It’s real cute how you kick with your legs.
That’s a mighty nice board you have. Is it new? It looks new.
You just got it. Oooh, it’s custom. 7’3”. I’m sure that three inches is very important to you.
Did you pick the color? It’s awfully pretty. Oh, your girlfriend picked it. Well, that’s nice. Does she surf? No, no, of course not. I can’t imagine what I was thinking.
You usually surf a shortboard.
I see.
And when exactly do you do that? When it’s not crowded. So I guess what you’re saying is never. You never surf a shortboard.
Your shortboard is a 6’6”. It’s that one on the beach. You mean, the red thing right there. That’s a fish. Your shortboard is a fish.
Thrusters. Have you heard of them. They work pretty great, actually. You know, three fins. They make carbon fins now. I like carbon fins. Thrusters. Simon Anderson. Kelly Slater. Surely you know Kelly Slater. A shortboard is not a fish.
Why are you backpaddling me. Your hair is still dry and you’re backpaddling me. You don’t even know what backpaddling is, do you. You love that board. It catches so many waves. That’s why you bought it. Your bro said you’d get so many waves. You always listen to your bro.
Did you know that Farmer John makes your arms look small? Maybe you should check out the gym some time. Chicks dig big arms.
Or I don’t know, maybe just wear a suit with sleeves. They make them, you know. Full suits. With sleeves. Sleeves are pretty great in winter. Which, it’s winter now, actually. You know, low tide in the afternoon. Winter. It’s hard to keep track sometimes.
It’s real cute how you kick with your legs. That are not in the water. Your legs are not in the water, but you’re still kicking. If I took your board away, could you swim. You would drown, wouldn’t you. And then I’d have to save you, so maybe don’t do that please.
You’re behind the section. You’re still behind the section. You’re still behind the section. You’re not going to make it around. Keep holding on to that rail, though. That’s definitely going to help.
Does your arm always do that. I don’t understand what your arm is doing. You’re trying to fly. That must be it. Flap on.
You’re back again. That’s nice. We missed you out here. You were gone so long. We thought you’d left us. We’d be so sad if you left us.
You probably cut in line at the coffee shop, too, don’t you. Just walk right up to the front and get your coffee. It’s fine. We don’t mind at all. We like just sitting here watching you surf.
Oh look! A wave! I see you’re going again. Good, good, just keep going.
Fuck. No. I’m taking this one. Get out of my way. Out. Of. My. Way. Fuck. I’m going.
I’m making it. I’m making it. Oh look, a section. Get your board out of the way. Why are you paddling for it. I was going to hit that section. Hit. It. Now look what you’ve done.
I have to go around your dumb board. Around. Now I’m going too slow and I have to hump and flail to get going again. I hope nobody is watching this part. I am humping and flailing and it’s all your fault.
One last turn. Please let me have one last turn. Bam. Nailed it. This surfing thing isn’t too bad, really.
People, get rid of your midlengths. They’re terrible.
Ben put up his liver spotted hand, his turqoise paddle, but the rapid staccato machine gunner that was the Voice, shouted, “For twofhundred, redpaddle, gimme a twoften, twoften, twofen. Twofen! Twofen! Twofen! Twofen! Twofen! Goes eh once, goes eh twice, gosenthree, GOSENTWOFRED PADDLE!”
Ben saw him. He hadn’t aged a day. But he bore the marks of treatment. Decades of time in chlorinated waters. He saw why he was so fast, he had a hired a guy to hold up the red paddle for the bid. He always won. Always used a red paddle. Gregory Jones Markster Barden-Trump, the VIII. Heir of the Barden-Trump sympire and one of the last ones in his natural body. The rest of his family, even the crazy younger ones, were uploaded to various cyber forms, imitating humanity.
He winced. The classic navy blue stripes was faded. Instead of white, was bleached to a cream color, but the pastel cursive, “Wavestorm” was emblazoned. It was removed off the stage by the Stylist Man in black suit and white gloves, and the Model Woman wearing the same matching outfit, cut for the lady’s persuasion. Barden Trump would never put it in water.
It was one of the last boards to touch the ocean before the rising waters had changed things. 1000 years ago, and still somewhat flexible, a testament in that era it flourished, the throw away society of the Millennial Falcons. Since then. Electric generators and government agencies being sued by generator moralities, lead to banning of surfing from oceans. Wildlife refuges and shell fish regulators, swooped in. And the multi-vigintillion WPL, ( Wave Pool Lobby ) had smooched, squeezed, or simply killed the politicos into ending ocean access for everyone, so their fifty cent ride for fifty seconds . . . would sell, sell, sell. And sold it had.
A real board, the ones of ancient fiberglass or neo fiber matrix, would have cost millions and many were in private collections or museums before Bhodites would rob during the day at working hours or sneak in after hours with AI robots to disable the security and lasers. Plus those boards needed much repair to hold in the near toxic and warm oceans and finesse to ride. Good luck finding wax. Some people had to raid the liposuction and bio body disposal places for fat to make something near 20th century surf wax.
Everyone that broke the law and surfed in the ocean, said it changed their lives. Ben hoped he could get at least a white water run before his legs gave out and he had to switch to cybernetics for the next stage, 300 years of his life. To feel a wave with his own skin, while he, at 200 years, still felt it.
And feel it he would. Ten years later he would find a preserved wooden board. In a barn in Arizona, where the coast was, after the San Andreas ultra mega quake incident.
Twelve feet long. The more coveted Roy Stewart, made in traditional 18th century miniature galleon model methodology, boat style with ribbing and bent wood skin. It had too much damage. But the ‘Hot Curl’ redwood inspiration would work.
Later, he and ten other people ran out in between the drone patrols and robot seals. Their robots helped carry the heavies. The mechanical sharks with Asimov programming went in for the kill, but only on the boards.
The redwood held up. Ben made it out the line up. Simulations of real ocean surfing paid off. As a rising swell crested over, he had to cheat by using the soft body squid engine, but it was worth it. Joy, euphoria registered and something he could not describe in words, but understand and feeling in his bones, mind, and flesh.
As the judge’s gavel struck down the sentence, “100 years mine work in the asteroid belt of Amon-Ra system . . . followed by 50 years on Chocobo planet, yard bird tending.” It was worth it. But his only regret was the urge to repeat it again would make the next 160 years near unbearable.
Absolute load of shit
Who the hell are these goobers on a short boards? When did they get here? Don’t they realize that Surfline lied to them and it’s only 2 ft today? Why are they even wasting their time? “Nice chop hop bro” Can’t bring a knife to a sword fight…
Damn straight I’m taking this wave. You better believe I’ve been surfing here longer than you punk. Don’t even think about paddling for this wave. I don’t care if you think I’m too deep, I will make this section, get a cheeky head dip and do a cutback around you if need be. And after I catch this one, if your still sitting in the wrong spot, I’m gonna take the next one too. Can’t teach stupid….
Shit yeah my board is 18 inches longer than yours. I wasn’t sold a dream by the media. I’ve been living the dream for 3 decades. And today my dream is to ride a longer board than yours and get more waves than you. Just like yesterday my dream was to paddle across the lineup on my 11ft glider. Can’t you get outta my way…
Guess what!?!? Tomorrow is going to be pumping. And tomorrow when you grab your 6’2″ step-up cuz it’s “8ft”, I will be on my 5’10” fishy shortboard, still taking set waves, still deeper than you, still wondering where the f*** you came from.
Satire is a brilliant thing
Sooooo freaking funny. Except for the backpaddling part. That’s just survival of the fittest.
You just described my recent trip to Noosa
clearly written by someone who rides a longbiard and is a hater no matter what. move back inland, go back to your cross country skis. thx
The next time anyone from Beach Grit try’s to give anyone at Stab any shit over comments or content read that article again and go and fuck yourself. That was painful to read
I thought it was Jens best work to date. Regardless, we’ll do as we please.
The rest of her work must be pretty poor if that was her best to date. American surf culture and Aussie surf culture are sooo different. You have a funny way of telling someone they are a kook!
Look you’re new here, read it again. Soak it in.
A story that just said “you’re a kook” isn’t much of a read is it? regardless of where you’re from…
You make a good point negatron but I can’t help but think Jen is a kook ,kind of like a swim coach that’s never been in a pool. Don’t get me wrong l hate any surfboard with a round nose regardless of what length it is and the people who ride them
Methinks thou dost protest overmuch.
Hmm let me guess… Shakespeare rides a long board
It’s a misquote of a line from Hamlet. I am implying that because you are so vocal in your hate, you are trying to appear something that you are not.
Wow you sound as hip and trendy as Jen but with more sand in your vagina
Show me footage of Jen ripping on a short board and I’ll stand corrected
At no point in anything she has written has Jen claimed she is a ripper. In fact, most of her writing shows great self awareness.
So she’s a kook who criticises surfers on their ability and fashion. I just think if you’re going to write articles about surfers and surfing on a surfing website you should be able to surf
So there are 2 positions? Ripper or kook? Nowhere in between? And I think you’ll find the main thrust of the article is aimed at the lack of self, and situational awareness of ol mate minimal rider going on every wave. Now I don’t believe I will in any way sway your opinion, as you seem for more interested in being annoyed than discussion, nor do I believe that Jen in any way needs me to defend her. So you just carry on and have yourself a grumpy day mr total(tool?) package
It’s your own fault if someone else is catching every wave in a session no matter how long their board is. In certain circumstances it’s ok drop in on someone or just call them out for being a snake. Don’t just sit there getting mad and write an article about it
Did you actually read the article? Or just jump straight to bagging it in the comments?
No I can’t read
Go back to bed Ashton.
Do you need a tissue? Channelled bottom hole
You sound upset
Ummmmm, this whole website is based around getting mad and writing an article about it.
Tell you what, Mister “I hate everything with a round nose”, why don’t you show us a video of your surfing. Every Surfer has friends that ride a longboard on 16 feet faces better than 99% of all year round surfers. Amuse us.
I found your comment painful to read. Welcome to beach grit. Don’t feel obliged to stick around if the writing is so shit…..
A good rule of thumb is ride whatever the fuck you want and have fun, ignore these surf media bottom feeder types spewing bile on their lame websites trying to be edgy
#metoo
Yes all this. I totally want one of those wetsuits with a suit printed on it
Ooof. Stinging.
But the Inertia doesn’t even understand what you said as it struggles up the beach with the backwards wetsuit.
It’s just thinking proudly: “She liked my surfing!”
Ahahahahahahahaha fuck. So good.
Thanks, but you wrote the piece.
But if you only KNEW how many times dudes have told me that in the lineup. So many times. I nod and smile, generally.
“You’re behind the section. You’re still behind the section. You’re still behind the section. You’re not going to make it around. Keep holding on to that rail, though.” that shit was money, Jen.
“I was going to hit that section. Hit. It.” Sure!
Jen, why do you write about me, you don’t even know me. Stalker much?
Look, the midlength is just a tool. By themselves, midlengths don’t hurt anybody. A midlength is only as dangerous as its operator. They don’t hurt people, bad surfers do. We don’t need fewer midlengths. We need more responsible midlength ownership.
This has been a message from TomHouse, Chairman of the NMA
I can’t see your comment, Jen’s covered you in too much SHADE
Keeping talking, dude, keep talking
I’m with you on the midlengths, mate. Everyone should have one. Not for all days, but for those smooth, flowy days.
That’s when you jump on a 9’6”!
The only that stops a bad guy with a mid length is a good guy with a mid length…
I’m that good guy! That’s me!
keep talkin’ 😘
i let my midlength ridin’ do the talking. Also my mouth and keyboard, I guess.
TLDR: Jen wants you to know that she surfs. And NOT in a kooky hipster on a trend sorta way. Shes the REAL kind of surfer who knows things, and knows how to use sarcasm. She’s tired of all the phony surfers she encounters
Next time Jen I suggest a mid face bottom turn , unweight front foot lifting nose of board gently over 7’3” head then gently reapply pressure to front foot sandwiching the perpetrator between the two boards in an attempt to squeeze some sense into him/her? Quasi nonviolent resistance hopefully leading to social change in lineup.
I like how you think, my dude.
The dude abides
Passive aggressive.
I re-read this article from end to beginning. Wow! It’s just as much fun! You are genius Jen! A palindrome article! Fucking brilliant!
You mean like “kook?”
I had to look up palindrome because I am not that smart. You read this end to beginning? And it worked? Damn. I thought my brain had weird ideas. 👀
I read it beginning to end. Enjoyed it immensely. But had a weird thought, which are what Fridays were invented for, that the structure suited a start from an end that I will use to begin. Read the sentences normally, but start with the last and work back towards the beginning. This is probably the result of copious amounts of boredom and sobriety at the moment. It does read with its same whimsical character firmly left intact.
If only I could claim I did it on purpose! But I am not that smart. Enjoy however you like!
I am happy about the uptick in your work being published on Beach Grit. You bring it unique. And it’s very good!
My personal favorite is the Wave Storm guy. He lives 50 miles inland, has a lifted 2-wheel drive truck, he has a barbed wire tattoo and a muscle gut, and he back paddles and goes left on rights and vice versa. Wave Storm guy was out at the harbor today….
Oh Wavestorm guy, I am with you on Wavestorm guy.
But Midlength Guy is so irksome for his righteous conviction that he is found the True Path. Also, he just thinks he’s so fucking cool. On the list of men I want to punch in surfing, Midlength Guy is very near the top!
There’s a list? Full disclosure please.
Agreed! I need Jen’s list. I’ll even print it and put it on my refrigerator for days when I need a quick smile….
A girl’s gotta have some secrets!
What about Sprinter Van guy/girl with 12 boards in the back, organic coffee in hand, flannel shirt in the summer, a story about “their secret Baja wave” that has 50 people out when he/she shows you a photo, and their uncanny knack for taking 3 parking spaces????
Sprinter Van persons can be sighted at the pass, Byron. Approach with caution, unless you want a lecture about veganism and permaculture.
And that’s just what they’re growing in the van.
Kudos on talking 3 parking spaces. OG crowd control.
#vanlife is the best life! I mean, so I hear, she says, rolling into a parking slot in a VW bug with two boards stuffed in the front seat.
Don’t forget about about hidden liters guy. 40 liters in a 5′ 10″ board. Same negative impact as the mid-length guy, or even the wave storm guy.
Oh yeah, that is me.. Never mind.
Just tell them it’s Tom Curren’s Kneeboard.
Lol the guy who goes the wrong way because he only goes frontside.
Wavestorm guy probably has more fun than Jen.
There are several Wavestorm guys everyday at 15th street in Del Mar that drive me nuts….because they catch anything and ride forever. How does that sound like any fun.
if it was 1937 at Queens you’d be right on the money
Is there is more mid-length-suited break in the known universe than 15th Street Del Mar? No, no there is not.
Great point…
And they all deserve each other. 15th is the proverbial flame that attracts all of the mid-length/storm riding moths.
I like rails that sink. Idk. Just a thing I guess!
Perfect answer!
I saw a large Hawaiian man duck dive a wavestorm last week! I couldn’t believe it.
Don’t you love it when someone elects to go the wrong way on a wave. Bring on Wave Storm guy!
I once saw someone try to go left at Rincon and it was very confusing.
Was it the shaved armpit wonder himself trying to take out the GOAT?
Ha! No! But I would laugh if it was!
Haha, “lifted 2wd” is a fantastic (and true) detail.