surf bitch
Have you sunk to new levels of self-disgust? Surf Bitch!

Quiz: Are you a “surf bitch”?

Try this simple questionnaire to see if you qualify!

One of the great challenges facing a man as he throws himself into serious work, marriage, family etc, is retaining his sense of self and at least a semblance of his masculinity.

No more getting lit four out of every seven nights. No more young people with yellow hair and big brown eyes doing young lovely things to you. Or your spirit soaring in that moment of oblivion at a music festival etc.

The benefits are many, of course: love, family, security.

But does getting married, and getting serious about work, turn you into a “surf bitch”?

Answer these questions to see if you qualify!

  1. Does the idea of buying a new surfboard fill you with as much fear as it does excitement? Do you wonder, How will I tell wife? Where can I hide board until I find the courage within to reveal? How long will it be before I can pass board off as secondhand? Surf Bitch.
  2. Do wet car seats and does sand on the floor cause a frisson of tension in your marriage? Do you, therefore, force pals to de-suit and sit on folded towels and hose feet off before being allowed entry into your Volvo SUV? Surf Bitch.
  3. Do you drive a Volvo SUV? Surf Bitch.
  4. Has your enforced layoff from every day surfing driven you into the arms of surf consumerism? Do you wonder, seriously, about the different characteristics of fins? Do you sit in your cubicle and wonder if your board is the correct literage? Do you believe every new surfboard model is a quantum leap forward in design and not just a way of retaining consumer interest? Surf Bitch.
  5. Are you so afraid of your nudity that you own a surf poncho? Surf Bitch.
  6. Have your yearly surf trips changed from Hawaii or the Ments to the Maldives or Sri Lanka because your partner “wants to learn to surf?” Surf Bitch. 
  7. Do you regularly miss epic dawn patrols because your partner wants you to watch the kids while he, she sleeps in? Surf Bitch.
  8. Have you ever sat in a beachfront cafe with partner eating eggs and discussing house prices while reef-foiled tubes spin off in front of you, driving you to new lows of self-disgust? Surf Bitch!

Well, are you?

Bloodless revolution: Online petition launched to ban wave-hungry child from beach!

Is this the future of localism?

Do you recall last summer when a teenager at Salt Creek, a gorgeous slice of sand in Orange County’s champagne escape of Dana Point, California, was slapped for his transgressions against an older surfer?

The story was the most hotly debated topics on BeachGrit in 2017, creating a schism between surfers on whether grom abuse is ever warranted and, in this case, whether it deserved police intervention.

The real winner in the whole drama was Michael Ciaramella, whose story about London Almida on BeachGrit summoned Christian Fletcher into the fray and ultimately led to a compelling interview.

Even the teen’s dad, Chris Almida, was moved to post an outpouring on the Facebook page of London’s coach Ian Cairns.

The incident at Salt Creek last week involving my family has brought many issues to the surface both positive and negative and I have decided that there is nothing to be gained for anyone by further action on my part and as such I have no intention to pursue any legal recourse. While I respectfully disagree with the idea that bullying is ever justified or that violence is merited as a response to “disrespect” or misbehavior, I can appreciate that others have a different view. It has been very hard to hear this negative feedback and I have run through the gamut of responses from defensive to anger to righteous indignation and finally to resolution that this must be made right. 

One bit of feedback that has rung true is that I need to take a deep look in the mirror and see what part I am playing in the creation of this dynamic. In looking deeply at what I have role modeled I can see the many ways that I have been selfish, aggressive, entitled and easily offended. While I tend to exhibit these traits in a passive aggressive manner they are none the less what I have unwittingly role modeled to my son. This behavior has set my wife into a mode of protection within our family that has been expressed outwardly when the same dynamic plays out in the wider world. For my part I do apologize – first to my family, to my friends and peers and to the surf community as a whole. My lack of acknowledgement and ownership of this behavior has ultimately created this situation and the blame lies squarely with me. I will continue to dive into the root of these issues and work to unravel this behavior and do better for my sons, wife and all.

In respect to London, he has as you may imagine, had to face some serious introspection and participate in some very difficult conversations. He has had to take ownership of how others have experienced him both positively and negatively. London is a good kid with no negative intentions and he will be working hard to show this by his actions and engagement with others.

In peace and aloha and with hope for a new beginning for all involved I offer my apology.”

Well, it appears, possibly, as if London hasn’t quite grasped the concept of respecting proper lineup etiquette. Sources in southern California say Almida has continued dropping in on long-time locals without fear of repercussion. These same sources claim the reason he doesn’t fear any blowback is because his mother, waiting on the beach, is allegedly very quick to call local police.

Fed up with the antics and not wanting to wait till the kid turns 18, where it’d be less of a legal battle to give him a physical deterrent for surfing without traditional manners, an online petition has been started to ban Almida and his family from Salt Creek under the guise that they drain taxpayers dollars with the various police calls etc.

Is this the future of localism? In an age where a smartphone video can be cut, edited, and posted to social media to instantly create a trial of public opinion, is this the only way to curb violence and bad behavior?

If you like this sort of bloodless bureaucratic revolution, you can sign here!

Photo by the great, the only Steve Sherman/@tsherms/WSL

Shocking: Kelly Slater walks back retirement plans!

Are you ready for some hot 2020 Olympic action?

Kelly Slater is the world’s greatest surfer and when he retires we will all be very sad and miss him dearly. We will wake up each morning with Kelly Slater-shaped holes in our hearts and spend the day trying to fill these Kelly Slater-shaped holes with booze and cocaine (buy here!) and Griffin Colapinto who we will say is “the next Kelly Slater.”

There will be many “next Kelly Slater’s” for us as the years drool on and each will contain hope but each will disappoint because who on earth could ever be the next Kelly Slater? Handsome both with hair and without, preternaturally talented, loved by surf legends and Hollywood stars, a competitive beast, 11x world champ.

Yes, the day will come when the ride ends and Kelly Slater even announced it seconds after Joel Parkinson announced his own retirement.

But now that Joel is forgotten and his moment in the spotlight marred is Kelly having second thoughts?

In a wide-ranging interview with WSL partner Surfline, CEO Sophie Goldschmidt seems to suggest that he is.

Surfline: Are there retirement events being planned for Kelly’s final year on tour?

Sophie: After his initial surprise announcement, Kelly then posted that he’s been threatening to retire for 10 years now, so don’t hold your breath on this. With the Olympics round the corner, and him being one of the most competitive people on the planet, there are no plans yet!

Take that (again), Joel.

great white angourie
Treacherous but exciting! Great White feeds on dead Humpback near world-famous pointbreak. Photo by @calebgrahamfilms

Hughie Towner: “One shark came so close I gave him a little pat on his dorsal fin!”

And local shaper quits surfing after Great White feeding frenzy near famous pointbreak.

Yesterday, the little beach town of Angourie was blessed with the performance of two Great Whites and two Tiger sharks eating a dead Humpback whale near the world-famous point.

Read the initial report here .

“It would’ve been a disaster if it washed up on the rocks. There wouldn’t have been surfing for months,” says Laurie’s big bro, Hughie, who jumped in his own boat for a squiz at the action. “Laurie called me and said, ‘Fuck, drop your tools and get your boat in the water.”’

The big-wave surfer and apprentice tiler, Laurie Towner, who is thirty two, was first on the scene along with David “Baddy” Treloar whose section in Morning of the Earth inspired a generation to shuck work and disappear north. The pair saw that a dead Humpback whale, fifty feet long or so, was threatening to drift right onto the rocks at Angourie Point and used Baddy’s boat to tow the giant mammal a mile offshore.

“It would’ve been a disaster if it washed up on the rocks. There wouldn’t have been surfing for months,” says Laurie’s big bro, Hughie, who jumped in his own boat for a squiz at the action. “Laurie called me and said, ‘Fuck, drop your tools and get your boat in the water.”’

Hughie, who is thirty five and runs a carpentry biz out of nearby Yamba, said that as soon as he got to the whale, one of the Great Whites came to check him out.

“Next minute, two Tigers turned up,” he says. “They were real curious. One came so close I gave him a little pat on his dorsal fin. They’d go in for a feed, come over and cruise around the boat, head back for another feed then come back.”

Hughie says the biggest of the two Whites was around ten feet, although one Tiger was slightly larger. Keen to share the “incredible” experience Hughie went in and grabbed two pals including Will Webber, a noted shaper and brother to the well-known Greg Webber.

“Oh my fuck, oh my fucking god,” Will said when he arrived at the scene.

“Will said he’s having a big board sale this weekend,” says Hughie. “He gave up surfing after seeing that.”

Meanwhile, as far as Hughie knows, the whale is drifting south towards Brooms Head.

Viva la France!
Viva la France!

Sport: Famous surfers jump onto large bandwagon!

Allez allez allez allez!

Were you glued to your television yesterday, like the rest of the entire world, watching France defeat Croatia in soccer’s (or football’s) World Cup? It was very exciting, I suppose, though I don’t really know what constitutes “exciting” in that milieu. I am an American and therefore grew up with little to no appreciation for “the beautiful game. but that didn’t stop me from weighing in on various fouls and offside calls.

Oh it was very enjoyable but I didn’t have nearly as much fun as the Italian Leonardo Fioravanti and his friend Kanoa Igarashi who were in Moscow, at the arena, in the stands, both dressed exactly like soccer coaches, for the final itself.

There they were, cheering “Les Bleus” with all their hearts. “Allez allez allez allez etc.” Now, by rights, Leonardo should be cheering for Italy and Kanoa should be cheering for either the United States or Japan just like Kolohe Andino should be cheering for his local Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim instead of the Los Angeles Dodgers like he does which makes me wonder about bandwagons.

In your moral economy where does bald-faced bandwagon jumping rank in terms of its sinfulness? Is it better or worse than online bullying? Better or worse than tipping poorly? Better or worse than cheating at card games?

By “bald-faced bandwagon jumping” I’m talking about the man or woman who lustily declares their allegiance to a recently popular team and utilizes historical gymnastics to make the allegiance both ancient and serious. Like, “My grandma was born in France and dated one of the French national team footballers when she young so I was basically born Les Bleu.” Or “My dad grew up in a town a few hundred miles away from Chris Mullins so I have always been a Warriors fan. Basically.”


Better or worse than hurting innocent animals?