It’s real cute how you kick with your legs.
That’s a mighty nice board you have. Is it new? It looks new.
You just got it. Oooh, it’s custom. 7’3”. I’m sure that three inches is very important to you.
Did you pick the color? It’s awfully pretty. Oh, your girlfriend picked it. Well, that’s nice. Does she surf? No, no, of course not. I can’t imagine what I was thinking.
You usually surf a shortboard.
And when exactly do you do that? When it’s not crowded. So I guess what you’re saying is never. You never surf a shortboard.
Your shortboard is a 6’6”. It’s that one on the beach. You mean, the red thing right there. That’s a fish. Your shortboard is a fish.
Thrusters. Have you heard of them. They work pretty great, actually. You know, three fins. They make carbon fins now. I like carbon fins. Thrusters. Simon Anderson. Kelly Slater. Surely you know Kelly Slater. A shortboard is not a fish.
Why are you backpaddling me. Your hair is still dry and you’re backpaddling me. You don’t even know what backpaddling is, do you. You love that board. It catches so many waves. That’s why you bought it. Your bro said you’d get so many waves. You always listen to your bro.
Did you know that Farmer John makes your arms look small? Maybe you should check out the gym some time. Chicks dig big arms.
Or I don’t know, maybe just wear a suit with sleeves. They make them, you know. Full suits. With sleeves. Sleeves are pretty great in winter. Which, it’s winter now, actually. You know, low tide in the afternoon. Winter. It’s hard to keep track sometimes.
It’s real cute how you kick with your legs. That are not in the water. Your legs are not in the water, but you’re still kicking. If I took your board away, could you swim. You would drown, wouldn’t you. And then I’d have to save you, so maybe don’t do that please.
You’re behind the section. You’re still behind the section. You’re still behind the section. You’re not going to make it around. Keep holding on to that rail, though. That’s definitely going to help.
Does your arm always do that. I don’t understand what your arm is doing. You’re trying to fly. That must be it. Flap on.
You’re back again. That’s nice. We missed you out here. You were gone so long. We thought you’d left us. We’d be so sad if you left us.
You probably cut in line at the coffee shop, too, don’t you. Just walk right up to the front and get your coffee. It’s fine. We don’t mind at all. We like just sitting here watching you surf.
Oh look! A wave! I see you’re going again. Good, good, just keep going.
Fuck. No. I’m taking this one. Get out of my way. Out. Of. My. Way. Fuck. I’m going.
I’m making it. I’m making it. Oh look, a section. Get your board out of the way. Why are you paddling for it. I was going to hit that section. Hit. It. Now look what you’ve done.
I have to go around your dumb board. Around. Now I’m going too slow and I have to hump and flail to get going again. I hope nobody is watching this part. I am humping and flailing and it’s all your fault.
One last turn. Please let me have one last turn. Bam. Nailed it. This surfing thing isn’t too bad, really.
People, get rid of your midlengths. They’re terrible.