Mavs: The Khloé Kardashian of waves!

Gets attention but for mostly for slightly awkward missteps and also marries odd men!

My goodness gracious me, this Martin Luther King Jr. weekend was alive with big wave spirit. All the social medias were pumping out photo after photo, video after video of men defying the odds. Conquering the sea. Jaws saw record wave heights, according to Albee Layer, but also featured wild crowding and minimal water safety. The Maui local took to Instagram after decrying the dangers associated with a fever pitch of popularity.

Pipeline was fabulous, Waimea looked classic and hosted Kelly Slater, island outer reefs hosted Nathan Florence but what about Maverick’s? Oh, everything was seeming almost perfect for the World Surf League to run its event but then winds went wrong and the swell wasn’t quite right and in the end nothing happened and the eyes of the globe danced to other corners.

Which made me wonder. If big waves are like the Kardashians which is who? I think:

Jaws = Kim Kardashian: Right? I mean, it is very hard to argue that Jaws is not the most photogenic and talked about big wave in the world right now. She gets all the attention and figures out new ways to stay relevant.

Waimea = Kris Jenner: The mama of all big waves. An ageless classic.

Teahupoo = Kourtney Kardashian: Quietly goes about its business from year to year without much change.

Nazaré = Scott Disick: Kourney Kardashian’s ex-husband (I think) manages to stay in the spotlight but many question if there’s any substance.

Punta de Lobos =  Cassandra Marino: Only four people know that Cassandra is a Kardashian step-sister. Only three people know that Punta de Lobos, in Chilé, is a big wave.

Todos Santos = Rob Kardashian: Remember Todos Santos? It used to get lots of covers etc. but then everyone forgot it was a big wave and stopped paying attention.

Pipeline = Caitlyn Jenner: Not generally considered a big wave but so famous it can choose whatever it wants to be.

Maverick’s = Khloé Kardashian: Gets attention but for mostly for slightly awkward missteps and also marries odd men.

Shipsterns = Kanye West: Very strange.

Find a lake or whatever deeper than four metres and you can stick your portable wave pool on it!

Shrewd: A portable floating wave pool!

Two weeks to build, comes in big box, stick it on lake or river!

Want a portable wave tank? Twenty-five metres long, thirteen wide? Drag it anywhere, takes two weeks to assemble (the parts come in a container), use river water, lake water whatever and it costs something like a hundred bucks a day in electricity to run?

Zero water consumption, low power bills?

Now that sounds like a biz that works.

Lately, you might’ve got the feeling that wave pools are the new arms race.

It’s the Slater-Finchim tank vs Webber vs American Wave Machines vs Wavegarden vs Surf Lakes and so on. Each pool slightly different, each with its own imitation of ol’ ma nature.

Who’ll win? Who’ll be dashed upon the rocks of insolvency? Will all of ’em prove to be monstrous white elephants, destined to become creepy concrete pits when the surfers don’t come?

A slightly different angle on the game are the German companies, City Wave and Unit Park Tech. The Germans are into the standing wave model, the sort pioneered by the American Tom Lochtefeld and his Flowrider. Tom’s been in the game since the eighties, opening that first Flowrider in Texas in 1991. He knows the central problem to wavepools. They cost too much to build, and way too much to run.

And the Germans, who usually get their first taste of surf riding stationary river waves, aren’t adverse to the idea of this kinda tank.

The Unit Surf Pool, by Unit Park Tech, is, according to the PR, “a floating surf pool construction that brings a surfable deepwater wave to any body of standing water… it operates on a natural body of water which translates to an endless water supply and no need for chemical water treatment.”

It’s a good sell.

Here’s how it works. Pumps bring the water up from the river, the lake, whatevs. Water flows down the ramp, jets or “hydraulic jump phenomenon” push it back up.

The first commercial version is at a joint called Surf Langenfeld between Dusseldorf and Cologne where the Unit Park Tech HQ is (history lesson: Cologne was one of the heaviest bombed cities in World War II, almost the entire population evaporated or evacuated).

Now, you’re not going to detour to Germany to jump on the damn thing, in case you’re wondering it’s 34 Euro an hour to ride, but it does show there’s a quick-to-build, cheap alternative to the magnificent $20 million-plus structures being shopped around.

Watch here.


Surfers pictured taking a break.
Surfers pictured taking a break.

Surfers cause “post-antibiotic apocalypse!”

The end is nigh!

When you picture the future, in your mind’s eye, is it rosy and hopeful or dark and stormy? Like, stormy not in a passing squall kind of way but in a eath-hasn’t-seen-the-sun-for-decades-because-toxi-pollution-clouds-cover-everything-and-spew-acid? Well, if you are the former you should probably transition to the latter and especially since you are a surfer.

A new study out of England reveals that UK surfers are three times more likely than the non-surfers to house antibiotic resistant superbugs in their guts which can pollute the rest of the body’s natural business and also breed and multiply and pass on to others.

The Independent reports:

Researchers from the University of Exeter said surfers swallow ten times more seawater than swimmers and bacteria from sewage runoff can get into the body, despite coastal cleanliness improvements.

Worryingly, surfers were also much more likely to be carrying bacteria which are able to pass on resistance DNA to other bugs in the body.

“This research is the first of its kind to identify an association between surfing and gut colonisation by antibiotic resistant bacteria,” said Dr Anne Leonard, of the University of Exeter Medical School, who led the research.

The increasing prevalence of drug resistance in bacteria has led to England’s chief medical officer, Professor Dame Sally Davies, to warn of an approaching “post-antibiotic apocalypse”.

The story goes on to talk about the general dangers of drug-resistant bugs and how humanity is basically going to get wiped off the the planet and all thanks to surfers.

So, I guess at the end, the dystopia will having nothing to do with acid rain. Even bringing that scenario up likely shows my age but can we have some real talk? Do any of these pandemic scares worry you in the slightest? Do you read stories like this, think back on all the hundreds of times you surfed in brown muck and shrug or are you heading out to your garage, right now, to torch all your boards?

Do you re-think your life choices ever?

A wave so good it'll fill your eyes with happy tears!

(Hot) Rumour: Surf Ranch for Sydney!

Solid negotiations afoot!

A couple of years ago I interviewed the investment banker Andrew Ross, a nice man who planned to sprinkle Wavegardens across Australia.

Andrew had a giddy list of achievements, including some sort of interaction with the billionaire Richard Branson, but those pools, Melbourne promised to be working by late 2017 etc, sure are slow in coming.

Now, if I was planning on opening a Wavegarden, sweet little burgers but nothing life changing, I’d be looking over my shoulder hoping to hell the Slater-Finchim pool wasn’t coming anytime soon.


Yesterday afternoon, my telephone lit up with details of “solid negotiations” between KS Wave Pool Co and “a landholder outside Wollongong and western Sydney.”

The sender included more details, enough to prove the rumour had legs, the owner of the dirt and so on, but which I had to agree to keep off the record.

I was so thrilled I undid all the buttons on my jacket just to give my fluttering diaphragm room to spasm.

A message to the WSL was returned with the somewhat cryptic, “As one would imagine, the interest in the tech is widespread so it wouldn’t surprise me if there has been some level of conversation.”

The biz model of the Slater-Finchim pool is different to Wavegarden, Webber and Surf Lake. Instead of relying on thousands of punters paying sixty bucks a session, KS Wave Co plans on building resorts around their pool, the theory being monied surfers would happily sling five hundred bucks or more a night in return for private pool sessions.

Gonna happen? You know the KS Wave Co don’t fuck around.

Money. Muscle. Influence. Celebrity.

Let's eat Spam musubi!
Let's eat Spam musubi!

Advice: Missiles are really sneaky!

It's not like the movies!

I was on a sailboat yesterday, cruising past Palos Verdes and its hearty locals, when reports of imminent missile death popped onto Hawaiian cell phones. “Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii.” the message read “Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill.”

Oh my heart went out to those dear islanders and I even wish that I was there to give them practical, functional advice for I have been missiled before and am filled with wisdom in such matters.

It was ten years ago now, Israel had just gone to war against Lebanon’s Hezbollah and I was there, alongside my best friends, we were young, starry-eyed boys with dreams of shaming Anderson Cooper in the war coverage game.

Getting into the country took some creativity. Beirut’s airport had been bombed useless along with the main arteries coming in and out and very few drivers wanted to risk the border run. Eventually we found a man in Jordan who agreed to take us to Beirut but he chickened out once we got close to Syria. Thankfully we found another man with a steelier nerve and he ferried us across.

I clearly remember the first bomb crater right at the border crossing. It was deep and half a charred truck smoldered in its bottom. We all looked and I thought, “Oh that trucker should have been paying better attention.”

In my mind, you see, I thought a man could hear the bombs and missiles falling or wooshing and also watch them fall from the sky and I thought the man with above average reflexes could avoid them. Like in movies, right? The bombs whistle and the missiles streak across the sky.

Later that evening, after we had rented an Audi A6 from a Beirut dealership, we went out into the countryside to try and find some missiles. The sun set as we drove around the hills and then…


The car shook and we killed the lights, catching our breaths. “What the hell?” I thought. “I didn’t hear that falling or whooshing. I didn’t see that.” We jumped out and another one hit a kilometer or so away.


I didn’t hear it falling or whooshing. I didn’t see it.

And then it hit me, figuratively of course. The bombs and missiles fly too high and too fast to be seen and the whooshing or whistling sound doesn’t exist. A figment of Hollywood’s imagination. Which made me think, “Oops.”

The rest of those three weeks of war many missiles hit and I didn’t hear or see any one of them coming.

Which brings us back to Hawaii. If there had been an incoming missile there would have been nothing anyone could do and so everyone should have just carried on eating Spam Musubi and drinking cold Heineken and enjoying the warm winter’s sun not trying to seek shelter.

Such practical wisdom, I think. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we get false cracked.