John John Florence
John got his head held underwater by the Australian mullet on the opening exchange and ended up getting his arse well and truly beat by the wildcard. | Photo: WSL

Day 3, Quik Pro: “A Sour Soviet Mood!”

Round two was terribly dull. Goodbye John John. Joel P gives a little dazzle.

Stumbling into Ross Williams on the path between Greenmount and Snapper I intro’ed myself as Steve Shearer writing for BeachGrit. He said, “Uh huh.”

Big man in the flesh, over six foot, Dad bod.

I asked him if I could chat to him about his coaching of John John 2018.

He said he wasn’t doing any media and I said, “Uh huh.”

“Any changes to the formula,” I pressed.

He said, “Nah”.

The reticence I believe was due to the arctic camo and syphilitic skin cancers up in his grill.

“What about boards, putting more volume in made a massive difference last year, any changes this year?”

“He’s a big dude,”he said. “Still growing, so we need to keep evolving the equipment.”

It was a low-energy exchange and it left me worried about John.

There is a growing trend in him towards philosophicalism, a character flaw I am well acquainted with. Anyone seeking self knowledge via a surfing competition is prone to wandering in a wilderness of delusion. That is called, in the school of Surf Journalism I subscribe to, as The Kelly Error.

John did start low energy against Mikey Wright. He got his head held underwater in the opening exchanges by the Australian mullet and ended up getting his arse well and truly beat by the wildcard.

Gabby played rope-a-dope against Leo slipping away from expected confrontation and laying hammer blows on smaller waves, drawing the pity of Ronnie Blakey who called the wave Gabby surfed a “poor thing.”

The bigger showcase was the judging signal laid down by new Head Judge Pritamo Ahrendt. It was a major and much needed correction of Porta Era over-scoring. Leo threw a technically perfect tail high throw and got a 3.77. It would have got a high six under Porta. In the rush to establish the scale Medina was probably underscored, especially in the context of a day of mostly mediocre round two surfing.

Wilko choked against new rookie Michael February. For perfect two-to-three-foot rippable point surf it seemed incredibly easy to get lost out there. I’ve long thought incumbency is as much of a hindrance as a help at Snapper and Wilko proved my point.

I needed some expert advice to find out why and sought the counsel of Irish Super Strategist and Coach of the most lethal team in pro surfing history, Glen Micro Hall.

Once again I intro’ed myself and we shook hands. Little man, clean cut, ripped. Shaved down if I’m not mistaken.
“Glen”, I said “Why are Wilko and other top seeds finding this lineup so hard to read? There are good waves everywhere out there.”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Any theories?”

“Nah, not really.”

Is that not core business?

Do coaches not collect their ten percent to figure this shit out? Or am I reading this wrong?

There was no question of rookies over-respecting incumbents and the day was looking tedious until Parko took the water behind the rock against Pat Gudauskas. In the last two days I have seen hundreds of waves spit their guts out after barrelling from behind the rock. And not one pro surfer has paddled over and caught one.

Parko threaded one, then two, then three. Putting the big swinging top turn carve on the end for emphasis. The only waves ridden in two full days of mens competition that reached into the eight-plus excellent range.

Objectively analysing the crowd using scientific transects and language detection I estimated the official language of QuikPro as Portugese. Lots of gals, lots of brown guys. Not White Australia at all. A gal in front of me and Jazzy P swooned and dropped to the floor in the Corona Pavilion. Two babes in front swivelled bottoms slowly from side to side like honeybees at the hive. The air was thick with the chemical smell of sunscreen and human pheromones.

A cadet surf journalist interned to me by Derek Hynd asked me if I had any advice and I said, “The best way to avoid a hangover is not to drink but the best way to deal with a hangover is to have another one.”

“Jazzy P, have you got your hands on the BG purse strings, I need another Corona.”

M Rod was the only other pale sun to shine on a dull day when anticipation of much greater things to come infused the day with a sour, Soviet mood emanating from judges, surfers, fans, coaches and surf journalists alike.

Round two. We should all write a letter to the Commissioner and ask them to drop-kick it off a cliff.

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Cyclone 13P named by the Joint Typhoon Warning Centre in Honolulu is bearing down on the QLD coast and on track to deliver a finals finish at Kirra if WSL can play their cards right. If, comrades, they had run overlapping heats today they could’ve been in a go position to pick the eyes out of what may be a small window of cyclonic opportunity and enlivened an otherwise dull day.

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Mikey Wright (AUS) 15.10 def. John John Florence (HAW) 10.76
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.00 def. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 7.90
Heat 3: Michael February (ZAF) 11.03 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 8.97
Heat 4: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 11.40 def. Ian Gouveia (BRA) 10.07
Heat 5: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 17.03 def. Patrick Gudauskas (USA) 9.67
Heat 6: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 14.67 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 10.80
Heat 7: Frederico Morais (PRT) 12.16 def. Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 9.90
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 10.60 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 8.86
Heat 9: Willian Cardoso (BRA) 12.90 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 10.83
Heat 10: Conner Coffin (USA) 12.20 def. Yago Dora (BRA) 10.60
Heat 11: Tomas Hermes (BRA) 14.93 def. Joan Duru (FRA) 12.17
Heat 12: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.74 def. Jesse Mendes (BRA) 11.13

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 3 Matchups:
Heat 1: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA)
Heat 2: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Conner Coffin (USA)
Heat 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Tomas Hermes (BRA)
Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
Heat 5: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 6: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Mikey Wright (AUS)
Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Michael February (ZAF)
Heat 8: Frederico Morais (PRT) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Griffin Colapinto (USA)
Heat 10: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
Heat 11: Connor O’Leary (AUS) vs. Michel Bourez (PYF)
Heat 12: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)

Roxy Pro Gold Coast Semifinal Matchups:
Heat 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Malia Manuel (HAW)
Heat 2: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Keely Andrew (AUS)

Ten gees and you're in the pool for an hour (four, five waves), with land and water video-stills angles!

Open: $9788 to Ride Surf Ranch for 1 hour!

Tickets for Founders Cup released including ultra-VIP, ride-the-pool package… 

A few minutes ago, the WSL released tickets for its Founders Cup team event at the Surf Ranch on the weekend of May 5 and 6.

A hundred and five bucks will get you through the big cedar doors for one day ($86.20 for kids under ten), $157.27 for the weekend ($127.40 for kids) and a VIP all-weekend ticket is $517.77. The VIP ticket grants its holder “VIP seating” for both days, access to a lounge, food and booze and a parking pass.

Oh but that ain’t it.

The ticket you’ll be dressing up in your tightest leather mini-skirt, sequinned silver halter and precarious heels and throwing fat wads of cash at is The Surf Ranch Experience™. It costs $9500 (plus the $288 booking fee) and “after an entire weekend of watching perfect waves, you’ll get your chance to join the very short list of people who have surfed Kelly’s creation. The Surf Ranch Experience™ provides a one-hour surf session in the pool on Monday, May 7. You’ll feel like the pro’s you just spent a weekend watching, with a personalised locker, coaching and professional photography and videography from both land and water. The experience includes full VIP treatment through the event complete with VIP seating, lounge access, free food and beverage, premium gift bag, parking pass, and Tachi Palace hotel room for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. In addition, you’ll get an exclusive invite to the pre-event party and dinner on Friday, and the invite-only concert afterparty on Saturday. Get ready for the experience of a lifetime. Questions about this package? [email protected].”

I hardly have to ask.

But, are you in?

Oh, and the teams, if you’re wondering:

Captain: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS)
Mick Fanning (AUS)
Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
Julian Wilson (AUS)
Tyler Wright (AUS)

Captain: Gabriel Medina (BRA)
Adriano de Souza (BRA)
Filipe Toledo (BRA)
Silvana Lima (BRA)
Taina Hinckel (BRA)

Captain: Johanne Defay (FRA)
Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Frederico Morais (PRT)
Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Frankie Harrer (DEU)

Captain: Kelly Slater (USA)
John John Florence (USA)
Kolohe Andino (USA)
Carissa Moore (USA)
Courtney Conlogue (USA)

Captain: Jordy Smith (ZAF)
Michel Bourez (PYF)
Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)
Paige Hareb (NZL)
Bianca Buitendag (ZAF)

Science: Navy to study benefits of surfing!

Does surfing offer great promise as therapy?

We have spent some time here discussing surfing’s metaphysical benefits and believe our conclusions are mostly agnostic. Right? Like, surfing can make you happy but it can also make you angry. That whatever mystical communion happens on the water is mostly a reflection of the micro-dosed LSD and not coming from surfing itself. Right?

Well, the United States Navy thinks otherwise. Or possibly thinks otherwise. For The Washington Post reported over the weekend:

In song and prose, surfing has long been celebrated as a way to soothe the mind and invigorate the body. But scientific evidence has been limited. Now the Navy has embarked on a $1 million research project to determine whether surfing has therapeutic value, especially for military personnel with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression or sleep problems. Researchers say surfing offers great promise as therapy. It is a challenging exercise in an outdoor environment; people surf individually or in groups; military surfers who are reluctant to attend traditional group therapy open up about their common experiences when talking to other surfers on the beach.

Hmmmmm. All fine and good, of course, but what if a Navy man paddles out with his post-traumatic stress disorder at, say, crowded Lowers and gets dropped in on, yelled at, burned, yelled at some more? I would imagine surfing would not be helpful here but I suppose that is what the million dollars will pinpoint.

Which lineup on earth do you think is most PTSD inducing?

a) Pipeline

b) Snapper

c) Lowers

d) Mundaka

e) Silver Strand

f) other

Lakey Peterson
Lake Peterson blew my mind with speed, aggression, repertoire and turn speed. The webcast tends to flatten but live and in the flesh her turns blew my eyelids back. I hope you reprobates watched. | Photo: WSL

Day 2, Quik Pro: “Lakey Blew My Eyelids Back!”

…BeachGrit correspondent wanders into women's event. Loses the ability close eyes.

A garbage truck woke me in the dark so I got up, did 50 push-ups, drank an instant coffee black, no sugar and went surfing at Snapper Rocks. Only for research mind, as part of my demystifying campaign ’18.

Ordinarily, I don’t surf while covering a CT, Teahupoo excepted. I know Nick Carroll surfs a lot but I think it’s disrespectful to surf on the publisher’s dime. One day I’ll have to square off with Chas’ wife and explain why Chas needed to do split shifts at the Saloon to pay for me to go surfing.

I only had a blue Mick Fanning soft top on account of a hectic day yesterday. My industrial kava shipment from Vanuatu (totally legal) hadn’t come through so I was trying to tap my ADHD mate for some Ritalin but he was in Nimbin starting a new peoples bank to smash the Zionist Banking conspiracy and fuck driving to Nimbin on a rainy Sunday. It would have to be straight edge on a foamy. No leash.

The water was to die for, like a warm silk sheet. Insane, surreal, ludicrous crowd. Roughly 50:50 gender split.

I paddled straight behind the rock and started hustling around Fanning, just to see what that felt like. It felt good. Oh, of course there was the negative mental self-talk to deal with, “What the fuck are you doing out here next to Mick Fanning, beat it back to Bribie you kook, get back on the bus” etc.

A large, shambolic red-headed gentleman dropped in on Adriano De Souza and started screaming at him. Then shouting at Joel Parkinson. Apparently, they knew each other. The Ranga ended the dialogue by saying “just because you rip doesn’t mean you’re cool”. A Japanese sunrise threw golden rays across the lineup as a juvenile Australasian Gannet dove into the water a metre from me and emerged with a wriggling garfish in it’s beak.

A set wave reared up, mine! I put the head down and as it lurched saw Mick Fanning come in behind me and go. I almost Gabbied him comrades but grabbed the foamy, hit the brakes and got pitched over the falls, getting a beautiful bird’s-eye view of Mick bottom-turning up into the tube.

You think you are going to get a set wave behind the rock during a CT on a blue foamy? I’m here to tell you you won’t.

Nick Carroll in his unwritten best seller, How to be a Surf Journalist, Chapter 3 instructs that the point of goofing off and surfing on the publisher’s dime is not for the self-indulgence of a personal ride amongst the pros but to objectively analyse who is ripping. On this sage advice everyone pretty much looked like they do on the webcast and only one person really stood out for me. That was Italo Ferreira. Italo was taking the JJF at Margarets line, which is to draw the bottom-turn a little shorter off the base of the wave, getting the board up to the top with more speed and then unleashing devastating top turns. The rotational speed of Italo’s backhand top turns shocked me to the core.

Do you live in Wabash County Minnesota, like throwing gliders for Stud pike in Lake Pepin, root for the Wild and Vikings during season and personally know three people who mix their beer with opioids? Congratulations, you are the new WSL target market and now you have had surfing Snapper during a CT event demystified!

The demystifying campaign ended predictably. I finally hooked into a nugget with a wall stretched into Little Marley, got the soft top up into a high, fine trim-line and some non-pro thought, “I’ll have that one”. Dropping the shoulder I hit him at full speed, there was heavy contact. We both came up in the whitewater. He looked at me and I said “Wut!”.

He shrugged and paddled off, I swam to the beach.

Do you live in Wabash County Minnesota, like throwing gliders for Stud pike in Lake Pepin, root for the Wild and Vikings during season and personally know three people who mix their beer with opioids? Congratulations, you are the new WSL target market and now you have had surfing Snapper during a CT event demystified!

Womens surfing all day. Did you watch? Entertained? Me, muchly, richly and deeply. A few things stood out.
Writer Jen See observed a bad body issue vibe amongst Women’s Professional surfing; “hella anorexia vibe” in her words. That vibe was missing today, and for good I think. In its place, unabashed athleticism. The focus was not the derriere but the surfing, and the surfing carried the focus.


From the microcosm to the macrocosm Women’s Sport is in the ascendancy.

Lakey Peterson blew my tiny mind, once, against Carissa in round three, heat one, and then again in her quarter-final against Tyler Wright. She blew it with speed, aggression, repertoire and turn speed. The webcast tends to flatten but live and in the flesh her turns blew my eyelids back. I hope you reprobates watched.

I had a static picture of womens surfing being Steph, Tyler and Carissa and a big gap to the rest. That’s flat-earth thinking, no disrespect to Ol’ Willie Slater.

Malia Manuel, I thought she was a babe. A pretty gal who sold truckloads of Nike activewear and surfed well enough to be a tour backmarker. Completely wrong. In close to flawless performance waves against Tyler Wright she laid down the finest exchanges, maybe ever. Then repeated the dose against Carissa.

Both Carissa and Steph looked a little lost, under-cooked and guilty of poor wave selection.

A butch lesbian in front of me with “not all who wander are lost” tattooed on her calf was visibly upset when Steph got knocked.

Sixteen year old Floridian Caroline Marks threw salty shots skywards all day. Does it surprise a sixteen-year-old girl is on tour? Not me, because of my objective analysis this morning I was able to discern the warmup crowd at Snapper was at least half composed of sixteen-year-old girls.

Lakey Peterson did better power turns today, in front of a crowd composed of Brazilian girls with bubble butts and middle-aged Australian men with skin like papier mache, than in any men’s heat I saw yesterday.

Anyone who disputes has an insecure masculinity.


Roxy Pro Gold Coast Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Malia Manuel (HAW) 12.06 def. Tatiana Weston-Webb (HAW) 8.10
Heat 2: Caroline Marks (USA) 12.33 def. Sage Erickson (USA) 11.16
Heat 3: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 15.17 def. Bianca Buitendag (ZAF) 10.40
Heat 4: Lakey Peterson (USA) 14.17 def. Paige Hareb (NZL) 8.80
Heat 5: Keely Andrew (AUS) 15.33 def. Nikki Van Dijk (AUS) 9.50
Heat 6: Silvana Lima (BRA) 12.76 def. Bronte Macaulay (AUS) 11.27

Roxy Pro Gold Coast Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) 16.26, Carissa Moore (HAW) 14.76, Macy Callaghan (AUS) 8.64
Heat 2: Malia Manuel (HAW) 13.96, Tyler Wright (AUS) 13.04, Coco Ho (HAW) 11.86
Heat 3: Caroline Marks (USA) 14.17, Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 13.40, Silvana Lima (BRA) 12.76
Heat 4: Keely Andrew (AUS) 14.97, Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) 14.16, Johanne Defay (FRA) 13.53

Roxy Pro Gold Coast Quarterfinal Results:
Heat 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) 15.23 def. Tyler Wright (AUS) 12.67
Heat 2: Malia Manuel (HAW) 15.83 def. Carissa Moore (HAW) 12.60
Heat 3: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) 16.57 def. Caroline Marks (USA) 13.77
Heat 4: Keely Andrew (AUS) 11.87 def. Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 10.83

Roxy Pro Gold Coast Semifinal Matchups:
Heat 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Malia Manuel (HAW)
Heat 2: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Keely Andrew (AUS)

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 2 Matchups:
Heat 1: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Mikey Wright (AUS)
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Heat 3: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Michael February (ZAF)
Heat 4: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Ian Gouveia (BRA)
Heat 5: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Patrick Gudauskas (USA)
Heat 6: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
Heat 7: Frederico Morais (PRT) vs, Ezekiel Lau (HAW)
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Keanu Asing (HAW)
Heat 9: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA)
Heat 10: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Yago Dora (BRA)
Heat 11: Joan Duru (FRA) vs. Tomas Hermes (BRA)
Heat 12: Jesse Mendes (BRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)


Kelly Slater John C Reilly
Happy face swaps with John C Reilly!

Calm down: Kelly Slater gonna surf ’til 50!

He is out of Snapper but here for ten more years!

Much consternation is ripping around the globe right now as the great Kelly Slater just let it be known, via Instagram, that he will not surf at 2018’s Snapper opener. That his foot is ouchy and panicking is not the right call and… oh what am I doing paraphrasing the man. He has fingers. He can speak for himself.

I have officially withdrawn from the #QuikProGoldCoast. For many months, my gut feeling has been to use this injury as a platform to overhaul and reset my mind and body. The looming excitement about a new year starting, my foot sort of magically allowing me to surf the past couple of days, and a number of other factors had me talking myself back into jumping in as soon as possible against my better judgment. I feel I’ve had a couple of half hearted attempts these past couple of years fighting injury and desire. The foot injury symbolizes a lot at this point in my career both as an ending and as a beginning. Hearing @mfanno talk about his reasons for retiring at the upcoming Bells event yesterday rang true for me also around going in the direction of doing things that make you uncomfortable. Competing is a natural environment for us both and it’s the easy route for me. I think it best that I properly rehabilitate the injury and choose to surf wholeheartedly, not from the excitement or stress of a last minute arrival. It’s not very professional or responsible and it won’t allow me to be at my best potential. I really love the energy around the events, especially a new year, and I find myself at odds especially with a potential Kirra swell approaching. I wish the best for everyone this event and a special good luck to @mikeyfebruary who will surf in my absence. Let him know if he wins I’m requesting a 10% caddy fee!😀🤷🏽‍♂️ Thanks to the WSL and crew for helping accommodate my predicament and I’ll be back when the time is right for me.✌🏽

Long, I know, and those inclined to dismal outlooks/ in bad relationships will read the parts about Mick and taking 10% of a poor South African’s winnings as tacit admission of defeat. That the end snuck up on them while they were… checking Instagram.

But here is the thing. Kelly Slater is not Mick Fanning. He is not a fast bogan who hunchbacked his way to three accidental world titles and a fortuitous shark punch.


Kelly Slater is the greatest athlete of all time. He is even greater than Tom Brady and Tom Brady has vowed to play professional football until he is 50.

Professional football, for those unaware, is a difficult game. A hard game where men leave and commit suicide because their brains are so rattled and bodies so broken.

Professional surfing is not professional football and moreover with the new changes. Do you not think Kelly will surf at his own Surf Ranch? Do you not think he will surf in the four global Surf Ranch events that will define the tour in four years? The future is Kelly’s and he knows it. He will surf professionally until he is 50 or maybe even 60 in pools that he invented because what the hell else is he going to do? Launch a beer company?