game… well, it’s a rumor that don’t need much vetting at all. And I have a proposal. Anheuser-Bush should also sponsor the brand new Facebook series “Li’l Jam off the Top feat. Longtom n friends” the new BeachGrit show that delves into the anti-depressive side of professional surfing. Or maybe they will be too busy. Maybe we should get a whiskey sponsor. Just think how angry Joel Tudor would be.

Longtom, do you drink whiskey?


Validation: The Rock loves Huntington!

The world's biggest star waxes on about, "...your bronze skin and bikinis and baby oil …”

Nothing gives a municipality a shot of pride like a Hollywood production coming into town. Nothing gives surfing a bigger smile than being recognized by someone, anyone, outside of surfing. And so when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnston took his HBO show Ballers to Huntington Beach in order to film an episode about surfing than SUPER WOW!

WOOOOOOW!

WOW!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BeXMK9qlYhS/?taken-by=therock

Let’s read the Orange County Register.

The pro wrestler-turned-movie-star was hanging out in Surf City all day Wednesday, Jan. 24, shooting a surf scene for the hit HBO show “Ballers,” in which he stars as a retired football superstar trying to reinvent himself as a financial manager for current players in Miami.

The filming created a buzz in the town south of Hollywood, though irked some locals who weren’t able to catch waves on the south side of the pier.

But having a major TV production with the likes of the Rock in town helps keep Huntington Beach in the spotlight and generates a chunk of revenue that goes back to the city, say those who helped bring the production to the city.

Johnson talked about the “hundreds and hundreds of extras” who were shooting for the Season 4 episode during the big surf tournament scene on the beach. Among the extras were pro surfer Teddy Navarro, a regular at the Huntington Beach Pier, and Hawaiian pro surfer Kalani Robb. Photos from the filming showed the two surfers in jerseys among the cast.

How excited is Kalani Robb whenever anyone is putting surf in their advertisement/movie/show? Now is a perfect time to re-read Derek Rielly’s classic Kalani Robb is the Happy Hawaiian Waiter!

This also very much reminds me when the Christian rock n roll band Petra came to Coos Bay, Oregon when I was 11 years old to film the mini-movie music video Beyond Belief. My father was cast as the “track coach” and for one brief moment I knew how Drew Barrymore felt.