Jack Freestone too! Off the books, allegedly, for
2019!
Joel Parkinson is not the kind of guy who would
be at a place like this at this time in his career. But here he is,
allegedly, though he cannot say the terrain is entirely unfamiliar.
He is on the Gold Coast right now, participating in the World Surf
League’s 2018 kickoff and, by all accounts, surfing well. But a
rumor just floating past my ears as I picked up dry cleaning that
his relationship with Billabong will end in 2019. Stablemate Jack
Freestone’s too.
And he has certainly watched many of his friends leave, or be
left by, longtime sponsors. He watched Andy Irons’ younger brother
Bruce and Volcom part ways. He watched Kelly Slater and Quiksilver
go on without each other. And now, if the whisper is to be
believed, it is his turn. Still a young man, by some accounts, but
the product of a different generation.
He traveled in the course of his career from the meticulous to
the slime, witnessing the Association of Surfing Professionals
become the World Surf League along the way and winning one of their
world champion trophies in 2012.
But what now? What happens when an arguably young man reaches
the end?
Politics?
I’ve always thought Joel Parkinson had a bit of the statesman in
him or at least since the first time I spoke with him on Oahu’s
North Shore. His voice is uncharacteristically high though he can
be easily understood. Bogan is a language as natural as human
breath, I’ve come to find. It is a chipped tongue in which the
endings fill up the pauses, covering those gaps and gaucheries of
conversation that embarrass Americans and the British. It’s a
language whose inertia has remained on the plus side. It’s a
language in which the voice runs to all levels and Joel Parkinson’s
voice mostly runs very high.
I cannot remember what we spoke about but my memory has him as a
statesman. And if it is true that Billabong is indeed taking his
contract off the books for 2019 then I hope he runs for Coolangatta
city council. I think he would do well there. I think his star
would rise and he would someday be elected Prime Minister.
Come read Sophie Goldschmidt's vision for the surf
future!
I had the opportunity to meet Sophie
Goldschmidt, the World Surf League’s chief executive, at Surf Ranch
alongside the most important surf journalists of our day (minus
Steve Shearer, Matt Warshaw and David Lee Scales) at a small
Mexican restaurant on Lemoore’s main drag. I cannot properly recall
if she was drinking margaritas or not, nor if she ordered a
chimichanga, but I was happy for professional surfing that she was
there.
Her predecessor, Mr. Paul Speaker, did not possess the temerity
for face to face meetings. If I’m allowed to parse his brief run at
the top, I would say that he believed in surfing without surfers.
That he could take the core physical/competitive activity, burn off
the ugly cancers, repackage and sell it to the rest of the world.
Bigger than football. Bigger than life.
Unfortunately for him, surfing’s ugly cancers metastasized long
ago and cannot be cut away.
Ms. Goldschmidt seems to recognize this fact, see her meeting at
a small Mexican restaurant and read her words in a new, wide
ranging ESPN W
interview. It is well worth a read. My favorite bit
was when first told about professional surfing, her response was,
“Wow, this exists?”
I also enjoyed her take on the new Facebook partnership.
We feel for our long-term growth, we need to invest in
technology in our events, in the infrastructure that we’re building
out around our operations, in the Kelly Slater Wave Company, in our
marketing and communications resources. I wouldn’t say we’re niche,
but we’re not nearly as mainstream as we’d like to be. We’re really
in audience-growth mode. We were so excited to expand our Facebook
deal, which was pretty groundbreaking for us. One of the key
reasons we went with it is because it’s free. You don’t have to pay
to watch content on Facebook, and that’s really important to us.
Maybe some at some point down the road, we will have some kind of
subscription service for content, but I think, philosophically,
it’s always going to be important that a significant amount of our
content is available for free. It’s kind of the surfing ethos to a
certain extent.
Gross, unrealistic expectations certainly are the surfer’s
ethos. No wonder Paul Speaker tried to perform surgery.
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John got his head held underwater by the Australian
mullet on the opening exchange and ended up getting his arse well
and truly beat by the wildcard. | Photo: WSL
Round two was terribly dull. Goodbye John John.
Joel P gives a little dazzle.
Stumbling into Ross Williams on the path between
Greenmount and Snapper I intro’ed myself as Steve Shearer
writing for BeachGrit. He said, “Uh huh.”
Big man in the flesh, over six foot, Dad bod.
I asked him if I could chat to him about his coaching of John
John 2018.
He said he wasn’t doing any media and I said, “Uh huh.”
“Any changes to the formula,” I pressed.
He said, “Nah”.
The reticence I believe was due to the arctic camo and
syphilitic skin cancers up in his grill.
“What about boards, putting more volume in made a massive
difference last year, any changes this year?”
“He’s a big dude,”he said. “Still growing, so we need to keep
evolving the equipment.”
It was a low-energy exchange and it left me worried about
John.
There is a growing trend in him towards philosophicalism, a
character flaw I am well acquainted with. Anyone seeking self
knowledge via a surfing competition is prone to wandering in a
wilderness of delusion. That is called, in the school of Surf
Journalism I subscribe to, as The Kelly Error.
John did start low energy against Mikey Wright. He got
his head held underwater in the opening exchanges by the Australian
mullet and ended up getting his arse well and truly beat by the
wildcard.
Gabby played rope-a-dope against Leo slipping away from expected
confrontation and laying hammer blows on smaller waves, drawing the
pity of Ronnie Blakey who called the wave Gabby surfed a “poor
thing.”
The bigger showcase was the judging signal laid down by new Head
Judge Pritamo Ahrendt. It was a major and much needed correction of
Porta Era over-scoring. Leo threw a technically perfect tail high
throw and got a 3.77. It would have got a high six under
Porta. In the rush to establish the scale Medina was probably
underscored, especially in the context of a day of mostly mediocre
round two surfing.
Wilko choked against new rookie Michael February. For perfect
two-to-three-foot rippable point surf it seemed incredibly easy to
get lost out there. I’ve long thought incumbency is as much of a
hindrance as a help at Snapper and Wilko proved my point.
I needed some expert advice to find out why and sought the
counsel of Irish Super Strategist and Coach of the most lethal team
in pro surfing history, Glen Micro Hall.
Once again I intro’ed myself and we shook hands. Little man,
clean cut, ripped. Shaved down if I’m not mistaken.
“Glen”, I said “Why are Wilko and other top seeds finding this
lineup so hard to read? There are good waves everywhere out
there.”
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Any theories?”
“Nah, not really.”
Is that not core business?
Do coaches not collect their ten percent to figure this shit
out? Or am I reading this wrong?
There was no question of rookies over-respecting incumbents and
the day was looking tedious until Parko took the water behind the
rock against Pat Gudauskas. In the last two days I have seen
hundreds of waves spit their guts out after barrelling from behind
the rock. And not one pro surfer has paddled over and caught
one.
Parko threaded one, then two, then three. Putting the big
swinging top turn carve on the end for emphasis. The only waves
ridden in two full days of mens competition that reached into the
eight-plus excellent range.
Objectively analysing the crowd using scientific transects and
language detection I estimated the official language of QuikPro as
Portugese. Lots of gals, lots of brown guys. Not White Australia at
all. A gal in front of me and Jazzy P swooned and dropped to the
floor in the Corona Pavilion. Two babes in front swivelled bottoms
slowly from side to side like honeybees at the hive. The air was
thick with the chemical smell of sunscreen and human
pheromones.
A cadet surf journalist interned to me by Derek Hynd asked me if
I had any advice and I said, “The best way to avoid a hangover is
not to drink but the best way to deal with a hangover is to have
another one.”
“Jazzy P, have you got your hands on the BG purse strings, I
need another Corona.”
M Rod was the only other pale sun to shine on a dull day when
anticipation of much greater things to come infused the day with a
sour, Soviet mood emanating from judges, surfers, fans, coaches and
surf journalists alike.
Round two. We should all write a letter to the Commissioner and
ask them to drop-kick it off a cliff.
What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Cyclone 13P named by the Joint Typhoon Warning Centre in
Honolulu is bearing down on the QLD coast and on track to deliver a
finals finish at Kirra if WSL can play their cards right. If,
comrades, they had run overlapping heats today they could’ve been
in a go position to pick the eyes out of what may be a small window
of cyclonic opportunity and enlivened an otherwise dull day.
Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Mikey Wright (AUS) 15.10 def. John John Florence (HAW)
10.76
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.00 def. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
7.90
Heat 3: Michael February (ZAF) 11.03 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
8.97
Heat 4: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 11.40 def. Ian Gouveia (BRA)
10.07
Heat 5: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 17.03 def. Patrick Gudauskas (USA)
9.67
Heat 6: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 14.67 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
10.80
Heat 7: Frederico Morais (PRT) 12.16 def. Ezekiel Lau (HAW)
9.90
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 10.60 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 8.86
Heat 9: Willian Cardoso (BRA) 12.90 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
10.83
Heat 10: Conner Coffin (USA) 12.20 def. Yago Dora (BRA) 10.60
Heat 11: Tomas Hermes (BRA) 14.93 def. Joan Duru (FRA) 12.17
Heat 12: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.74 def. Jesse Mendes (BRA)
11.13
Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 3 Matchups:
Heat 1: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA)
Heat 2: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Conner Coffin (USA)
Heat 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Tomas Hermes (BRA)
Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
Heat 5: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 6: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Mikey Wright (AUS)
Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Michael February (ZAF)
Heat 8: Frederico Morais (PRT) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Griffin Colapinto (USA)
Heat 10: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
Heat 11: Connor O’Leary (AUS) vs. Michel Bourez (PYF)
Heat 12: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
Roxy Pro Gold Coast Semifinal Matchups:
Heat 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Malia Manuel (HAW)
Heat 2: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Keely Andrew (AUS)
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Ten gees and you're in the pool for an hour (four, five
waves), with land and water video-stills angles!
Tickets for Founders Cup released including
ultra-VIP, ride-the-pool package…
A few minutes ago, the WSL released tickets for its
Founders Cup team event at the Surf Ranch on the weekend
of May 5 and 6.
A hundred and five bucks will get you through the big cedar
doors for one day ($86.20 for kids under ten), $157.27 for the
weekend ($127.40 for kids) and a VIP all-weekend ticket is $517.77.
The VIP ticket grants its holder “VIP seating” for both days,
access to a lounge, food and booze and a parking pass.
Oh but that ain’t it.
The ticket you’ll be dressing up in your tightest leather
mini-skirt, sequinned silver halter and precarious heels and
throwing fat wads of cash at is The Surf Ranch
Experience™. It costs $9500 (plus the $288 booking fee) and
“after an entire weekend of watching perfect waves, you’ll get your
chance to join the very short list of people who have surfed
Kelly’s creation. The Surf Ranch Experience™ provides a
one-hour surf session in the pool on Monday, May 7. You’ll feel
like the pro’s you just spent a weekend watching, with a
personalised locker, coaching and professional photography and
videography from both land and water. The experience includes full
VIP treatment through the event complete with VIP seating, lounge
access, free food and beverage, premium gift bag, parking pass, and
Tachi Palace hotel room for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. In
addition, you’ll get an exclusive invite to the pre-event party and
dinner on Friday, and the invite-only concert afterparty on
Saturday. Get ready for the experience of a lifetime. Questions
about this package? [email protected].”
I hardly have to ask.
But, are you in?
Oh, and the teams, if you’re wondering:
AUSTRALIA TEAM:
Captain: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS)
Mick Fanning (AUS)
Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
Julian Wilson (AUS)
Tyler Wright (AUS)
BRAZIL TEAM:
Captain: Gabriel Medina (BRA)
Adriano de Souza (BRA)
Filipe Toledo (BRA)
Silvana Lima (BRA)
Taina Hinckel (BRA)
EUROPE TEAM:
Captain: Johanne Defay (FRA)
Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Frederico Morais (PRT)
Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Frankie Harrer (DEU)
USA TEAM:
Captain: Kelly Slater (USA)
John John Florence (USA)
Kolohe Andino (USA)
Carissa Moore (USA)
Courtney Conlogue (USA)
WORLD TEAM:
Captain: Jordy Smith (ZAF)
Michel Bourez (PYF)
Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)
Paige Hareb (NZL)
Bianca Buitendag (ZAF)
We have spent some time here discussing
surfing’s metaphysical benefits and believe our conclusions are
mostly agnostic. Right? Like, surfing can make you happy but it can
also make you angry. That whatever mystical communion happens on
the water is mostly a reflection of the micro-dosed LSD and not
coming from surfing itself. Right?
Well, the United States Navy thinks otherwise. Or possibly
thinks otherwise. For The Washington Post reported over
the weekend:
In song and prose, surfing has long been celebrated as a way
to soothe the mind and invigorate the body. But scientific evidence
has been limited. Now the Navy has embarked on a $1 million
research project to determine whether surfing has therapeutic
value, especially for military personnel with post-traumatic stress
disorder, depression or sleep problems. Researchers say surfing
offers great promise as therapy. It is a challenging exercise in an
outdoor environment; people surf individually or in groups;
military surfers who are reluctant to attend traditional group
therapy open up about their common experiences when talking to
other surfers on the beach.
Hmmmmm. All fine and good, of course, but what if a Navy man
paddles out with his post-traumatic stress disorder at, say,
crowded Lowers and gets dropped in on, yelled at, burned, yelled at
some more? I would imagine surfing would not be helpful here but I
suppose that is what the million dollars will pinpoint.
Which lineup on earth do you think is most PTSD inducing?
