Australia is wonderful but too much of a good thing is still too much!
I don’t know what my problem is but the 2018 edition of the World Surf League Championship Tour is leaving me very very cold. I don’t know if it is because shoulder surgery has kept me out of the water for two months (and counting) or if it is because Pipeline has been sacrificed or if it is because I want my Kelly Slater but I am going to blame Australia.
I love that big ‘ol racist continent more than any place on earth but come on for pity’s sake. Three events? In a row? We start at Snapper all bright eye’d and excited. The unimpeded by ozone sun shines its ample light on pre-cancerous boys and girls. Julian Wilson exemplifies. Then we drag down to Bells where grey the grey of a child molester’s over-washed undershirt colors the sky, the water, the people’s faces as they empty their pockets to watch a hunchback generate speed. Mick Fanning exemplifies. Then we drag across the entire Simpson Desert to a wine town called Margaret River. It is beautiful n stuff and as wild as a Coffey Sister but come on. I suppose Jack Robinson exemplifies but three events? In a row?
So I’m cold. I’m bored. The only things putting a pep in my step are Longtom’s contest wraps. I don’t know how he does it, to be honest, and someday a first edition The Collected Works of Longtom 2017-2020 will be sold at auction for $12,000.
The same will not be true for this podcast here but it is, anyhow, worth a listen. The same will not be true for this podcast here but it is, anyhow, worth a listen. David Lee Scales and I chat about sex tapes, mostly, with a little bit of Italo Ferriera thrown in for good measure.
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Think of it as 3 holes…. Out of the first hole comes the piss. Second hole, the shit. The third hole is the vomit after using your Mick Fanning’s Reef Sandals bottle opener after stepping in the shit.
How’s things mate? You been in mex?
Haha na I’ll have to listen. Doubt they’re coming in the mail though.
What’s this about mate?
Considering they are trying to save money it make absolute sense to have 2 months in Australia. Imagine going down there for each individual comp. would cost a fortune! I agree they aren’t the most appealing locations.
It would be better if they made it 3 regions in Aus in March/April and just picked the swells and chased each swell. Cut the amount of competitors down so they can do the men’s event in 2 days.
I watch each event regardless, it’s the competion i enjoy, better waves make it much more entertaining I agree.
But quit fucking nagging about it and give us your idea about how you would like the tour to look?
Have a look in your own backyard! The mainland US has a population of 325 million and you have one comp in a fucking pool.
and no tourism department sponsoring our events. you have 3 because your government thinks we’re going to book a flight after you show us wineries and koalas for the wives and girlfriends.
Margs is the only government/tourism sponsored event that I’m aware of.
Both Bells and Snapper are heavily supported by their regional tourism authorities.
NC. If you could choose the best three surf breaks for three Aussie comps on the east coast, Victorian coast and west coast, which three would you choose? Thanks
I reckon they’re in OK places right now. Just leave ’em there. Everyone’s used to them and nobody else’s surf spot is being unduly distorted.
There there… poor Chas. Time difference is a hard thing to deal with. You are right, get more events back in US of A! Such quality waves.
Where you wearing your ‘Make America Great Again’ hat when you were writing this?
Sorry average Surfer gotta delete, circling lawyers in stuff…
lmao – at least they know where to email
“Those scum bags at BG are at it again”
Take it as a compliment
Scales thinks its a good thing that the fanbase hates turning this into jock shit. i’d stuff him so fast if i ever see him in the water in HB. i don’t think he actually surfs though.
that story is a little suspect. if i could find 3 dermatologists who’d let me keep a cancerous mole i pointed out specifically i’d have 3 times as much money as i’d need to retire from the malpractice suits. there is zero upside to letting you leave the office with that thing intact. advertorial?
You’re not the only ones!
but with utes
I’ve been bored too. Even tried to gain interest with multiple substances while watching. Didn’t work. I think we need a physical fight to break out amongst the pros. God they are so nice to each other it’s excruciating.
Maybe it’s time to start boogie board riding. I think I might be slightly less embarrassed than to surf.
We would all prefer to have a fuckwit free start to the year , so by all means, stay home and suck darts .
You shitfull excuse for a journalist.
Someone wants a free pair of sunglasses
Fucken oath . It’s not all Grey down here .
Fuck i hope they get slabs at the Box for Margs, cause this Aussie leg needs em. Appart from Mick narrative, Its been 10 types of bland.
Worse case, Margs crumbly 4ft and ADS victory.
Sophie, grab that 30mil Faceache cash and run before they pull out!
Buy Daleys Nirvana lodge for 5mil, invite 10 of the best guys including wildcards like Dane, Clay Bobby etc. Offer 300k 1st prize.
Live stream 3 comps at 3 different waves.
Reckon 3 comps may cost 1mil to run/broadcast. So youve got approx 24mil left. Get a 8% return on that, 1.9mil/year.
Comp pays for itself each year and you make money on streaming comp.
Fuk, Nik don’t give em ideas, mate.
Be cheaper than building wave tanks – and they could lock down breaks all over the world. No dirty fucks cluttering up their lineups during freesurfs. It’ll be all bright n shiny n squeaky clean.
I know Astro my bad.
BUT why havent they looked at it.
10 Daley/Nirvana resorts for 5mil each vs 1 wave pool for 50mil!!
Each resort at a different type wave, all contest setup already there each year so no logistics and costs, they also can make revenue of the places when no comp and pick best swell window for each.
Best surfers, best waves. Simple.
Maybe Redbull is reading this….
I can see the drone shots now of each resort with huge redbull logo on roof.
Kelly retires, Jjf quits tour, Mick, Dane, Clay etc..Redbull grab them all and bam, new tour.
Super league war in 1996/7 Australia says it can happen.
Hell, maybe someone will, who knows.
I’d just like to see the surfers regain more control over the whole thing again.
Fuck, you know something stinks when some corp wank start saying shit like, “Our surfers wank, wank, wank”. And “WSL, crowning champions for 50 years (or whatever) Like theyve been there forever and own the whole surfing thing. Total bs, mate
I wonder how much our beloved commentators have to suck up all the corpspeak and spew it out. Must be hard at times. But I guess ego and the pay check gets them through.
The contest I enjoy watching the most ? Da Shootout
According to Chas, the commentators have to suck it up as much as skulling an old shoey.
Yea – they are the voice of the WSL.
And as much as we give em shit they don’t do a bad job.
Talking crap for 8 hours over 3-5 days is fukkn hard
Cunt of a position to be in really.
When they put Rosie out in the line-up at Bells, was that the first time they have done that? I can’t remember anyone else but Strider and Mel doing that.
Can’t rember about Bells specifically but Rosie’s out there all the time with the girls at other venues. Dunno – maybe they draw straws 🙂
Think she was out at Snapper in a couple of the men’s heats, as well.
She must have been put in the naughty corner.
At least they’ve been getting competitors in the booth a bit more this year.
you can’t turn Nirvana on during primetime. the Silicon Valley set that bought up all the tickets at the Ranch have NetJets subscriptions. you know what it costs to cancel one of those flights?
Not only that they get the revenue stream renting the place out for the rest of the year. Maybe it will end up like PGA tour. You will have ex pro’s designer waves sprinkled around the world.
sounds good, but wouldn’t they all be similar ish reef breaks?
Forecast is looking good for Margs, could be North Point or the Box.
Brazil got a new passion coach.
Your kidding aren’t you Chase ? What’s even more boring than less events ? No events !
Fewer events.
I spose they have the 3 Australian events to cut travel cost a little bit because they could potentially drive equipment location to location etc. I dunno. Cut all 3 I reckon. Give Scotland an event so I can laugh at Dago Dora wearing his booties again. I was wearing boardies two weeks ago you soft cock Brazzo. Can everybody please call their families, friends and colleagues and ask them to watch Margies this year? If this tour thing fucken dies and comes to hell I’ll have to kill myself.
They could rationalise the costs even further.
Have all 3 at Bells.
Anyone else notice the satisfied look on that roo ?
Look at its ears. How they’re turned. The right ear is waiting for the first good reason to throw that left hook coiled to strike.
They probably tossed the roo a lude too.
Think ol Gabby might have slipped the roo something else as well.
Damn hot blooded brazzos.
Thought there were laws against that sort of thing.
Gabs heard there was just one handler. Gabs dropped in on that handler’s roo…i mean that wave too.
Tail lifting is not a crime.
Fukkn sure chokking a roo with uma salsicha gordinha would be tho.
Well, maybe not out WA but anywhere else you’d have to answer a few questions
America won’t cough up any cash for pro surfing so we have to. Our local and state governments still think that people in Tenterfield, Mildura and Koolyanobbing love watching grown men and women bobbing up and down in the ocean for extended periods of time. America couldn’t give a fuck. Unless it’s in a private pool.
Australia has such great place names.
Darawank.
Near Ton-o-fun Park.
Real place, I shit you not.
Beermullah. Two national past times combined into one beautiful word.
Koolyanobbing sounds like something an old man barks at you when he walks up on you and a gal having a tryst on the beach.
Ha!
I don’t have any friends. That’s why I’m on here.
Doesn’t help having commenters like helen tinn (below) reminding us. I wasn’t feeling lonely till those chicks started showing up here.
I’m thinking Helen might be The One.
The one surferpreneur monetizing surfers’ loneliness.
Enjoy your new shades fuckhead
WTF! I’m listening to an audio about W’s P S.
I almost banged one of wards ex wives? That’s a scandal.
Whoreshoes and handgrenades
More of a scandal if they were still married to our punchy friend.
HE WAS MARRIED MORE THAN ONCE?