The unfortunate Stabification of surf.
Yesterday’s lamest surf assault has got me feeling very guilty and partially responsible for trending behavior that is very unbecoming. It appears that going to the police after being shoved is perceived as the proper thing to do and I must apologize for this aberration. For it was one bright morning, over a month and a half ago, that I leapt a reclaimed wood and brushed nickel coffee table toward Stab magazine’s Ashton Goggans in order to silence him.
The leap ended with the desired result though very embarrassingly. A jostly non-fight that would have made a very overweight four-year-old redhead cringe while looking away.
Two weeks later Mr. Goggans contacted the Orange County Sheriff’s Dept. in order to file assault charges.
Now, I just assumed that going to the police for anything at all was a matter of last resort and was deeply confused by Mr. Goggans’ action though also shrugged and thought, “I suppose that’s how they do things over at Stab magazine.”
But this new lamest surf assault forces me to stop and take a personal accounting. My behavior must have been so embarrassing that, to some, Mr. Goggans’ police response was appropriate.
And for this I am truly sorry.
Truly truly sorry.
I hope I didn’t break surfing forever. I hope the kids can right this ship and that, generations from now, some crusty local is screaming at an interloper in a parking lot with no fear of legal reprisal.
For I have a dream that one day down in Florida — with its vicious racists, with its Governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification — one day right there in Florida, little surf boys and surf girls will be able to call each other “barney” and “kook” and tell each other to “beat it.
I have a dream that one day every seedy left and unloved right will be allowed shoves and slaps and knocks on the head.
I HAVE A DREAM that one day ANYBODY can be that crusty local no matter the color of his skin or religious creed, amen?
Amen!
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Hi. I ride bikes. I wear lycra. I wrote the obit for a friend and talented racer killed by a driver.
Please kindly fuck off into the sea.
Deeply clever!
a text to speech grammar error, my bad bro
who’s a bro?
sorry sistah
Just teasing ala Kelly Slater. Check out Grit podcast – https://www.youtube.com/wat….
Chaz looks way too tough in that photo
You are just jealous.
Let it go. Get over your embarrassment and get some spandex. You’ll fuckin love it.
Plus: go ride for a couple hours up and down hills and tell me how you get on wearing your Hanes y-fronts, denim cut-offs and cotton t-shirt.
That drawing of Chas… Thicc
That lycra is functional, sunshine. Ever cycled a distance more than down to the shop to get your hentai tentacle porn? You’d realise it’s ball-hugging value.
I call it spandex to wind up other cyclists, but whatever it’s called, it really works.
I must disagree. I know people that enjoy swimming as a pastime. They DO NOT however shave all their body hair and wear fucken swimming caps n shit… it’s just a hobby.. all their fucken lycra shit is the equivalent of me wearing a blow up vest, gopro, and 9ft gun surfing a 3ft beachie. Cunts think they doin the tour de France but they just riding to a cafe to hang out with other like minded fuck heads. Shut it down you cunts..
Some of these guys yes I’ll agree. Pure pose.
I certainly keep it on the downlow with my Lycra under normal shorts.
My bike is too cheap and I put in too few Ks to pretend I’m an Italian peloton enforcer.
“It’s just a hobby”
Tell that to the aggro merchants kicking the fuck out of each other for the honour of riding their eggs in 2 foot burgers, barely after learning not to wear their wetty backwards.
Surf journalism (if such thing exists) needs more Chas, cause Ashtons we’ve got plenty. Keep up the good work and choke surfing out of boredom please.
No offence America but you guys are losing the plot.
Perfect on every level.
I fucking love it.
The people want Rd 2. David Lee Scales, bring your microphones back to the what-the-fuck ever surfing museum foundation and get these two yappin again. Team Beachgrit demands redemption over the Gogger! Chas, you’re glory awaits you, you must take out lord Goggan of Stab. The surf media world depends on it. We, the people, of B-shit and kook, believe that the badvertorial lord can be conquered by wit and jive, and fact and more wit! We stand by the Grit! You must fight for your freedom, son! It is all we have!!!……
Until the ’18 CT starts at least – then we can make fun of everyone again \m/
What is the statute of limitations on reporting someone being a dick in the water? Cuz I personally know of 58,763 unsolved cases.
if they are documented from 3 separate angles from an array of synced gopro’s, they make you do 6 months community service for each count of “twattery”
Flea has that many alone.
I’ll contact Dean Morrison’s lawyer for you.
Great illustration. Really captures the gravity of the moment. Give this guy a regular slot.
WHY IS THE STORE SOLD OUT. I HAVE HAD TWOO MILLER LIGHTS AND I”M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE BUYING SHIT
I see you Surfrider Foundation. Pairing the reclaimed wood with the brushed nickel? En Flique
En Flique as in ‘go to the cops”[appropriate] or “cool, dude” [ironic].
Re-fucking-claimed wood, worse than boat timber counters at raised concrete beachside restaurants and their ever present partner in crime “buffalo chips with Aioli sauce”.
I fuck with buffalo chips and aioli sauce.
whats with all these Viagra ads everywhere
Those are special for you! I get “singles fitness.”
I keep getting dental implants which, I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me, internet.
Not butt implants?
You’d think, right? The internet is not as smart as it wants us to think. Instagram may be on to me, though. I keep getting an ad for some kind of core ass yoga.
I keep getting cowboy boots… I’ll swap ya for singles fitness.. oh wait, just got an ashley madison “cheat on your wife” ad. Way conflicted now
I get GoPro and Virgin Australia…. @urdadsurmum you limp mate?
The world is one big fucking “nana state” – fuck if someone does the wrong thing you should be able to tell them so without risk of defamation and lawsuits. If said person steps across the line and resorts to violence ( I don’t condone needless violence – most times) then you should be able to drop them without fear of reprisal lawsuits etc.
God help me if my kids are abused or the like, I guarantee I will be commenting from jail!!
Next level Tawdry Hepburn.
Chas (mostly): ” I have a dream that one day down in Florida, we will rise with the morning light to see yellow crime scene tape cordoning off the entrance to Surf Swamp Florida. ‘Sorry kids’ the local Sheriff says. ‘Active crime scene’ they hear between slurps of cold coffee. ‘No surfing today. There was an alleged assault’. I have a dream that one day…”
BULLSH!T, you dont crave that chaz, you crave the opposite; a world where you can pop lip and not get free cracks.
This magazine creates the soft, safe-space culture that caters to spoiled millennials who’s participation trophy laden wall gives rise to thoughts that spawn issues like this.
hierarchies based on competence and seniority held together with threat of violence need to be in place in lineups and many other places in society.
Oh I think you’re confused. Stab is over at stabmag.com.
idgaf about stab, i am calling you out on your hypocritical lies
What am I lying hypocritically about?
so much of your writing, and this magazine as well, is collective drivel craving for more state control
Are you being funny?
fuck am I a millennial?
Threat of violence , more guns Donald Nietzsche !!
all laws come from the barrel of a gun
read some history powder puff
wow you must be a Merrycan DTer. no history before guns , actually the world didn’t exist before Merricka cane along ,right my little trump[ette
eh, Mao said that, a Chinaman, not a murkin. Also, trump is worst president ever, next worse is obama, then bush, etc.
but I understand, your myopic hate makes you dumb, take heed little manlet, you might wake up one day.
oohhh, little manlet , haha , miix it with a bit of myopic hate , and a really dumb statement , “all laws come from the barrel of a gun ” and you ask me to read history ???
So you think Trump Obama and Bush are all the same , now there’s a thought , well actually if you can’t differentiate between Trump and Obama , we might have to relook at how your uncles couldn’t handle his own reality and he….?
“hierarchies based on competence and seniority held together with threat of violence need to be in place in lineups and many other places in society.”
Like the line outside your mother’s boudoir?
mom jokes, rad bro
Cool huh?
It’s appropriate to your level of argument.
Well in support of your sentiment, I must say I love me the fascist machine that run my home break – our trains do run on time, and relax, no auslander’s gonna dare snatch your purse when you’re napping. But I don’t think Chas is at all a quivery troll afraid of getting slapped for being an obnoxious gadfly! Quite the opposite. Have you seen the video of him rushing toward the barrel bombs? On a fucking moped? You ever get that loose? Of course not. I think the guy is bent enough that he pokes bears because deep down he wants to get mauled …