Try this simple questionnaire to see if you qualify!
One of the great challenges facing a man as he throws himself into serious work, marriage, family etc, is retaining his sense of self and at least a semblance of his masculinity.
No more getting lit four out of every seven nights. No more young people with yellow hair and big brown eyes doing young lovely things to you. Or your spirit soaring in that moment of oblivion at a music festival etc.
The benefits are many, of course: love, family, security.
But does getting married, and getting serious about work, turn you into a “surf bitch”?
Answer these questions to see if you qualify!
- Does the idea of buying a new surfboard fill you with as much fear as it does excitement? Do you wonder, How will I tell wife? Where can I hide board until I find the courage within to reveal? How long will it be before I can pass board off as secondhand? Surf Bitch.
- Do wet car seats and does sand on the floor cause a frisson of tension in your marriage? Do you, therefore, force pals to de-suit and sit on folded towels and hose feet off before being allowed entry into your Volvo SUV? Surf Bitch.
- Do you drive a Volvo SUV? Surf Bitch.
- Has your enforced layoff from every day surfing driven you into the arms of surf consumerism? Do you wonder, seriously, about the different characteristics of fins? Do you sit in your cubicle and wonder if your board is the correct literage? Do you believe every new surfboard model is a quantum leap forward in design and not just a way of retaining consumer interest? Surf Bitch.
- Are you so afraid of your nudity that you own a surf poncho? Surf Bitch.
- Have your yearly surf trips changed from Hawaii or the Ments to the Maldives or Sri Lanka because your partner “wants to learn to surf?” Surf Bitch.
- Do you regularly miss epic dawn patrols because your partner wants you to watch the kids while he, she sleeps in? Surf Bitch.
- Have you ever sat in a beachfront cafe with partner eating eggs and discussing house prices while reef-foiled tubes spin off in front of you, driving you to new lows of self-disgust? Surf Bitch!
Well, are you?
Total soy boy surf bitch here! Wait wtf I am that programmed that I agree? *sigh
And you must subtly lick lips.
If having a micro-penis, using a changing mat, surfing in Cardiff, and going to Nicaragua every year makes me a surf bitch then so be it. I welcome the term. My gay cousin calls all his buddies “bitch” all the time and they seem to dig it. My name is Ben and I am a surfing bitch.
Great, you did it to me again, I was only 2 out of the 8 questions (still bitch material) and they you wrote this. Other than the gay cousin part, I thought I may have written this in my sleep. Although my changing mat is simply an old piece of painters drop cloth canvas.
I am starting to think we’re related or something. Strange indeed. Are you sure you don’t have an alt-lifestyle cousin? Seems most folks do these days….
I never mentioned cock size. That can’t be helped.
Alright, I’m in the barely surf bitch realm. First time I can claim to be ‘masculine’ in relation to surf culture.
For the record, I thought this survey was going to cause soy-related consequences for my ego.
Well shit… thank god for BG, I had no idea surf ponchos were bad. I miss epic dawn patrols now just cuz I’m a bitch overall.
Sorry about the long comment, but none of the above apply to me with the exception of 5. I will use a towel if there are kids around, otherwise I don’t really care – I just change behind the car door mostly.
Took my girlfriend to PR for a week during Spring Break back in college. We had been together about a year at that point. First few days no surf, but then a fun swell filled in. Surfed a bunch during the AM’s when winds were good. Sitting at Maria’s sipping on a coldie last day of trip watching – winds were all over the surf, so starting throwing a couple down (I almost never mix surf/alcohol). All of a sudden the wind went straight offshore. It cleaned up very quickly, chest-head high, super clean, backlit waves. Just so rippable. She says – ‘You better paddle out, it’s the last day here’. I knew then she was a keeper. 13 years and 3 kids later, we live a stone’s throw from the edge of the water. I can be on a plane in the AM and surfing in the PM anywhere in CenAM or the Caribbean islands.
For over 32 years, surfing and the ocean are closer to me than the vein in my neck. I am always either on or in the water surfing or fishing. If you don’t find someone that can either align with that or understand that, it will never work, and you will forever be a ‘Surf Bitch’. Sure, I have had many relationships suffer and pushed away people that were close to me for my selfish search of surf, but that’s just who I am and who I will be until the day I go toes up.
Nope! Except for a slight fascination for fins
#4 I hate my surfboard. I dream of it shrinking.
to be fair, i do most of these things because I WANT TO. not because of some woman.
i don’t hide boards.
i like my car fucking clean,you go be a slob.
i fucking LOVE my Volvo SUV and it gets me into the arms of many a gorgeous swede – what’s not to love?
i consume because, you know, cause capitalism rulz. MAGA.
i wear a poncho precisely because i love nudity e..g fondling my own as you change without one.
who doesn’t like sri lanka and the maldives! sheesh. when your front porch is over an oceanic aquarium as you sip on the umpteenth bloody mary by 8am, or you can ride elephants to the surf.
i LOVE eggs!! So i eat them and discuss real estate in the surf – so, it is a paradox.
Agreed, but the comments are inane.
First time to the grit?
Inane or asinine? Or insipid? Which do you prefer? All apply, sadly.
A bitch no doubt……. a surf bitch ,?… yeah, that too. But it’s cheaper than divorce….
Yeah I got #7 real bad.
Haha….. we all land somewhere on this wheel brah…….
I just offer up a bunch of VG donuts after the session for the family and we are all good…
https://www.vgbakery.com/
Don’t let the longs lines deter you…. Just do it.
3 out of 8, oh no I’m a bitch
I think four out of eight makes you a surf bitch. Three, you’re just plain ol pathetic.
My name is Channelbottom and I am a Surfbitch.
Most of that doesn’t apply but 7 & 8 for sure.
I’ve felt truthfully suicidal recently over my general state of affairs, including a goodly percentage of a lack of surfing.
Seven and eight are the most insidious of all!
Tell me about it.
How do people who not surf cope with all this mess? I also get suicidal thoughts when I haven’t surfed for a few weeks or so. Consider it normal.
I keep pretending all my boards are just old – sprung recently a little, as trying to offload 5. That’s without the other 7 plus 10 skaters and 5 snowboards!!!
Paid to surf – am “working from home now!!”
Am selfish though, and plan everything around the forecasts of waves. Somehow do make it work with the 3 kids and maybe the best that they not interested in surfing?
Read BG on the daily? SURF BITCH
Or, believe everything you read at BeachGrit. Surf Bitch!
I qualify for basically all of these except for the poncho those are ridiculous … please send volvo
SurfBitch has a better ring to it than BeachGrit…. rebrand? https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Three gees! Christ!
Save the 3 G’s – surfbiotch.com is available…
Oh ha ha the ponchos! The ponchos on grown-up ass men make me laugh so hard.
I’m seriously against even using a towel however I’ve noticed most women use towels, hoodies or even ponchos to conceal their goods. What’s up with that? In this world of gender equality surely I’m entitled to see some tits?
I use a towel but if you wait long enough there’s definitely a chance I’ll drop it becuase I am bad at the things. Or good. Depending on your perspective.
Thank you, noted.
How inconspicuous does this “waiting” have to be?
Oh godddd. The worst is summer and the tourists seem kinda confused by the whole yes, I’m getting naked under this towel and they like, stare and stare. So uh, don’t do that.
Once a few summers ago two Riverside bros got into a fight right fucking next to me as I was putting my wetsuit on, barely covered by a towel. The crowd gathered, I continued, deftly hopping out of the way when they stumbled too close. The Riverside posse certainly got an eyeful that day.
that is hella chill, though. just doing your thing while they go all riverside next to you.
I didn’t really have a choice in the matter!
So I guess you are saying there is a new wave pool in the 909?
Ya got me, Gar.
Do you think men should be so terrified of their nudity they must mask the horror in terry-towelling gown? Or are they just scared of prosecution? In my mind’s eye I always see the “concerned mother” at the station giving a statement, “A man revealed himself to children and appeared to masturbate wildly for between ten and twenty seconds.”
I feel like a jaunty towel covering the dangly bits is a nice gesture! Like, polite and all. Because there is the possibility of concerned citizens and small children. But terrified? Nah, no need. Bodies, we all got ’em.
Yeah, sometimes, I’ll do a towel for the sake of being a good citizen, but mostly hide behind opened doors, front and rear, to create a sort of beachfront change room.
The car door changing room is a legit tactic for reals. I have used it often and inappropriately!
Everything’s inappropriate! Even the word retard, i just learned.
Taking off my pants in a public parking lot just off Abbott-Kinney felt very inappropriate! But I did it anyway.
I just looked that up – “Venice-adjacent” and a bit inland? You should feel creepy.
So Venice-adjacent as to be actually in Venice. Idk sometimes a girl needs different clothes.
Hope you didn’t catch a cold because the internet described it “ As the coolest block in America . “ ?
Really? Ugh. I’m not a huge Venice fan, honestly.
Jen , wake up , it was a play on the double meaning of coolest .
Oh, I meant that thing about it being the coolest block, dude. Because Idk, that’s a weird idea of cool.
The dude abides
That’s retarded that retard is now inappropriate. Please keep using retard. enough with this political correct snowflake shit.
Prosecution definitely! In France I was always naked and never got changed behind a towel but on trips back home to OZ had to flick the cultural switch and remember not to kiss friends hello ( both men and women once a day on both cheeks ) and always hide the antipodal unseeable.
Very hard transition for this Scando. Fark, Anglos are so scared of nudity.
It’s crazy , either you have a penis or a vagina or both or none or something in between . How can it be so scary in comparison to other less aesthetically pleasing body parts . If only Eve had swallowed the snake and left that apple to rot in the garden of Eden !
*sniff* mine came free… and its so cozy :S
okay, okay, i won’t laugh at you! at least, not out loud. inside laughing only!
…and on a tall guy you still get that flash of peeking sack. Worse than the whole meat and two veg.
(snort-laughs)
The ponchos do make sense in really cold, windy places, but carpark nudity is to be celebrated.
you never surfed in the snow before, have you? i need tweezers to seek out the little fella to have a wee before i surf at such times (without poncho)
ha ha noooooooo. i feel like the rules would be totally different when snow enters the picture!
9. Do you regularly lie to everyone and anyone to sneak in a leisurely session when you’re “at work,” undeterred by your board(s) cooking in vehicle-amplified mid-day sunshine or your chick’s curiosity whether you’re cheating or choosing the office over her and the kids? SURF BITCH ON THE PROWL.
Shit dude I really thought this was the only thing keeping me from being a surf bitch
Lying, deception, mistruth, falsehood, and a silenced cell phone go a long way for keeping me 1. surfing and 2. married.
How many incognito sessions a week can you amass before the wheels start to fall off?
I suppose your out is “which would you prefer I secretly indulge in; other women, mad booze & drugs, heavy gambling… or surfing?”
Thankfully her brother is/was a horrible womanizer (kids with prostitutes! real ones!) and my family is full of nutso non-functional alcoholics, so I’m pretty much getting a free pass forever on surfing.
Wife closes eyes and thinks.
…of cock.
But not yours.
Sigh… I can’t remember the last time etc.
If you’re suffering from lack of sex, try…Divorce! It ain’t cheap but oowee.
How many accidentally-shared-across-family–member devices iMessages have destroyed happy, if slightly deceptive, marriages?
Modern man must know his mobile device as well as ancient man knew his horse, as familiar with its functions as the very members of his own clan. T’is a matter of utmost importance for well-being and security!
When’s the settlement? Can we expect a book to follow? I wait with bated breath, as the “Bob Hawke” was a good read..
BAHAHAHAHA yes
This is the best thing about front grip: no need to melt all your wax off while your board bakes in the car, getting too hot even to apply new wax to the deck.
What’s my air completion percentage gotta be to justify front grip? Asking for a friend.
Ideally? 50% to 80%
Realistically? 0% to 5%
Don’t let the bastards grind you down, though.
80% ahahahahaha. Wise man once said that if you’re not falling, you’re not progressing. I’m in a decades-long progression stage.
I just do frontside grabs off sections, shout “Noa Deane!” And tumble into the whitewash.
Progression!
You need to go first DR, open up the batting, so to speak.
I hid one board: an orange bonzer shaped by Malcolm Campbell that I paid full retail for.
The fam was in England, which made the crime even more cowardly.
Fin bitch: madly, deeply absolutely.
My girlfriend pretty much forgot about me as soon as we had my daughter. It’s been great. I just sit in my shed smoking bongs and learning Spanish on Duolingo in between marathon wank sessions. I told her I was putting chimes on the back door to give the place a nicer feel but it’s really just so I can hear if she’s about to bust me out in the shed. She only just found the mini ramp I built 6 months ago. Separation is fantastic!
I can send you a nice dream catcher from Byron Markets….
Does it catch nightmare Greek in-laws?
How big’s the mini? Early grabs and inverts only to keep her from hearing the pop or the grind, I’d imagine.
It’s only 4ft. Yeah the bloke at the skate shop thought I was fucked in the head when I asked if he had any 75a wheels.
Never had to. Working in the biz meant I could create the illusion of free boards. And I was blessed with a wife, now ex, who found my presence so displeasing she couldn’t conceal her joy at me disappearing for four weeks to the Ments, Mexico etc.
hahahaha……OK, that was then.
This is now.
Not a trace of surf bitch>?
No one to bring me down, man. I live alone, empty but for memories.
No surf ponchon hiding in the closet?
A Campbell Bros bonzer is an investment.
Agree! Love the bonzer
Mr. Shearer, please do a review of that Bonzer.