Review: “I tried Laird’s Superfood!”

Gluten free! Vegan! Non-GMO!

Laird Hamilton, best known for his theories about sharks and women’s periods, has a line of drink mixes, Laird Superfood. According to the brand’s website, Laird apparently had an epiphany one day when he was adding his usual scoop of butter to his coffee. There must be a better way!

I received some samples of Laird Superfood. I tried them, so you don’t have to. Unless you want! I mean, you can! You do you, you crazy diamonds.

Laird Superfood is sold in single-serving 24-gram pouches. They are tastefully designed in shades of green. Gluten free! Vegan! Non-GMO! The logo features the outline of a figure, presumably Laird, riding a SUP. In the logo, he is depicted as a regular foot.

My samples included two flavors: Hydrate, which contains freeze-dried coconut water, and Instafuel, which the packaging describes as “premium instant coffee” with superfood creamer. The Instafuel requires boiled water, which doesn’t feel all that instant. But it does promise to take our coffee experience “to the next level.”

The Instafuel package has a large photo of Laird. He paddles a SUP in a giant, photogenic wave of the sort that Laird is famous for riding. In the picture, Laird, a regular foot is surfing backside on a right. This hurt my brain. It reminded me of the time I saw a stock photo showing a left used to depict Malibu.

But I’m sure all of this is totally fine. Maybe Laird was SUPing switch to make it harder. Maybe that’s what happens when you eat the Superfood. You SUP switch in giant, photogenic waves.

Laird Superfood includes the supplement Aquamin. Derived from ocean algaes, Aquamin contains calcium, magnesium, and assorted trace minerals. The health benefit claims of Aquamin depend on sciencey studies about calcium depletion and bone-density loss during exercise.

According to the manufacturer’s website, Aquamin provides uniquely deliverable calcium supplements that’ll make your bones stay strong even when training or growing old. No word on what it’ll do for your sex life. I know y’all are super disappointed.

When I ate the Superfood I did not immediately acquire the ability to fly or anything useful like that. Presumably it added calcium to my bones, but I felt nothing. Not even a tingle. This was slightly disappointing.

I mixed the Hydrate with bottled water in a 12-ounce container as the instructions demanded. Once mixed, it has a milky, white color. The flavor is nothing to write home about. Not terrible! Just not super exciting.

It needed something. I rummaged around the kitchen and found vodka of questionable vintage. I added the vodka to the Hydrate. Mmm, vodka. I added more. Even better. Then I was out of coconut water Superfood. More Vodka. What were we talking about again, I don’t know. Vodka, good. Next time, I skip straight to vodka. More vodka.

I approached the Instafuel with trepidation. Instant coffee. I once carried a French Press in my camera bag on a bike-packing trip in Oregon. This was a stupid decision, because packing out wet coffee grounds is stupid. But it does give you an idea of my feelings about instant coffee.

I again entered the kitchen to boil the required boiled water, which just about exhausts my kitchen repertoire. I added boiling water to the instant coffee and Superfood mixture. It dissolved! Magic! A thin layer tan bubbles, resembling crema, appeared on the surface. I know this game. I see you, Instafuel! I see you trying to fool me into thinking you are actually good coffee! You can’t fool me.

In graduate school, I did research at the French Foreign Ministry archives, which at the time were housed in the Foreign Ministry building. They took our passports and escorted us through the hallways. We were allowed at intervals to leave the reading room and down in a basement, there was a coffee machine. It dispensed espresso in tiny paper cups. I never figured out how to turn off the sugar, so I downed many tiny, heavily sugared espressos. It kept me awake long enough to read piles of diplomatic documents, but it was not a good coffee experience.

I recount this story, because the Laird Superfood Instafuel reminded me of the coffee dispensed from the machine in the Quai d’Orsay basement. There is a hint of coffee flavor and a creamy mouth feel. An intense coconut flavor, reminiscent of sunscreen, lingers on the palette. As I sipped, I tried to imagine Hawaii and wafting palm fronds and giant, photogenic waves. I failed.

If you like your coffee very sweet and you enjoy coconut-flavored things, Laird Superfood Instafuel is your dream morning libation. It is easy to make! And almost instant! But so is Starbucks Via, which more closely resembles coffee.

Mostly, I’m just sad I didn’t suddenly acquire Laird superpowers. Maybe it’s the wrong time of the month.


Opinion: “Sit down Schroff. I like Firewire!”

I like them like Conner Coffin likes lesbian haircuts!

I hereby declare my undying love and support for Firewire surfboards.

For me Firewire is not only desirable, it’s necessary.

To my knowledge, there are three brick-and-mortar surf shops in Scotland, the nearest being two hundred kilometres away. And when I say “surf shops”, it’s in the loosest sense of the term, in that they don’t actually stock surfboards. In due diligence I’ve just checked the websites of two of them (the third doesn’t have a website) and neither of them appear to have a single surfboard in stock.

Snowboards? Fine. Skate stuff? No bother.

Surfboards – nae chance.

There is, I believe, one surfboard shaper in the Edinburgh vicinity. He’s recently got a website, and I’ve seen a couple of his boards on the Boardporn Instagram page. They look nice, mostly like art deco pieces. Not, perhaps, my cup of tea.

So, friends, it is with this in mind that I ask you to consider my options?

Do I travel to another country to finger some boards and do the “arm test” (which might as well be milking a unicorn for all the sense it would make) or do I browse any of the excellent media and marketing spin from Firewire and select a board based on that?

The internet is my local shaper. I would love to stroll round a sunny corner for a chinwag with a salty old dog about foils and resin tints and other associated surfboard fuckery. But it’s not happening, not in my world.

EPS and epoxy? It floats a little better. Ideal for the extra weight of year round, sodden neoprene. Plus, I grew up windsurfing so I like the choppy chatter. It’s familiar and comforting, like an ex-girlfriend. You know how it works.

Built offshore? Who cares. Everything’s offshore when you live in Scotland. I don’t turn my nose up at bananas because they’re not locally or ethically sourced. It’s about efficiency. I’m not going to live on mutton and whisky.

Firewire give me data. Lots of data. Pretty, spinning 3D graphics of boards, apps, social media activity, clips, podcasts… They give me Rob Machado and Kelly Slater. Old guys who surf and look like young guys. And who has the money to spunk on Firewires? Other old guys who want to surf and look like young guys. I’m bombarded with reasons to buy one, or three or four.

At no point during surfing is the board wedged under your arm.Maybe you’re a veteran of shaping bays and surf shops and have been fortunate enough to caress many boards. Maybe you go through boards like Wade Carmichael through chicken nuggets. Maybe you genuinely can get a feel for how well a board will work. Lucky you. But some of us don’t have the luxury.

And you know what else?

You can damn and kook me to hell, but I bloody love volume! It’s the single most useful marker of a suitable board when purchasing online. I get the limitations, I get that volume never tells the whole story, but it gives me a ballpark in a world of pixelated, 2D potential new surfboards I might need to hide.

The qualifier in all of this is that so far I have only ever owned and surfed one Firewire model, and it’s technically a Slater Designs Omni, in a beefy 6’2” (42.8L) to match my height and float my thick neoprene and 92 kg carcass. I’m basically Zeke Lau, but pastier and pudgier.

And back to the “arm test”. What the fuck even is the arm test? It makes no sense.

At no point during surfing is the board wedged under your arm. Sure, sure, maybe you’re a veteran of shaping bays and surf shops and have been fortunate enough to caress many boards. Maybe you go through boards like Wade Carmichael through chicken nuggets. Maybe you genuinely can get a feel for how well a board will work. Lucky you. But some of us don’t have the luxury.

The arm test isn’t even pseudoscience.

You do the arm test, I do rotations of the 3D model on the Firewire website.

So sit down, Peter Schroff, with your racist memes and ironically immigrant surname. I like Firewire. I like them like Connor Coffin likes lesbian haircuts.

All that said, my next board is a Pyzel Ghost.

There’s a hole in the back garden ready for it.


Breaking: Jordy Smith surfs into trashcan!

A high concept shoot sure to thrill!

And without further ado…

Except real quick… Oh never mind. I forgot what I was going to write.


Rumor: Bells to feature overlapping heats!

What's not to love?

And the rumors keep flying, fast and furious, from Jan Juc, Australia. Home to the historically significant Bells Beach Classic presented in association with Rip Curl and the Pyongyang Labor Group*. Yesterday, it was revealed right here that the contest would likely run two days after the official first day. And while those extra two days may not mean much to you, just think of the family from Albion Park all packed into the Holden and ready to go. This insider knowledge means the difference between a pleasant time and jail time (for stealing street signs due boredom).

Well buckle up because I’ve got more. A new, very top secret source. The World Surf League may be planning to run the overlapping heat structure during rounds 2 and 3. The source tells me that water safety at the event usually runs three skis and has one as a backup. Apparently they are scrambling for four more skis right this minute.

Are you local? Do you have one? Now’s the time to fleece!

And it certainly does seem like this 2018 season is experimental, doesn’t it? No Hawaii. Two tank events. Overlapping heats at Bells. Etc.

I am actually a big fan of the overlapping heat structure and don’t know why the WSL doesn’t run it for every event especially if/when there is swell. The more surfing the better is something I always say and overlapping heats gives us… more. I’m more curious to know if anyone doesn’t like it? And if so why not? The shortening of an event is good. More surfing is good. Getting though Michel Bourez vs. Michael Rodrigues without really having to watch Michel Bourz vs. Michael Rodrigues is good.

So what’s bad?

*The Pyongyang Labor Group offers cost-effective solutions in an interconnected world. The North Korean slaves are hand-picked for their efficiency and skill with malnourished fingers the perfect size to guide drawstrings though boardshorts. Rip Curl approved!


Kelly Slater Mark Price
While I may not subscribe to Peter Schroff's beliefs, I am partial to a little Photoshop humour. Here, Kelly Slater, owner of Firewire, with Mark Price, company CEO, in his arms.

Relentless: Schroff’s War on Mark Price!

Noted anti-Asian surfboards warrior goes after Firewire CEO Mark Price… 

Some years ago now, I wrote a long-form story on the former world champion surfer Martin Potter. In the course of researching the story, which took six months, I spoke to the South African pro surfer turned Gotcha’s VP of marketing, Mark Price, who is now the CEO of Firewire surfboards.

Price spoke kindly of Martin despite accusations that he was “jealous” of Martin’s success. 

“There are a lot of pro surfers out there that kids wanna surf like. But there are very few pro surfers that kids want to be like. And, if you’ve got one of those guys, they’re worth their weight in gold. And that’s the fact of the matter. Pottz was worth his weight in gold,” said Mark.

I liked him. A calm, rational sorta cat. Always quick to return calls. Open. Honest enough.

A few days ago, in response to an Instagram campaign by the eighties shaper Peter Schroff against Firewire’s offshore manufacturing, and Price personally, I called again.

How did he feel about posts like this?

A post shared by Peter Schroff (@peterschroff) on

And this?

A post shared by Peter Schroff (@peterschroff) on

This?

anudder one from one our biggest contributors

A post shared by Peter Schroff (@peterschroff) on

Of course, I’d lost Mark’s telephone number long ago.

But then Schroff posted Mark’s email address and his personal telephone number.

Hello!

When Mark called me back, as he’s quick to do, he said he wasn’t interested in becoming embroiled in a blood feud, which I naturally would’ve preferred, but sent me the link to an interview he’d recently done with The Business of Surf’s Brad Bricknell. 

It’s an interview heavy on the buttered gravy (Sample quote: “In the last 12 years though, Mark Price has led a surfboard revolution… pioneered the space and indelibly changed the landscape… and not just in business, but for the good of the environment too.“), ooowee, dripping chins hither and yon etc.

But it covers, and covers well, the most contentious of Schoff and whomever else’s charges.

BRAD: It’s commonly known that manufacturing and selling surfboards is a low margin game. Do you ever see that changing at any point in the future? There are really only 2 levers to pull – either cost or RRP?

MARK: In the time we have been in business, we’ve seen the RRP go up. However, I think this is part of a much larger conversation around the overall surfboard marketplace and business model, which is pretty broken.

I think that there are 2 main factors that are driving down retail margins for surfboards (and wholesale margins), basically margins across the entire supply chain. One is probably the fact that it’s the only product category in the world where a very high percentage of surfboards (perhaps as high as 25%?) are sold outside of retail – factory direct, at prices that are below our wholesale prices. So that’s one challenge.

The other one is that it’s probably the only sporting good product in the world where there are 500-plus manufacturers of varying scale all competing for a piece of the pie. Therefore, you don’t get the economies of scale you usually get in other industries where the market leaders have a fairly large share of the total market.

On a related note, Firewire has copped a lot of flak over the years for building boards in Asia and this whole Asian sweatshop stereotype that’s out there. Two things on that:

Our factory is ISO9000 Certified, which is a quality control certification around factory processes and consistent outcomes, and within the next 12 months, we will be Fair Trade certified as well, which is a labor standard that no other surfboard factory, and not many other factories period, could meet.

Nor would they be willing to make the investments in qualitative labor practices in order to qualify for FT certification. Fortunately for us we already had the bulk of those benchmarks in place, so we were already almost there.

With that in mind, we are running the furthest thing from a sweatshop. But the bigger question is why did we go offshore? Some on Social Media like to claim that it’s because we’re greedy assholes who just want to get rich. (laughs). I’m sure you’ve heard the old joke, ‘How do you make a small fortune in the surfboard industry? Start with a large one!’

If you recall when we started in 2006, we set up factories in Burleigh Heads and San Diego and spent a small fortune to get those up and running.

But because of the complicated nature of our boards and the materials cost, we had to put them out there at a significantly higher price point than our competitors, and they didn’t sell.

And the reason for that is for decades, the domestic board builders have built disposable product. They have trained the consumer that your board is going to ride great, but after a year it’s probably worth next to nothing! Garage sale maybe, for a couple of hundred bucks. It’s yellow, time to get a new one and the deck looks like a golf ball. So, we were forced to drop our prices to the same level as the other premium PU board builders until consumers could appreciate what we were building which took time, and when we did that, the company took off like a rocket ship. However, our domestic manufacturing margins became so low that we could not support the business.

So rather than pillory us for going offshore I think they should look themselves in the mirror and acknowledge that they created a price to value equation in the consumer’s mind that was too low!

Over decades, they trained the consumer that that’s all a surfboard was worth. Because if you talk to board builders they will always tell you that surfboards are too cheap based on what it takes to build them. Which is true, but the consumer only cares about the value to them, they don’t care what it costs to make.

BRAD: And once you have precedence in the market, it’s difficult to change it….

MARK: Exactly. And what’s so ironic is now that we have entered the market and succeeded around technology, and we were forced to go offshore (and lost a small fortune) our competitors who are now trying to compete against us with technology are going offshore to manufacture as well, because they’ve hit the same wall that we did! And some of them are doing it in a bit of disingenuous manner – without fully disclosing the country of origin or acknowledging it in the subtlest way possible. Whereas we have laminated a decal on the rail since day one with that information.

I don’t mind getting sh*t for building our boards offshore because that is factually accurate, but I won’t accept the premise that we went there just to make a buck. We went offshore to stay in business!

We run a high-quality operation and we were forced offshore by the (broader) business model. And we’ve been instrumental in helping raise the price of surfboards at retail over the last 10 years as consumers realized that we offered increased durability without sacrificing performance (a higher price to value equation to come back to an earlier point), and that has benefitted all board builders.

BRAD: Part of your business model is also to hold a lot of stock – are there pros and cons to that strategy?

MARK: Yeah there are, but surfing is such a highly individualized activity, as you know. If you are a snowboard brand you could probably offer less than 20 SKU’s and cover a pretty high percentage of potential customers, whereas with surfing you wouldn’t even get out the gate! Remember when it comes to surfboards, the term SKU drills down to the individual model, length/dims and fin system. So, it’s a business necessity if you want to cater to a variety of surfing abilities, physical conditioning, and wave conditions.

On the plus side, unlike the apparel industry that is highly seasonal; a surfboard that didn’t sell in March, is still viable in July! I’ll take the trade-off of a lot of SKU’s relative to our revenue, but a fairly simple business model from a seasonal standpoint. That said, we have fairly sophisticated tools in place to rationalize every SKU so our inventory mix is kept tight.

BRAD: What does someone like the greatest surfer of all time bring to the business?

MARK: (Laughs) Nothing! (More laughs) Kelly’s involvement in the company was substantial for a number of reasons. Obviously, we were able to launch Slater Designs, his namesake brand, and if ever there was a product category that was perfectly aligned with an athlete, it would be surfboards and Kelly! So, it was a great entrée into the market for that brand and its had an impact already.

But I think of equal importance – when Kelly left a PU company and joined a company like Firewire that was exclusively EPS and epoxy, it caused a large segment of the surfing population to re-look at those materials.

When we first started we probably had the attention and interest of 20% of the market, maybe. With Kelly’s involvement, not only did we launch his brand, but now 75% plus percent of potential customers are now looking at the whole range of products we made.

The proof was that we initially thought that Slater Design’s would cannibalize some of the Tomo and Firewire business, but it didn’t. They all grew for that reason.

Etc.

Read the rest here. And do feel free to respond.